Friday, July 11, 2008

The Great Naughty Bits Debacle

Warning: Graphic violence against rather sensitive parts of my body. If you are the squeamish type, pour a strong cup of coffee and read another blog. Perhaps even try to guess whose birthday is coming up in a day.

No, it's not mine. Mine is April Fool's Day. Stop pretending to be surprised by that.

Ok.

I have had many procedures done and some were rather simplistic, and a few were, for lack of a better term, invasive.

Photobucket

No, not that procedure from 2 years ago.

But the Great Naughty Bits Debacle took place a few years before "The Night I Spent in the JFK Hospital Restroom."

I was home, sitting in bed, and feeling rather poorly. What had been a minor scrape thisclosetomynaughtybits started to hurt. I checked around my naughty bits, and what had been a tiny scrape, was now a huge, rock hard burning, oozing hunk of me.

So, you have the setting.

Off to the hospital I went.

Doctor did some surgery. Bandaged me up, and then off to the post op. I eventually woke up.
And, of course, I'm wearing a diaper. Doesn't everyone?

WTF

So much gooey junk was oozing out, no bandage could keep up.

Photobucket

I always try to find the bright side, and, well, at least some cute nurses will be changing my diaper.

Woohoo. I recall having similar dreams when I was younger. I was already drafting my letter to a men's magazine:

Dear Editor, I never imagined this would ever happen to me, but...

but my nurse came in

Photobucket

The letter never got written.

I was looking forward to nursing care from Tiffany and Amber, I got Tim and Dave.

It gets worse.

Tim was rather gentle, bordering on affectionate. On the rare shifts that Tim wasn't around, basically, the nurse on duty would just come in, rip off the old diaper, and slap on a new one. Tim, oh, he was really into his job. My naughty bits were gently cleaned, powdered, shifted around, positioned in the diaper, repositioned, and finally tucked away.

I left the hospital, and had to go to rehab for a few weeks. The rehab facility was a mess. Huge staff turnover, which meant, as part of their training, new staff was taken to observe unusual patients. I had a parade of personnel coming in to see my diseased and diapered naughty bits.

It got to the point that when I heard a knock on the door, I would just whip off my diaper, and show my naughty bits. This was fine, but I did get a "talking to" after scaring, and probably scarring for life, the young lady who simply wanted to know if I wanted the meatloaf for dinner.

Future posts: Doctors I've tried to punch
Pictures credit: Rubba, at least the good ones were done by him.


Humor-Blogs.com

44 comments:

Drowsey Monkey said...

lol ... men. You & your bits.

dani said...

Sadly, I believe that was the same man that trained me in the hospital.

Bikran said...

intresting writing love to read it thank you for visiting my blog

Da Old Man said...

@ Drowsey: They do tend to have a life if their own, don't they?

@ Dani: He does get around.

@ Bikran: Thanks for stopping by.

Rubba said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rubba said...

WHY WHY WHY???. . .lol

Why, of all pics, you decide to give me credit for the GMN pics ???. . . (NTTAWWT)

I'll never live this down. . . lol

I can see it now. . .

Be walkin' down the street and all I'll hear is "Hey, you're the dude that Photoshopped those GMN pics for COMYAC's Blog". . .

When I turn 35 and run for president, rather than focusing on the issues I'll have to deal with the GMN Pics questions/accusations. . lol

OH THE HUGE MANATEE. . .lol

Da Old Man said...

@ Rubba: This is your legacy. A part of your permanent record.

Jenn Thorson said...

So is your case documented somewhere for newbie doctors to study? I bet your famous somewhere in the annals of the AMA journal...

I bet...

I do... )

Claire said...

haha!

Just how naughty are your bits? and how exactly where they injured in the first place?

After this story, I will have to up my game in regards to the mumborg stories, the taking the piss story has nothing on this!

Rubba did a great job with the pictures, just happened to have them in his own little private collection?

Wendy said...

Hahahaha What a way to start my morning the screen almost wore my coffee.

Nice nurse though if you are a female LOL

Da Old Man said...

@ Jenn: I hope not. BTW, I had a room right in front of a huge window on a courtyard. I did offer to sit in the window, so everyone in the center could just amble by and see the new guy.

@ Claire: Rubba is a photoshopping master. I'm afraid to see what he has in his private collection.

Da Old Man said...

@ Wendy: As the diaperee, I wasn't so thrilled about it. lol

Rubba said...

Now why ya gotta go and leave the "MASTER_______" door open like dat?. . lol. . .

Claire said...

Ah I see you sidestepped my questions and threw down rubba as a sacrificial lamb.

I can only guess that you injured the naughty bits pole vaulting away from a naked mud wrestling competition?

Da Old Man said...

@ Claire: Humina, humina, humina

Claire said...

Are you using humina humina humina in the sexually aroused way or in the lost for words way or both?

hehe :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Claire: In the Ralph Kramden "Oh boy, how do I get out of this" way.

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

Ouch! Sorry to hear about that experience... I have a friend who had a hernia on his naughty bits and I remember what he went through, so I can just imagine how you must have felt! Even if it does make for a hilarious blog post :-P

Claire said...

You can't get out of it :)

I am tenacious, with voodoo powers.

(or just mad)

:)

Da Old Man said...

@ Shadow: The things I have gone through just for my gentle readers.

@ Claire: It was just the normal, run of the mill, naughty bits injury.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

Wow! That story makes my eyes water. . . as I giggle and snort! So I guess monkey butt is like a walk in the park after that. Did the old lady provide any sympathy or just point and laugh?

Bridget @ GetSmartWomen.com said...

lmao...great stuff!! So did you get Tim's number-you know just in case it flares up again. ;)

Skip DeKades said...

This one solidifies you as one of my favorite blogs. I've added you to my blogroll. Thanks for the laughs.

The Offended Blogger said...

Heh. I will never look at meatloaf the same again. :)

Did your naughty bits heal up nicely?

Da Old Man said...

@ Sandy: A lot of pointing and laughing.

@ Bridget: Now, I'm an optimist. I hope to never see Tim again.

@ Skip: Thanks

@ Offended: That may be partly why I became a vegetarian.

bchbear said...

I like the nurse pics, specially the second one.

Wait, was that out loud
:)

Claire said...

Pole vaulting it is then :)

Brent Diggs said...

I t is hard to say who was more traumatized, you or the staff.

Extra points for mutual traumatization.

Da Old Man said...

@ BchBear: Your secret's safe with us.

@ Claire: You are a tenacious lady. :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Brent: LOL at mutual traumitization.

Claire said...

Heh :)

I may even doodle it.

Da Old Man said...

@ Claire: Yikes!!!

Play Free Games said...

I love the way you use the english language.

Da Old Man said...

@ Play-free: Thanks

Jay said...

LOL! Most amusing - I would say 'I can see it all now .. ' but thankfully, I can't.

So. How exactly did you injure the 'thisclosetoyournaughtybits' then?

I'm waiting ...

Da Old Man said...

@ Jay: Just your normal, run of the mill, naughty bits injury.

Jay said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!!

The mind boggles!!

Barry said...

Now THAT is funny!

Da Old Man said...

@ Jay and Barry: It wasn't really funny at the time, though. I've had dates that didn't go as well as Tim's diapering.

eve cleveland said...

Old Man...
Wait, That is Christopher Lowell right? Baby, he is a miracle worker, I can't wait to see what he done with the place.
Eve

QuirkyLoon said...

Rehab for naughty bits? Things that make you go hmmm.

Venom said...

That must've been hard to take.

I am just soft hearted enough to show concern.

;-)

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