Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars

things I would have written about if not depressed

2011-11-26T21:03:00.003-05:00

It really pissed me off every time on 11-11-11 and the tv people said it would be 100 years until it comes again. Isn't that the same with every date?

Still no action on the dating front.

Talked to a friend the other day who said I should have put cameras in. My real life is more bizzare than what I write about.

I'm not your typical, one-legged, old fat guy.

By the way, bought a Bumble. Who needs a Christmas tree?

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I did it!!!

2011-11-19T22:43:00.002-05:00

Yep, I did it. Put an ad on Craigslist

Here it is

I'm a bankrupt disabled, cranky, old stud muffin.

Wanted

Single woman with substantial income and savings.

Prefer heiress

No f'ing children or grandchildren

If children or grandchildren must be willing to kill them by second date.

I've gotten no responses. :(

Anyone know how I could make it more desireable?

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Feeling kinda bored

2011-11-15T22:10:00.002-05:00

I decided to visit Craigslist. Maybe I could find a friend.

Don't want a girlfriend, but somebody to accpmpany me to dinner and stuff.

Ho;y crap!!!

I saw ads that I was sorta embarassed to see. Didn't know people were willing to do that to strangers.

Don't know what half the letters meant.

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Step by step

2011-11-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

Turns out
Mrs C stole over 50,000 and a car to give to the Succubus and the Con
Man (her 2 Hellspawn.)

The police are investigating, tomorrow I'll report to DMV, and on Thursday I have an appointment with the lawyer

Sorry not around but I have been diagnosed with ptsd, and not in the mood to do anything.

I really need to sue those scum.

The Succubus tells people I killed her Mother.

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Comeback kid

2011-10-27T14:18:00.002-04:00

I'm starting my comeback.

Filed criminal charges, and getting lawyered up.

Suggestion of the day:

Don't screw with a Sicilian

I must be feeling better. I did an entire post about my situation without dropping the f bomb.

Thanks for everyone's kind words.

And NO typos.

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Highwaymen

2011-10-22T07:28:00.012-04:00

For the sake of this post, that is the nicest way I can use to descibe Mrs. C's kids.

Just so you know, I need to write this to help dispel some of my anger. My priest and social worker told me so. Some of it is funny some sad, and some nauseating. Read at your own risk. I'm using actual real first names so there is a disclaimer of sorts.

Disclaimer- If anyone reads this and wants to sue because I attacked your integrity or moral character:
1. I have a better lawyer than you
2. I can prove in court that you have the morals and character of a 3 card Monte dealer
3. Kiss my chunky white ass.

Cast of characters:
Me
Mrs. c. (Fran) The love of my life for the last 19 years. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and had many friends who loved her dearly.
Tony, her son. Looking at his actions, I guess he loved her, in a way. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.
Cath, her daughter. Despite giving her expensive gifts and cash over the years, she had utter disdain for me. The only reason I can guess is that I was in the way of her using her Mom for free babysitting more often. Not that she ever invited Fran to her house to visit more than a couple times a year. It was a babysitting gig or nothing.

The kids _both around 40 now came to help with snow shoveling or yard work once in 17 years,

Great kids.

We were not married. No I'm not secretly Gene Simmons of KISS, Just some religious reasons.

Ok, so here's how my week went.

Monday, around 8 at night, Fran laid back at the kitchen table. I called to her, and got no response. As quickly as I could, I got in my wheelchair and went to her. When I noticed she wasn't breathing, I called 911. They came and, well, she was gone.

I called her family and told them what happened and told them the EMS took her to the hospitl. There she was pronounced.

Looking back, I was in so much pain, I let the man I treated as a son for so many years in my house when I should have told him no.

He immediately began looking for her life insurance papers!

When he couldn't find them he said he would come back tomorrow. Again, I'm in shock so I agreed.

Well, I live in a two bedroom mobile home. And Fran was a bit of a hoarder. Sorta controlled. She was under so much stress from the past 16 months that I was in the hospital, with facing death a few times, and her Mom in a nursing home getting calls about her dying every other month, well she must have cracked.

She started filling both rooms with empty boxes and other crap. So far we have removed 50 bags, and god knows how many armloads of boxes.

Wednesday was the day Tony and Cath were going to come and start to cleanup the mess their beloved mother left and to see if there was anything of hers they wanted.

Again I'm still in a state of deep mourning so I stupidly agreed.

They show up with 4 more people, Tony's wife (a really nice and decent lady-the only decent person in the horde) Cath, her daughter (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'nuf said) Fran's sister, who slithered in the back door along with someone I never met, and still haven't and the grand daughter Tony and his wife said hi, and she gave me a hug. Cath and her daughter, didn't say anything, just glared. They all left the same way, without a word. The only thing I said was "Please ask before you take anything, as not everything in the bedroom was hers." Who knew with her crazy behavior over the past 2 years what was now stored in that room? And to not go in the other room as everything in that room was either mine or the Spawn's.

My daughter, my sister and a friend of mine tried to make sure they were doing the few things I requested. They didn't. Cath went into Spawn's room. Spawn told her to get out. She replied it's not your room. Spawn said it was. Unfortunately, Spawn told me after the horde left.

And Spawn noticed Tony knocking quarters out of a 50 states map and pocketing the quarters. Question his character? Heavens no.

Trying to get my life back a bit, I found my checkbooks. The 40,000 dollar balance is now 900 bucks.
I found my last credit card statement. When I left it was 0. Now it is over 20,000,

Turns out Cath and daughter greedily accepted 4000 in cash, and god knows how much in prizes. I got sick after seeing a credit card bill for a 180 dollar pair of boots, and a 150 dollar collectible doll. Tony and family pocketed a cool 6000 bucks. All this from mom's Social Security, as she collected 1000 per month, along with her medical bills of 800 per month leaving her a cool 200.

All this in the 16 month period in which I was hospitalized.

THE FUNERAL

Believe it or not, this is the funny part.
There was no viewing because Fran didn't want one. There was no memorial because they are money hungry. There was a funeral, because those are free.

The funeral was scheduled on a day when I have dialysis, and could not get to the Mass on time. I cut my time short so I could make it, albeit a few minutes late.
The family sat in the front with tears because their ATM, umm I meant mother died.

I had my family, a social worker, and friends there to support and restrain me. They did a pretty good job.I yelled out hypocrite when the teary eyed daughter did a bible reading. I patiently waited for God to smite her. He did not. Damn.

Finally, I lost it. When they proceeded out of the church, I respectfully waited until Fran passed then I started in on these lowlife jerks. When I saw Cath pass I yelled out "What, did you poke yourself in the eye? The tears were phony.

Then I got in the center aisle and said "I'm the guy who loved and supported this women for almost 20 years and this family scum won't recognize me."

Immediately some old hag said she knew the family for 47 years. I said "I feel sorry for you."
She said, "what did Fran see in you?"
In a friendly manner I said "shut the fuck up." She said "You should be glad we're in church." With a final fuck you to her , I rolled away. She told her fellow bitchasaurus that she would slap me if she wasn't in a church. Spawn overheard and said "That's my dad you are talking about and no one better even think about trying to slap him. You have to get through me to get to him."

When leaving, I saw Cath's daughter, walking along and totally ignoring me. I yelled "Tell your mother I hope she dies and takes you with her."

Yeah it was mean, but it was heartfelt.

When the Spawn got into her car, a car with some old hags(we're assuming Cath's friends)pulled up behind her and started yelling and giving her the finger telling Spawn, "I hope you fucking die." Spawn(always ready to protect her dad) quickly jumped out of the car and said, "What the fuck did you say bitch?" The car then sped off. When they were a far enough distance away they then gave her the finger again. Cowards.

I still have to get copies of the death certificates I need, and the reading of the will. I need to get lawyered up.

The end.

Father Kerrigan was right.

I feel better.

http://www.humorbloggers.com ell the family

Thank you

2011-10-20T11:35:00.003-04:00

Truly I would like everyone for all your kind words. They meant a lot.

The funeral istomorrpw.

Thought for the day:

Step children and in-laws

Can't live with them, can't leave them in a bloody bullet-ridden pile.

JFTR

Mrs. C was pronounced dead late Monday and her family showed up late that night to go through her stuff. I won't trouble you with details but it got much worse after that. Hence the thought.

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Yesteday

2011-10-18T07:24:00.003-04:00

was the worst day of my life.

The beautiful Mrs.C passed away.

She was my every.thing

\
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...

2011-10-18T07:22:00.000-04:00

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Earthquake!!!!!

2011-08-23T14:33:00.004-04:00

I feel the earth move under my feet......This no time for 70's tunes.

Run for your lives!!!!!!

It's the big one. NJ is sliding into the Atlantic!!!!

Oh wait. Nothing happened.

My bed shook a little.

But TV news is going crazy.

They have been reporting for an hour that nothing happened. They have all stated that there was a little shaking--that's it.

By the way, next time as you think about your tax dollars at work, think about this: Senator Frank Lautenburg from NJ will collect a six figure pension, get free medical care, Social Security, and other benefits.

He is worth 55 million dollars.

Good to see our elected officials take such good care of themselves.

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Living on the Edge

2011-08-20T15:15:00.004-04:00

In the news they stated that those who watch a lot of TV are as at risk for early, sudden death as smokers and couch potatoes.

I watch about 84 hours a week (is that a lot?) so I may not make it to the end of this post.

So far, so good. My fringers are crossed, which makes it really hard to type.

Every day, craziness surrounds us.

Tidbit in the local paper, "Jewish singles group to meet for lunch at Cheezeburger in Paradise."

Uhhhm, aren't cheeseburgers not Kosher?

I'm not Jewish, nor am I single, but I can laugh at it.

Is Justin Bieber the anti-Christ?

Discuss.

Mrs. C has been in a, shall we say, mood, lately.

Nope, I didn't do a thing to cause it.

Yeah, ok, I do tend to poke the bear occasionally.

It gets boring around here.

Stumpy still hasn't healed. When he does, he'll go to the hospital with me for a few weeks. We have to learn to walk again. It's been over 2 years.

Bye for now.

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WTF

2011-08-12T20:23:00.002-04:00

There is a movement to have Bert and Ernie get married.

Really?

Bert and Ernie aren't gay and uhm....they're muppets'

Oy.

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Another Problem Solved

2011-08-09T19:57:00.005-04:00

Ok, you know how those stupid flying carp are taking over some rivers in America? They destroy The native species and are a general PITA.

Ok, the government appropiates $10 mil (about what the military spends on those little plastic things on bootlace ends) to put a bounty on these fish, maybe a couple bucks each. Got to catch them with a net, not a drag seine, which would do too much damage to the ecosystem.

Take the fish to the cat food factory. Give it to them free.

So cat food drops in price. ranny with her 19 cats can get cheaper food, so naybe once a month or so, she orders a pizza.

So we provide employment, help the restuarnt industry, and hekp pizza delivery dudes.

Win-win-win.

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What a week

2011-08-07T16:59:00.004-04:00

My cather failed at dialysis, so went in to the hospital on Friday for replacement. Took 4 hours due to 3 and 45minutes of waiting. Then had to go back when it started bleeding when Mrs C brought me home. Back to hospital. All told we spent a bit over 8 hours.

Shark week is finally over. I'm afraid to even go near a kiddy blow up pool, cause it may have a small shark.

Here's a thought. Why not kill all the sharks? Yeah sure, Chinese people won't be able to eat shark fin soup. Hell, they eat enough weird crap, so too bad.

Ok, then the fish population will get too big. Our fish supplies are too low, anyway.

What about too many seals? Ship the seals to Alaska to feed the polar bears, which are starving and living on Coke and beer nuts. and kids from Connecticut.

So it's win-win-win.

Either that or we fit bears with scuba gear to fight the sharks.

Again win-win-win.

Today, watched the talking heads on PBS and they conclude we should spend our way out of the recession.

Great idea, everyone strart spending double your income. That should help.

Yeah, it sounds crazy, but they are on tv.

Solving the world problems 1 at a time.

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Decisions, Decisions

2011-08-04T12:31:00.005-04:00

Regular readers know that I'm in end stage kidney failure and on dialysis. Basically my kidneys are ornamental. So last week a nurse at dialysis suggested that I go on the waiting list for a transplant. I"ve given it a lot of thought and made a of the good and bad to decide. Maybe youse can read my list and help me. Even think of other reasons. if you can.

Bad....................................Good

Dead guy parts in my body.............;Write my name in the snow again

Another major operation................Nurses

Much more bathroom time..........,..,.,No dialysis

Lot of pain.......................... Really, really good drugs

Hospital food........................Nurse and drugs woohoo !!(seond mention of both
......................................mention of both)

No big screen TV and 180 channels.....Won't have to listen to Mrs. C"s soaps

See youse in a couple days.

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SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME, SUM, SUM,SUMMERTIME

2011-07-24T17:19:00.005-04:00

Holy crap was it hot this weekend!!!!

108and heat index of 115 on Friday, 102 with an index of 110 on Saturday.

Today it's only in the mid 90's. You know, sweater weather.

And naturally I fell when getting in the car yesterday. So I lay in the driveway of the restaurant until some dude named Rick picked me up.

Amazing how hot asphalt gets as I do a turtle impression on it.

I've been busy lately. Remember a week ago when the wife cut off a guy's... uhhmmm... naughty bits and put them in the garbage disposal?

Well I have been removing the garbage disposal and dulling all our knives. Can't be too careful.

Take care. Talk to youse soon, unless my underwear melts.

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Weird nj

2011-07-07T20:39:00.002-04:00

It's a magazine, it's a book. Heck, it's a franchise.

And what is so weird about NJ?

Lots, but here's some weird/stupid stuff in my town.

Went by a store selling "drinking water". Would anyone be willing to buy another kind?

They are next door to a liquor store named, and I'm not making this up, "WINOLAND."

TV has been advertising its fall lineup since June. They should spend more time writing good shows, instead of all those moronic "reality" shows.

Oy vey

2011-06-30T07:29:00.002-04:00

This really annoys me.

I fool around with language sometimes, but I know it.

But when a major news outlet anchor uses incorrect language, well, it is just so stupid it is irritating.

Last week, they were discussing a mom killing her kid. The anchor referred to it as matricide.

How stupid can they be?

I often hear among young people the word coversating Oy!!! Conversing, please.

And I've even seen teachers write the non-word alot. A lot, Teach.

I gotta go. Conversate among yourselves 'til I get back.

Namaste to youse

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The one degree battle

2011-06-28T20:40:00.003-04:00

Nope, it's not like 44 40 or fight. ((Putting my History degree to use.)

And nothing to do with Kevin Bacon.

The Mrs and I have an ongoing battle over theair conditioner.

She sets it 1 degree lower when I leave, and I raise it 1 when she leaves. Neither of us will speak of this.

Some 95 year olod lady had her diaper searched at the airport because security found a hard object in her diaper. Ewwwwwwwwws.

Remind me to never work in airport security.

My "Be a Swami in 30 EZ lessons" is going well.

Namaste and Ohhhmmm to all of youse.

Now that Weiner is gone

2011-06-18T11:03:00.001-04:00

where will the media get their inane stories to cover. Guess it's only a short time 'til another politician finds himself with his pants down, so to speak.

Had to pass on all jobs for a while. In about a month I need to go in the hospital
for prosthetic training, and in the meantime I need to get pre-training.

But today, while watching my Saturday Indian programming (Namaste America) I saw a commercial for a Swami.

First thought

Swami Crotchety

I could do everything he did, except remove black magic.

The Google must have ways to learn that.So coming soon

The Crotchety Swami.

Type to youse soon.
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Weiner-gate the saga that never ends

2011-06-15T18:13:00.001-04:00

New photos were released today where he flashes his guns. (snicker)

I had bigger guns when I was 12.

And still, in interviews with some New Yorkers, they still support him. "It's his personal business."

People over 80 shouldn't be allowedn to vote without an IQ test.

Now that I think of it, under 80 should have one,too.

Did you know in NJ, retarded people can vote. I used to work in Social Services so they pick up the folks and cart them to the polls.

Most of them can't tell the difference among a cartoon, a documentary, and the news. Nice to kinow who is determining our future.

When I get my leg later this month, I'll put blue pinstripes on it.

Love my Yankees.

The fun raiser didn't go so well last weekend.

A lost slightly inebriated guy showed up, which seems to be my core of supporters.

My new campaign chest totals @12.35 and a button. I should probably auction the button on ebay. It's really nice.

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Creepy edition

2011-06-14T17:21:00.001-04:00

Did you see the Jell-o pudding "Pudding Face " ad?

I think they stopped the campaign already because they were, weel, uh... creepy.

Apparently, pudding leaves one with pudding face, which looks like Jack Nicholsons portayal of the Joker in the movie Batman.

Who thought this was a good idea?

Talking about creepy, doesn't Weinergate get creepier every day?

Damn crazy New Yorkers still support him.

Next, he will get treatment, and come back crying that he was ill, and ask forgiveness, and soldier on.

Oy, what a ....ummm.... err....weiner.

Here's an example of your tax dollars at waste. I meant work.

In the next month or so, I'll be fitted with my orthotic leg returning me to more or less a contributing member of society.

I have to spend a few weeks in the hospital for this, because Medicare will pay for that, but not a visit to rehab, which would be a fraction of the cost.

Knuckleheads.

Stay cool.

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Damn! It's hot!!!!!

2011-06-09T18:08:00.003-04:00

But the research and development at Crotchety Old Man Enterprises and Discount House of Worship have been hard at word solving the problem.

First, we developed a pants fan.

The wimmins model gave the testers an...ummm....well let's say a sorta Brazilian.

The mens?

My lawyers have advised me not to talk about it.

So our nezt phase of development (hey, Edison didn't make a working lightbulb on his first try) was a pants air conditioner. It is nearly completed, but the engineers can't decide if it should be powered by 2 car batteries with a handy yet handsome carrying case, or a really long cord.

I will get back to you once it is perfected and passes UL testing.

A campaign update.

I rolled around the neighborhood and solicited donations. I collected $11.16 and a button.

We have scheduled a fund raiser luncheon at Wendy's.

It's $5 a plate for Nuggets (spicy or regular) and choice of beverage.

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Weinergate

2011-06-07T11:24:00.006-04:00

The biggest news around here (New York news outlet) is Weinergate. Congressman Anthony Weiner was accused of sending pictures of his, umm, err naughty bits aka (snicker) weiner to various wimmen on his Twitter account. For a week or so, he sadi his account s hacked. Of course, late yesterday, he admitted he did it all himself. He went on TV, and after the mandatory crying session, he asked for forgiveness and said he would not resign.

How magnaminous of him.

Today it was revealed that he had phone sex with a porn star, possibly while he was on government time, using government equipment. It gets interestinger and interestinger. Is there any public servant who can have some self-control?

Not Ahnold, Not those crazy international bankers, and not the Weiner man.

I know I've been MIA for a few weeks. It would be great to say that I was abducted by an alien all female biker gang, who made me do unspeakable things, but that would mean I'm lying, and there is would be a tear-filled apology in my near future.

So, a quick explanation is:

I suck.

And now, my lame, but true excuse.

When I was in the hospital, followed by many months of rehab, I was diagnosed with depression. So, the doctor prescribed happy pills. While my hope was for myself becoming a grinng, drooling, idiot. Not nearly achieved, sadly.

So they doubled the dosage and were still far short of my goal.

After a couple months of therapy I was able to do what I pass for normalcy.

Well, the last few weeks I fell into what could be called a funk.

So, I owe you an extra- sized blog post. Not saying it will be good, but it will be long.

At this time I would like to announce my candidacy for President.

I'd hope my running mate would be

Richard Simmons

My entire platform hasn't been drawn up yet, but for starters:

No left turns. They cause accidents and traffic jams.
No politions with funny names.
No white before Labor Day. Or is it after Labor Day?

Either way it's a start. If you have more include them in the comments, as my candidacy is a work in progress.

My campaign slogan is "Vote for Crotchety. He needs a job."

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In case the world ends today

2011-05-21T07:55:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd share some random thoughts, though if it does end, this blog will be as useful as always. That is, print it out and line a bird cage.

Useful tip number one (in case there is a Monday) Always buy used textbooks. They have been read, so you don't have to. A big timesaver for a student.

In case the Apocalypse produces Zombies, one of the best weapons is a shotgun. A baseball bat also works well.

Never trust a Zombie that wants to be your friend. For more Zombie related tips watch Shawn of the Dead or any Zombie related instructional videos.

Never believe anyone who says the way they cook liver, it's delicious. Liver is always nasty, even if it is covered with whipped cream.

Arugala is over rated.

After the Apocalypse, giant cockroaches will rule the earth. I saw it in a 70's Godzilla documentary.

Shouldn't Queen Elizabeth step down already? Give Charles a chance to be Queen, if only for today.

If a terrorist became a Zombie, would he blow up other Zombies? That would be a good thing, right?

See you next week, unless we are all fighting Zombies and demons.

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weekend update.

2011-05-14T10:44:00.004-04:00

compter is actinhg up. orry for anyone who got a triple post of nothing.

Anyway, lots of stuff happening.

I decided to be a free-lance tutor for hire. I already have a few clients, and more who want to wait for summer.

Haven't passed out at dialysis in a week, so that's a positive.

You know what is really pissing me off lately?

News teasers.

"The one product in your pantry that will kill you! Tune in at 11"

If it's so dangerous, tell me now, dammit!!!

Mrs and I have been warring lately.

What do mean what did I do?

Oh yeah, youse always assume I did something,

Well, ok, maybe I did. A little bit. Sorta.

Alright, I was a total jerk and was almost bad. Almost. Sorta.

See, youse shoulda had more faith in me.

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More stupidity

2011-05-03T15:51:00.002-04:00

I watch a lot of cooking shows (don'judge-Mrs uses the smoke alarm as a timer) and more than once the host will advise in cooking something to use a good quality ingredient.

Excuse me, but who would purposely use a crappy ingredient?

Been really bored lately, found myself watching about 2 hours of a show about parking. Metermaids, tow trucks and the like. 200 channels and that is what was settled on.

Oy

I'm also pissed that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I am sorta decsended from royalty. Good Prince Crotchety. Actually it was from a duke or on earl, but if I make up a title for myself, it should be a better one than I deserved.

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Do they listen to themselves?

2011-04-28T15:35:00.003-04:00

Just yesterday, I heard someone on TV say that some program changed their life and they made a complete 360.

Ummm, wouldn't that mean that they are back where they started, but perhaps dizzy if they spun too fast?

I often hear the phrase "I could care less," well that makes no sense at all because "I could not care less" means the same thing to them.

How could opposites mean the same?

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Gas Prices

2011-04-22T20:10:00.003-04:00

Ok, President Obama wants to have gas prices investigated.

I volunteer to be on the panel.

Here in NJ, we have a few stations in about a square mile charging #4.09.

Less than a mile away the price is $3.65.

Same town, same road and a difference of over 40 cents per gallon.

The reason?

The stations are the first ones as you get off the interstate.

Gouge much?

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Just one more thing

2011-04-20T13:14:00.003-04:00

Ok, most of youse know I've had a lot of stuff. Heart attack, congestive heart failure, depression, skin cancer, kidney failure, amputations, belly button removal and stroke.

Now what?

Athlete's foot.

I am transported by ambulance to dialysis and come home the same way. I only leave the house for doctor's appointments.

Basically, I'm treated like veal.

How the hell did I get Athlete's foot?

Since there is only half the feet of a normal person, I have 50% lesser chance than you.

But no, I got it.

What will I get next?

My money is on some rare disease discovered in the upper reaches of MONGOLIA.

And only found in left- handed goat herders.

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Ethical Question

2011-04-15T19:00:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, Mrs. C was driving me to the doctor and we were cut off by a knucklehead who ran a yield sign,

Of course she was talking on her phone, which is illegal in many states including NJ.

Now my question is this: should I be allowed to shoot at her with a small caliber gun. It probably wouldn't kill her but she would HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE.

By the way in case you had any faith in Harvard as little more than a cesspool of anti American principles and teaching, it is rumored that they have offered Bernie Madoff a position as a professor of ethics. Didn't they know John Gotti Jr is available?

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All-time best

2011-04-11T15:35:00.004-04:00

telemarketer/scammer.

Called me Friday to let me know I won Publishers Clearing House for an $850,000 prize. First thing I thought was, what a party I could throw for my blog buddies. A week ar the Jersey Shore (not the TV show with the Guidos and Guidettes) but famous Atlantic City. Shows, gambling, the beach.

Woohoo!!!

But my next thought was

SCAM, Jamaican, style.

So, as usual, I decided to screw around with the dude.

Kept him on the phone for 12 minutes plus.

He called me back 12 times over the weekend. Told him my car was in the shop, that stopped the calls until Monday.

They started again. I didn't answer until the 6th call. Told him I contacted my sister and the FBI (www.IC3.gov) and he said my sister and the FBI were trying to corrupt my thinking. Then I told him because I have brain dasmage my sister controls my money.

He dropped the price to 200.

The last call was 22:45.

Last call I promised to try to get a ride to Western Union, can't drive due to the damage. ;)

Good thing I have a lot of free time.

\http://www.humorbloggers.com

Where's my reality show?

2011-04-08T14:47:00.006-04:00

It seems every weirdo and freak has a reality show. Now I'm as big a freak as anyone- An old fat guy, with one leg, no bellybutton,depressed, anti-social, and with a love of prescription drugs so....

WHERE'S MY DAMN SHOW?

I spend hours entertaining Mrs. C, so why not those who would be my core audience- shut-ins and the mentally challenged?

I'm always doing stupid, err, funny stuff.

Likr yesterday I was at the wound care center, and they put me in the overflow room, with directions they would call on the phone when they had room.

Phone rings, I answer "Dominos Pizza."

I guess youse had to have been there.

Ho;y cow

2011-04-07T21:57:00.002-04:00

Saw Iggy Pop on Idol last night and he sang Wild Child.

C'mon, he's in his mid sixties (and looks it)

Shouldn't he just give it up?

Once a rocker is on Social Security, he should be forced to retire.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Guess where I went last night?

2011-04-06T15:11:00.002-04:00

Put on pants (first time in 2 years) over clean underwear (won't tell how long that's been) and got my gtimpy ass to a job interview.

Well, it was in the same field I worked in before, but at half the pay.
Interviewer said she never heard of anyone making that much money in this field.

I told her it's because I'm good. (I am) Let you know when I get the job.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

I wonder

2011-04-03T16:02:00.003-04:00

Why are people so dumb?

Yeah, I know about all the yearly compilation of stupid people is pretty amazing, but we must wonder if commercials have to include such warnings as: "Contact your doctor if sudden loss of eyesight or hearing occurs."

No shit. What moron wouldn't? Really.

Anyone that dumb should just suffer the consequences of being so dopey.

This was an ad for Viagra, so definately he should not be allowed to breed.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Birthday to me

2011-04-01T17:24:00.003-04:00

Of course, my birthday is April Fools Day.

Did you expect anything different?

I was making up a list of top ten things bad about getting older.

But you know with my blazing typing speed (17 WPM in the house, for shizzle) that's probably a 2 hour task. I don't have the patience for that on my special day.

So, I listed my number 1 bad thing about getting older.

Raquel Welch is selling reading glasses.

Maybe my younger readers won't care, but I'm sure my older ones, especially male boomers, will get it.

Hey, I didn't expect to make it after the last year or so, and I'm really grateful for the second chance I got and really appreciated all the prayers and good wishes I received. Even though there is no scientific evidence, I am positive that is the reason I'm still standing. Well, youse know what I mean.

Thanks.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Best PSA Ever

2011-03-30T15:24:00.002-04:00

The guy from Letterman does it.

"There have been a lot of movements since the 60's. But the most important one is the one before getting a colonoscopy"

I've had one and believe me I wouldn't refer to it as a movement.

It was a 4 hour poop-a-thon.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

My nephew figured it out

2011-03-27T12:32:00.003-04:00

The other day when I was talking to my sister on the phone, my nephew cut in and told me, "Uncle Joe Bob, you need sister wives."

The kid's a genius!!!

I am such a high maintenance gimp that it will take a few to take care of me.

It should take 2 worker wives, 1 housecleaner/assistant cook wife, 1 TV watcher (cartoons especially) wife. The currenr Mrs. C will handle snuggling duties.

What kind of ad should I run, and where?

http://www.humorbloggers.com

More killer fruits

2011-03-15T15:01:00.003-04:00

I don't just fear starfruit, especially when cut and used as a ninja weapon like Janna suggested, but there are 2 others which can be lethal to me.

Orange juice and bananas. As you eat your Cheerios and slice a banana into it, and pour yourself a glass of liquid sunshine, just think of your old friend friend Crotchety who this may accidently be his last meal.

Imagine a Mafia hit man, rather than put a bullet behind my ear, can simply feed me orange and banana smoothies abd I'll wind up in a body bag by the end of the day.

Another baffler for CSI.

By the way I answered comments yesterday and plan to in the future.

Unless I'm sick.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Wieird stuff

2011-03-13T20:01:00.003-04:00

I'm not making this up (for once) but their is a fruit that can kill me.

STARFRUIT

No one is sure how much it will take, but I was told don't ever eat any.

So youse know what is going through my mind.

What the hell does it taste like and where can I get some.
What if I only licked it?

I will buy some and use it to get Mrs. C to do stuff.

When I ask her to get me a snack and she says no, just whip out the starfruit and say, "No prob, I'll eat this," and see her jump up. Cruel, but funny.

What if she says no? Calls my bluff?

No wonder I'm always in trouble with her.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

What I'm Pissed off About Today

2011-02-27T13:07:00.002-05:00

How the heck did I manage tp post a blank page?

Anyway, today I'm pissed off by New Yorkers who went batshit crazy ond were offended by a billoboard against abortion. I don't care where you stand on the subject but blacks get a disproportianet amount of them. Why would pointing that out be offensive? Crack dealers all over the place, hookers flashing their naughty bits on the street, filth everywhere,this is what is offensive. Hard to understand.

Next, the government. Had to overhaul Medicare. Ok we all know there is fraud.

So now when I go to get my shoes, I have to go to at least 2 doctors, because there must be tons of shoe fraud because diabetic shoes are so damned sexy and stylish.

Grandma shoes are HOT!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

2011-02-24T11:19:00.005-05:00

I've had the same 'do since I was 5 years old. Avoided the mullet, long hair, faux hawks and everything in between.

Hey, it was a classic.

But today, I needed to wash my hair and get a trim. Rather than go through all that, I shaved my head. I guess sometimes I'm an all or nothing guy.

By the way, how many of youse have had a conversation in your home that started out with "Now that you are afraid of meat again, mayne it's time you called the shrink."

I need to put her number on speed dial. I don't have issues, I have subscriptions.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Frosty Weather

2011-02-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

Here at Casa Crotchety Mrs C was in a rather foul mood.

And why do youse automatically assume it was something I did?

Yeah, it's always the man, huh?
I know how youse think.

Blame Crutchety. I'm starting to get a complex. A persecution one at that.

Well, ok maybe it was my fault, but only a little. A teeny tiny speck of fault.

Maybe.

Stop looking at me that way.

Your acting like there's another woman involved.

Well sorta. But I am pure of action, heart, and mind. Hey, youse wonder how much trouble I can possibly get in with Mrs. C. without leaving the room. Youse would be surprised.

She'll probably warm up soon. I'm ao darn cute and charming. How could she resist? :)

.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

A Bit of Sanity

2011-02-19T08:42:00.003-05:00

In this sue happy society it is nice to see when a lawsuit is dropped.

The woman who sued a store bhecause she had been "been injured as a result of defendant's fraudulent conduct," the now-dead suit stated.

The amount of the damages sought?

5 million dollars.

The disputed amount of damages that she started the lawsuit for?

80 cents.

Oy.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

A Belated Happy Valentines's Day

2011-02-15T18:23:00.007-05:00

I'm recovering from yeaterday.

Wimmen

Just when you think you know a woman...there they go acting all crazy again.

As usual, I thought about a nice Valentine's gift for the Nrs.0. Been watching some fashion shows on tv. Belts are a great fashion accessory, so what could be better?

Pretty and practical. I suggested she could use it for kitchen tools, too. While she is at it, she could use the gps to find the kitchen.

Maybe I shoulda bought a card.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Your tax dollars at work

2011-02-12T14:18:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting lately.
I really should do more because after all youse guys pay for my dialysis @ $40,000 per month.

I'd like to thank you for that and probably owe you more than 1 lame post per week.

Oh yeah, and as for the disability check--thanks.

Though I am seeking work, but am pretty much undesireable for much more than a Wal-Mart greeter, and I can't do that very well.

Welcome to Wal Mart. What the hell do you want? When's my break time?

I spend a lot of time per day just thinking up stuff.

Every time I go to the hospital they give me plastic ware like toothbrush tubs, wash basins , and bedpans. To not be wasteful I do try to re-purpose them. Did you know bedpans make a dandy container for onion dip?

Well, that's pretty much all I've come up with.

I'll be getting an etsy listing and selling dip containers if anyone is interseted. They can also be used for bean dip and salsa.

Available in a festive pink. Quanities are limited.

Another sign of the Apocolypse

2011-01-29T11:49:00.005-05:00

Guess who is having a movie made of his life?

Justin Beiber. All of life and his amazing struggle to reach the top of the pop world will be wrapped up in 90 minutes or so.

He's 16.

Oy.

I'm speechless.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Snow again

2011-01-27T15:22:00.002-05:00

I'm starting to feel bad for Mrs.C., but have to admit all this shoveling is getting her kinda buff.

Lately been watching Idol, hate it but Mrs. likes Steven Tyler, thinks he's so handsome. Now I'm all male, so I can't tell a handsome male from all the rest, but I can spot ugly, and he is fugly, which is a step beyond.

I woke up this norning with my usual weird thoughts, and today's was what ever happened to Fearless Fosdick?

And quickly followed by who the heck is Fearless Fosdick?

Thanks to our friends at the Google, I found out who he was. It's not easy being me.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Slowly, but surely, kicking and sceaming

2011-01-25T17:17:00.003-05:00

Crotchety is dragged into the 21st century. He got a cell phone! No texting or any of that techy stuff. Still need Mrs. C. To explain how the buttons work. I did manage to call the bedroom phone from my living room.

Big Surprise Duh News of the Day!!!

That 79 cents big beef taco from Taco Bell may not be all beef. There is a lawsuit, probably from the same folks who are suing the government for beach erosion. It's impossible to make up strories as funny as the real news.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

In trouble again

2011-01-16T10:53:00.004-05:00

I know youse won't believe it, but Mrs. C is angry with me. And what did I do? Nothing, as usual.

I'm a victim of circumstances.

I bought a new power wheelchair that she claims she knew nothing about. I'm really sure she was told about the giant red chair now sitting in the middle of our kitchen. When she said it was in the way, I offered to teach her how to drive it so she could move around in the kitchen. But she got more angry.

And it takes a while to learn how to control it and I promised to replace all the flowers I ruined when I knocked over the plant stand. I sure as heck can't do anything about the irreplaceble stand itself. And it's not bad, just a few gashes. It gives it character. Perhaps her late father should have installed bumper guards when he built it 45 years ago. It would have prevented the whole ugly mess. So it's really his fault.

She didn't buy that either.

To try to make it up to her, even though I did no wrong, I asked her to make me pancakes for breakfast. She grumbled something (probably "sure, my love") and while she was making my bed, I complimented her for doing it so well. And there was that mumbling again.

I'm in the doghouse so often, I should put shag carpeting and a big screen TV in there.

By the way, I answer your comments when I can. When I don't I'm not being rude, it's just I'm in so much pain it's impossible to spend that much time at the 'puter. If I get my stoopid laptop fixed, that will change things. Right now, I can't use the h,b,n keys on it. That would make my gibberish even less decipherable.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Snow again GRRRRRRR

2011-01-12T15:20:00.004-05:00

Before today's Pulitzer Prize worthy blog post, here's the rant of the day. We got a bit of snow here, about 6". That didn't stop NYC Mayor Mike (quick get a camera crew) Bloomberg from holding a press conference about the snow! This guy is becoming a pain in the ass, and I'm not even in New York.

Here's today's irregularly scheduled post:

Last week, the lottery hit a third of a billion dollars. Since my retirement plan is a dollar and a dream, I started to imagine what I'd do if I won. Here's my list:
Buy
1. Fur toilet seats for cold mornings
2. Solid gold snow shovel for Mrs. C (she does deseve the best)
3. A Rolls Royce and have it modified into a pick up truck, with a gun rack.
4. A new home with a moat and drawbridge.
5. An Italian restuarant, so I can have seating for 12 when the Mrs and I go out. I like to move around when I eat.

Hire:
1b. A security force (army) of clowns armed with Uzis that shoot silly string.
2b. 1000 Elvis impersonators to sing Happy Birthday to me every morning.
3b. A baker to bake the world's largest coconut cream pie. (Why? Remember that army of clowns?)

Lastly, I'd acquire a few towns, and rename them after body parts.
Like Naughty Bits, Kentucky. Nah, I'd probably name them all Naughty Bits. I'd also send a check for $3.92 each to all my regular commentors like Sandee, Maritess, MB, LL, Reffie, Janna, Don, and FishHawk.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

So, there I was

2011-01-10T19:02:00.005-05:00

reading my underwear........What, you don't wear underwear with comic books written on them? Kind of like adult underoos.

Nevermind. It wasn't a really good story unless you really, really like Spiderman.

Well, I went to a job interview the other day. They made me take a typing test. Turns out I can type a blistering 17 words a minute. Didn't get to the interview. Sigh.

But on the bright side it makes you appreciate every pixel I so painstakingly kill for this blog.

Yeah, and for those of youse who wonder, I lost a leg, not an arm.

In the next few days I'll be getting a scooter, for more mobility. Wonder how much trouble I can get in with that? I'm already banned from using the scooters at Stop and Shop, and I've been warned in Atlantic City.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

smile

2011-01-07T01:55:00.000-05:00

This just cracks me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FGZvFZdVbk

Have a good weekend.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

What's pissing me off today

2011-01-06T13:07:00.004-05:00

This could be a weekly feature, since I get pissed off nearly every day.

Today it's rigatoni and cupcakes.

First, the rigatoni.

Now, I'm part Italian, and had pasta and tomato sauce very Sunday growing up, and usually it was rigatoni and ground beef (meat sauce we called it. You probably know it as Bolagnese.) It was and still is my favorite meal. I asked Mrs. C to buy some at the store. She came back with something that the box said was rigatoni, but the contents were ziti with lines, usually called ziti rigati. Totally different. Bastages. How could they try to pass this off as rigatoni?

About the cupcakes. TastyKake is a regional bakery out of Philly. Usually, I don't trust people from Philly, but I grew up with Tastycake, so they get some slack. Anyway, the chocolte cupcakes are awesome. So, Mrs. C bought me some today and they were terrible.
The cakes were the usual soft delicious chocolate selves, but the icing--bleh.
In the past the icing was thick and fudgey. Now it is wafer thin and tastes stale. They weren't out of date (it's not the 22nd yet) and just crappy.

I'll be sending them a letter explaining that they have a disgruntled customer rather than the one who was previously errrr..... gruntled.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy New Year

2011-01-03T16:46:00.003-05:00

I was so busy on New Year's Day I haven't recovered yet.

On many Holidays, TV channels have marathons, whereby they play episodes of one show.

This year, are you ready for this, there was a marathon of The Three Stooges, and the A Team, and The Honeymooners, all at the same time. I know... my remote control was overheating.

If Gilligan's Island was on a 4th channel, my brain would have exploded.

Today we're back to what passes for normal at Casa Crotchety, and while watching the Price is Right, I saw what may be the dumbest item ever. A treadmill bike. You can travel on it while walking along. Wouldn't regular walking do the same thing?

By the way, I made some resolutions.

I resolve to write better. Rather than the short posts, I'll try to make them worth reading.

And, lastly..,...,..STOOPID GIANTS.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Newscasters are morons

2010-12-29T15:17:00.004-05:00

Seriously.

We had a major blizzard in this area, between 20 and 30 inches of snow, and drifting.

The news reporters went batshit crazy, as if we had neither windows nor doors to go outside and see for ourselves. Reporters were all over the streets while telling us not to go out. It's not enough to say the streets aren't plowed, we need to be shown. After all, unplowed Elm St in Elizabeth looks so much different than unplowed Hamilton St. in Elizabeth, NJ.

Damn, I need a font for sarcasm.

And, by the way, Mrs. C wants a new shovel, which I'll buy for her. God, I'm so good to that woman.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Global warming, my butt

2010-12-27T10:39:00.002-05:00

We got snow up to my naughty bits, and with wind chill, it's single digits.

The 2 coldest months are ahead of us.

I want to kick Al Gore in the 'nads..

A belated Happy Boxing Day, whatever that is. Hey, it's on my calender.

But it was my nephew's birthday. I chose to celebrate that.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas From the Crotchety Family and our watchdog Pepper.

Pepper is a beloved family member of my friend Sweetneas, and photo is borrowed from her.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Merry Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T10:25:00.002-05:00

Most of my grinchiness is gone. Thanks to readers/friends The Middle Aged Fat Woman,(read her blog) and Lisa I am having a very nice Xmas. Even though they say Xmas is the season of giving, I like getting a lot.

I probably won't be back until Monday, but I left a present for youse tomorrow.

Which Shake Weight ad is funnier? (sorry I forgot how to make these thing clickable.)

Men: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI

Women: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXHUdvvHTkw

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Christmas Spirit Returns

2010-12-21T20:13:00.002-05:00

Mrs. C was driving me around and we saw a house so beautifully decorated it brought about the Holiday spirit in me.

They had one of those wire reindeer, a plastic snowman, and a cow.

It doesn't get any better.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Starve a cold, feed a hallucination

2010-12-18T10:15:00.005-05:00

Or something like that.

I was in pain the other day, so I took the pain patch that I haven't used in about a month. I also took some Oxycodone before going to sleep. That night I had so many hallucinations and nightmares. There were people in the room, and, of course, I hallucinated that I pooped in my bed and it was alive. Some of you may remember my hallucinations in the hospital involved pooping Mardi Gras beads. Why do my hallucinations always seem to involve poop? I guess that is for my psychiatrist to figure out.

Which reminds me, in the hospital they took several x-rays of my butt. I asked them to let me know what they found up there because I'm missing some stuff.

They didn't find anything so I received a couple enemas and some prune juice.

Happy times!!!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

A very happy Sunday to youse

2010-12-12T11:06:00.002-05:00

It's raining, damp, and cold, yet I feel good. It's probably the Celexa. :)

I'm not going to post the poll, but I'm sure it will run along gender lines. Since more women than men read this, Mrs. C. won the debate. I'm Celexahappy about that.

Also, I found a package of chocolate Twizzlers that she had hidden, which also cheers me up.

On to another subject.

"The boys" were sore. I spent 6 hours in a vinyl chair, and I use a slide board to transfer. A slide board is a 30" by 6" board that I use to go into my chair, go in the car, go on the potty, etc. When "the boys" are sore, youse can imagine the pain.
I called my friend, Freddie, and asked him if he had any ideas. He said to spray them with Pledge.

Said they would be slippery. I thought that made sense.

I sprayed and the pain was incredible!!!

I buffed for a half hour so now they are sore, itchy, and shiny.

But on the bright side, they are lemony fresh.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Now, for something completely different

2010-12-09T15:17:00.005-05:00

Instead of my usual ~~bitching~~ this will be different. Yeah, it was a crappy day, so let's talk about something everybody likes--commercials.

Some of youse may know that on a cruise years ago, in a trivia contest about commercials I tied an advertising exec in knowledge of commercials. I won when I anwered a general trivia question. (What is lighter than air, yet can sink a ship? I'll give the answer tomorrow if no noe can guess correctly, but I'm positive one or more of you will.)

Anyway, three commercials truly make me smile every time they come on.

Garth Jr. rocks!!! What's not to like about a 10 year old Viking with a beard? Absolutely hilarious!!!

#2 How can anyone not crack up when they see Peggy from Discover commercials. Peggy is the greatest customer service person ever.

#3 The girl who sings Hyundai carols is so cute and sings like an angel. I get tired of every diva belting out tunes with such a boomig voice that they turn jingle bells into opera.

You miss a lot by not watching TV. I'm sure most are on youtube though, Sandee.

If I can remember, how to do surveys, soon, hopefully tomorrow there will be a survey here on the blog that I hope everyone will participate in. It's about some issue that is currently causing major strife in Casa Crotchety. As usual it is all my fault, alledgedly.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

As hard as I try

2010-12-04T18:33:00.004-05:00

no matter how pleasnt my day has been, somebody manages to piss me off.

Today Mrs. C and I went to a nice lunch with my friend MB and her Mom. Got my first Christmas gift. On the way home Mrs. C bought a hot chocolate from Mickey D's for me. Turned on the TV to catch some golf. Life couldn't be better.

Then the news came on.

Charles Rangel (D NY) -you can look up what he did if yer interested- was censured, which means a large percentage of the House agreed he acted inappropiately.

In his first interview with the NY press he stated, among other stuff, and I'm not making this up,
"I didn't have sex with cildren."

Let's build him a monument!!!

I didn't have sex with children either, so make it 2 monuments.

Mine should be with an automatic spray system to wash off the bird doody.

And just in case you were wondering, when some of his ~~illiterate, moronic~~ faithful constituents said they would vote for him again because he had ~~robbed~~ done so much for them.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

More humbuggery

2010-12-02T15:25:00.003-05:00

Holy crap!

Did youse see the price of a tree in Manhatten? 900 bucks. Yes, you read that correctly. Some ~~morons~~wealthy folks are paying that much for a tree. The same tree in places like NJ, or Brooklyn would cost $150.

Bah Humbug!
Happy Hannakah! Youse guys need 8 days of presents.
Oy!!!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Bah, Humbug

2010-11-30T10:16:00.003-05:00

Black Friday, Buy More Stuff Saturday, then Cyber Monday. Christmas sales, songs and decorations for the last 2 weeks. I'm already Christmased out.

I declare today Bah Humbug Tuesday! No shopping, no carols, and no damn gingerbread!

If gingerbread were any good, wouldn't we have it all year? Maybe it's like turkey, many people only have it once a year.

Well, anyway, have a nice day.

And, BAH, HUMBUG.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T14:43:00.002-05:00

Shouldn't you be eating turkey with the family?

Shouldn't you be preparing for Black Friday?

I can't believe you're here. I guess I should feel honored that you decided to spend this small part of this Holiday with me. I am, thank you very much to each and every one. I am especially thankful for the many kind readers who called me when I was in the hospital and rehab. It was a long 15 months, and your calls made it tolerable. I ever you find yourself in the same situation (hopefully never) I'll do my best to return your kindness.

Enjoy the Holiday.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2010-11-24T15:04:00.002-05:00

The Victoria's Secret Holiday catalog came in today. When Mrs. C accused me of ogling beautiful women I assured her I was simply imaging what she looked like in those outfits.

She didn't buy it either.

The other day I was watching a football game, and a few people were praying.Did they really think that their deity would control the outcome of a game? I'd like to think that God has better things to do.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Amore

2010-11-23T15:26:00.002-05:00

Anniversary went well.

Got the Mrs. a dozen red roses ( how did I let the saleschick talk me into that, when a couple posies would have been fine) and had an awesome pizza for our romantic dinner.

By the way, I started to answer your comments.

Got to go. Physical therapist is here.

ttp://www.humorbloggers.com

That's amore

2010-11-22T12:32:00.003-05:00

Well, I forgot Mrs. C's anniversary was today. A major ooops. What could I buy her now that is so kickass she won't mind if it shows up a few days late?

I have $23.89. Any suggestions?

She already has a fairly new snow shovel, a new wooden spoon, and a perfectly good mop.

I'm going to get some glue and make her a macaroni card. That should be enough for today.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

2010-11-21T13:23:00.002-05:00

I forgot to tell youse yesterday that the doctor told me to take a test run with the Viagra. Take one, then sit for up to 4 hours observing my naughty bits. Sounds like pretty much a normal day for me, except that I'll be watching the Jets game at the same time. The ultimate multi-tasker, that's me.

I'm starting to try to write every day now.

This morning, I was watching my 40" TV (can you tell I love it) and the talking heads were discussing our PBS TV station. The begathons weren't really successful. That means most people don't want the station funded. So they'll use our tax dollars and make everyone fund it. I like PBS, and I fund it. But it's wrong to force me to. Bastages.

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Randomness

2010-11-20T15:05:00.004-05:00

Went to the doctor today. Got some insulin for my sugar, and some Vigara for my honey.

Once in a while Mrs. C. does me a solid. While in the hospital our TV exploded, so she got me a 40" TV. Still won't let me date, though. You take the good with the bad.

Can't think of anything interesting to write, and while that never stopped me before, today I'm wrapping it up. Going out tonight with Mrs. C., The Pretty Young Nurse, and Mr. Mopey.

Catch youse tomorrow.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

I'm a millionaire

2010-11-19T17:46:00.003-05:00

I got a phone call today from scammers.

Love 'em love 'em love 'em

Here's a quick summary

He said I won 5 million bucks. I got all excited because these are my favorite scammers.

He explained it came from Obama himself. Of course I asked to meet him. Sadly, the President is too busy.

So I asked him to send the check right away as I could use some cash.

Then he explained about the $250, to cover the cost of the US Marshalls, and other incidentals.

I explained I'll pay on delivery, and include a big tip for the driver.

After going on like this for 5 minutes or more he put his supervisor on the line.

The supervisor explained that a $250 dollar tip meant nothing to him because he was the CEO of the company and made much more than that.

Spoke with the CEO for about 10 minutes, then I just hung up because my doctor was calling.

They called back another 3 times but I was busy.

I love telemarketers.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Unbelievable

2010-11-18T15:35:00.002-05:00

Took a roll around the ranch today and it was an eye opener.

How the mice will play while the cat is away.

The woman has been spending like we have a money tree in the back yard. And a big one at that.

First, she PAID to have the house painted, knowing we had a perfectly good brush in the shed. And Charlie next door has a ladder she could have used for the high parts. To further agitate me she had it painted banana, even hough she knows I'm allergic.

New awnings. The old one was only missing a few strips.

Next, while going through the kitchen, a brand new wooden spoon. As rarely as she cooks you know she didn't wear out the old one.

Finally, I went through the fridge and pantry.

Name brand products.

No store brand peanut butter for Mrs. Rockefeller.

I gotta go and lecture the missus about frugality. Catch you tommorow.

I'll start visiting blogs soon.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Believe it or not

2010-11-17T14:14:00.003-05:00

I'm Home

At the rehab, the computer has been down for weeks so here's what's been going on.

The other day I was chased around by a little Asian woman with a commode. On my last day I pooped in it, and you have never seen a woman more excited to see me take a poop. Actually sounds like she may be my type of woman.

Guess what they put on Stumpy last week

No, not baby foreskin.

Give up?

A patch made from pig testicles.

When Joe gets around a rasher of bacon (insert your own joke here, I know most of you will.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Commercials for Morons

2010-10-27T14:52:00.002-04:00

These are real commercials and the target audience is morons.

There is a medication and one of the side effects may be dry mouth. The voice over helpfully points out that water may be helpful for dry mouth.

Reeaaalllyyy?

The Johnny Cochran firm in NY also advertises its legal services. They mention they are helpful in case of injury. You don't want to face the big insurance attorneys alone.

Or if you are a celebrity murderer.

See you in a couple days

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Finally...progress

2010-10-24T11:24:00.004-04:00

Seems that lately all I've written about is what body part was lost (total to date for new readers: leg, kidneys, belly button, mind) but today there's some good news.

I can lift my fat butt up and stand on my one leg by myself. Taa Daaah!

Once Stumpy heals I'll be able to get a table leg or something, strap it on, and get the hell out of here.

By the way, am I the only one who wondered if those trapped miners got straight pay or time and a half while they were in the mine.

How sick are you with political commercials? Are these lowlifes the best we have? And why do they spend many millions for a job that pays maybe $100 K?

It's been a rough week for me with my Yankees (sniff, whimper) losing embarassingly to Texas. A Rod gets like 27 mil per year. You'd think maybe he could get a couple hits? Well, it's not really his fault. Remember Babe Ruth visited a hospital and promised a sick kid that he would hit a homer for him? Well it seems that A Rod visited a sick kid, too. And he promised him a grounder to second.

I hope to get on the puter soon. In the meantime, Hey Kevin, call me.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Dumbererest

2010-10-12T14:38:00.003-04:00

As a people approach a level of stupidity never before seen in history, I wonder where the bottom will be. I got a box of jelly beans yesterday and it came with directions!

Anyone too stupid to eat jelly beans without directions deserves to starve.

Some good news. With some help, I can stand on my one gimpy leg for 30 seconds.
YAY! BFD!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Of nudity and clocks

2010-10-05T11:01:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I said clocks.

So, I roll into my room and see a big naked guy on the other bed. I understand my women readers may have been intrigued, along with 8-10 percent of the men, but I was perplexed.
It was my new room mate, a guy who assumed it was a clothing optional facility. In the brief time I saw him, I noticed he needed ironing.

The stupid computer won't let me leave comments, and there were plenty of smartass ones.

Some of youse may wonder how I am able to wake up at 3 a.m.

The facility has a young girl vigorously scrub my naughty bits. Works much better than an alarm clock. When I go home I'm sure Mrs C will discontinue this method.

My number is 908.222.5142

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Didja Know????

2010-09-28T12:04:00.002-04:00

In Cambridge, Massachusetts, parking tickets are issued with yoga instructions, the theory being illegal parking is an aggressive act, so yoga would make the parkers less so.

I would like to know if they if the shoving ticket up the parking commission's tookus is included.

And today on the news I saw kids are cursing at a younger age, some as young as 2.

Great, we'll have school age kids who can't read and write, but they can curse at a college level.

Somewhere on this internety thing there is a video with me and a bunch of senile citizens working out. I can't dance but my punch punch wiggle wiggle

Priceless.

I'll keep looking for youse.

No matter what you've heard, Wii bowling, without beer, is just as boring as real
bowling.

Thank you to the Queen and all her court for stopping by.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

I'm a Big Kid Now

2010-09-19T11:53:00.002-04:00

Been a while since I've typed to youse so I'll bring youse up to date.

As youse can tell, from the title, I've graduated to pull up diapers. Note to men: they are kind of bulky so they are great for speculation if you are into the bar scene.
I report to the butcher (surgeon) weekly, and one week he wants to chop again and the next he saya all is fine. Either way he "cleans it up" which is one extremely painful procedure.

Now I have an ethical question. Some of the old folks are up half the night raising a ruckus and interferring with my beauty sleep. And of course they sleep in their chair all day. So. when I see them dozing, I kick the chair to wake them. The pretty young nurse calls it mean, I call it tough love. What do youse say?

Quote of the month "Hey, I need that stuff."
Can you guess what the physical terrorists were doing to me, or where?

Did you hear about the bank robbers who tried to escape by driving through a car wash?

They wanted to make a clean getaway.

P.S. Kevin I lost your phone number. Please call me at 908.222.5142

Everyone else is welcome to call, too. Or else I'll kick your chair while you're sleeping.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

BORING LIFE

2010-08-15T10:42:00.002-04:00

Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday --

3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.

5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.

11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --

8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.

9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.

9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!

10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).

http://www.humorbloggers.com

POETRY

2010-08-12T22:18:00.003-04:00

So Mrs. "C" let me know that I hadn't written her a poem since "that big tree in the yard was a sapling."

This was weird because we are treeless, but we all have our delusional moments. Hell, I occasionally think I am the King of Portugal. Anyway, I gathered up all my romantic energy and came up with:

"I loved you then.
I love you today,
Even though your butt
Is now Ginormous."

It did bring tears to her eyes as she gently dabbed her peepers. She became so overwrought with emotion that she started punching me. This is common when one gets so overcome emotionally that they act inappropriately. Even to me, a patient with a healing stump!

Maybe I will try another, but get youse opinions first:

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
And you still
Have nice hooters!"

I bet she'll be pleased. Wimmin love a compliment...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

My Romantic History, So Far

2010-08-10T09:23:00.006-04:00

Don't worry, this isn't porn related, or anything shady, and no body part references where you have to close your eyes. It is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and yes, a bit pathetic. While I have titled it, "So Far...", it is most likely finished, but I do have to keep Mrs. "C" on her toes as she has checked out Nurse Juan. Her idea of Mr. Perfect.

It starts at the NY World's Fair 1961-65 when I was just a Young Crochety. You know the Fair with the big globe still sitting there in the background of the Mets games. If you went you probably have a picture of it with your aunt and uncle somewhere in your family photos.

What is important to note is that this is where I stopped in at the Philippines exhibit. Yes, now you know how I developed my life long attraction to Filipina nurses. It may also explain some of the issues I had with the overly affectionate Filipino mail nurse from many posts ago. Now I will have something else to chat about with my therapist, I guess *sigh*. Thought I was cured.

My first crush was a young asian girl (surprise). I tried to show I was interested by breaking off pieces of my eraser, trying to get them stuck in her hair.

Advice to any young lotharios: This pisses off your object of affection and usually gets detention. Choose another method.

The next young lady was a bit flirty with me so I was thinking about asking her out. Then she died. I refused to date dead chicks. While it is true they don't complain about the movie choice, they do attract flies at the drive-in.

After this audacious start, I started dating some cute little blond of viking descent. That should have been a BIG hint. A few weeks later I got a "Dear Joe" letter as she went off and joined the Marines.

Next was cute blonde 2.0. She asked me out. Few straight males would turn that down,. Most would have been cautious. Most men would have known they were being cheated on, not me.

Soon I met the first Mrs. "C". How would I sum up our marriage? KAPOW! ZAP!! BOFF!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!. Nuff said. So was this the end? Or would Crochety manage to find another terrible relationship?

Place your bets...

And the winner is...

Met a woman through the classifieds. Spoke for a few weeks on the phone. We found a mutually agreeable day to go to dinner. She then proceeded to eat more chinese food than a small group of sumo wrestlers while telling me about the great guy she met a few days before. With that you would think she'd offer to pay for part of the meal.

While going from flower to flower I joined a self-help group. Had a lot female members there so I stayed. Eventually an old friend of mine who was also a member brought a woman he had been casually dating. From the moment I set eyes on her I was smitten and have been ever since. Yep, I wooed her big time. What choice did she have other than to fall in love with me. I was a suave, debonair, stud muffin,and a prime piece of American beef on the hoof. AHHH, TRUE LOVE AT LAST.

Going strong for over 17 years, isn't this a happy ending "SO FAR"?

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Moving On...YAAAYYYY!

2010-08-07T14:41:00.003-04:00

How wonderful to be away from "Alarmy". Here I am in Room 223.

My new roommate is gone most of the day in his wheelchair, watching the world go by. And he is very quiet and reserved. Ahhh, peace.

Trying to figure out what I should have Mrs. "C" bring me for dinner. Thinking of Wendy's baked potato and chili...

Call me at 908-222-5142.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Food and Room Mates

2010-08-04T23:19:00.004-04:00

What kind of club am I in?

Last night's dinner was a junior turkey club sandwich. I only wish I had a camera. Description: 2 dry, possibly stale, slices of wheatish bread with 1 (sliced with a laser nearly on an atomic level) bit of turkey, a see-through slice of tomato (probably Roma) and a leaf of lettuce. This was the most pathetic sandwich this patient has ever seen.

Today's lunch was a few slices of fried eggplant and a side order of boiled cabbage...How can it be right for Italian to be paired with Irish? Well, let it be known, a new food service manager was hired so hopefully boiled cabbage will never again appear with eggplant.

I have never spoken of my "roomies." Of course, in the past I had Mr. Mopey, a great guy. He eventually got well, left and started dating the Pretty Young Nurse. Since then, I have shared a room with Old Yeller (he screamed 24/7), the Escapee (slept all day and spent the night trying to run away setting off alarms). Now I have Alarmy. He as a bed alarm for his safety. Setting it off constantly, 24/7, he gets up, thinks he is in the bathroom and proceeds to pee on the floor. He mixed it up a bit today and pooped on the floor.

Yep, good times here! They assure me I will be moved to a room tomorrow with a better mate...wonder what surprises he will hold...

I will post my new info as soon as possible.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Back In the Saddle Again

2010-07-26T13:59:00.003-04:00

Oh, I mean back in the big boy bed again at the sub-acute to heal and do PT...Room 228 and my new phone is 908-222-5152.

Not that the hospital wasn't a great place if one has been hit by a bus (or feels that way). The longer I hang out there, the worse it can be...I came back to rehab with various rashes and fungus' (fungi)?

I tried to have Mrs. "C" take a picture of Stumpy, but she said it is too gross, no one would want to see it. Youse guys should let me know that you all would love to see the damage, you do right?

Before I close, I wanted to wish belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my faithful reader, Tess.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

So Many Commercials, So Little Time

2010-07-19T20:19:00.003-04:00

As you know I watch a lot of TV and I like commercials. Sometimes though they confuse me.

For example, the ads for Cialis. In every one, the couples end up in separate bathtubs. Sometimes on the beach, sometimes in the woods.

This raises a question, "Where do the tubs come from?"

Now if I have to drop a pair of tubs around like that, well VIVA VIAGRA!

I have been here a week, the stump is debrided, the intravenous antibiotics are about finished, the hyperbaric therapy has started (the ear pain during the oxygen level changes is excruciating so they are putting in tubes so I can continue, of course...)

http://www.humorbloggers.com

...SIGH...

2010-07-16T18:35:00.004-04:00

Greetings from the Stardust Ballroom on the 5th floor in JFK Hospital in scenic downtown Edison, NJ...sigh...

Nope, actually it is the same boring room in various shades of beige and yellow that I always wind up in...sigh...

I guess you can tell I am a little bummed today.

Most of the nurses, pretty or not, treat my stump ("Stumpey" to close friends) like it was a day-old half-price pot roast at Stop & Shop; but my night nurse was so kind and gentle when she changed the dressing that I hardly screamed.

Adding insult to injury, no good drugs this time. Last time I had Morphine, opiate patches, Dilaudid and Oxycodin (party on!). I remember having some awesome hallucinations. My doctor realized it was too much when I kept trying to hang up the remote on the phone receiver after "talking" to my friend, Mr. Mopey. This time since I am not having major surgery, I can only have Percocet. Something like the "M & M'S" of pain drugs.

I passed the criteria qualifying me for my first hyperbaric treatment yesterday and it was weird. Today they cancelled it. So check the schedule if you want to see a near nekkid fat guy in a glass box and stop by!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

New Development

2010-07-14T09:51:00.004-04:00

Yesterday morning it was the usual stump check at the wound center...got there at 11:00. At noon, the doc decides that: Yes, the stump is infected and I will be admitted back into JFK Hospital to have intravenous antibiotics and debridement of the skin flap. I have to go under anesthesia for this since it will be quite painful. What a surprise. Hmmm, maybe we can be reacquainted with Mr. Morphine...

After a discussion of how we can save the knee, which I brought up, I asked for treatment in a hyper-baric chamber to promote the healing. This is now up for consideration.

Finally got into a room (5317, play this number)at 3:00. And since EVERYTHING here takes forever to be processed, I will probably be here for a while. My new phone is 732-321-7846.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Birthday USA!

2010-07-05T18:36:00.002-04:00

I hope youse all had a happy and safe 4th of July, surviving with all your fingers, arms, etc.

Holy Heat Wave, its hot! I am not allowed to take a shower because of the wound, but "necessity is the mother of invention." I grab a bar of soap and get uncomfortably close to another fat guy and lather up...I then spritz myself with deodorant. It takes but a few minutes and keeps me "fresh as a daisy."

Good news on the head case scene to share: My psychologist says I am making great progress on my phobias. She still has some work to do on my fear of baked chicken. I know, one day at a time.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Correction...

2010-06-21T19:25:00.002-04:00

In my new blog, regarding my afterthought...

In case you didn't figure it out, there should have been a period (.) after "Devils". And then a new sentence beginning with "A few years ago..." Makes more sense, no? Well, I am still healing....

http://www.humorbloggers.com

TIME OFF ?

2010-06-21T19:01:00.003-04:00

After the hellish year I've been through, I got to thinking.

Shouldn't I be allowed to date?

It seems pretty young nurse (pyn) has an unattached pretty young sister (pys)who is a reader. What would be the harm in going on a double date with "pyn", her beloved Mr. Mopey, "pys" and ME?

Geez, I am only talking pizza and a movie, not a weekend in an Atlantic City casino...shouldn't I be allowed to share my gimpy studliness?

Oh, by the way, John McLean was just hired as coach of the Devils a few years ago. We shared a moment at adjacent urinals. I'm pretty sure he peeked too.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Happy Fathers Day!

2010-06-20T07:03:00.001-04:00

Any male can be a "baby daddy."

It takes a MAN to be a DAD!

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THE DAM HAS BURST

2010-06-18T13:14:00.003-04:00

After losing a high stakes game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", the winning nurse that beat me with a "rock" over "paper" was awarded the "opportunity" to give the fat guy an enema. This wonderful nurse was ever so grateful a few minutes later when my colon, ever aware and dreading the enema ("You are going to take what? Fill it with cold water and put it where!?") began to "move."

It seems the evacuation system kicks into overdrive at the mere mention of an enema. I produced so prodigioiusly that when the aide emptied my diaper (What?! Youse still aren't wearing diapers despite all the advantages I've described in the past!?), she said "OH, my God, that is huge!" Now, normally men are quite proud when they hear a woman say that with their undergarments off, and I was mentally strutting...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

MIDNIGHT RIDE

2010-06-13T12:43:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everyone's good wishes or magic, most of my pain was gone on Friday evening. I had dialysis and was ready at 9 to be picked up and then I waited and waited and waited for the EMT's to bring me back to my sub-acute, Norwood Terrace.

Got back at midnight and was greeted by the nurse (the young, pretty one) who saved my life a few weeks before by insisting they take me to the hospital with my irregular heart beat. Didn't get my old room back, but it at least gives Mrs. "C" a new number to play in the lottery...231.

My gall bladder is inflammed so I can't eat what I want and I have a touch of pneumonia. Am I sounding like a hypcondriac or just and old broken down shell of a stud?

My new number is 908-222-5158. Don't be afraid, you can call me...

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Musical Rooms

2010-06-10T12:02:00.002-04:00

The hospital is changing my room almost daily.

My pain level has decreased, so I am off the morphine. Good thing. I was hallucinating so much that in addition to the body tremors, I was teaching classes! "Hey, don't forget that hall pass and yes, you can go to your gym class now"...very scary. Mrs. "C" was the non-compliant student.

They found an infection so it is back on the antibiotics. The bandages are off and I will soon be going back to a sub-acute. Can you believe it? I STILL CANNOT GO HOME!

They tried to get me up on my "good" leg. This is the one affected by the stroke. It was just too weak. Oh, that's right, I haven't been on it for at least 6 weeks.

I am sure that I have only survived all this because of your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Looking for Pain Management!

2010-06-06T08:51:00.002-04:00

They did a second surgery Friday at 2:30 pm to prepare the leg for a prosthesis. They started the flap just below the knee. When that heals (weeks or months) I will be fitted. I am figuring I will spend that time at home. WHAT?! ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR!

I have been in pain but not as much as now. The big toe is killing me...They have been trying and alternating pain meds. Nothing seems to work for too long. Mrs. "C" spent yesterday afternoon, but I slept most of the time hence the short, weird blog.

Heart rate has been stabilized and is responding to meds.

I slept through a round of morphine, so hopefully today will be a better one!

Thanks for the good thoughts!

http://www.humorbloggers.com

Call Me "Stumpy"

2010-05-29T21:25:00.002-04:00

Yeah, this Saturday morning they whacked my left foot off just above the ankle. I always look for the weird angle in every situation and what could be more weird than coming out of a major surgery with all the surgeons, nurses and staff singing to the radio playing "Raspberry Beret?"

For the next few weeks I will be selling my stylin' left shoes on Ebay...

The one thing I know for sure: From now on, for Halloween, I will be a peg-leg pirate! Anyone know where I can get a parrot cheap?

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts all this time...I am truly blessed.

http://www.humorbloggers.com