Saturday, February 07, 2009

I'm being stalked

By my old cell phone company. In addition to daily emails, I also get phone calls on my home phone, and they are tricky.
The prompt says that if "You don't wish to hear from Trikphone any longer, press one." The prompt then says, "Welcome to Trikphone" and then starts to go into a spiel to hook me up with the phone service.

Bastages.

And I still get called a couple times a week about my timeshare.

"Would you like to sell if I can guarantee you a profit?"

No.

"Would you like to buy more time?"

So, that must mean someone is selling at a profit, which means I get ripped off, because I could just buy it from the original company (Wyndham Properties, which is doing quite well, BTW.)

If it weren't for telemarketers, no one calls, so I do look forward to hearing from them.

Any suggestions on how to mess with them?

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26 comments:

MA Fat Woman said...

Do some heavy breathing into the phone.

Scream really loud!

Make inappropriate noises. I can loan you my sick family member's whoopie cushion.

I got a gazillion free weekend minutes on my cell phone that I never use. What's your number? We can chat all weekend.

(Just not today. It's supposed to be 70 degrees and I'm going fishing.)

(Sunday, I'm kinda busy too!) Let me check my schedule and Ill get back to you.

Joanie said...

Not sure how to help you there.

Years ago when we moved into a brand new neighborhood that was still being built, I kept getting calls from a windows and siding company asking if I wanted new windows and siding. I kept telling them no, this was a brand new house. Finally I got fed up with them and the next time they called, I made an appoointment for them to come to my house. Only I gave them an address of a house that was only framed out. It did, indeed, need windows and siding! They stopped calling after that.

Adullamite said...

1) Tell them about Jesus.
2) Talk in a calm manner about the police outside the door and the body on the floor.
3) Blow a whistle next time.
4) Hand the phone to Mrs Crotchety and she will talk them into the ground.
5) Invite them round and shoot them.
6) Oh, must go, the police just arrived......

Adullamite said...

Oh and on a serious note, install an answerphone. No telesales will leave messages, and if they do you need not answer.

Andrew said...

Mate of mine always used to love toying with them...

Usually they are not allowed to hang up on you and they always call at the most inappropriate times; so, instead of getting upset with them ask for their number and you'll call them back.

What's that? You can't give me your number? Well obviously I'm not important enough a customer then am I?

At this stage they are pretty much screwed, no matter what they do :-)

Kevin John said...

Easy Crotch!

Just calmly ask what they do in their spare time...then what they're doing tonight... then what they're wearing right now.
Tell them what you're wearing under your pants, and its getting hot in your house. Groans and odd sounds are also very important.

Shelly said...

I love letting my 2 year old answer. If it's a male voice on the other end she always assumes it's Daddy.
"hi Daddy" "when you coming home Daddy" and if the caller asks to speak to her mother, she falls to pieces crying and saying "Why won't daddy talk to me?"
Then I just grab the phone and say "couldn't you just talk to her for 30 seconds?, now I have to go calm her down, thanks a lot" and hang up, lol

dizzblnd said...

Repeat every word they say back to them.

Adulamite already stated one of my favorites.. talk about the police and dead body.


If they ask for "the lady of the house" Look in my archives for "dumbass telemarketers" for tips on that on ;)

Lauren said...

Tell them you've fallen and you can't get up. Then get your phone number on the do not call list.

PaulsHealthblog.com said...

Being in sales, I am always nice to people who call me.

At some point, I will say, "I bet you get a lot of rejection doing this job."

And they will reply with hopeful anticipation, "Yes!"

Then I say, "Well, here is another one. Have a good day."

ReformingGeek said...

I don't even answer the phone if the caller id isn't something I recognize but Hubby will. He will yell at them and tell them not to call or he will send Guido after them or something like that. This is usually after they have been asked to take our number off their list.

I think this must be a form of stress release for him. ;-)

Lin said...

I'm with Shelly--we used to hand the phones to the kids and let them ramble on and on with the seller. Or try telling them to "hold for a moment" and just set it down for eternity.

Best money I spent is on caller ID. Or use the government Do Not Call list if you are in the U.S. It has stopped all sales calls. yeah, the phone doesn't ring as much, but it's sort of nice.

Janna said...

Tell them you're much too busy dealing with the unruly hostages right now.
It helps if there are loud noises and gunshots in the background.
Maybe Mrs. Crotchety can help.

Don said...

I hate telemarketers! I just report them and if they're not fined they at least leave me alone...for a while anyway.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Disconnect your phone. Bwahahahaha. Just saying.

Have a great weekend Crotchety. :)

Lidian said...

Just do what Jerry Seinfeld does on - can't recall the episode, but he asks the telemarketer for their home phone number.

Telemarketer says he's not allowed to do that. Jerry says, oh, because you don't want someone bothering you at home, right? Guy says yes.

Jerry says, oh, now you know how I feel, and hangs up.

Jen said...

You could have my five year old answer the phone for you. She frustrates all who call my house with her inability to understand what they want, her refusal to find mom (I have taught her well) and her love of pushing buttons. Give it a shot.

Kirsten said...

Have you heard of that guy that messes with the telemarketer on the bob and tom show. I forget his name! You have to hear it! I'll find it.

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

If you really want to piss off a telemarketer, waste their time. I used to be FUMING when I would get idiots on the phone who would show interest in the product, but definitely weren't going to buy it. Answer call, show interest, and in between giving the telemarketer your information, fill them in with all the long, boring, and occasionally disgusting details of your life... do everything in your power to try to get them off topic... BUT, keep showing interest, 'cause as long as it sounds like you're going to buy, they can't hang up. Finally, when they're ready to verify the sale, say "Oh, I don't want to buy anything, I just appreciated the conversation" and hang up.

Da Old Man said...

@ MA: LOL.

@ Joanie: I like that

@ Adullamite: Can't give the phone to Mrs. C. She'll wind up buying something

@ Andrew: I'm probably going to mess with the next one by asking a bunch of questions. Then, let him know that he has been talking to me for a while, and wondering if he ever knew that the name he has been calling me is a woman's name?

@ Kevin: That works. Especially if it's a man.

@ Shelly: That is funny

@ Dizz: They ask for Mrs C by name. Her name is Frances, which is a woman's name. They then talk to me and call me by her name. Why they call her, I have no idea, when I bought the stupid thing.

@ Lauren: Do not call list doesn't apply.

@ Paul: I don't want to be rude because they are only doing a job, and things are tough all over.

@ Reforming: You should record him, and sell that.

@ Lin: I need to tell Mrs. C I want to have a baby. Maybe we can just adopt a 3 year old.

@ Janna: I bet you do the best phony phone calls.

@ Don: I like talking to them. I just get annoyed when it's the same story.

@ Sandee: But how could I order all the stuff I buy from Billy Mays and Vince?

@ Lidian: Jerry did it right.

@ Jen: That would work

@ Kirsten: Jim Florentine is my favorite, though you may be talking about Tom Mabe

@ Shadow: That's cruel. Funny, but cruel. Next call from one of the Florida guys, gets it

Dan Brantley said...

I am a caller ID user myself but I have also had fun

Answering the phone in Spanish.

Telling them it sounds great and asking if they would please contact my bankruptcy attorney to get his approval.

If I have them on speaker phone I will get other work during their spiel and when they ask for a response say, "OK now I'm back what were you saying?"

Pick up the phone say nothing, slap the table loudly, it sounds sort of like a gunshot, drop the phone, and then pick it up and slowly hang it up.

Sherry said...

If I ever talk with one, I always ask questions. That seems to stop the caller. Then I ask to be taken off of the call list.
In the alternative, keep a whistle by the phone. When one starts into his or her spiel, blow the whistle into the phone.

dana wyzard said...

Ask them for their phone number because you'll call them back when they're having supper

The Hawg! said...

Crotchety, you need to have some fun with them. How?

Use what I call the "light bulb" strategy. A friend of mine developed that back in high school when some charity called wanting to sell him light bulbs. He said, "I don't need any light bulbs. You see, I'm blind."

Then he started sobbing. He never heard from them again.

So, find their weakness and attack, attack, attack.

Da Old Man said...

@ Dan: I wish I spoke some language other than Spanish. There is alway a chance they will speak that. But if I spoke Lithuanian or perhaps some Chinese dialect like Mandarin. Put thos fortune cookies to use.

@ Sherry: I may ask a bunch of questions next time.

@ Dana: That would work

@ The Hawg: I'll come up with something for the calls next week and report back.

Amber said...

I'm currently trying to get OUT of my cell phone contract and every time I complain they say "well, I'm sorry to hear about your problem, if you'd like to resign your contract for two more years I can give you a $50 credit on your next bill." And I say, "What part of 'I hate your guts,' don't you understand?"

I'm Amber - Just blog browsing!! :)