On to funny bizness.
Remember I promised funny stories from all the mayhem? Here’s one. And it’s all true. Pathetic and sad, but true.
While it wasn’t very funny at the time, looking back, my emergency 911 call was loaded with comedy potential. I was stuck on my beloved couch. I had apparently reached the point of fatness that I was permanently a part of the furniture.
Picture this, a fat guy…ok..fatter..fatter…now you went too far. You went to The Learning Channel Special Episode Fat Guy. Back it off to right around Family Guy’s Peter Griffin Fat.
Ok, now what happened is that I started to retain water like I’m 85% Shamwow. Seriously, probably in the area of 8 to 10 gallons or more, making little things like breathing nearly impossible. My goal was to get up, and drive to the ER. Except I couldn’t get up. So, we called 911.
The first team member showed up-- a very nice, but definitely overmatched-- tiny blonde woman. accessed the situation, and called for immediate backup. Then the police showed up.
Invoking a very Danny Glover-esque “We didn’t sign up for this crap,” they called for the fire department rescue unit. Deciding that the couch was at least 50% responsible for his mess, they immediately destroyed the couch.
And called Tony.
Tony is the department equivalent of Superman. Bends steel with his bare hands, lifts Buicks for fun and stuff like that. The plan was to have Tony lift me off the remains of the couch. Tony gave it his all, but
Time to call another rescue unit as the gurney is the wrong one and they are afraid of injury. The crowd inside and outside my home now numbers about 15 rescue workers, various supervisors, and a dozen open-mouthed neighbors. My street is impassable due to the sheer number of emergency vehicles. The new, improved gurney won’t fit inside my home. Fireman Chris has to remove all the doors. Ok. The gurney is in, but yours truly is still on the couch, which is now little more than cushions and firewood.
Time for the supervisors to step up. The selfless men and woman who have saved countless individuals over the years. The heroes of emergency rescue.
And they are stumped. Finally, one remembers that another unit has a brand new device, a giant rubber mat/blanket with lots of grab holes. Remember old cartoons with the net thing they held to catch people jumping out of buildings? Like that.
Sadly, it’s also like what they used to hoist Free Willy out of the water. So, they manage to get this under
During he ride to the hospital, the gurney came partially loose, threatening to squash the worker in the back with me. We pulled over, and Tony saved the day, as he held the gurney in place for the rest of the ride.
I’ll try to be back tomorrow with more.