Saturday Stuff

One of my favorite writers ever was Dave Barry. He has been in semi-retirement for a few years, and one of my favorite columns he produced was Mr. Language Person. I’d like to don the role of Mr. Language Person as a tribute to Dave, at least for today.

My goal is to take over and completely dominate the internet. So, naturally, you would expect me to receive tons of swag.

Swag is a funny word. I wanted to find out exactly where “swag” came from. Naturally, I consulted my favorite online source, http://www.urbandictionary.com/
The things that can be learned there.

It turns out that just about everything has a dirty connotation to it.

Oh yeah, tossed salad and pearl necklaces, dog food, various numbers and who knows what else.

If you are easily offended, never look at that site. If you are easily amused, look up every word. And the best part of it is, unlike Funk and Wagnall’s or the American Heritage Dictionary, not only can you vote on the definitions, but you can add your own.

Oh yeah, you could insert your friend’s name and make up a definition for it.

I’ve submitted a few names and look forward to them becoming part of the world’s lexicon.

Which brings me back to swag. As one of the world’s most formidable bloggers, and a true legend in his own mind, I want everyone to know that I am open to graft, in case you didn‘t know already.
So far, only John from http://www.soapier.com/ has come through.
Ok, it was actually a contest that I won on his blog. Let me have my moment and pretend it is because of my awesome blogging skills.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a mini shout out for his business. The soap is great.

Believe me, I can get rather, umm, “ripe” in the summer months.
Just the other day, I was watching TV and the Crotchety Old Lady walked in the house and said, “Oh my, things are not fresh in here.”

OK, actually she said, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”



I knew it was time for my monthly bath. And just in time, my prize arrived, two bars of soap. I had the choice of honey milk, and oats, or melon and cucumber.

I chose the melon to cut through malodorous aroma around me. I will say, this is some good stuff. I smelled fresh as a summer’s eve. Stop snickering, it was the only analogy I could think of on short notice.

The Old Lady used the other one the next day, and her skin is now as smooth as



Lastly (anyone ever notice I like doing things in 3’s?) I keep getting emails from women who are interested in meeting me. All from the application to the dating service that I decided not to join.

Apparently, there are lots of really desperate women within 10 miles of me. Who knew?

For those who don’t remember, I wanted to see how these sites worked, so I entered that I was ugly, poor, and over 90. I wanted a beautiful 18-25 year old college graduate with low expectations, making 100K per year. Imagine how great the response would have been if I joined? All 600+ women would have contacted me.

Try to Guess Whose Names I submitted to urbandictionary