Thursday, February 08, 2007

Peeling Onions

(warning: this is a little deep, not my usual goofy insights. It scares me, and I somewhat know what I’m going to write.)
I was speaking to a friend recently, and he reminded me of a scene from Shrek. Shrek and Donkey were talking, and Shrek told him that Ogres were like onions.
Not that they stink, but that they have many layers. Such is a life. I don’t want to examine mine, but from time to time, I suppose it is a good thing to do.
I have major self-esteem issues. Remember that character Al Franken developed on Saturday Night Live, Stewart Smalley? He looked in the mirror and said, “I’m smart, enough, I’m good enough, and gosh darn it, people like me” or something like that.
I look in the mirror and think, “You stupid fat bastard, you’ve really made a mess of things haven’t you. Again. When the hell are you ever going to grow up? When are you going to get it together?” I’m into self-flagellation without the whips and chains. But this mental crap hurts as much. At times, I think getting my ass kicked may be better. At least it has a beginning and an end.
I hate having these bouts of depression, but not enough that I seek therapy, I guess. I don’t want to take any more pills. I already pop dozens per day for various ailments and diseases.
I try to surround myself with positive people, and that helps, but it seems that every so often, I get into one hell of a funk. I never consider suicide, but sure as hell wouldn’t mind if I die.
I don’t even know what brings these on. I can just be sitting there eating my PB&J, and all of a sudden—BANG!!! I’m overcome with emotion about some crap that happened years ago. I have taken every amateur shrink’s advice. I’ve forgiven everyone who ever hurt me, everyone who has even pissed me off. I watch hours of funny stuff on TV. I engage with people with great senses of humor. I still feel that yesterday was bad, today sucks and tomorrow doesn’t look to be my day either.
A good friend just sent me a note, and reminded me to look at the good things.
Maybe I’ll go find that song, “Always look on the Bright Side of Life” and listen to it a few times.
I know I sure can’t solve my problems today, but writing about them helps.
Thanks for listening, even if this crap just disappears in cyberspace. At least it’s not in my head for the time being.
12 step programs have writing and burning.
I have writing and posting.


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