Monday, June 09, 2008

I just want some pizza, dammit.

Last night, I tried to order a pizza to be delivered. The internet has really screwed up our pizza procurement technology.

Here’s how our pizza ordering process has changed over the last few years.



Walk to Luigi’s Pizza. Tell Luigi “I’d like a pizza with thin crust.”

Luigi says, “Ok, Mr. Crotchety.” He makes me a pizza with thin crust, 15 minutes later, I take it home. All is well.


Luigi is dead. Luigi Jr. is running the place. The pizza tastes like crap. So I call this new place, Domino’s. I ask what kind of pizza they have. Some guy named Leon takes 10 minutes to give me the “specials,” since they have about 2,096 variations including pineapple. I order the pepperoni with thin crust. The pizza tasted like crap, but I got it in 30 minutes.


I saw commercials for Papa John’s new hand-tossed whole wheat pizza. Mrs. Crotchety has decided I need more fiber. She believes this will help with my crotchetiness. So, I decide she’s possibly right, since she is almost always possibly right.
Before calling Papa John’s, I decided to check out the menu online. To do this, I had to enter my name, date of birth, first pet’s name, and my blood type.
I can’t deal with this as I can feel my blood sugar dropping as I type. So, I call and get someone named Apu on the phone.

“I’d like a whole wheat pizza with thin crust.”

Apu lets me know I can have a whole wheat pizza, or a thin crust pizza. Can’t have both.

“But they are hand-tossed.”

Apu assured me they are, but I still can’t get thin crust and whole wheat.

I’ve slung pizza in my day, so I know Apu is full of shit.

So, what to do?
Of course, I tell him never mind, but I’m pretty damned annoyed.

I just want a thin crust whole wheat pizza delivered in under an hour. Why is this so difficult to achieve? If we can put a man on the moon (or in Arizona, depending on your level of skepticism,) where's my pizza?

I hear lots of bitching about jobs being outsourced. I also hear it’s all about the money. I’m about to call bullshit. If I can’t get a damned thin crust whole wheat pizza delivered in under an hour, why would I ever trust these same dopey workers to make my car, answer the telephone, or make anything else for that matter?

Is it crappy management, or crappy workers?

What do you think?



JD from hoeno said...

I would have tried the compromise of half wheat pizza. It's a lot easier to thin out half-wheated dough for a half-witted Papa John's employee.

Da Old Man said...

I wonder what I would have wound up with.

Bradley said...

Crappy managers or crappy workers? Hell, can anyone answer that question. Having worked in the service industry and knowing what both are paid...I'd say both.

I added you to my blogroll, btw. Let me know if you'd like me to take it off.

Da Old Man said...

I appreciate it and want to add you to mine.

Salamat said...

wuahahaha, that was a funny story! oh sorry, I think that was annoying too:(
I always have to sign up at Domino's everytime I order online coz I don't remember my password, lols! I thought there's that forget password button to click, hahaha!
here, when you order through phone or drive thru- it's always hard to understand the Mexican accent, annoying sometimes:(

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

I bet their "hand-tossed" pizza is hand-tossed in some giant factory (probably by mechanical hands), packaged, frozen, and shipped to your local Papa Johns. I'm so glad we don't have them in Canada (or at least NB)... their commercials tick me off.

Julie N said...

I swear I just went through the same thing with Pizza Hut! I couldn't even get logged in online to see the menu, tried calling, but delivery to our area has been changed. They can't deliver to our street, however, they will deliver to our neighbors just one street over! It's one huge community can they cut it off in the middle? UGH! We go to Papa Murphy's now.

John Painz said...

we have to bring back luigi, kill his son, nuke domino's and cut the hands off anyone at papa john's who can't press down just a bit harder on some dough. I'll get right on it.