Caption Winners Announced

Very close contest this week with unusual scoring. It seems the judges really liked some captions, and for the first time, few multiple points scorers. It's almost like the judges all liked the same captions, just in different orders. The first place votes were divided between Rubba, Carrie, Matt and Jenn. Multiple points were also scored by the Hawg and Chat.



"Bottoms up!"

was submitted by Jenn.

Carrie's poem earned second place and was noted for its creativity by the judges

Matt scored third place while Rubba received the "Could he possibly come up with any more captions?" award.


Judy from http://www.morethansewso.com/ gave me the



Her blog is full of information including but not limited to sewing tips, sewing machine maintenance, and plenty of mixed bag items to keep a manly man like myself interested. The best part of entrecard is I come across some really well written blogs. This is one of them. Thanks Judy for stopping by and the award.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Land: 2,166,086 sq km (410,449 sq km ice-free, 1,755,637 sq km ice-covered)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

How New Jersey Are You?

I found this quiz and was disappointed I'm only 88% New Jersey. It may have been the following questions: I used to work in a gas station, so I know how to pump gas and I've never been to Midgetville, and have no idea what color the Empire State Building was this week)

http://www.gotoquiz.com/how_new_jersey_are_you

You Are 88% New Jersey!

Wow, you're totally Jersey. There's no doubt about it. Congratulations, and always be proud to be Jersey--it's a great thing to be!

How New Jersey Are You?
Take More Quizzes

If you were a winner of my chocolate giveaway and haven't contacted me yet, please do ASAP. Use the email address on the sidebar. Thank you.

Sorry if it looks like I phoned it in, but the roofers were back again, and interrupted my nap.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Natural Resources: fish, seals, whales

http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Votes are still being graciously accepted at Humorbloggers

Caption This

Win 500 entrecard points and a special listing




Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Population 57,564 (less than half the size of my small town)

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Voting is still open

Just some news you can use

Getting right to the winners from the Chocolate Covered Contest:

Jenn
Etta
Kritta
Tahtimbo
Reforming Geek
Eve

And don't forget today, from 2 to 6 Taco Bell is giving away a free taco because of some World Series promotion. A base was stolen in the first game, so everyone in America gets to steal a taco, or something like that. Kind of a strange promotion. You'd think it would be based on a home run or something. But the Yankees have a worse promotion during the year.
First you have to enter, and they have to pull your ticket. They do 1 per game. Right off, the odds aren't that good. Then, in order to win, the Yankees fourth hitter in that particular inning, has to hit a grand slam. And the prize isn't even that good, it's 10 grand. They have had this promotion for a few years, and I've never heard of anyone winning.

This is going to be an especially short post.

My schedule is off . I couldn't take my nap because they are putting on a new roof. Apparently, explosives were being used to get off the old roofing material, and this
is being used to install the new one. Are the walls supposed to shake like that?

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Land Use
arable land: 0%
permanent crops: 0%
other: 100%

www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 4

Before anything else, I want to announce the best post to date and one of the Sunday winners:
http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/2008/10/has-someone-seen-my-dignity.html

One of my absolute favorite bloggers, and one of the funniest, dedicated a hilarious post to the contest. How could I not make her a winner?

And before I announce the other lucky winners, an important chocolate fact. Did you ever get that white looking stuff on a chocolate bar?

And here is the answer to that age old question, "What is this white crap on my candy bar?"

The whitish discoloration is called "fat bloom," which occurs when cocoa butter separates from the crystallized chocolate mixture and comes to the surface, says Dr. Barbara Struempler, an Extension nutritionist with the Alabama Cooperative Extension System.

It is perfectly safe and has no taste. According to the Ghiradelli site it happens when chocolate, during shipping or otherwise, is exposed to low temperatures.

That's why I'm having the contest now. In the summer it melts, and in winter it gets that white stuff. Oy.

Now on to the other 2 winners.

Janna--because I am a sucker for a list of 10 things. Yeah, I don't get out much.
Shadow--because she is helping promote my blog so uniquely. I know she lives up by the North Pole, and chocolate is a form of currency up there, so I am sure she will enjoy it.

Today, Monday, is the last day, so I'll have a few extra winners to spread the chocolate love.

That didn't sound right.

In order to capture the crown Jewel of Blogger Risk, Greenland, I have now introduced my official blog's 100% True (you can look it up)
Weird Greenland Fact of the Day
It's only Official National Holiday is:
June 21 (longest day)

They really love Greenland at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
If you haven't voted for me yet, you still have time. No need to register.

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 3

The celebration continues.



And what, you may wonder, am I celebrating?

My goal is 1 million visitors. I expect to hit 25,000 in the next day or so. And that is nearly one quarter of the way. Ok, one quarter of one tenth, which is half way there.

Fuzzy math aside, I really am pretty happy. Today, I acquired the domain crotchety old man.com. Last year I tried to buy it, and had no luck. So, whether the previous owner died or just got tired of a domain name he never used, I don't know. I just know it's mine. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but it makes me happy.

That and I'm in an all out effort to attract bloggers from Greenland. A few of my blogger buddies, Tiggy, Humorsmith, and the Offended Blogger have decided that it is important to have readers from there. Sounds good to me. That, and I'd like to have Miley Cyrus read my blog. No particular reason. I'm sure I couldn't pick Miley out of a lineup of teenage girls. But, she's pretty popular, and if she starts reading my blog, maybe she'll give me a shout out at whatever it is she does. And what do Greenlanders and teenagers have in common? A love of chocolate.

It's called marketing, people. So, this contest is all about Greenland and Miley Cyrus. That, and a way to thank some of my loyal readers, and maybe get a few new ones. Who says I'm not a super genius?



Oh, yesterday, I chose 3 winners:

AngieSS
Lauren
Chat Blanc

Just send me an email (the address is on the side) and a bag of candy will be on its way as soon as the Spawn gets her tuchas to the post office.

Today, I'll choose 3 more. You may notice the winners were persistent and funny. That's a hint. Lauren put a link to my contest in a post. She won. The other day, Chica put a link in a post and she won. Chat put a link in a post, and she won. Seems to be a pattern.





Oompa Loompas do all the heavy lifting at:
www.humorbloggers.com
And you still can vote for me. No need to register, just click on my name.

Crotchety's Chocolate Covered Contest Day 2

Day 1 winners

Chica X
Jamie
Dad the Dude

Here are some important facts about chocolate. I read them on the internet, so they must be true.

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Now, for some serious facts:

Dark Chocolate Lowers Blood Pressure
According to The Journal of the American Medical Association.
Antioxidants in Dark Chocolate
Dark chocolate is a potent antioxidant, report Mauro Serafini, PhD, of Italy's National Institute for Food and Nutrition Research in Rome, and colleagues. …Antioxidants gobble up free radicals, destructive molecules that are implicated in heart disease and other ailments.

I did noice the bags are different weights. Oy vey. So much for standardization.

You'll still like it. Dove chocolate is good stuff.

And you'll notice Friday's winners all were nice to me, or made me laugh. That's called a clue. Still plenty of chocolate left.



Chocolate covered votes are still appreciated at:
www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety's Collosal Chocolate Candy Contest

Got a lot to cover here, but it will be worth it.

First some old business: The winner of caption this
Ever since he told Luke that he was his father, Darth Vader had to sell everything to cover the back child support...



and the winner of the Zucchini Award



is: Tahtimbo, who also receives 1000 entrecard credits.

First place votes went to Tahtimbo, Fishhawk, Matt, Gumby, and Dad the Dude. Multiple points were scored by Jenn, MA Fat Woman, Matt, Kiki, Chat Blanc, Shaxx, Lauren, and the Hawg

second place was Fishhawk, and Gumby came in third. Thank you to everyone who participated.

The ceremiony was cut a little short because today is the first day of a huge contest with real prizes.

Crotchety's Collosal Chocolate Candy Contest

I am giving away a few bags a day for 4 days of



This contest is very easy to win. All you need to do is leave a comment on the post of the day to get one chance to win that day. Please be aware, that if you win, you will need to send me your name and address because you will receive a 9 oz bag of Dove chocolate candy, and the post office generally prefers a name and address. I have a nice mix of milk chocolate and dark chocolate, some bags with almonds and some not. I'll offer choice as long as I can. I highly recommend the dark as it is very flavorful and loaded with anti-oxidents. It is nearly a vegetable. By the way, I will dump your address as soon as the contest is over. Don't worry about me stalking you. I once decided to stalk

Closest I got was I left a message on her website, and had ice cream at the shop where she had some vanilla ice cream 20 years ago. I'm a really bad stalker. That plus I try to never leave my house as I have had run ins with nature, and so I have a fear of turkeys, deer, monkeys, and turtles. From what I understand such nature as lions, gorillas, tigers, and hippopotomuses roam around outside, and I really would prefer to not have to encounter them.

And, extra chances can be earned simply by helping me out. Put a link in a post, and let me know you did, and I'll throw an extra chance in the hat for that day. If you put a funny picture of chocolate in the post, that is worth another one.

And if you say something nice in the comments, or make me laugh that's worth extra. For example, "Just give me some candy, you old fart" would earn a chance, but "My, have you been taking extra handsome pills lately, Mr. Crotchety?" would get lots of extra chances.

And lastly, anyone announcing they came here from a blog with a link to me gets extra chances for both of you.

I will post a chocolate related post on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so leave a comment when you can. The more comments, the better your chances.

Notice I didn't ask you to subscribe, but that would be nice. You won't get anything for that other than the good karma that comes from making me happy. Which, of course, is priceless.

And I can only assume you have already voted for me at humorbloggers. If, for some reason, you haven't, you have that opportunity right now. Nothing to join, just click down there and find my name, and vote for me.

The jokes are chocolate covered at
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I got nothing

I'm just too excited about the super sized contest that I'm starting tomorrow. I'm just going to give all my regulars a heads up: it involves chocolate. Good chocolate. And, of course, tomorrow will be the weekly announcement of the "Caption This" contest winner. Make sure you stop by tomorrow, as the more days you enter, the better chance that you will win a major award. Complete details will be posted. Trust me it will be easy and fun.

"It's a major award"

My humorblogger buddy the Dude http://dadthedude.blogspot.com/ (no relation to The Dude in the movie The Big Lebowski) asked me about the caption contest and wanted to know the patented scientific method I use to pick the winner.

I've explained it in the past, but for some of my new readers, I'll run it down quickly. Mrs. Crotchety, the Spawn, Rubba, and 5 of my friends (2 named Donna) from www.nedthetoothpick.com review all the captions and vote, each picking a first second and third place choice. (If Rubba enters, he doesn't vote for himself) I assign point values and then total them up. Obviously, a first place vote is worth more than a 3rd place one. Whoever has the most points wins. I don't vote at all.

And just a shout out to my buddy ettarose at : http://ettarose-edgeofsanity.blogspot.com/

They can't wait for my contest at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

If you haven't voted for me yet, please do. Thanks.

Caption this

Caption this for fabulous prizes!!!



They love to caption pictures at:

www.humorbloggers.com

Don't forget to vote for me while at humorbloggers

Two for Tuesday plus

I like to highlight some of the blogs that I really like on Tuesdays. Well, I like them every day, but ya know what I mean. I try to select blogs that are new to me, or at least ones that I've only been following for a short time.

One of these is Debbie Does Drivel http://debbiedoesdrivel.blogspot.com/

Her description from the blog itself: Warped world requires a warped blog. End of story.

That pretty much sums it up. She is a member of the Humorbloggers.com World Wide Cartel, and is very funny. Give her blog a look, and I think you'll enjoy it.

The second one is written by a regular visitor here, The Hawg http://naturalhawg.blogspot.com/

Trying to describe his blog is like nailing jell-o to a tree. Just off the top of my head, some of my favorite posts from him were about cats, dogs, the Waffle House, Jeff Foxworthy, politics, football, music, kids, humor, lawyers and that's just a start. The guy is brilliant and funny. He used to be a lawyer, but don't hold that against him. And he is one of the leaders of the All Arkie Army. He was good enough to allow me to join even though I reside in NJ, and the only connection I have to Arkansas is I read his blog and some of those from other Arkie Army regulars. He's that kind of inclusive and welcoming guy. I think you'll enjoy his blog as much as I do.

Also, the blog received a few more awards and honors this week.

Tahtimbo (one of my daily reads as he covers health, recipes, humor, and so much more) at http://mrmomsunite.blogspot.com/

shared the



Uber (synonym to Super) Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:
~ inspires you
~ makes you smile and laugh
~ or maybe gives amazing information
~ a great read
~ has an amazing design
~ and any other reasons you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

and I was tagged by Hammy at the Blah Blahs and the Yada Yadas http://www.hamishjoy.com/
He is a humorblogger that I think you'll like, too.

And Angie, Queen of Snarky at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ also tagged me. You already know how hilarious she is, but should probably stop by and see her list of 7 things.

I have to list 7 fascinating things about myself, and frankly, I've made so many lists in the last few months, that nothing is fascinating about me, and I'd put everyone to sleep that isn't already.

According to my calculations, I have to tag or award somewhere in the neighborhood of, oh, I don't know, everybody on the internet.

I truly appreciate the acknowledgement, and I hope my award givers and taggers understand that I love getting them, but have trouble passing them out.

Youse already know all my favorite blogs are listed at the side, and I even have about 20 more that I visit every day because I really like them.

It looks like I gave you 4 blogs this week. That's fine, because you can't go wrong with any of them.

And don't forget--------
You still have time to vote for your old pal Crotchety at:

http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Original home of the Two for Tuesday

Some things are just wrong

And, of course,

William Shatner singing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmTsTeT19Bo

They have a solid moral compass at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
While at Humorbloggers, you can do the right thing and vote for me.

Happy Sunday Morning

I just got tagged by Eve at

http://www.thatsfunnybecause.blogspot.com/

She writes one of the funniest blogs around. This Southern belle, who thinks she may have been one of my ex-wives (it's possible as I have a lot of fuzzy memories of late nights at Denny's) wants me to list 7 things about me that youse don't already know.

Hmmm. That's pretty tough since I'm kind of an open book, but here goes. I know it's sad, but these are all true

1. I lost the county spelling bee when I was in 8th grade because of a technicality. I retraced without asking. The word was effident. I still don't know what it means, but I sure as heck can spell it without retracing now.


2. While I advocate for the elimination of our drug policy, I have never used illegal drugs.

3. The last time I voted for a Presidential candidate from a major party was 1980. I usually vote Libertarian, or write in the name of a friend of mine.

4. The coolest person I ever met was Jean Shepherd. He autographed my book, "Excelsior, Dad" but I lost the book in a move a few years ago.

5. I used to teach a sex ed and drug class in an alternative school setting. Many of my "students" were parents and drug dealers.

6. Due to skin grafts, I now have hair growing in places it shouldn't be growing.

7. According to geneolgy tracing my cousin did, my family comes from a regal line. Unfortunately, they were disgraced and run out of the country.

Now, I'm supposed to annoy tag (7, 70, 700, 7000?) a bunch of others, but I don't do that simply because I'm such a lame ass maverick. Anyone who wishes to participate is welcome to, just let me know, so I am sure to read it and laugh at your expense with you.

You'll laugh at least 7 times at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Saturday Morning Post

Did you ever have one of those weeks? You know the kind where it just kind of drags, and then all of a sudden, it's the weekend? I just had one of those. It was perpetually Tuesday, and then all of a sudden---BAM---welcome to Saturday morning.

I like Saturdays for a lot of reasons. First, I get to sleep later. Which is good because I usually can't fall asleep until after 2. I usually wake up in time to watch Showbiz India, because I am kind of obsessed with Bollywood movies. I have Shakalaka Boom Boom sitting right here for viewing this weekend.

I probably should take drugs or alcohol or something for my sleep problems. I need to do some research to see what is the best beverage to make me sleepy, and am open to suggestions, and warm milk doesn't do it for me. I'll be busy hoarking up stuff for hours. Beer makes me go to the bathroom, and I'm not a big fan of wine.

The other reason I like Saturdays is grilled soy cheese sandwiches. The Crotchety Old Lady usually makes me grilled soy cheese sandwiches on Saturdays, so that kind of makes me happy. But she may be going out for the day, so that will kind of mess up my grilled soy cheese schedule. I guess she'll make it Sunday, but that throws my whole week off. Am I the only one who wonders about things like this? Doesn't everyone face the grilled soy cheese conundrum?

Oh well. But the good news is our marshmallow delivery came in Friday, so I'll be on a sugar induced frenzy this weekend, alternated with a near diabetic coma. Yeah, I live on the edge.

If you want to know more about my marshmallow experience so far, you can always check this out:

http://thejoyoftoast.blogspot.com/2008/10/mmmmmmarshmallows.html

Don't forget to vote for me at:

www.humorbloggers.com

Caption This Winner Announced

In what was the most controversial vote ever, the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship worked and deliberated to come up with a winner.

First place votes went to MA Fat Woman, Tahtimbo, Mike, and Bradley. Multiple points were also amassed by Humorsmith, Janna, Matt, Chat, Drew, Rubba, Gumby, and Dani.

But the winner, and the recipient of the Zucchini Award and 1000 entrecard credits



Middle Aged Fat Woman

Damn thongs!! Pull it out, will ya?

Second place (and a really popular caption with some judges)

went to Tahtimbo, and 3rd place was Mike.

Thank you to everyone as we had 37 captions this week. I have to really find something bizarre , weird mentally stimulating next week.

I am working on a huge contest in the next week or thereabouts, so make sure you keep checking in. It will involve chocolate and perhaps a new car. (ed. note: Absolutely no way is Crotchety giving away a new car. There will be chocolate, though. Good chocolate, not that crappy Hershey's stuff.)

And when you go to Humorbloggers, be sure to vote for your old pal, Crotchety.

They have zucchini recipes at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I'm Pretty Bored

So, I decided to check out some of the nicknames for college sports teams.

My local university has the Scarlet Knights, and my university was the Cougars. So far, so good. A group of chivalrous men of the realm, and a vicious jungle cat.





But other schools are not so lucky.

Take the University of California (Santa Cruz) home of

Banana Slugs

Evergreen State College, the home of the Geoducks

Mascot

Yes, they have a sports team named after a clam that looks like it starred in a porn movie. And you thought clown porn was disgusting.

And what must be the worst of all is the The Rhode Island School of Design Nads.

I swear I'm not making this up. You will have to google the picture of the team mascot, "Scrotie," yourself because this blog is rated PG. You are welcome to become an athletic supporter and cheer them on as the student body yells "GO NADS."


They have really strange mascots at:
www.humorbloggers.com
And please vote for me while you are there. Thanks.

Caption this

www.humorbloggers.com

Two for Tuesday

It's time to let you know about two of my regular reads. These are a little more edgy than the average humor blog.

I'd first like you to check out Jamie at My Suburban Can Run Over Your Minivan...and Will. http://jamieandtnt.blogspot.com/ OK, it's a lot more edgy than I usually recommend, but it is funny, which is what it's all about.

Next is the Queen of Snark (snarky, snarkiness?) Angie SS at Cup of Snarky. To be more accurate, it's more like a really large steaming bowl of snarky. http://www.cupofsnarky.com/

From her profile: Do you care that you might offend someone? Hmm…let me think. Um, nope, can’t say that I care at all. I mean, this is my life, my blog, my tiny space in this big, crazy world, so if you are easily offended, I would suggest you run, not walk, run far, far away from here!!

I hope you get a chance to check out these blogs.

Tomorrow is the nearly famous Caption This, so stop back

Find more cutting edge humor at:
www.humorbloggers.com

And don't forget to vote for me when you are at Humorbloggers. Thanks

It's Carnival Time

I previously posted my reasons for avoiding Digg. So, now what?

I currently devote my time to a fairly new social network. You may have noticed that I've been pimping Humorbloggers, and that's because they have been giving me what I need in a social network. We work together for the good of the group, and for each other. That may sound like a social experiment such as Cuba, or Russia.

Instead, think of us like the 3 Musketeers,

Not that kind

only there is a bunch of us. Or a gaggle of humorbloggers adrift on a raft. We all want to get to shore, but if we don't, the survivors will have some really funny stories to tell.

Other than the humorblogger of the year contest (vote for me, please ) we don't have the silly competition that usually accompanies these sites. It is open to anyone, whether a humorblogger, one who reads humor blogs, or just someone who likes to join things.

One last note: Visit Ettarose at http://ettarose-edgeofsanity.blogspot.com/ She is hosting a Humor Blog Carnival. Rather than search the internet for the best humor blogs, just go there today, and you'll find a list of the best of the best, all on a theme. I'll let you go and discover the theme for yourself because I forgot what it is, even though I submitted one it is more fun to be surprised.




Note: Look below for the reasons I'm dumping Digg.

It's always a carnival of comedy at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com

Digg, Dugg, Done

While I've been blogging for quite a while, I only discovered Social Networking sites for bloggers much more recently. I know some of the ins and outs of social sites. For example, I've been posting to chatboards like Ebay's Soapbox and various chats there since the late 1990's. I've been a member of http://www.nedthetoothpick.com/ site since the beginning (close to 3 years) and had a MySpace page for 2. I'm friggin social.

The first blogger social site I ever joined was BlogCatalog. I met lots of wonderful bloggers there, and have made some very good friends. Then, I joined Digg, which is another site, and one that is very well known.

I spent a lot of time Digging original articles, funny pictures, videos and who knows what else. Yes, it took a lot of effort, but it was worth it for a few reasons. First, it helped me as I developed a network of "friends" and "fans," most of whom helped me get exposure for my blog while I helped them. And secondly, it introduced me to many new blogs and ideas. Talk about win-win.

But a few weeks or so ago, Digg threw out a bunch of my friends. They claim (and I'm not going to get into specifics because I don't fully understand, nor care to learn) that my friends cheated.

And I mean this from the bottom of my fat encrusted heart



Were my friends too social? Were they too active and being too helpful? Did they do too much to help others succeed?

From the little I can understand, they used a tool so that they were more efficient. They then were dumped without warning. Ok, I suppose I can almost understand that. Digg has TOS, don't follow them, and you're gone. Little tough considering it's not as if they were stealing or doing anything illegal by real world standards. But then, in a move bordering on crazy, Digg suspended members who just knew the Diggers who were previously suspended.

I have since nearly stopped participating. I've done nothing wrong, I'm neither suspended, nor even warned.

I just don't want to play any more.

I've done 2 shouts in the last 2 weeks, and have only submitted one thing. I suppose I could just go and unfriend everyone, but I'm a lazy guy. I still Digg a couple shouts a day sent to me, and those are only from some bloggers I consider friends, not "Digg Friends."

For now, I've pretty much Done Dugg my last at Digg.

Note: Look below for the humor post from today.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Bedtime for Bonzo

I recently read Jenn from Cabbages made a list of all the family rules, some spoken, some unspoken. It was all part of the Humorbloggers Carnival. I'll have more info on that tomorrow.

Anyway, it triggered some memories that I had managed to repress for so long. Thanks, Jenn.

Anyway, the first painful memory concerned my bedtime back when I was only a Little Crotchety. See, my parents had decided that rather than engage in the battle of making me go to sleep, they would assign this duty to Clowny. Yes, that's right, a TV clown--no wait, a TV clown puppet--announced that it was time for bed. At the end of TERRY-TOON CIRCUS on WOR Channel 9 in the greater NY area, Clowny, announced that it was time to go to bed. And if I protested, it was met with, "But Clowny said it's bed time."

Go to Bed, ya little bastages

Just imagine for a minute my emotional trauma. TV, the single most important thing in my life, using a program, my favorite one, hosted by my favorite puppet clown, had given me a direct order. What terrible forces in the universe would I have unleashed if I didn't go to sleep then? So, I trundled off to bed, ignoring that it was still light out, and Mary Santalucia next door was still out on her swings.

Eventually, Clowny went off the air, so I could have a bedtime freed from bossy puppet clowns.

But it was not to be. Right around this time, I got a dog named Skippy. Skippy was a great little, albeit excitable, dog. This pooch, a part terrier, part cocker spaniel, had some weird bathroom habits. Skippy piddled when he was happy, he piddled when he was sad, when he got scared (which was pretty damned often and quite unusual for a terrier) and sometimes, I believe, just when he was bored.

So, guess what happened? During my teen years, my bed time was determined by, of all things, Skippy the dog. I swear I'm not making this up.

Around 10 or so, this dog would sidle up to me where I sat on the couch, and stare at me. He would then run like a maniac down the hall, sort of to entice me to follow him so he could go to sleep for the night. If I ignored him, he continued the behavior until finally, the parental units would tel me to go to bed for the sake of the poor, exhausted dog. Bear in mind that the mutt spent 87% of his day napping, and the rest eating and peeing. Apparently, he decided that his job was to tell me when to go to bed. That right, I was being bossed around by a 20 pound mutt with a weak bladder, and the parental units sided with him.

And you wonder why I have issues.

The birthday extravaganza weekend continues as today is the birthday of a friend of the blog, uber doodler Claire from http://crpitt.blogspot.com/ Best wishes, my friend.



And finally, don't forget to vote for your old pal Crotchety at Humorbloggers. Haven't I suffered enough?

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy Birthday Rubba and the Spawn

Today, plenty of birthday wishes to go around. No, not mine. Obviously, mine is April Fools Day, which I'm sure surprises no one.

But as youse have figured it out by now, today is Rubba's birthday. You all know Rubba as the official Photoshop master of this blog, and the world's second greatest photo captioner. More on that in a bit.

It's also the birthday of the Spawn, who turns 24 today. They grow so fast. Taking a minute for quiet reflection................................Ok, Party on




Please, have a bit of cake while you read the rest of today's post.



And I think I found the "October Surprise!!!"

A last minute contender in the race for the White House.

Friend of the blog, head "Caption This" judge (which means he has executive experience) and all around reach around fan good guy Bchbear has thrown his paw into the ring. Obviously, you know who I am supporting.



Next on the agenda
I recently won a Caption This at http://dadthedude.blogspot.com/ which is great. You may know the Dude, he's a regular captioning expert at this blog, and has taken home the trophy in the past. I was presented with this



Oh yeah. A freakin' billboard! That man knows how to give an award.

And lastly, you only have a little over 2 months to stop by and vote in the second longest election in history. When you visit, vote for your pal, Crotchety. A chicken in every pot, yadda, yadda, yadda.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It was soooo close, and the winner is

The staff at Crotchety Old Man International World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship really had their work cut out for them this week. So many great captions, and for the first time in the last few weeks it was unbelievably close. I like that, it makes the staff work harder and there are few things I like more than watching others work hard. First place votes were received by Carrie, JD, Lauren, Fly, Rubba, and Dad the Dude.

Paul, Matt, Kate, Panda, Eve, and Sensei also scored multiple points.

But the winner was a newcomer to our contest "Candid Carrie"


Does this gun make my ass look fat?

She wins the prestigious Zucchini Award, and 1000 entrecard credits.



Second place went to Dad the Dude, and third place was JD. Second and third was unbelievably close, and Lauren was just behind them. Congratulations to the winners.

And speaking of recognition, this blog was awarded the


by Patricia at Subjective Soup. http://subjectivesoup.blogspot.com/

By now, everyone knows I never follow the rules for these things. But I always like to get them and use them to recognize some of the many bloggers I read faithfuly. And I always give the awards with no expectations. The awardee is welcome to use it to recognize up to 8,749 other blogs, but usually most choose no more than 5.

I'd like to pick Plain Ole Mike. This blogger can tell a story with humor. http://plainolemike.blogspot.com/

Secondly (lastly,) I'd like to award it to the Jannaverse. http://jannaverse.blogspot.com/

This blogger consistently cracks me up. Her sense of humor? Offbeat is probably the best description. I think youse will like it.

And let me close this fabulous awards ceremony with a song an appeal for your vote to make me humorblogger of the year. Just click on the link below, look for my name (Crotchety Old Man) and give a quick click. No salesman will call. Nothing further, no obligation. Nothing to buy. You're done. That's it. Shamwow. Easy as pie. And it helps stop global warming. Or global cooling.

The voting booth is open at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Health Alert

I'm watching TV (as per usual) and suddenly, a promo for the news comes on "Tune in at 11 to find out which foods are making you fat!!!"

Ok, seriously, is there anyone left in the USA who has no idea that

This

is not a healthy choice for most people? As much as in denial that I am (and believe me I'm in deep) I know my physique

Crotchety's Stunt Double

did not come from eating salads and vegetables. Well, ok, partly, but the vegetables were deep fried and battered, and generously covered with cheese, but you know what I mean.

Quickly, Google "diets," and you will find tens of millions of entries. What has the news found out that the 94,000,031 sites on Google don't know? I refused to tune in. The last time I was suckered in by one of the promos, they announced that the best way to lose weight is diet and exercise.

You are surprised as I was, huh?

Check back tomorrow to see who won the caption contest, see what new award the blog received, and chocolate. (ed. note: Crotchety isn't giving out chocolate tomorrow. He has CRS. That is a future contest.)

When at :
http://www.humorbloggers.com/
Don't forget to:


at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This...Win Prizes

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

And while you are enjoying humorbloggers, please


at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Look! Up on the desk! It's a bird! It's a plane!

It's Anthony?




They are super at:
www.humorbloggers.com

and don't forget, while at humorbloggers to


at www.humorbloggers.com/

My typical day

Kathy from the Junk Drawer recently posted about her typical blogging day. I was exhausted just from reading about it:

http://www.junkdrawerblog.com/2008/10/my-typical-blogging-day.html

I swear, she must be Super Woman.

Anyway, I decided to look at my day, and try to figure out why I don't seem to get much done.

Here's my actual Monday to Friday schedule, and note on weekends, I do take it a little more easy.

7:00 a.m. Wake up. Put on Mike and Mike on ESPN, and switch back and forth with the news.

7:02 - 7:23 Scratch things, rub things, shift things as needed.

7:23-7:30 Breakfast (usually just some yogurt and maybe a piece of toast if the Crotchety Old Lady is on schedule.)

7:30 - 8:00 Think about going to the bathroom

8:00 - 8:30 Go to the bathroom, wash things that were previously scratched, rubbed, or shifted. Do other bathroomly things.

8:30-9:00 Watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Don't judge me.)

9:00 - 9:30 Watch Step by Step (Donchoo go rolling your eyes. It's not nice.)

9:30 - 10:00 Check emails. Delete most of them.

10:00 -11:00 Cookie and juice break. Have oatmeal cookie (I need the fiber) and juice.

11:00-12:00 Stare at my blog. Answer both comments. Visit Ned the toothpick.com and send cryptic messages to Rubba.

12:00-12:15 Lunch. Usually a peanut butter and tomato sandwich on whole grain (fiber, fiber, fiber) and some fruit.

12:15 to 2:00 p.m. Power nap

2:00 -2:15 Scratch, rub, and shift as needed.

2:15 - 4:00 Read blogs, drop entrecards

4:00-5:00 Watch Monk reruns

5:00 -6:00 Read some more blogs.

6:00 -6:30 Welcome Crotchety Old Lady home from her day at the office. Remind her how hard I've been working and suggest she get dinner cooking because I'm hungry.

6:30-7:00 Work really hard, while continuing to encourage her to finish making dinner as it's getting late and I want to eat soon.

7:00 -7:30 Eat dinner while watching the Simpsons. I'm a multi-tasker.

7:30 - 8:00 Poke around the internet, and drop entrecards.

8:00-11:00 Watch TV to relax. Think about tonight's post

11:00 -11:45 Watch the Daily Show, or something on TBS, or Cartoon Network.

11:45 -12:02 a.m. Write post for tomorrow, while watching Colbert or Letterman. Multi-tasking again.

12:02 -2:00 a.m. Network. This means I go to the live chat at Humorbloggers and discuss such important blogging topics as the stupid Cubs, goat tacos, and tee shirt slogans.

It's a pretty full day. I'm willing to take suggestions as to how I could be more efficient, because it is a long day and I don't seem to get much accomplished. Maybe there is something I could do better, or shift around.

And, if you haven't already, please

at http://www.humorbloggers.com/

They are always on schedule at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Guest Post "Making a Fluffer Nutter"

My blogger buddy Lauren has written a guest post for me. She writes http://canubapartofmylife.blogspot.com/

Her usual forte is political along with her observations as a single lady living in the Big Apple. It would have a Mary Tyler Moore quality to it if Mary wasn't living in a bubble.

Lauren has taken us along on dates (don't be a pervert, it's all G rated) and to political rallies and even the occasional bus ride as she likes to sprinkle in some videos that she takes herself. She also takes a lot of pictures of her 'hood and travels throughout the NY area. This is her first humor post, and I'm sure you will enjoy it.


Cooking With Lauren

How To Make a Fluffer Nutter

When making a Fluffer Nutter in your own kitchen, the recipe is very simple.

Traditionally a fluffernutter is made with the following ingredients:
2 slices of white bead
1 jar of Marshmallow Creme, Preferably Fluff Brand.
1 jar of smooth and/or chunky peanut butter.

Yum, yum

This weekend, I learned that there is more than one type of Fluffer Nutter and I'll share that recipe, too. I never expected to learn something so fascinating. And the cooking class was in a bar! Yes, I inadvertantly became a prepared Human Fluffer Nutter.

I am just betting you didn't even know that a Human Fluffer Nutter existed. Well then you're in good company because I didn't realize I had a calling for this until my recent outting with a female friend of mine.

Human Fluffer Nutter = Female Wing Man, for optimum results be sure to follow the recipe precisely.

one really pretty girl as the fluffer (that was my role)
one semi-hot guy (nutter)

Now slowly mix in moderate to heavy flirting between pretty girl and semi-hot guy.

Simmer for about two hours.

Watch closely, because the nuts need to be fluffed just enough. I recommend using the age old standard, look directly into in semi-hot guys eyes because if they are enlarged and mouth begins to smile you know the nuts are fluffed just right.

At this point the pretty girl (fluffer) then leaves the scene to call it a night leaving semi-hot guy (nutter) wanting more.

For the next step to take place you MUST make sure that semi-hot guy (nutter) has been mixed just right with beer to ensure that Fluffed Nutter will allow.



Precautions: Never prepare Fluffed Nutter in the presence of ravenous female friend of pretty girl. While preparing my most recent concoction, the ravenous female friend swooped in and devoured the Fluffed Nutter at bar closing time.

For lots of great recipes:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Saturday's Hot Buttered Sex Post

Did you ever have such a great title for a blog post, or a paper, and try to write something that lives up to it? This is one of those posts. And, it will fail miserably. But it won't be the first time.

I've scoured the internet looking for some story that fits my headline, and I just couldn't. No love triangle with Miley Cyrus, Sarah Palin, and Lindsay Lohan, or any combination thereof.

To be honest, I've never even heard of hot buttered sex. But it sounds titillating. Which by the way, that is a word just ripe with promise, isn't it? It kind of sounds dirty.

I am so immature. I still giggle if anyone mentions "titwillow." Apparently, I'm not alone in that. Try googling titwillow, and you won't believe some of the pictures popping up. To get a picture of a bird that was avian, I had to google "willow tit," which is even funnier.

the willow tit

And another word that just sounds salacious but isn't, is Google, as in "To Google oneself."

Finally:
I just heard the world's heaviest man is getting married. I feel sorry for him. When he was weighed in 2006, he was over 1200 pounds, but he has since lost 550 pounds, but they still refer to him as the world's fattest man, and run the picture of him from back in the day. That must kind of suck. He's no longer the world's fattest man, but the paper still calls him that. I wonder if he will ever lose that title. It's not as if he were the President, or one of the Beatles


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7648634.stm


Don't forget



You can vote at:
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Another Caption This winner

Lately, some captioneers have just wowed the judges at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship.

This has been another of those weeks. One caption tickled my 8 judges enough to award 5 first place votes, which either sets or ties a record. Rubba and Paul also received first place votes, and multiple votes were received by The Fly, Shyne, Offended Blogger, David, MA Fat Woman, and Ettarose.

The winner, and undisputed winner this week is Humorsmith.

"What are ewe lookin' at?"



Second place was a pretty tight race as the Fly picks up some zuccchini for his fine caption. Third place went to David, a relative newcomer to our contest.

Congrats to all.

And the Humorbloggers domination week continues, and one of the highlights is the kick off of the humorblogger of the year contest.

I'd appreciate it if youse could stop by and vote for me. I don't like to beg and grovel, but I will if I have to. Just remember, I hugged a sweaty Richard Simmons for youse. I've had body parts cut off to get you better blog stories from the hospital. Dedicated to my readers. I'd take a bullet for you. If you need to go away for the weekend, I'll feed your cat. I'm that kind of guy.

When you go here:

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Please be sure to:

Blog Carnival-- growing up in the 60's

One of the challenges presented to the members of the Humorbloggers group that I belong to was to participate in a Blog Carnival. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do other than write about growing up and, of course, to use the expression uber sucktacular . Well, uber sucktacular was something I read on Sandy's blog ( www.witsbitch.blogspot.com/ ) today, and it is her contribution to the English language, so I just decided to fit it into my post today. It truly does enrich my vocabulary, and it pretty much describes my early years.

I grew up in the 1960's, in a small city in central NJ, though many of my friends and relatives would debate whether or not I have actually grown up. A few years ago, my spawn and her friends all got together and decided which of their parents fit different catagories like smartest, coolest, and so forth. I was voted most childish, so that's a good thing, isn't it?

Anyway, my city was a multi-cultural one, which means I got beat up by kids of various ethnic, racial, and religious backgrounds.

I lived across the street from an open sewer a babbling brook, and the Pennsylvania Railroad East Coast main line we were conveniently located near public transportation, according to the real estate agent.

The winters were pretty crappy, because my father worked in the heating business, but the summers were exciting. We often went to Florida to visit my uncle, and no trip to Florida was complete without encountering nature, which usually turned out badly.

http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/2008/06/malevolent-monkeys-of-miami.html

The trips to Florida were extra thrilling, because my father decided that it was possible to drive the 1200+ miles to Fort Lauderdale in less than 20 hours. This was his goal in life because one cousin stated it was possible to do it in 18 hours, and the best Dad ever did was just under 21. Anyone with a calculator can tell that Dad's cousin was full of sh*t, but this was before calculators were invented, so Dad fired up the Mercury after plotting the best possible time to avoid Washington D.C. traffic.

By the way, there were long discussions in the corner garage a few days before the trip, as everyone in the neighborhood weighed in on what was the optimal departure time and route. Somehow, it always wound up to be 3 a.m. Every family outing always began at 3 a.m. I wasn't sure exactly how dangerous or tricky traffic was, but it had to be beaten, and apparently, no matter where we were going-- Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, the Jersey Shore--we always had to leave at 3 a.m. It wasn't until the Crotchety Old Lady and I had several discussions
and I decided she was right, we didn't have to leave at 3 a.m.

TV in the 1960's was pretty awesome, and I wouldn't be here without it. My family didn't have a remote, so it was my duty to carefully turn the knob to the correct station. Just as I started to get old enough that my father realized I only had a few more years of channel changing ahead of me, my sister was born. Dad bought a TV with a remote early in the 1970's, so he didn't need any more kids.

TV was such a big part of our lives. We got our first color TV in the mid 60's, and it was such a novelty, when anyone came to visit, we would have to try to find a show in color, so they could see it. Generally, only game shows were in color during the day, so we watched a lot of Concentration with a slightly green tinted Hugh Downs. It wasn't until many years later I realized most people were not, in fact, green hued.

My grammar school class often had nuclear attack drills, because everyone knows that nothing provides greater safety during an atomic bomb blast than a wooden school desk. And nothing instills a sense of well being in kids than explaining just how many missiles are aimed right at New Jersey. I suppose some may have taken comfort in Nike Missile bases in the towns I psssed every day, but it wasn't all that reassuring to me.

By the way, Humorbloggers are having a Humor Blogger of the Year contest.

Your old pal Crotchety would be pretty happy if he were to get a few votes. Just click here: http://www.humorbloggers.com/ and look for my name. I'm getting my butt kicked by "other," and that's just not right.

There may be chocolate. Just sayin'

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

They love to caption pictures at:
www.humorbloggers.com