Friday, July 17, 2009

Crotchety Gets A Brazilian

This is a smoother and more manageable Crotchety here.

It seems one part of a heart catharazation involves violating my naughty bits in a way they had never been before.

That's right, I got a Brazilian. The good thing is now it takes only a minute to get dressed. And, of course, every nurse has to check the incision--and see the old man and giggle at his baby -like smoothness.

Since I've been in the hospital, they have removed some excess water fron my body.

How much?

Nine (9)gallons!!!

By the way, my phone number in rehab is 732.287.9555 ext 170. Mornings are ususlly the worst time. I'll start visiting my friends blogs soon.

http://www.humorbloggers.com

39 comments:

PJ said...

holy hannah, 9 gallons! that is crazy! how you like that baby smoothness...hehehe. just wait til it starts growing back, you'll be cussing. i am glad to see that you are feeling better.

tahtimbo said...

9 gallons?? Wow, that's incredible! I'm glad the procedure went well and your sense of humor is still spot-on. Take care and how about sharing some pictures of your nurses:)

LL said...

Let's see... 9 gallons at 8 lbs per gallon equals... erm... carry the one...

a lot.

What the hell? I thought you were in rehab not some damn spa! Brazillians, weight loss regimens... I tellz ya, it's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Keep on the mend buddy.

Jeff said...

Just got caught up on your previous posts. I hope you get well soon and I have to say, if I'm ever in your position I hope I have the same good spirits and attitude that you do. Best wishes!

FishHawk said...

Can I tell my wife that I still need to drink a couple fifths of Jack before calling?

nonamedufus said...

There's an image I really didn't need to think about. Good to see your back in fine form.

barb said...

TMI! TMI!

9 gallons! Yikes. That alone should make you feel better.

ReformingGeek said...

One DOM - Nine Gallons of Liquid = NO MORE BREAKIE COUCH!

Take care, Smooth One!

Joel Klebanoff said...

9 gallons?!! Jeez. There are places suffering droughts. I hope you did your civic duty and donated that liquid to the water-challenged.

Lauren said...

I hope you are feeling better now that you've had all these things done.

memphisdonna said...

You do *sound* better!! Glad you haven't lost your sense of humor. You NEED it with everything you've gone through!! Still keeping you & the Mrs. in our thoughts and prayers.
(((((Hugs)))))

Stacie's Madness said...

totally jealous, I WANT a brazilian, but I'd rather CHOOSE one than be force...

keep getting better, we miss ya!

Tiggy said...

A nine-gallon water reduction and a Brazilian? Are there any spare beds going?

Seriously man, take care... let us know what they shave next!

Jen said...

Where are the pictures?

9 gallons is amazing, though I often feel as if I am retaining that much sometimes.

Hope you feel better soon.

Quirkyloon said...

Whoa, you never told us you were part camel...nine gallons! Yowza!

And why am I blushing?

Could it be the mental image?

hee hee

Jenn Thorson said...

Nine gallons? Ho boy! You had to have been exhausted just carrying around nine gallons. You have to be a svelter more streamlined Crotchety now!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You know, this blog has really gotten sexed up since you went into the hospital what with the hot nurses and the shaving and all. And this latest post gives a whole new meaning to Crotchety. Your readership numbers must be soaring! :) Thanks for the update, and I don't even get how they can remove 9 gallons of water from the body. Do they use a beer tap?

Marsha said...

Nine gallons? Holy mackerel Crotchety. Did you not feel crappy at two gallons of excess fluid? WTH took you so long to get to a doctor? (A woman ignoring it I could understand. But you males are usually giant whine-asses.)

As for the Brazilian.... pictures, or it didn't happen! ;)

Don said...

Hell, everyone has commented on nine gallons of fluid...great. I have a comment. I tried twice to call you. I got through to the rehab center, but they claim you don't exist. Hehehe. They don't have you listed at ext. 170 or anywhere. Are you sure you are where you are and are not somewhere that you are not?

Grace said...

Ah the re-hab spa. Have them do your nails, you'll need them for the itch-twitchy grow back phase.

Swirl Girl said...

what - no visuals??

Pricilla said...

Man, it's like you are being milked like me!

I think I have given 9 gallons since Kevin was born...but mine goes to making cheese and soap...I am not going to ask about yours.

Big smiles on the Farm to see you are doing better.

Lady Sarcasm said...

I won't be able to look at you the same way now Joe.. just won't do it. LOL Not that I can SEE you, but yah you get me right/ In a medicated state people seem to get me more then if they were sober lmao. Get well! :)

Janna said...

I've been trying to drink more water lately. I've been refilling those 1-liter Aquafina bottles and taking them to work with me.

After drinking 2 liters (somewhere in the general vicinity of half a gallon), I am so FULL that I slosh whenever I blink.

I can't even imagine what 9 gallons would feel like.

You must be very absorbent.
Just like Spongebob!

Hang in there and keep us updated on everything.

thinkinfyou said...

WOW! You lost weight and got a hair cut....I'm jealous now!

Lin said...

Joe!!! My friend--I see you dropped by!! How I have missed you, I hope you are doing better. 9 gallons?? Sheesh--that's like a fishtank of water. You got guppies in there??

And don't worry about the brazilian--it will grow back all itchy and scratchy and then you 'll have something to complain about! They gave me one too when I had my hernia surgery in January. Hey! Maybe we can compare scars some day!!

I've been reading and checking on you, pally! Oh--and worrying and praying for ya--my knees HURT!

lot 2 learn said...

Smiles and good thoughts your way. I am so glad you are feeling better.
Enjoy the brazillian for another day or two, then it come back

Lipstick said...

nine gallons!! wow...that's impressive. Mr. Lipstick has lots of five gallon buckets sitting around the garage (don't ask) and they are large and unweildly. Well, Crotchety, I'll bet you are feeling better after that being drained from you.

Sorry about the baby-smoothness. Tell them you need bi-weekly spa treatments for maintenance.

Dreamybee said...

Wow, you really are part ShamWow!

ax2usn said...

Stopped by 'NoNameDufus' and learned of your balding experience. Hope the nurses are taking good care of you AND your devoted wife.

I am (sympathetically) looking forward to stories about the shaggy nadir of your growing out. Drawing on my own experience, 5 O'Clock Shadow will become an exercise in:

a. Character Enhancement; or
b. Vocabulary Enrichment.

Methinks you'll be yelling at more than cars ... >grin<

Dave said...

Nurses violating my naughty bits was in a movie I saw once - I don't think there where any Brazilians in the movie but I didn't read the credits that closely

Glad to hear your on the mend

Collette said...

So, once they removed all the IV's, they just spun you around & water flowed out like a damn sprinkler! Genius! Glad you're back to being useful! You'll be up & about in no time!

Deb said...

Damn, Crotchety. How'd you get Chelle there to give you a Brazilian? I thought she gave that stuff up. Nine gallons is just 6.5 gallons short of a keg. You give new meaning to 'puffy days'.

Jessie said...

woo hooo crotchety get down with your bad self.
Hope you feel better toots.Been prayin for ya.
and save some green jello!

Mr. Condescending said...

I hope there are some hot nurses!

PhilipDyer said...

Lucky! Insurance refuses to pay for my Brazilians.

Kirsten said...

I want pics to prove it!

I'm jealous of the brazillian and the water loss.

Take care!

Lola said...

Lucky you, I hear brazilians are pricey. Way to go to figure out a way to get one for free! (Or at least paid for by the insurance.)

Sandee said...

Nine gallons? Yikes that's a lot. As for the Brazilian? I got a visual. Just saying.

Glad things are looking up Crotchety.

Good thoughts and prayers continue. :)