Thursday, July 09, 2009

From Room 4330

Dictated to my "private secretary" at 4:00 pm today...

Greetings from JFK Hospital in Edison, NJ! I wanted to let you all know I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers from my fellow bloggers. My most recent phone is 732-321-7364. Should you call be aware that my speech may be a little slurred which is reality right now and not for comedic effect. If you would like to be on equal footing enjoy a half bottle of JD prior to calling...

Beware pornish content ahead:

As luck would have it I was assigned a student nurse -- WOOO HOOOO -- Of course I got the only male nurse on the floor. His first order of business was to check with me to see if I wanted him to bathe me so I asked to see if he had drawn the short straw or lost a bet. I must be living right because he left and returned with two lovely FEMALE student assistants -- a blonde and a redhead! THANK YOU!

I am having a lot of wierd problems. The audio specialist, a.k.a. Dr. A_ _ H_ _ _ , was convinced I was faking my not hearing. The doctor covering for my PCP came to my rescue and let him know that the first week I was not having any communication problems. All the new nurses, physician assistants and doctors that have been paying me visits since Saturday ask if I have always been confused and having these verbal challenges.

I still have my part-time position here as a pin cushion. High number of sticks today is 11.

I look so forward to getting on line soon!


http://www.humorbloggers.com

40 comments:

PJ said...

you are incredible! keeping that sense of humor while being a human pin cushion. but i guess those sexy assistants might have something to do with it. keeping you in my thoughts...xoxo

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This is the most exciting post I've read today, and not just because you mentioned the redhead and blonde in nurses. I was just getting into your blog as a new reader a few weeks ago when you suddenly got sick and vanished for a while. I'm just glad you're writing again and feeling well enought to continue being funny. Thanks for the update, and I hope you start to feel much better than you must feel at the moment.

The Offended Blogger said...

Well damn, if all you wanted was two hot chicks to poke you with sharp things all day you could have just asked me and Dani to come over.

I'm sure Mrs. C would have approved as long as no sponge baths were involved hehe.

Adullamite said...

So good to see that in between needles you are still there.
If you want a hand dealing with the student (female) nurse, just shout!
I SAID JUST SHOUT!

barb said...

All in all, it sounds like you are being a really good sport. I'd be a bit cranky by now, especially with no internet. Hope you feel lots better soon.

Lauren said...

Tell them you are aware of their new proposal to have an additional CPT code of ungrateful patient. You're happy to show them how that works and if they don't get their egos out of their assholes we'll all come and help them get their new CPT code! ASSHATS. Then ask him if he has his degree in Pysch and if not then he had better not practice that medicine and to shut the EFFFFFF up about your situation and treat you medically and with evidence PERIOD. Man I feel like giving a smack down reading this.

Kate said...

Luv Mrs. C, but glad to have the original back. And don't forget about the Patient Bills of Rights or a Patient Ombudsman - don't let them stick it to ya' - well, not unless they really do have to.

Kate said...

So glad to hear that you're on the mend!! We're thinking of you!

nonamedufus said...

Good to see the one thing you haven't lost is your sense of humour! It's a good sign when you can laugh at what must be a frustrating situation for you. Sending best wishes to you and Mrs C.

joel Klebanoff said...

Now that's blogging above and beyond the call of duty! Keep your sense of humor and I hope you're able to get back to entering your own posts soon.

A big thanks to your "private secretary".

ReformingGeek said...

Ouch! I'm so sorry you are a pin cushion. I'm sure you're ready to get back online every day.

Miss you!

Collette said...

Wow! This is like a bad horror movie/great porn! You must write a book. Since you can't get internet, get a pad & paper & start writing! If you can't get money from them for malpractice, at least you can make money from a book about your harrowing story! Get well soon! So, glad you have your "private secretary" to get us the news!

Tiggy said...

I can imagine the first thing on your mind recently has been plotting a hilarious scheme to pretend your hearing has gone. Doctors, honestly!

Enjoy your bed baths!

Sandee said...

A blonde and a redhead can really help you keep your sense of humor...among other things. Enjoy that aspect.

Just get better Crotchety. It just isn't the same without you.

You and Mrs. Crotchety have a terrific day and weekend. :)

LL said...

You got the male nurse and he offered to get you naked and scrub you down? Erm...

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look at Dani's hot nurse picture now, but you just keep on keeping on with your new guy...

...not that there's anything wrong with that...

Melanie said...

So glad to hear you're still kickin'.

I look forward to reading the book you write about this experience.

Quirkyloon said...

Ah Senor Crochety! It's so good to hear from you and it's amazing too!

I'm not sure I could do with eleven sticks under my belt (pun intended?).

Still sending prayers your way for both you and Mrs. Crotchety!

I was wondering if you could take calls, I'm glad you can! *smile*

Please get better soon!

Lady Sarcasm said...

LOL! Ya never fail to crack me up man. Hope the weird shit goes away, and you begin to feel stronger and better.

thinkinfyou said...

Well you seem in good spirits and haven't lost your sense of humor and that's important!!

Still thinkin and prayin for ya!!

Pricilla said...

I hope you TOLD Dr. AH that he was an AH. And just why would you fake such a thing? Seriously. I swear doctors are a pain in the tail.

More goat hugs.

Venom said...

While you're in there you might (in between hot sexy nurse oogling, I mean) ponder the merits of a medical malpractice suit.

I'd be pissed if the wrong meds made me deaf & dumb - others, however, might muse on the poetic justice of it all.

They say laughter is the best medicine - glad to know you're taking liberal doses.
Get well soon Crotch.
;-)
Venom

Jenn Thorson said...

Why would ya FAKE the hearing and speech problems?

Hey, wait-- maybe they think you're actually a really famous comedian just using them as a reality show stunt?

Well, it's lovely to read your e-voice, Joe-- we've all been missing you a ton.

MA Fat Woman said...

You know you're not gonna get much sympathy whilst describing 11 sticks. For us diabetics, that's a slow day.

Keep up your spirits and toot every once in a while to let them know you're still breathing.

MA Fat Woman

Stacie's Madness said...

{{hugs}}

I'd do the male nurse, but I guess that'd make sense.

What? you didn't hear that.

Grace said...

All doctors are assholes! But they must love you for your sense of humour and good cheer. It helps, it surely does.

FishHawk said...

Could it be that the reason why you are getting stuck so much is as a result of spurning the advances of that male nursing-like person? Perhaps you need to work on your people skills? Since you can't talk so good right now, just remember that a nod is as good as a wink to a boy in love (or a Yankees fan).

dizzblnd said...

Glad to hear from you. How nice the male nurse traded himself in for you.
My prayers are with you.

Keep up the positive thinking! It is doing WONDERS for you

Winky Twinky said...

It's soooo good hearing from you DOM... cannot wait to hear some of your unasked for adventures... take care and get better {{hugs}}

renalfailure said...

I made you a get-well post/legal notice, because your illness seems to be defaming me.

http://renalfailure.wordpress.com/2009/07/10/renal-restraint-order/

We took the heat when Norman Mailer died of renal failure, we'll not be saddled with the blame for you.

Deb said...

HI JOE! (waving, jumping up an down)

I (pointing to me) HOPE YOU (pointing to you) ARE FEELING (touching my arms repeatedly) AND HEARING (pointing to my ears) BETTER. IF DR. A**H*** (pointing to butt while bending over (control yourself)) TOOK HIS HEAD (knocking on head) OUT OF HIS ASS (pointing to butt again) MAYBE THEN HE'D REALIZE (holding lightbulb over head) IT IS HE WHO COULD NOT HEAR (pointing to ears) THROUGH HIS SHI* FOR BRAINS (holding up a bag of NutJobs lawn presents with one hand, pointing to head with other).

SHALL I REPEAT THAT ?

Don said...

Good that you're hanging in there. Is there a prognosis yet? Is this just sort of a search and destroy mission? Talk to you soon.

Sherry at EX Marks the Spot said...

Remember the old adage that laughter is the best medicine. Don't ever lose that sense of humor -- even if you are crotchety. We're all pulling and praying for you!

Janna said...

We miss you!

Without you there are no funny pictures to caption, no humorous posts about Mrs. C, no zucchini awards, no horrific thoughts on "The Night Chicago Died", no tributes to pork roll, and no odes to catheters.

Hurry back.

After your lengthy sponge bath, of course.

Lola said...

Glad to hear that you were at least able to dictate this to your secretary.

So, have you caught the doctors spinning the wheel of diagnosis yet in the hallway? That's always fun when you stump them and they all gather huddled together.

Mike said...

at least they would have gotten your willy cleaned as your erection would have pulled all the loose skin tight for a better wash.

Right?

ettarose said...

Crotchety, you have some very funny comments here. I know you are getting a chuckle from them. Hope they have not asked you "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" I would love to smack the shit right out of them. But then all you would have would be an empty sack. Please get well soon.

savvy said...

faking your hearing loss? - I'd say unbelievable, but we both know it isn't. Glad to hear you are talking now, even if it does sound like Dean Martin during the second half of his life! Hang in there, I plan to give you a call when you can talk a bit. Hopefully you will be moved to a rehab facility and Eric and I plan to come visit.

Kev

nipsy said...

Have they learned nothing at all from the Old Man yet? Faker my arse. The only thing I would fake is a heart attack just to get them running. Dirty little bastards. I'm so very glad you still have your sense of humor. Come back to us real soon..

I also agree, Mrs C you so need your own blog!!

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