I've learned a few things recently and decided to share them with you.
1. When a person with a sharp instrument is about to poke you, and announces "You may feel a little pinch," or "Bee sting" they have never been pinched or stung by a bee.
2. Pooping at an 87 degree angle in a bedpan, occasionally produces messes. No need to test this yourself.
3. Wedgies are an effective method to get old fat men out of a wheelchair.
4. "I'll be right there" is a relative term in the hospital. It ranges from 3 minutes to nearly a half hour.
5. Spongebaths from Nurse Heather -- good. Those from Nurse Dave -- not so much.
6. Brazilians are a good look for porn stars and bikini models. On old fat men they aren't. They make the cute nurses look at your "junk" and giggle. And they itch when growing in.
7. Hospital kitchen staff can't cope with "different". If there is a request for hot or cold tea with no sugar or artificial sweetener, they lose their minds. They will send either "diet" tea (blech) or 12 packs of the pink stuff. Also foods exist there that are nowhere else. I just had grape flavored jelly. Completely grape-free.
8. The nicer a person in a lab coat acts the greater the odds that they will do something painful to you.
9. If you refuse to do something, no matter how logical it is to refuse, you will be labeled "non compliant." And spat upon.
Ok, not really spat upon, but shunned. And given only green jell-o.
10. Fellow bloggers are some of the kindest people on earth.
I have received phone calls from Quirky, Lobo,
I know there were more but the stroke kind of killed part of my brain and I really can't remember right now. But for every call, I am extremely grateful.
And, of course, I'd like to thank Janna for the hilarious get well card.
I'll never forget the blog posts by Ettarose, Nanny Goats in Panties, Nonamedufus, and others and the well wishes from all my blogger friends. It all meant so much during a very dark time.
I'll do my best to get back to humorblogging without that hospital smell.