Friday, June 27, 2008

Malevolent Monkeys of Miami

This is another entry in my continuing series Mother Nature, Murderess, and the final one in my violent post week.

Again, you have been warned, this post is not for the feint of heart.

Sure, monkeys look cute and act funny. They act almost human at times.

It’s all part of the master plan. But they can’t be trusted. Did you ever drive through the Monkey section at Six Flags? Oh, yeah, they are all over the car, pooping, trying to break off body parts, and generally inducing mayhem, simian style.


I usually avoid the drive through by the monkeys. They have a bypass road for a reason. Monkeys are among the most evil creatures in all nature.


Many years ago, I had an encounter with a monkey that scarred me for life and helped sour me on nature.

This was before I became Crotchety. I was young, and full of hope for the future. I had dreams, dammit. They were all dashed in minutes in one of the most frightening places on earth--Monkey Jungle in Miami, Florida.

Back then, I was fearless. I even attempted to bridge the human-savage beast gap by offering monkey chow, or whatever it was that was sold in the little vending machine.

I carefully handed one of the peanuts to the monkey, and he grabbed my finger and attempted to bite me. The depraved critter was attempting to eat me. Photobucket

Sure, I was 30 times his size, but in nature, size doesn’t matter.

I managed to escape, but the tale doesn‘t end there. The fiendish demon then stalked me, sort of. He was in a cage, as all nature should be, and I was able to walk away. But, he was at a crossroads in the park. I had to pass him several times over the course of the afternoon, and each time, he attempted to treat me like a schnauzer treats a fire hydrant.

Oh yeah, and I had to dash past him each time or receive a “shower.” I was so fortunate that the monkey was obviously male, and his aim was like most men‘s.

Disclaimer: No feces were tossed during the witing of this post


Jenn Thorson said...

Ah, Crotchety, somehow I KNEW Monkey Jungle was going to have been involved. :) It's lucky you got out alive. And just think, if that had been a dinosaur, a la Jurassic Park instead of just Zippy the Monkey, why, you'd have been KILLED. KILLED, I say.

Darn shame, too. So much great blogging ahead of you. :)

shyne said...


You and Mother Nature are just not getting along!
Just be careful about going out in a t'storm!!!!

AmyOops said...

Well that explains a lot...

Da Old Man said...

@ Jenn: Even when nature is caged, it is dangerous

@ Shyne: Even monkeys and turkeys are afraid of thunderstorms

Da Old Man said...

@ Amy: LOL

Tommy Buettner said...

Well, today's lesson....When hanging out with Crotchety outside, bring your raincoat.

Anonymous said...

Yup sure glad there aim is right on LOL

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

I've heard of being spit on by llamas, but this is a whole new spin on things!

Da Old Man said...

Shadow: I keep telling all of youse, nature is dangerous, even when caged.

Eileen said...

It appears that you encountered one of the squirrel monkey residents at Monkey Jungle. I actually have pet squirrel monkeys, which are great with me. About the peeing...SM do this both in the wild and in captivity as a greeting and to show their dominance over other monkeys. My monkey does this whenever I get home to greet me. So don't worry he didn't want to eat you...Just wanted to say hello.

Da Old Man said...

@ Eileen: I ain't buying it. Dangerous, ferocious, albeit really tiny, beasts. The monkey could have waved, or even shaken my hand like a gentleman.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Being part monkey ... not sure I like the tone of this post ... hmmm.

My sister visited Malaysia and the monkye's run free like squirrels do here ... it freaked her out!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So let me get this straight.
Happy Young Man sours on nature due to monkey harrassing him in his car.
Happy young man eventually becomes Crotchety Old Man and harasses cars.
Circle of life is complete.

Da Old Man said...

@ Drowsey: I'm not so crazy about squirrels either.

@ Nanny: Perfect!

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL...thanks I needed that.

Doc, stumbling and diggin ya Joe!!!


I am an animal person but as cute as monkeys are I can honestly say I am scared of them. I must have been attacked by a monkey in a past life. Sounds like you handled the monkey shower well.