Monday, June 23, 2008

Beware of the Killer Tomatoes

Warning: This post has been rated PG-13 for the suggestion of possible violent content. There is no violence, but it is suspenseful, and brimming with violence potential. But nothing happens. You've been sufficiently warned.

A few years ago, my phone rang. It was the Crotchety Dad. He wanted to know if I had stopped by during the day while he was out.
It seems the house was messed up, doors were smashed, and generally things didn't look right. I told him it sounded like the house was robbed. So he asked if I could come right over. Being a good son (ok, an adequate son--fine, his only son) I went to help out. It took me about 20 minutes to get there.

In the meantime, apparently, he just sat in the living room and stared at his TV. It didn't work because the wires were cut, and the VCR (I told you this was while ago) was missing. He still wasn't sure what had happened.

I looked around and confirmed that he was robbed. I called the police and then decided it would be a good idea to do a walk through and make sure no one was hiding in the basement or anything like that.
That's when I did one of the dumbest things I've ever done.

I realized that the robbers, if they were still around, may be armed. After all, they had smashed and broken open the gun safe. So, I could walk right into the business end of a .357 magnum.

Not wanting to be at such a disadvantage, I grabbed a weapon to protect myself.

I armed myself with


Don't snicker. This is serious. Tomatoes can be very dangerous, especially in the 28 oz. can like I had chosen.

In fact, in Spain, every year an event called the Tomatina takes place in a small town in which tens of thousands of people die.

Oh, the humanity!!!


I just checked my sources. Photobucket

It seems no one died from tomatoes being tossed at them. But it is possible that they could be allergic and get a really nasty rash, or a serious bruise.

I have heard of rogue tomatoes and their inherent vicious character, so I'm keeping an eye on them.


Disclaimer: No tomatoes, fresh or canned, were tossed during the writing of this post.


Bradley said...

Thanks a lot! "Puberty Love" will now be stuck in my head the rest of the day.

JafaBrit's Art said...

A can of beans works too, mrs.moffit (now residing in hell) once threw a can at another neighbours head and knocked the poor man out.

Of course I think your large can of tommies would be more lethal.

The Offended Blogger said...

Hehe please don't tell anyone but I once armed myself with a bag of beef jerky when I thought a bear had broken in my house.

Turns out it was just my cat knocking over a plant in the window, but I was so shaken by the ordeal that I let him eat the beef jerky anyway.

That cat frigging loves me now. ;)

Da Old Man said...

@ Bradley: Sorry. I believe that's called collateral damage from a post.

@ jafa: Beans come in a smaller can, so they are nearly as effective gainst an armed intruder.

@ Offended: Your secret is safe with me.

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

That's pretty ingenious! I have a couple of really sharp dagger-type knives in my room, but I gaurantee they're the last things I'd think of in a situation like that. I'm just really, really glad to read a post about tomatoes that doesn't have to do with the food scare.

Salamat said...

wuahahaha! that's a good one! I was thinking of "salmonella" at first, lols!

Atlas said...

There is no better weapon than a can of tomatoes.

Side-note: tomatoes are my kryptonite. Last time I tried to eat a baby tomato, I almost puked my guts out and died. True story.

Benny Greenberg said...

I was thinking... Pork and Beans... can kill two... in one...

Da Old Man said...

@ Benny: I was under pressure. But if I had the time to think about it, pork and beans would have been a much better option.

shyne said...

LOL....salmonella came to my mind first, too.

As you were telling the story about searching Dad's house, a flash of the mandatory horror movie scene flashed through my mind....sweet young thing hears noise, sweet young thing wanders into dark cellar armed only with a nail file, sweet young thing meets the inevitable end.

You sweet young thing, DOM....glad your ending was better!

Jenn Thorson said...

Wow, if you're like that with a can of tomatoes, I'd HATE to be around if you seized any oversized product from Sam's Club. That's be "game over, man." :)

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha. furthermore, the FDA has implicated tomatoes in a series of crimes. Wanted (waaaaanteeed, bon jovi style) dead or alive.

love your blog!