And, the Winners of Yesterday's Caption This Are:

I used a committee to decide composed of everyone here at Crotchety Old Man World-Wide International Headquarters and Discount House of Worship. Consider us to be



We fought and debated for hours, and finally decided...

who got to pretend to be Paula.

And now, the decision of the judges.

But first...

We thought long and hard to decide what the award should be. Then we thought about the proliferation of awards that have been circulating. They reminded us of the old lady down the street who, just like every year, has a bumper crop of a certain vegetable. And it seems like you can't pass her house without her giving you a basket of

zucchini.

So, now I present the Zucchini Award.



You don't have to pass it on to 100 of your closest friends. You don't have to link back to me. All I ask is that when you display it proudly on your mantle, just let everyone know it is a Rubba Original Creation.

If you want to pass it along, you can. If you want to throw it on the pile with all your other awards, that will be fine, too.

And the winner will have his or her name and blog link displayed in a place of honor on my sidebar until I have another contest or get tired of looking at it.

And, as soon as I figure out how to do it, I'll be passing along some serious entrecard credits to our runners up.

These results have been stored in a mayonnaise jar on my back porch since early this afternoon.

And the winners are:

#1 Blogger Bryan said...

Go ahead. I know you wanna touch it.
-----------------------------------------------------

#2 Blogger momjeansblogger said...

Things at Wal-Mart really have changed ever since Michael Jackson took over as buyer.

------------------------------------------------------

#3 Blogger Jenn Thorson said...

"Pee-wee Herman knew just the shop for the hot, rippin' wheels he needed..."


Thank you to everyone that participated.

I'm also going to give a random commentor (Drowsey Monkey) some entrecard credits.

I did notice that a theme seemed to run through Paula's choices, though. I wonder what's up with that?

Tomorrow: Ladies questions answered part 2

Humor-Blogs.com

Caption This--Win Fabulous Prizes--Rubba Edition

Humor-Blogs.com

It's Been a Big Week Already

But everyone knows I just give and give.

Oh, before I forget, tomorrow, is a "Caption This Wednesday" using another picture stolen borrowed from Rubba, and then it gets really exciting.

That's right!

A MAJOR AWARD FOR THE BEST CAPTION AS VOTED BY THE ENTIRE STAFF!

"It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!"

No, not that award. Rubba has designed an extra special, one of a kind award to be presented to the winner of Wednesday's contest.

I like delivering blog posts fresh to your doorstop every morning. I don't prewrite them (isn't that obvious?) but I have carefully chosen every topic, which every blogger knows is half the battle.

The other 80% is the writing of it.

By the way, I do drop in little nuance jokes from time to time. I'm surprised how many of them slip by.

I got in the habit of doing things like that in college. I went to college (again) in the late 1990's where I was generally acknowledged as the oldest person on campus who wasn't a professor.
Anyway, I used to intentionally put things in my papers just to see if the professors read them.

Probably the funniest thing I ever did was in a rather scholarly paper for a history class.

While I was discussing Lincoln, I mentioned something about how much easier it would have been if the Union forces had



leading the army instead of Sherman.

I may have mentioned other important facts like the most important event of the 20th century was my birth. Oh yeah, and because Einstein died around the time I was born, I was the reincarnation of him.

The professor missed all of these gems.



Oh, I was talking about more things to come this week. You can look forward to part 2 of answers to ladies' questions about men on Friday. If you haven't submitted a question yet, you are welcome to put one in the comments section. I still have plenty from last week, but if you have a burning issue:

it would be tasteless to put a picture of a hygiene product, so I won't.

You're welcome.

And, in a few days, even more super surprises.

So keep stopping back.

The Pompitous of Love

The song "The Joker" popped into my head today, because I was watching TV this morning (yeah, I know, you’re shocked--because I only watch about 16 hours a day.)

Anyway, the host needed to break for a commercial. He said something so stupid, I immediately looked at the Crotchety Old Lady to confirm he said what he did.

She basically gave me a



look as the host said, “Let us vegetate on that while we take a commercial break.”

Ok, anyone who has read my blog more than twice knows I play fast and loose with the English language. If I can’t find a word to fit a situation, I use the Steve Miller method and just make one up.

I’m fine with that, as are most of my readers. The reason is that I make up the words, so obviously I’m using them properly. But you know what really grinds my gears?



When someone tries to look intelligent by using multi-syllabic words and then misuses them. I’d much prefer to be told to think about something than to vegetate about it.

But that’s just me.

By the way, did you ever look up the meaning of pompitous?

Taking Questions From the Ladies

For the last few days, I have been taking questions from ladies to help bridge the gap between the sexes and to provide some understanding of the male mind.

I am well qualified to do this for 2 reasons:

1. I took a Sociology class in college
2. I have been a man for most of my adult life

This is for education and entertainment only. Please do not use any of this information for nefarious purposes. I trust you. Questions have been shortened because some of you ladies go on and on, yadda, yadda, yadda for space.

The first question comes from Jenn. She asks “What is the maximum number of words I can use with the average man before he tunes me out? I suspect it’s around 5.”

Jenn, Jenn, Jenn. Have you ever heard the Kenny Chesney song, “You had me from hello?” His attention span is that short. One word. And that is not unusual. Most men start the tuning out process at word 3. By word 5, all but the most resolute of men are hearing the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoon.

Good Grief

A typical conversation with me is, “Crotchety, would you mind if wahh wahh wahh wahh wahh wahh. If you toss in a few salacious words, and perhaps the mention of a food item, it may get you a few extra words. Generally, though, consider anything after 3 the bonus round.

Dani asks, “What the frig is in the remote control that a man can’t put it down?”
Dani, the need for the remote is hardwired into a man’s brain. Back when the first Caveman, Bob, sat around, he needed to have his trusty spear with him at all times. Whether hunting, or protecting his brood, Bob needed his spear at the ready. Modern man needs his remote to hunt for quality programs, and protect his family from feminine hygiene commercials.

Both Anok and Shyne were concerned with men’s seeming inability to carry their own keys, glasses, etc.
First, no way, no how, is a man ever to carry a man bag. It’s in bold print on page 11, 3rd paragraph in the Man’s Handbook. You have to just accept it, just as we accept that you say my green pants don’t go with my purple shirt.

The Get Smart Gal wants to know how men really feel about chicks who know more about sports than they do?
While I have never witnessed this phenomenon, the handbook clearly states that a man should celebrate the fact that he doesn’t have to explain to his lady for the millionth time that if the Yankees are wearing pinstripes, they are in New York, at Yankee Stadium. Or that, no, he’s never noticed how cute the running back’s butt is. And that he still wants to wear his A-Rod jersey even though A-rod may have cheated on his wife. And yes, he knows wrestling is fake. Please note, these are hypothetical scenarios, and the Crotchety Old Lady would never do that.

snicker

Both Jeunelle and Arcticulates expressed concern that men seemingly hold on to their clothes, basically, until the last Fruit of the Loom guy is barely hanging on.
We need to go back to Bob, once again. Bob had to work pretty hard to get his clothing. He couldn’t just go to J.C. Penney’s. Oh no, he had to go and slay a dinosaur, or a bear, or something for his duds. And once you have done that, you are not about to just toss them because of some minor imperfection like a hole.

Nosireebob.

In fact, I have a T-shirt from a Milli Vanilli concert that is just a collar and one sleeve.



While on the subject of clothing, both Dani and Anok (they were very inquisitive) wanted to know why men seemingly leave clothing haphazardly. This practice dates back to the Middle Ages. Clothing was scarce, and marauders would often ransack villages seeking it. By leaving their clothing in no discernable pattern, men would outsmart the marauders.

The last question for today comes from Jan. She wants to know why men don’t call when they promised to.

I‘ve researched this.

Back in 1914, Guy Whistlebritches met a lovely woman named Ethyl Woodmyre at the fashionable Dew Drop Inn. They exchanged numbers, and Guy promised to call later that night.

On the way home that day from the toaster factory, Guy decided he wasn’t going to call Ethyl.

Since then, well, it just kinda became a guy thing.

I’m sorry I didn’t get to all the questions. I may do a part 2 in the near future if anyone found this useful.
Thanks for stopping by, and as usual, I'm always glad to be the helpful blogger.

You Can Make a Million Dollars a Day, Too

This is one of the best emails ever.I thought you would all enjoy it. It was sent to me it by my friend, Freddie.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's TRUE !!!!!!!

No kidding Make one million dollars per day I will show you how it's done ...step by step I have been doing it for five years already ...

Just send me five dollars, Please, my kids need braces ...ok send three dollars .. Wow, see you already saved two dollars and we just met ..

Imagine if we got to know each other for a few months ?????? We could be talking thousands, uhhmm millions.

OK, wait one sec.. I need to do something .......
OK I am back, just made another million, that was fun As I was saying please send me three dollars ...

I really could use the money, I have a roof to fix, dry cleaning bills plus my printer (Cannon bubble jet) is almost out of ink.

Ok, if you send four dollars I will tell you real cool gossip from my neighborhood. I live in a one bedroom apt in the Bronx. Mansion in the Hamptons.
I would give you my phone # but it was shut off oops I mean, I’m not home.

I am not one to flaunt my wealth.... however last evening I ordered Chinese food .....They said delivery was five dollars extra!!! So I said "what the heck, I can meet you half way "
See I saved $2.50 already & showed you how ~~~

These are secret tips I have developed over the years ... and I will be happy to share them with you ..
All you need to do is send two dollars ...

Wow you already saved another buck... it's cause I really like you ..

What are you wearing ? Ooops wrong e-mail Sorry ...

ok , back to making money.

Ok, here is another secret , always carry around a ten thousand dollar bill and act very aloof when buying an item .. Example : I would like a slice of pizza , do you have change for a ten thousand dollar bill ? They usually say "nope" Bingo ~~ FREE PIZZA ~~~ See , I already taught you how to eat for free ~~

By the way , this secret does not work in Kosher Deli's for some reason I tried but they said they did have the change I might try a twenty thousand dollar bill I think they have a picture of Abe Vigoda on them .

So do I have you boonswaggled yet ? Ooops I mean Uhhhh …you trust me, right? Hmmmm ok. I don't blame you ..This does seem to good to be true .. I will now prove it to you ...

YES PROOF !!!!!!

Here is an interview with my last customer~~
Customer: Yes I did make one million dollars in one day with your special secrets, Uncle Freddie Freddie: Please do not mention I am your uncle !!!
Customer: Uhh ok , how come I haven't received crap yet from your special program ??
Freddie: Shut the hell up, you imbecile !!!!

FOLKS ~~ !!!~~~ Sorry , that never should have been released to the public however I feel so close to you all now .. What are you all wearing ? Ooops wrong e-mail again

Anyway, please send Two measly dollars will ya ?? Please ~~~~ TWO DOLLARS IS ALL I ASK OK ONE DOLLAR WILL DO oops cap lock

Submit your moolah, buckeroonies, gelt, gefilte fish, or whatever you can spare to:
Freddie
Main Street
Downtown, New Jersey USA

It's Casual Friday

So, kick back and be prepared to go on a little trip. It’s ok if you don’t have your toothbrush with you.

First, Mr. Rubba created a special umbrella hat for Sandy at http://www.witsbitch.blogspot.com/ She should have it on her blog today.

It is so worth the trip to see it, and it only cost her 50 million Zimbabwe dollars.

Next, take a quick trip to see HRH Momjeans at http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/

And you can see :



Along with her victory chant. It’s pretty funny.

It’s another awards show, so you can check out some really wonderful blogs.

We’ve had the prestigious Arte y Pico Award bestowed on this blog again.



The Rules thanks to www.arteypico.blogspot.com:
Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribuites to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog thathas given her or him the ward itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.

I was selected by Bridget, the Get Smart Gal at http://www.thegetsmartblog.com/
She features electronics, business tips, finance, marketing, and some football.

I’d like to share this award with:
Bikram at http://n95pic.blogspot.com/ He shares photos of his homeland with very nice descriptions.

Eunice, another travel photographer at http://travelerfolio.com/
Beautiful photos from her extensive travels

Bill from http://www.househubbie.blogspot.com/ He shares recipes and restaurant reviews in New Jersey.

Time Thief from http://thistimethisspace.com/. It’s always a good read, that can have well presented political ideas one day, and life advice the next.

And lastly, my friend Kate at http://onlifeasiknowit.blogspot.com/
It’s totally her fault that She started me on the blogging path nearly 5 years ago. Her blog is a mixed bag. She makes fun of celebrities, weighs in with thoughtful political debate, or just lets us take a peek at her life. She also writes a recipe blog and a pet blog, creates hand made quilts, works full time and I get exhausted just thinking about all the stuff she does.

The blog also received another award, but I’ll share that next week. Youse have been through enough for today.

I’m still taking questions for an upcoming blog providing answers directly from the Man Handbook. Just leave your questions in the comments section.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I can hear the rumbling of thunder in the background. It has been raining off and on all day, and flooding is expected tonight.

For all of my life, I never was concerned about this. But thanks to the internet, I’m now very “weather aware” and this is not a good thing.
I was much better off when I was in my mental bubble.

Why the turnaround? Simple, I have friends all over the world. Normally, this would be a good thing.

But now, I can track weather patterns. Rubba lives somewhere west. And Jenn from Cabbages and Kings lives west of me, but not as west as Rubba.

So, when flooding hits Rubba’s state

Rubba escaping to safety in the Swanborghini

I know what’s in store for Jenn a few hours later, and then ultimately, for me, a few hours after that.

So, you can see where this is heading.

That’s right, gentle reader, I am being subjected to used rain.

The same rain that launched the Swanborghini, and nearly ruined a scround (it’s a real word, you can look it up) of peach ice cream

http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com/2008/07/yield-to-power-of-scround.html

then has the chutzpah to dampen my spirits.

But my regular readers know how much I care for them.

In the next week or so, I will be launching a complete line of umbrella hats.

My buddy Rubba has been working feverishly to help me put the online catalog together, and I’ll give you just a peek at some of the hats using some of his designs and stolen stock photos :

The Lo Mein

The Rogue

When you just want to blend in

The Rambo

The It Girl

I’m not sure of our pricing schedule yet, but for 50 million Zimbabwe dollars, Rubba would photoshop a hat on your head if he likes you.

He‘ll do it for free if he doesn‘t.


And the winner of yesterday’s “Caption This” was HRHMomjean. She was so determined to win the non prize that she enlisted the aid of minions to threaten encourage me to select her caption.

It was very funny and she deserved to win, even without the help of her friends. By the way, her blog is The Soccer Mom’s File http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/

It’s a good read.

I did promise yesterday, that I will reveal secrets from the "Man's handbook." Post your questions, and they will be addressed in a future post.

Coming soon: Awards and other stuff

Caption This--Rubba Edition

There may be prizes

Probably not, though

Coming soon: A peek at the man's handbook

Good Manners Are Important

I did promise Drowsey Monkey that today’s blog was going to be chock full of porn and illicit behavior, so, just for her, I am typing this post pants less.

Which reminds me of something else. Years before meeting the Crotchety Old Lady, I dipped into the newspaper personals to try to meet someone.

It didn’t go well at all. And here’s some advice for the ladies: even if the guy taking you out is a total loser



don’t scarf down 30 dollars worth of Chinese food while telling him about some other guy you met.

It’s just bad manners.

I learned everything about manners from Goofus and Gallant while reading Highlights Magazine in Doctor's Offices



I wonder what ever happened to them? I’d like to think that Gallant became a great dad, and a family man, while Goofus just became a used car salesman.



I’ve done some research. I’m reasonably sure this is Gallant today:








and what happened to Goofus?

Thank You, Come Again

I've been having some computer issues. Nothing serious, just something weird. I haven't been able to get into some websites.

And worse, my favorite sites are looking different.

The themes used to be a bit more "adult."




Anyway, I called AOL tech support and Apu "Dave" checked it out for me. After spending nearly an hour on the phone, "Dave" told me the problem was with the sites. I explained it had been going on for a few days, so I doubted it was the sites. Finally, it was determined that he had no idea, so I should call Cablevision tomorrow. As one of the last few people on earth still paying for AOL, you'd think they would want to keep me happy. No such luck.

I did get an award from one of the sites I can't access. I'm sure the site is fine, and you should be able to enjoy it, though. Heidi from http://healthnutwannabeemom.blogspot.com/

was kind enough to bestow on me the



Fortunately, it didn't come with a lot of rules, so I wanted to pass it along to a blog I really enjoy.

http://www.thisbrazenteacher.blogspot.com/

This is a relatively new blog, but it is very well written, and thought provoking.

And lastly (why do I have this 3 fetish) because I give and give, I have a great idea for my regular readers.



You'll note the picture of 50,000,000 Zimbabwe dollars. This bill currently is worth about 2 bucks American.

However, I can guarantee strippers, cocktail waitresses, and, for the ladies who read here, male exotic dancers, have no idea of that fact.

So, who do you think will get all the extras on your night out? The one passing out George Washingtons, or Zimbabwe millions?

I thought so.

You are welcome.

Super Deluxe Jam Packed Sunday Edition

This is the New York Times of blogs today. Get yourself a cup of coffee, make sure you’re in a comfortable chair, pack a light snack, and get ready to read.

I provided links, pictures, and everything. And the links, by the way, go right back to noted historian, bon vivant, and all around nice guy, me. So you know they are trustworthy, and more or less honest.

Today, I need to ranttalk about a very serious subject, economics. I promise to not be as boring as your high school teacher or college professor.

The reason I need to explain economics is our economy is going into the dumper, because the overwhelming majority of people have their eyes glaze over when the subject comes up.
First, you have been lied to by every person who ever explained economics to you. Except me, because I don’t lie. Ok, maybe that one time, but I swear I won’t do it again unless it suits my needs.

This entire economic epiphany hit me last year, around November, when my toaster broke. That small event turned into ToasterQuest 2007.

I love my toaster

You can relive the drama here:
http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2007/10/one-mans-quest.html

But this isn’t about toast, which is one of my favorite subjects. It’s about economics, which is one of my hobbies. Ok, I do have geek tendencies.

A few years ago, some big economics lying sack of crap expert announced that we were moving towards a service economy, and that this was a good thing.
Everyone rejoiced, imagining that they would remain a small cog in the giant economic machine, but now would be a cog with clean hands and a tie. Maybe even an ascot for the more nattily attired. Yes, life would be grand.

But the economic theory reminded me of the South Park Underpants Gnomes. Their economic plan was as logical as turning us into a service economy.



Here’s the problem: as we send production jobs overseas, we now have more of our neighbors seeking work in the service economy. Rather than have X factory workers, and Y service workers, we now have X+Y seeking service positions. Just spend 5 minutes studying economics and it is obvious that supply and demand controls price. Which means, simply put, more workers than jobs means lower wages for each of them. Sure, that means lower prices, but if one doesn’t have the ability to earn a wage, how can one buy all the cheaper crap available? And, thanks to technology, even service jobs are being sent overseas.

For those algebraically inclined, the formula would be X+Y-Z=


We ship raw goods overseas, and they come back as finished products. Doesn’t sound like a big deal until one understands that we get a dollar, and send back 5. This will eventually cause cataclysmic economic problems.
Economics is much simpler than it seems. Truly. Spend a little time and think it through and study it before voting in November. Listen to the candidates, especially the local ones. Test them. Make sure they know your concerns, and when they give you poop for answers, call them on it. Hey, if they say anything to you, mull it over.

The average politician will try to convince everyone he’s


When he’s really


Disclaimer: No slimeball politicians were injured in the making of this post. Sorry.

Saturday Stuff

One of my favorite writers ever was Dave Barry. He has been in semi-retirement for a few years, and one of my favorite columns he produced was Mr. Language Person. I’d like to don the role of Mr. Language Person as a tribute to Dave, at least for today.

My goal is to take over and completely dominate the internet. So, naturally, you would expect me to receive tons of swag.

Swag is a funny word. I wanted to find out exactly where “swag” came from. Naturally, I consulted my favorite online source, http://www.urbandictionary.com/
The things that can be learned there.

It turns out that just about everything has a dirty connotation to it.

Oh yeah, tossed salad and pearl necklaces, dog food, various numbers and who knows what else.

If you are easily offended, never look at that site. If you are easily amused, look up every word. And the best part of it is, unlike Funk and Wagnall’s or the American Heritage Dictionary, not only can you vote on the definitions, but you can add your own.

Oh yeah, you could insert your friend’s name and make up a definition for it.

I’ve submitted a few names and look forward to them becoming part of the world’s lexicon.

Which brings me back to swag. As one of the world’s most formidable bloggers, and a true legend in his own mind, I want everyone to know that I am open to graft, in case you didn‘t know already.
So far, only John from http://www.soapier.com/ has come through.
Ok, it was actually a contest that I won on his blog. Let me have my moment and pretend it is because of my awesome blogging skills.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a mini shout out for his business. The soap is great.

Believe me, I can get rather, umm, “ripe” in the summer months.
Just the other day, I was watching TV and the Crotchety Old Lady walked in the house and said, “Oh my, things are not fresh in here.”

OK, actually she said, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”



I knew it was time for my monthly bath. And just in time, my prize arrived, two bars of soap. I had the choice of honey milk, and oats, or melon and cucumber.

I chose the melon to cut through malodorous aroma around me. I will say, this is some good stuff. I smelled fresh as a summer’s eve. Stop snickering, it was the only analogy I could think of on short notice.

The Old Lady used the other one the next day, and her skin is now as smooth as



Lastly (anyone ever notice I like doing things in 3’s?) I keep getting emails from women who are interested in meeting me. All from the application to the dating service that I decided not to join.

Apparently, there are lots of really desperate women within 10 miles of me. Who knew?

For those who don’t remember, I wanted to see how these sites worked, so I entered that I was ugly, poor, and over 90. I wanted a beautiful 18-25 year old college graduate with low expectations, making 100K per year. Imagine how great the response would have been if I joined? All 600+ women would have contacted me.

Try to Guess Whose Names I submitted to urbandictionary

The New Gong Show

I don't like using videos unless they have Richard Simmons or something equally bizarre. This qualifies.




This is 3 minutes from the new Gong Show hosted by Dave Attell, with Dave Navarro, Andy Dick, and JB Smoov.

This is not the Gong Show as you remember it.

And as this is Evil Doodle Day, I'll post my sad, yet evil, doodle that was previewed last week.



Yeah, I phoned it in today.

Had computer issues.

Taking Care of Business

Remember the official guard dog of the blog, my friend’s Yorkie Terrier, Pepper? He’s nearly 3 pounds of fighting fury



But it appears my buddy Rubba accidentally fed him some radioactive Puppy Chow (could happen--Stan Lee, stop reading now) and the results were dramatic.



Be careful out there.

Second point of bidness; don’t forget about the awesome Doodle Week Extravaganza. Check here http://crpitt.blogspot.com/ and here http://stickfiguregrrl.blogspot.com/ for even more awesome doodles, not like the crappy ones I drew.

Next on the agenda, be sure to check out John’s Joke of Politics blog.
http://thejokeofpolitics.blogspot.com/

No political blog could ever be 100% agenda free, but he does a very good job of presenting a factual look at the upcoming election. John uses video and news clippings to give a view of the candidates.

And for the last order of bizness

I received another award. This time it is from fellow humor blogger (is she a fellow blogger if she’s, you know, a she?)

Nevertheless, the award



comes with rules.

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of it.

So, I was awarded it from Amy at http://www.amyoops.com/

And I’d like to share it with some humor bloggers who I count on to make me laugh every day.


1. Jenn, the Thrift Shop Romantic from http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com/
2. Don from It’s a Funny Thing http://humorium.blogspot.com/
3. Kathy from the Junk Drawer http://www.junkdrawerblog.com/
4. JD and Lucy from Say What http://hoeno.blogspot.com/

And in a surprise decision by the judges

5. Claire from A Little Piece of Me http://crpitt.blogspot.com/ This is a surprise because I don’t know if she considers her blog to be a humor one, but it is incredibly funny. Plus, she’s from England, so that would be considered a foreign language. Don’t believe me? Ask her the meaning of pants.


Now you need to do your part; visit them and spread the funny.

Wordless Wednesday

Bring Back National Lampoon

I need to rant about some political nonsense.

What's with all the brouhaha over the picture on the cover of the New Yorker?

Why must we always cater to the lowest common denominator?

Here's the offensive photo.



And the outcry is that the casual observer will see it and have the wrong idea. Have we lost all faith in our American voters that we believe a glimpse of a magazine noted for satire will influence the election?

Thank heaven these uber PC knuckleheads weren't around in the 1970's when National Lampoon ran covers and fake ads that were brutal. For the whippersnappers in the crowd, National Lampoon used to be a magazine, not a cinema company. Before Animal House, and the Chevy Chase movies there was



I can only imagine the protests that would echo today.

The most famous ad ever run in National Lampoon was this one



What is the point of all this? Simple, American journalism had a long history of satire dating back to long before some of the "offended and outraged" folks were born.

Instead of reacting to every potential snippet of nonsense, how about focusing on some freakin' issues?

I believe it is racism, pure and simple. And not by the New Yorker Magazine, but by those crying foul. Barack Obama, as the Democratic Candidate, is fair game. No one has ever pulled any punches in any election before this. Political cartoonists always pretty much had free reign.

Until today.

Please tell me why different rules apply.

Rebel Without a Clue

I’m extra crotchety today. I’m not sure why, I guess it’s just some cyclical thing. Some close friends have noticed I seem to be ok for about 6 weeks or so, and then BAM! I’m either horribly depressed or incredibly angry.

Depression is anger turned inward, so I guess being extra crotchety is the same side of the same coin, or whatever the dopey saying is.

Anyway, I feel the need to be my rebellious self today and lash out at the world.

I began to make a list of some things I could do to release this anger:

1. Tear the tags off mattresses -- too cliché
2. Write a letter to my Congressperson --too Republican
3. Join a think tank group-- too Democratic
4. Make fun of Richard Simmons --too easy
5. Make phony phone calls -- too childish (even for me)

Finally, it hit me. I need to protest something.

Not sure what yet, though



Until I come up with a cause to lash out against and unleash venom mercilessly, I’ll just put forth some of the weird things I think about every day.

Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig’s disease. Shouldn’t he have seen that coming?

And that gets me wondering if any famous people of today will have diseases named after them.

I’m pretty sure of one, Pauly Shore. This disease, to be called Pauly Shore Syndrome (or PSS) is quite insidious. It’s not deadly, but it does affect one’s judgment. The chief symptom is that the afflicted find Pauly Shore amusing, tolerable, or, in the end stages of the disease, funny.


You’ll notice his girlfriend, pictured above, is happy to be with him. Obviously, she is an unfortunate victim.

Other victims of PSS include those who think Carrot Top is funny, and of course, everyone in the studio audience of The Price Is Right.

I’d never be in the audience for that show, because, well, it would take all my inner fortitude to not say, “Drew, how in the hell would I know the price for that lovely, highly decorative, and collectible aardvark print?”



Until someone can suggest a cause for me, I’ll spend the rest of the day watching Pauly Shore movies until either I find something funny in them, or blood shoots out of my ears from my brain exploding.

Should I stuff cotton balls in my ears, or just wear a diaper over my head, buuuuuuudy?

And have a Happy Bastille Day, if you're into celebrating stuff.

Bobby Murcer Passes Away at 62

This isn't about baseball, or even sports; this is about life.

Bobby Murcer was an important part of my youth, and he passed away today at age 62.



I had a post all set for today. It was full of the usual stupidity that has made me a blogging legend in my own mind. But, I was watching the game of the week on Fox, and the news flashed about Bobby.

It's funny, my Aunt died two weeks ago, and I don't remember shedding many tears. Not that she wasn't a good person whom I loved, but I don't know why it didn't bother me that much.

But Bobby Murcer, hell, I'm typing this through tears.

I can only guess I'm crying because we are formed by that which we know when we are young. And I was a Yankee fan from an early age.

Growing up in Central New Jersey, we had 2 real choices, Yankees or Mets. Sure, some holdovers were Dodger and Giants fans because of family loyalty, but those teams fled for the west coast before I was out of diapers.

(ed. note: eventually, author wound up back in diapers, and is only a few years away from being in them again)

I rooted for the guys from the Bronx. The guys who were as dependable as US Steel, seemingly winning the championship every year.

But during my formative years, the Yankees stunk. Mantle was playing out the string on two gimpy legs. Everyone else was gone.

Then, along came Bobby Murcer, tagged as the "Next Mantle." For those of you unfamiliar with baseball, Mantle was THE MAN in baseball from 1950 until the early 60's. And Bobby, from the same state of Oklahoma, signed by the same scout, was "The Next Big Thing."

Talk about pressure. And, to make matters worse, he was put in Mantle's same position, centerfield for the Yankees. I'd love to say he responded well, and led the team to a few championships. But that's not how the story went.

The Yankees never finished higher than second, even finishing last once. Murcer was the one shining star on a team of mediocre ballplayers. He was every kid's hero.

Bobby bounced around a bit, and wound up back in NY, eventually playing on a pennant winning team. But he never did get to taste the champagne reserved for championships. One of the greatest things he ever did, and for which many Yankee fans remember him, was homer in the game following the death of his friend, the Yankee captain, Thurman Munson.

Bobby ended his career and became an announcer for the Yankees. He was knowledgeable and always known as a gentleman.

He'll be missed by fans, friends, and family.

Bobby Murcer passed away today, and I just feel like a little piece of me has died, too.

Happy Birthday

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, today is Richard Simmons 60th birthday.



And I am presenting Simmonspalooza.

All Richard, only Richard.

Grab a piece of sweat resistant birthday cake, and watch a few minutes of some of the funniest video around.

On Ellen



A great visit to Letterman (my personal favorite)



And, of course, the classic,

Whose Line Is It Anyway Appearance



And finally, never forget



Thanks for stopping by for Richard’s birthday, and please take a party favor on the way out.



More about my love-hate relationship with Richard Simmons, in case you missed it.
http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/close-encounters-of-richard-simmons.html

The Great Naughty Bits Debacle

Warning: Graphic violence against rather sensitive parts of my body. If you are the squeamish type, pour a strong cup of coffee and read another blog. Perhaps even try to guess whose birthday is coming up in a day.

No, it's not mine. Mine is April Fool's Day. Stop pretending to be surprised by that.

Ok.

I have had many procedures done and some were rather simplistic, and a few were, for lack of a better term, invasive.



No, not that procedure from 2 years ago.

But the Great Naughty Bits Debacle took place a few years before "The Night I Spent in the JFK Hospital Restroom."

I was home, sitting in bed, and feeling rather poorly. What had been a minor scrape thisclosetomynaughtybits started to hurt. I checked around my naughty bits, and what had been a tiny scrape, was now a huge, rock hard burning, oozing hunk of me.

So, you have the setting.

Off to the hospital I went.

Doctor did some surgery. Bandaged me up, and then off to the post op. I eventually woke up.
And, of course, I'm wearing a diaper. Doesn't everyone?



So much gooey junk was oozing out, no bandage could keep up.



I always try to find the bright side, and, well, at least some cute nurses will be changing my diaper.

Woohoo. I recall having similar dreams when I was younger. I was already drafting my letter to a men's magazine:

Dear Editor, I never imagined this would ever happen to me, but...

but my nurse came in



The letter never got written.

I was looking forward to nursing care from Tiffany and Amber, I got Tim and Dave.

It gets worse.

Tim was rather gentle, bordering on affectionate. On the rare shifts that Tim wasn't around, basically, the nurse on duty would just come in, rip off the old diaper, and slap on a new one. Tim, oh, he was really into his job. My naughty bits were gently cleaned, powdered, shifted around, positioned in the diaper, repositioned, and finally tucked away.

I left the hospital, and had to go to rehab for a few weeks. The rehab facility was a mess. Huge staff turnover, which meant, as part of their training, new staff was taken to observe unusual patients. I had a parade of personnel coming in to see my diseased and diapered naughty bits.

It got to the point that when I heard a knock on the door, I would just whip off my diaper, and show my naughty bits. This was fine, but I did get a "talking to" after scaring, and probably scarring for life, the young lady who simply wanted to know if I wanted the meatloaf for dinner.

Future posts: Doctors I've tried to punch
Pictures credit: Rubba, at least the good ones were done by him.


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Getting to Know You

I’ve noticed several blogs where the authors have been answering questions about themselves. Some are in response to real questions, and some are in anticipation of questions.

Since I haven’t had an original thought since the early 1990’s, I thought I’d just follow along. Yup, if all my friends jumped off a bridge, I’d do it, too. I’m a freakin’ lemming.

So I’m about to answer that burning question that I am sure my gentle readers have. But first, if you have a burning sensation, may I suggest:


On to the big question: What do I do all day?

I sit on the couch watching Comedy Central and either read blogs (about 50 or more per day) write blogs, and visit 3 other chatboards. I was tested a few years ago, and I read between 1500 and 2000 words per minute, depending on content, so I really do get to a lot of blogs.

And I talk to telemarketers. Oh yeah, you know all those telephone survey results that you read about, and you always wonder, “Exactly who gives all those stupid answers? What type of idiot do they interview? Who even has time for all that nonsense? Do they interview socially maladjusted shut-ins?”

Guess who always takes those calls?



My absolute favorite thing to do is to have a telemarketer just give up.

I’ve done that a few times.

Here’s what works to really mess with a telemarketer’s head: agree to everything. At some point, the telemarketer will ask for money. This is where you try to borrow it from him. Convince the telemarketer that the deal sounds so great to you, and you are ready to move, if he could only spot you the cash.



Lastly, Doodle Week is coming. I have a badge for it over on the side.

More information is available here: http://stickfiguregrrl.blogspot.com/

But here’s my dilemma

Not only do I want to participate in the biggest Doodle event in the history of the blogosphere , but I, sadly, have no talent.

I have created 2 incredibly mediocre stick figure doodles. They pretty much suck. Any ideas on how to make them, I don’t know, not suck so much?


Sucky drawing #1


Sucky drawing #2

Advice welcome.

Coming soon: Someone very special is having a birthday. Be prepared for a huge party right here. Try to guess whose birthday it will be.



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Extra Wordy Wednesday

I was going to write about the Great Naughty Bits Debacle today. This was my name for the time I was hospitalized and forced to wear a diaper for a couple of months.


Ok, I wasn’t forced to wear the diaper, I just kind of liked it. It was a good look for me.


But instead, I realized I have been remiss in some of my blogging duties. I received two Arte Y Pico Awards last week, and haven’t been able to complete my mission in accepting these prestigious awards. So, this will be an Extra Wordy Wednesday.





The Rules thanks to arteypico.blogspot.com:
Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribuites to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the ward itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico” blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.


This gives me an opportunity to showcase many of the great blogs I read every day.
I was awarded these by Shadow Crystal http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/
and by Presidential candidate Benny Greenberg at http://ya-ttitude.com/blog


Both of these blogs are wonderful , and I’m sure you will enjoy them as much as I do.


Now, on to my picks. By the way, this will be a long award ceremony, but I’m sure you will enjoy the wonderful blogs that I have selected.


These are in no particular order, and I read each one nearly every day.


The first award will go to Chelle at the Offended Blogger.
http://www.offendedblogger.com/
I can’t explain whether she offends or gets offended. I just know I’m one of her many fans.


Next, is the Downloadable Ryan Garns.
http://www.ryangarns.com/
No blog entry ever made me laugh harder than If the Federalist Papers Had Been a Blog. http://www.ryangarns.com/archives/article_062908.php

I’ve recently started reading ChatBlanc at
http://www.witsbitch.blogspot.com/
It’s well written, and funny. Every day she shares her world with just enough snark to make me laugh.

I enjoy foreign language blogs, and one of these is Drowsey Monkey.
http://drowseymonkey.blogspot.com/
She has the most wonderful sense of self-deprecating humor. And penguins.
Yeah, I know Canuckian isn’t a different language. Humor my ignorance, eh.

Few blogs start my day like Amyoops.
http://www.amyoops.com/
She always has some funny themed pictures and a quick joke or two.

I read so many other great blogs. But, like all awards shows, my time is up. I’ll introduce you to them next time. I do read some serious blogs. Honest. And I even read some that are considered intellectual. But I need to laugh, and so many of my blogging buddies help fill that need. I thank them for this as they keep me sane.

Ok, what passes for sanity in my life, anyway.

Give these blogs a gander. I’m sure some will become favorites for you, too.



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Take the A Train

You know how most family get togethers usually involve some story telling, and it's always some cutesy little tale from when favorite Uncle Billy was a kid, and at the county fair he ate so many candy apples he was sick for two days. Then everybody chuckles at Uncle Billy.

Yeah, that never happened in my family.

Most of the stories ended with cars flipped over and mayhem and destruction throughout the area.

But we did have one almost cutesy story, at least by my family standards.

My family lived in New York City for quite a while.



One day, my great Uncle Chris took his nephews (my future Uncles) Larry and Frank into the city with his niece Margaret (my future Aunt.)
They made their way through the underground maze that is the NY subway system.
All was well with the world. They rode the rails, shopped at Macy‘s, and had a wonderful day.



Suddenly, Margaret had need to use the facilities. Experienced subway riders know 3 things:
First, subway cars have no facilities
Second, sometimes the stations are really far apart, and it takes a long time to arrive at the next one.
Third, when a little kid has to go, they HAVE TO GO.

My future aunt was getting desperate. She had to go number 2, and in the worst way. Poor Uncle Chris was beside himself.

The car was not very crowded, and he had an idea.
He hustled my aunt and uncles off to a corner and sort of formed a little human screen around her. She did her business, and --OH NO!!! There rolling around on the floor were some hard little remains of yesterday’s lunch. (This was before fiber was discovered.)

Suddenly, Uncle Chris had an idea. He had some Tootsie Rolls in his pocket, probably for the kids for later on. Now was the time for sacrifice. He unwrapped the chocolaty delights, and stuck them back in his pocket. He then used the wrappers to, let’s say, “artfully repackage” the little poo logs.



Then, they were hidden under a seat on the train.

My Uncle Larry never would eat a Tootsie Roll after that day.


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God chat

I know most of you come here for fresh made humor every day. And I have been providing you with home made chuckle-worthy posts for a while.

Occasionally, I have stolen crap off the internet outsourced the funny because I have found things that just deserved to be stolen shared.

Today, I have found the source of all knowledge. That's right, it's igod.

I will warn you, this site is highly addictive. How often do you have the opportunity to find out every answer to every question ever?

And now, igod:

http://www.titane.ca/igod/main.html

It has been brought to my attention it looks like one has to sign up. Nope, I wouldn't do that to youse.

Just click.


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Goodbye to the Jersey Shore

My all too brief Holiday at the fabulous Pier 4 Hotel in Somers Point has come to an end. My days of blogging from the balcony while ogling women in bikinis communing with nature are over for a few months, at least.
The Crotchety Old Lady will load up the Scion with me later this afternoon

Don't laugh, I get 35 MPG

but first, I want to spend a few hours getting just a bit more of the New Jersey sunshine. I'll put on my bathing suit, lather up with some spf 30, put on appropriate headgear, and go bask in the sun on the beach for just a few more hours.






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Today's New Jersey Geography lesson

I love New Jersey. Many people, especially hack comedians, make fun of it. You're from New Jersey? What exit?

Bastards.

I've included pictures of my home state from time to time, and everyone can see how beautiful it truly is.

First, here's the balcony overlooking the pool:



I spend most of my day ogling girls in bikinis enjoying nature. Pay no attention to the binoculars. They are for observing nature. Everyone knows I love observing nature, but always far enough away so I need binoculars. Encountering nature, that's not my thing. It always turns out badly for me.

And one of the most interesting things about New Jersey, and very few people know this, it is a sub-tropical region. Oh yeah, and I have photographic evidence:



New Jersey palm trees, the home to the fierce enemy of seagulls, the Jersey Palm Owl.

Last night, I had the great traditional New Jersey Shore dinner, fish tacos. I would have included a picture, but who hasn't seen a fish taco? And, if you haven't, well, just imagine a taco, only fishier.

We were supposed to go to see a show at the casino tonight, but that will have to be put on the back burner. I'm not feeling really well today. (Should fish tacos be so "fishy" tasting?)

I'll probably just put on my hat, and sit on the balcony, and ogle commune with nature.



Coming tomorrow. Off to the beach

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Happy 4th of July

I'm still blogging from my balcony overlooking the bay in Somers Point, NJ, at the fabulous Pier 4 Hotel.



Today is July 4th, which is, as most of my readers know, is the birthday of The United States of America. It is also the birthday of the Crotchety Old lady, although she is slightly younger than America.

I'm sure a number of other bloggers are doing tributes and they are wonderful.

I'm doing something slightly different.

In the middle of the night, I woke up and started thinking about the Gettysburg Address. This was probably the most significant speech in American history. It was short, and eloquent, and began the healing process of the Civil War.

Few of us know much beyond the first few words. I thought I'd print the entire speech here.

It sums up what America means to me. It's more than fireworks, songs, and Yankee games.

And now

Mr Lincoln:

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war. . .testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated. . . can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war.
We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate. . .we cannot consecrate. . . we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us. . .that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion. . . that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. . . that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom. . . and that government of the people. . .by the people. . .for the people. . . shall not perish from the earth.


Note to those who aren't history geeks like me. The Battle of Gettysburg took place from July 1-3, 1863.

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Awards--Now 100% Richard Simmons Free

Yesterday, I was awarded the prestigious arte y pico award by Jenn of Cabbages and Kings and the blog Thrift Shop Romantic http://cabbages-n-kings.blogspot.com

I would like to thank her for her generosity in sharing this award, and just so you know, this does come with a history and some rules. Clearly, this is nothing like the Trophy that accompanied the 1979 Men’s Sunday Church League Underhand 10 Foot Arc Championship Team. (Go First Church of the Good Death and Discount House of Worship Blue Devils!) By the way, we were 17-2. I pitched and won 16 of those games, and lead the team in beer consumed batting. Oh yeah, I used to be an athlete.

Back to the trophy. It was originally hand crafted by Gregorian monks in the 15th century, and has been passed down to the descendants of …no wait, that was from a movie…It was made by the monks, and it was stolen by marauders who put it in a cave defended by a killer rabbit. So, the monks used the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch


… wait, I think that was another movie.

I’ll just post the rules from the website http://arteypico.blogspot.com/ :

Rules:
1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, creativity, design, interesting material, and also contributes to the blogger community, no matter of language.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award-winning, has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winning and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y pico”blog , so everyone will know the origin of this award.
5) To show these rules.
Simple enough. So, now I have the awesome responsibility of passing along this award. I read and enjoy around 50 blogs a day, so I recognize quality in blogging. Unfortunately, I suck at decision making. I’ll simply pick 5 of the blogs that are on my can’t miss, read every single day list.

First, I’m going to pick the Soccer Mom Files. http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/
I know that’s not what the link says, but everyone knows I struggle with technology, and I don’t quite have the ability to do the links right, but at least these are clickable, so keep yer pants on.
I picked this relatively new blog because it is well written and very funny. And she has little cyber fish named Paul, John, George, and Ringo who I feed every day by clicking.

Next, I’m going to pick Shadow Crystal’s blog. I’m keeping with my theme of choosing blogs with names different than the link.
http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/
You’re just going to have to deal with that. Shadow is a college student who finds some of the best video’s and delivers some truly inspired rants in the Crotchety tradition. And she speaks Canadian, so I’m keeping with the spirit of the award by giving it to someone who speaks another language. I’m also building bridges between the USA and Canada. I feel really badly about giving Canada noogies the other day on Canada Day, so I‘m hoping to make up for that.

Third, to Mom’s Crazy Life. Anyone who has 6 kids and works as a nurse, and finds the time to blog about important things like the death of her toilet deserves something. http://www.momscrazylife.com/. Her blog is a good read. She may not be June Cleaver, but she rocks.

Fourth award goes to Gumby the Cat. The author is a science fan, and that by itself should be enough. But wait, there’s more: His blog is well-written and researched. I know, it’s not as impressive as near naked pictures of Richard Simmons, but it’s still pretty awesome.
http://gumbythecat.blogspot.com/

The final choice is the toughest. I wish I had 10 more awards to give out, because I read that many really interesting blogs.
But, rulz is rulz.

My final choice is for the award is How is Bradley.
http://www.howisbradley.com/
This blog is written with a degree of honesty that is rarely seen when dealing with a subject as important as mental health. He takes everyone on his journey and manages to maintain a sense of humor in what can only be a very stressful time. He also is an artist, and turns out cartoons that sum up our health system in a manner that make one laugh and cry at the same time.
Let’s have a big round of applause for all the winners. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, and drive home safely.


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Wordless Wednesday, Richard Simmons Edition

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Happy Canada Day

I wanted to start by wishing everyone a Happy Canada Day. I was all set to give you a nice description of Canada Day, and why we should celebrate it. I then realized I was very negligent in my Canadian knowledge, especially after taking a Canada Day quiz.



http://www.tearsheet.ca/quiz/quiz.php

I did steal this from Drowsey Monkey, who is one of the funniest Canadian bloggers. You can visit her for more Canada Day news and notes. http://drowseymonkey.blogspot.com/ If you tell her I sent you, she'll give you a better seat.

From what I understand about Canada Day, it's exactly like the USA's Fourth of July, only different. Here in the USA, our Social Studies courses are very Euro-centric, with a little bit of South American history thrown in. We consider Canada our younger brother, and pretty much ignore it. On this Canada Day, I'd like to apologize for that.

And then, of course, give Canada noogies.


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