TIME OFF ?

After the hellish year I've been through, I got to thinking.

Shouldn't I be allowed to date?

It seems pretty young nurse (pyn) has an unattached pretty young sister (pys)who is a reader. What would be the harm in going on a double date with "pyn", her beloved Mr. Mopey, "pys" and ME?

Geez, I am only talking pizza and a movie, not a weekend in an Atlantic City casino...shouldn't I be allowed to share my gimpy studliness?

Oh, by the way, John McLean was just hired as coach of the Devils a few years ago. We shared a moment at adjacent urinals. I'm pretty sure he peeked too.


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Happy Fathers Day!

Any male can be a "baby daddy."

It takes a MAN to be a DAD!





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THE DAM HAS BURST

After losing a high stakes game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", the winning nurse that beat me with a "rock" over "paper" was awarded the "opportunity" to give the fat guy an enema. This wonderful nurse was ever so grateful a few minutes later when my colon, ever aware and dreading the enema ("You are going to take what? Fill it with cold water and put it where!?") began to "move."

It seems the evacuation system kicks into overdrive at the mere mention of an enema. I produced so prodigioiusly that when the aide emptied my diaper (What?! Youse still aren't wearing diapers despite all the advantages I've described in the past!?), she said "OH, my God, that is huge!" Now, normally men are quite proud when they hear a woman say that with their undergarments off, and I was mentally strutting...


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MIDNIGHT RIDE

Thanks to everyone's good wishes or magic, most of my pain was gone on Friday evening. I had dialysis and was ready at 9 to be picked up and then I waited and waited and waited for the EMT's to bring me back to my sub-acute, Norwood Terrace.

Got back at midnight and was greeted by the nurse (the young, pretty one) who saved my life a few weeks before by insisting they take me to the hospital with my irregular heart beat. Didn't get my old room back, but it at least gives Mrs. "C" a new number to play in the lottery...231.

My gall bladder is inflammed so I can't eat what I want and I have a touch of pneumonia. Am I sounding like a hypcondriac or just and old broken down shell of a stud?

My new number is 908-222-5158. Don't be afraid, you can call me...



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Musical Rooms

The hospital is changing my room almost daily.

My pain level has decreased, so I am off the morphine. Good thing. I was hallucinating so much that in addition to the body tremors, I was teaching classes! "Hey, don't forget that hall pass and yes, you can go to your gym class now"...very scary. Mrs. "C" was the non-compliant student.

They found an infection so it is back on the antibiotics. The bandages are off and I will soon be going back to a sub-acute. Can you believe it? I STILL CANNOT GO HOME!

They tried to get me up on my "good" leg. This is the one affected by the stroke. It was just too weak. Oh, that's right, I haven't been on it for at least 6 weeks.

I am sure that I have only survived all this because of your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

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Looking for Pain Management!

They did a second surgery Friday at 2:30 pm to prepare the leg for a prosthesis. They started the flap just below the knee. When that heals (weeks or months) I will be fitted. I am figuring I will spend that time at home. WHAT?! ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR!

I have been in pain but not as much as now. The big toe is killing me...They have been trying and alternating pain meds. Nothing seems to work for too long. Mrs. "C" spent yesterday afternoon, but I slept most of the time hence the short, weird blog.

Heart rate has been stabilized and is responding to meds.

I slept through a round of morphine, so hopefully today will be a better one!

Thanks for the good thoughts!



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Call Me "Stumpy"

Yeah, this Saturday morning they whacked my left foot off just above the ankle. I always look for the weird angle in every situation and what could be more weird than coming out of a major surgery with all the surgeons, nurses and staff singing to the radio playing "Raspberry Beret?"

For the next few weeks I will be selling my stylin' left shoes on Ebay...

The one thing I know for sure: From now on, for Halloween, I will be a peg-leg pirate! Anyone know where I can get a parrot cheap?

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts all this time...I am truly blessed.



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Back To Dictation

Told Mrs. "C" to send this over on Wednesday (she sure took her time):

GREETINGS from JFK Hospital! A couple of days ago I was told I had a minor heart attack. So minor it took them two days to detect it. Now they are poking holes in me about 12 times a day. The say I will be here anywhere from a few days to six months...In between tests, please reach me at 732-321-7384.



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Philosophical Quote of the Day

You don't always get what you want.

You don't always get what you need.

You get what you get.

I was working out in Physical Therapy the other day and noticed I was being "checked out" by some members of the fair sex...okay, so I was pumping a tiny, pink dumb bell, the ladies were, umm, over 85 (at least they looked that old).

Dammit, I liked knowing that I was a stud to at least some random octogenarians. So, I decided to enhance my inner GQ self. Mrs. "C" brought me several Hawaiian shirts to go with my too-short shorts. That will really drive the old wimmin crazy.

(Ed.note: WOO HOO!)

Type to you soon!

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P.S. to ba_hutch, the WINNER

I either didn't get your address or I lost it...please email it to me again so I can send you the DELICIOUS NJ pork roll...

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More Fun With NAUGHTY Bits

Last week I had a skin graft on my foot. This week it was discovered that it did not take.

One option now is to take skin grown in a lab from a baby's foreskin and insert it in the wound. (I swear I am not making this up.)

It makes me wonder that if I get err...umm...amorous will my foot grow from its current size 11 to a 14 or so?

Last week, on one of the facility's computers, I did some simple math problems. Yep, I got them all wrong. I am a math tutor and surely telling the kids the answer is "7,more or less," will really make my boss happy.



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ROOM CHANGE

Crochety wants everyone to know that since he keeps getting stuck with roommates that love to stay up all night screaming he is the only patient that has been moved twice in this lovely new facility within a month.

Physical therapy has him standing and getting into his wheelchair by himself. Quite a feat, no? Now he is ready to start walking and the foot doc decided to do a skin graft from his thigh to his heel and he has to stay in bed until Monday.

Pulleeze call him so he can complain to someone other than ME...908-222-5134.

Mrs. "C"



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55 !

HEY, HEY, IT IS CROCHETY'S HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

(and he is telling everyone that will listen...stop by for a cupcake!)

Mrs. "C"




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SOME GOOD / SOME NOT SO GOOD

Good is that Crochety stood up with a little assistance! He is feeling frisky...

Not so Good is that the darn laptop is attacking, we are working on it...his new phone is 908-222-5130.





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CAPTION T H I S ! ! !

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Winner winner chicken dinner

Errrrr, pork roll dinner.

ba hutch correctl gussed or figured out that yours truly is now belly buttonless
send your name and address to the email listedon the site, and you will be enlying the finest NJ taste treat

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My memory sucks

Since the stroke my memory is horrible. I mean I had a kickass blog post for you today. I can't remember a the title. My buddy in here has memory problems, too and it's hilarious.

He'll ask a ques.tion of me, Ill forget what he asked, then he'll forget what he asked.

Our conversations will last 2 hours, cover a myriad of subjects, and by the end won't remember a damned thing.

Don't forget the porky contest. A couple guesses came realy close.



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A Porky Contest

First of all a happy St Patrick's Day to youse.

I'm having a contest, sadly only one winner.

The prize is genuine NJ pork roll. Yum.

Earliest correct guess wins. One guess per person, per day.

Ok, here goes.

Regular readers have a huge advantage in this.

I'm missing a few body parts.

Some teeth, some toes.

But last year during this journey into hell, doctors took one more thing. It's nothing internal. What was it?

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How to have fun while while at the rehab center

Sure are a lot of hours to fill.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I spend about 5 hours at dialysis then about 30 minutes in PT.

Tuesday, Thursday I spend about 2 hours. Weekends about each day in PT about an hour.

That leaves (multiply by 7, add 23, subtract 14, divide by pi, add the negatve square root of 123) 39,534 hours, more or less, for mischief.

Because mobility is limited, so is mischief.

I have a grabber, which doubles as a nurse hiney pincher. Any nurse within about 6 feet of my bed is fair game.

Next I have my wheelchair, ideal for racing and cruising the halls for hiney pinching on the go.

OOOOOOOOOHHH There goes a new nurse. Maybe she'll want to look at my naughty bits.

Got to go. See youse soon.

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Greetings and felicitations

I finally got online and I'm not busy throwing up so I guess it's time for a blog post. Me and the Mrs. are hanging in. My buddy down the hall is an engineer so he got me online, and will write the directions so I can do it every day.


So far, I sent two physical therapists running from the room crying. (skinny little beotches-heh heh)

Probably explains why I have a psychologist assigned to me. Can youse say anger issues?

I'm healing from the last 10 months of hell and getting stronger every day. Can't stand yet, but I'm working towards it. Got some machine where they slip like a heavy duty bra under my ass and lift me up.

Thanks everyone for staying with me. Your phone calls and messages have been a Godsend.

A special thanks to MA Fat Woman.

And Janna, why don't you call and we can discuss a pork roll contest?

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