MMMM, Chocolate Covered Boobs

A few months ago, Cabal leader Chelle, and some other members of Humorbloggersdotcom suggested that I install Google Analytics. A lot of reasons, such as I would be able to learn, I don't know, stuff. Plus it would be interesting to find out how some of my readers discover my blog. Since my goal in life, well at least since I decided to make it os for the last few weeks, has been to become the world's greatest living blogger.

So now, I have a new way to waste time become more useful to my fellow blogger. I spent some time today looking at the search terms used to find my blog, so maybe I can write material more appropriate to my readership base.

Ok, the first term I uncovered was chocolate covered boobs. While that sounds like it would be one of my interests, I don't remember ever blogging about it, erm, them.

Another search term was Oprah's vajayjay. Ok, I understand that as this blog is the "go to" source for up to the minute news about Oprah's vajayjay. And I do promise to continue to provide this service.

"Oldman swinging" I have no idea what they expected to find, but I may have just thrown up in my mouth a little.

"Making of fluffer"

Really now, when did I become the meeting place for Perverts Anonymous?

There is more, but do we really want to know why "High Hefner" or "Hot buttered Sex" brought them here?


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption this; Win Zucchini

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Quizno's Capitulates

The Crotchety Family's boycott of Quizno's has brought the sandwich seller to its collective corporate knees.
You could look it up, but a month or so ago, we decided to boycott Quizno's because I got a crappy sandwich, and the complaint phone number on the receipt went to a pay number to get the real number. When I finally found the place to complain online, I did, and Quizno's

I had no choice but to issue a nationwide boycott of Quizno's. A food fatwa, if you will.

Starting yesterday, they have decided to issue an apology to me by giving free subs. Just sign up, and get one. http://www.millionsubs.com/?NRC=GG_QMIL&NRX=QCON1254

They are giving away a sub to the first million who sign up, and as of late Tuesday night, they were at 175,000. Obviously, there is still some time left, so go and register for your free sub coupon.

While they didn't mention me at all in this giveaway, I'm positive they are doing this just for you, my loyal reader. I did demand ask that they make it up to me by giving free subs. This obviously is their little way of apologizing, and Quizno's, all is forgiven.

And you, my loyal reader, are very welcome.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Montel Williams Sucks

I was going to do a long post on why Montel Williams sucks. Then I realized, no one cares. Everybody already knows it.



Yeah, he'll work for any scamming company endorse any product.

Just check the Google, and you'll find his latest grift, selling Obama coins that are little more than stickers on regular coins.

http://www.katu.com/home/video/39598022.html?video=pop&t=a

Couple that with his last major endorsement, for a company that charges to help poor people get prescription drugs that they could get for free by contacting the drug companies directly, and you have a shill who makes Shamwow Vince seem like Mother Teresa.


http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Some Randomness on a Sunday Morning

We at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have considered going to a magazine blog format. Easing into it with a newspaper one first, what do you think? I like the "Sunday morning with the paper" feeling it gives, but it may be too restricting.



If we go to the magazine format, the Crotchety Old Lady will probably have a section giving snow shoveling pointers, and maybe (for the ladies) a spot here or there giving tips on how to land a smoldering chunk of man meat like me.

And, as usual, we will remain your "go to" source for Oprah's Vajayjay news, and the occasional Richard Simmons updates. Richard has been conspiculously absent from the blog lately. For my new readers, Richard Simmons is the most famous person to ever sweat on me.

Check in tomorrow, for why Montel Williams is a scummy low life.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Another Exciting Night at Casa Crotchety

Friday night. Maybe we should go out dancing. See what movies are playing. Perhaps a little *wink wink nudge nudge*

Or, we could babysit.




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Biggest caption contest ever results in

What a week. The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was hung over from the Valentines Day Chocolates and Cognac Party at HQ, so a few were still missing by voting day. Fortunately, I contacted the local temp agency, and had a couple judges sent over. And this was the biggest contest ever with 70 entries.

The contest was very close as each judge picked a different top caption.
Ettarose, Stanley, Memphisdonna, Dana, Jenn, Lauren, and Marie all got first place votes.

Other captions scoring points were Dizzblnd, IB, MA, Lauren, Staci, the Hawg, Broadway Matron, VE and Paul. Whew!
Oh, and a special shout out to Kirsten, who should have been automatically disqualified for making fun of me.

LOL.

Who gets the coveted Zucchini?





Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your ad for a Health Inspector...

Marie

Second place went to Jenn, and third was Stanley.

Thank you to everyone for making this the best caption contest yet.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Signs of the Apocalypse

Did you ever have one of THOSE days? The type when all you want to do is hide under the covers, only to come out to poop and get more Cheese Doodles?

Today was one of those for me. I then finally crawled out, washed that orange crap off my fingers (seriously, what is that stuff? It is both greasy and sticky) and proceeded to spend the rest of the day reading blogs. By the way, according to my calculations 57% of all blog posts are based upon LOLcats.

Please note the handy pie chart that show my findings



Blue: LOLcats blogs
Pink: Crazy political view blogs
Green: Celebrity blogs
Red: Blogs that are well written and intelligent like yours




http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

www.humorbloggers.com

Two for Tuesday, International Edition

It's been a few weeks since we had a two fer, which means either we are overdue, or I have nothing better to blog about. Let's go with the overdue theory.

While most blogs I read are in standard English, today's recommendations are written in Canadian and British.

The first is by Joel from Stuff and Nonsense. http://joelklebanoff.com/joelsblog2/ This is the blog of a slightly (ok, possibly more than slightly) neurotic Canadian blogger. His unusual take on economics is rivaled only by that of his hockey observations.

The second is by Dan, from Retro Yakking http://retroyakking.today.com/ Dan writes parody, and likes to complain, as he says, even when there is nothing to complain about. And he does it well.

Both of these blogs show the universality of humour. While each shows some hometown flair, the funny crosses the ocean. Or, erm, slides down from the frozen northern part of the Americas.

Both are funny, obviously, and very well writen, and on my list of daily reads.

Enjoy them, and tell them Crotchety sent you for a better seat.


www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety Has Issues

There is a commercial on TV now that makes me so angry, I just yell and curse at the TV.

Seriously.

I'm usually a relatively laid back guy.....Stop, I'm being serious here.

Ok, maybe I do have real anger issues. But nothing brings them out like the Joe Kennedy oil commercial. I don't know if you have seen it, but it is on TV every 12 minutes or so. In it, Joe Kennedy tells us how wonderful he is to help out old people who can't afford to buy oil to heat their homes. And, then, he is shown pulling a heavy hose to make the delivery.

Joe Kennedy is a 55 year old candy ass former rich kid/politician, who couldn't do that job on a bet. Sure, he can pose for a photo op, but I can guarantee he would collapse if he had to do it for a whole day. I used to do that job when I was a young guy, and it is exhausting. I'm just sick of politicians and other schmucks who act as if they are just "regular folks." You've seen them, as they pose with firemen holding an ax, sit in cop cars like they are on patrol, and just generally act like putzes.

It's not funny, it's not realistic, and it sure doesn't make me respect them. Does anyone really believe a friggin Kennedy is out all day doing honest hard work? That would be a first.

Finally, a note to Entrecard droppers: I return every drop, but sometiomes I use my other EC accounts, like my Yankee one, or my Toast one.

www.humorbloggers.com

Crotchety's Bucket List

Everyone knows what a "bucket list" is, and if you don't, it's a list of all one hopes to accomplish before kicking the bucket.

It's funny that the list changes as one ages.

At 18, mine was pretty much full of great things, with a tremendous upside: it included such things as dating super models (I loved Cheryl Tiegs,) backpacking over Europe, writing the great American novel, inventing something to change the world, and becoming filthy rich with my fleet of Ferraris.

I didn't do any of that stuff, though I did date a girl named Cheryl, went to Pennsylvania for a week, read some comic books, acquired a couple Indian head pennies, and currently own two Toyotas.

I'd say I came up kind of short.

It's time to revisit, and revise my list. I need to make it more realistic, and to have more defined goals. Maybe I screwed up and didn't accomplish anything of note because my list was too generalized.

After much thought, here it is, the 2009 version of my bucket list:

1. Go to Pittsburgh, and have a sandwich at Primanti's. How many times can I watch Food Network go there and do a show about one of the greatest sandwiches ever?

Now, this ties in with one of my other items

2. Attend a game at every MLB park. I need to attend a Pirates game, so, I can time it to do both, see a game, and have a sandwich.

3. Buy a classic car, and attend car shows. I've always wanted a '57 Chevy or a '50 Mercury street rod. I'd like to drive it to a show, and just hang with other motorheads.


It's a pretty short list. Suggestions are welcomed to add to it.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety's Tips for Valentine's Day on a Budget

The economy is in the toilet. Money is tight, and we are looking at hard times. But that doesn't mean we can't surprise our special someone with a really nice Valentine's Day chock full of gifts and tokens of love.

I'll share with you what I've done for the Crotchety Old Lady, and you are welcome to use my ideas for your true love.

First, remember, it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts. Anyone could just whip out the charge card, book a flight to Paris or Rome, and have romance ensue. But that has been done to death, at least according to those American Express commercials. And unless you have recently been given a billion dollar bailout, you are like me, and can't afford such extravagance.

We need to go the more traditional route. We need to be more practical. The Mrs. is getting a nice gift, you can be sure of that. Quite a few, in fact.

Before anyone suggests a new snow shovel, I did just get her one last month, and Christmas she got a new blender.
Perhaps a vacuum? Nah, that is more an anniversary gift.

For Valentine's Day, something more frivolous, like flowers. Yeah, I know, you're thinking that they are expensive, but I know where to get them cheap.


And you only need to take rose petals.

And this is key, don't just place entire roses willy nilly about the bed.

Mind those thorns

But the best gift of all is one that is homemade. It comes from the heart, it has meaning.
That's right, you can make your own Valentine's Day card like me.

Do you think Hallmark has ever made anything like this?



It evokes memories of the path that we have gone down. Life with the Crotchety Old Lady is like a sunny day. Every day is like Christmas. With cows.

I'm going to need a moment.............





Thanks.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Check out the entire Valentine's Day carnival at
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Valentine's Day Caption winner announced

In what was one of the more disturbing caption pictures yet, the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship was both nauseated, yet strangely excited to read all the captions.

It was a very close contest, and some new entrants fared very well. First place votes were tallied by Nonamedufus, Humorsmith, Chica, Kevin John, MA Fat Woman, and Lola.

Meanwhile, points were also scored by Swirl Girl, I Hate Commercials, Free the Unicorns, Jormen, Broadway Matron, Dizzblnd, Offended Blogger, and Petra.


New hairstyle with extensions: $135

New digital camera: $55

Passing out after a drunken fight with the wife: priceless
Humorsmith
Second place was Nonamedufus, and third was Lola

Humor gets the Zucchini along with 500 EC credits.



Thank you to everyone for participating.

Coming tomorrow, last minute tips for a memorable Valentine's Day, including Crotchety's extra special secrets to keep that special person in your life happy.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Go to Newark, and Make a Left

A few years ago, I worked in a gas station on Rt 1 northbound in New Jersey. In addition to the sheer joy of pumping gas, checking oil, and washing windshields for customers who were usually angry with me because it was so expensive, (like my name was Joe Exxon) I spent considerable time giving directions to perhaps the dumbest individuals ever to operate a motor vehicle.
I don't mean the person who got lost while looking for Costco, I mean the dumb bastages who couldn't get to Rt 1 Southbound.

Here's a picture, taken from Rt 1 S, and you can see Rt 1 North, right next to it.

About a mile up the road from my gas station job

And, all day long, cars would stop in and ask how to get to Rt 1 South.

Pretty confusing, because in NJ we have these wacky signs indicating where all turns can be made.

Wonder what this sign means?

The drivers must have assumed that the little wall goes all the way from Maine to Florida, I guess.

But, I really enjoyed that we were near a turn off for another busy road. Constantly, dumbasses distracted drivers missed the turn. Often, they would pull in and ask me how to get back to the road they missed. It was pretty simple, just go up a few hundred feet and take the next turn, but the really friggin stupid adventurous ones backed down the road, against oncoming and heavy 55 MPH traffic. The occasional accidents made my day.

Usually, my fellow pump jockeys and I gave accurate directions, even when the drivers asking were jerks. But, one day, I was just pushed over the edge. Yeah, it's usually not that far, but anyway...

It was pouring rain. Windy and nasty. A horrible day to work outside. We were sitting in the office (the station was an older one, and didn't have the little shack most of them have today) and a woman pulled up about 100 feet away, and started flashing her lights and a blowing her horn. I went out because, it could have been a regular customer, and maybe she was having a problem.

In case my mood wasn't foul enough already, she just wanted directions. She didn't get the standard "jerk directions" to go to Newark, and make a left. Hers were much more customized and rather "colorful."

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This; Valentine's Day Edition

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Time to Man Up

Not only am I one of the manliest men in the blogosphere, I also am recognized as one of the most knowledgeable about wimmin and their behavior. It is a combination of a natural gift, coupled with years of study.

Can you imagine how upsetting it is when I wanted to fill in on another blog, one where it is a weekly feature to give the viewpoint in a "he said, she said" format and I was asked to submit a writing sample?


Yeah, I know. I was shocked, too.

*sigh*

But I did, and today, in a fight to the death, I will compete to win this plum non paying non job. Youse are welcome, no, more like encouraged, to stop by sometime today, and explain to Petra that I am wicked awesome, and should be the manly man chosen.
http://www.thewiseyoungmommy.blogspot.com/

And, in other news, my post dedicated to my friend, Soccer Mom, was chosen as the best Soccer Mom's Birthday thread the other day. While I like winning stuff, I really only wrote it because Kirsten is a terrific lady.

If I came in second, I would have been fine.



http://www.humorbloggers.com/

A Very Quirky Interview

Last night, through a strange bit of circumstances, and incredible luck, I found myself alone in a chatroom with a really great humorblogger from http://www.humorbloggers.com/.

It was just me and Quirkyloon, and she agreed to an interview on the spot.

I think youse will like this as she is very funny, and more of her interesting take on life can be found at http://www.quirkyloon.com/

COM: Are you more Quirky, or Loony?

QL: I look beyond the quirky until I find the loony.

COM: So what is one of your quirkiest things you do?

QL: I love to sing opera at home, doing chores, and when out in public.

This required a follow up

COM: In public? You mean, on stage?

QL: No, while walking the grocery store aisles, I get lots of weird looks. One time, a security guard follwed me around the store. I don't think he appreciated my quirkiness.

COM: How long have you been blogging?

QL: I started in May, 2008. I started reading entertainment blogs and one day decided to google humor blogs. I started reading (don't faint or hate me) a Mom blog which clued me to this huge world of blogging. The more I read, the more I realized I was not one of those perfect, cute, and funny Moms. So I started looking for blogs that were more "real" in my mind. Found some and decided, "Hey I can do this!" I just have fun with myself and hopefully others (whenever I get read...and I think I do get read...occasionally.)

Quirky is being modest. She has a very nice and loyal following.

I'm trying to stretch my creativity and hone my writing skills. I like to tell a silly story. So I make a lot of stuff up! Imagine that (pun intended!)

COM: Who are you favorite humor writers?

QL: I like Dave Barry, and Erma Bombeck --she lived in Arizona, you know.

COM: Am I your favorite blogger, or just you favorite humor blogger?

QL: You are DEFINITELY my favorite humor blogger. (fingers crossed behind my back)

COM: Lastly, anything you want to add? Doesn't matter, anything at all.

QL: I'm always looking for laughs in all the wrong and right (another pun) places!

I hope you enjoyed my quick interview with Quirky. If you happen to find yourself in the AZ area, and see a woman singing opera while meandering through stores, the odds are pretty good that you have already met her through this interview.

And, don't forget, anyone who agreed to an interview, please send me an email. My address is on the side.

www.humorbloggers.com

You Say It's Your Birthday

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Beatles White Album

Happy Birthday to William Tecumseh Sherman, Jules Verne, Gary Coleman, and of course, Kirsten D, the Soccer Mom, one of my absolute favorite bloggers around. Yes, that is her avatar on my TV screen.

Yet only one of these famous people is turning, ermmm,

40

I know, I can't believe it either. America's favorite Soccer Mom, the ref's worst nightmare, has turned the big

Four Oh.

as in "Oh my gawd, she's a for real adult, now."

It's not that bad. Truly. She will get over it. She could easily pass for a woman many years younger, and if needed, we all know Kirsten can still put the smackdown on any of the obnoxious women at soccer games, and drink any of the wimpy soccer dads under the table.

Just keep that Pimp cup filled, yo

And stop by her blog for the best in parenting tips, reality TV updates, and redneck shenanigans. Hers is a humor blog that I read every single day.

Be sure to wish her a most happy 40th. She'll be partying like a rock star all weekend.


http://momjeansblogger.blogspot.com/

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

I'm being stalked

By my old cell phone company. In addition to daily emails, I also get phone calls on my home phone, and they are tricky.
The prompt says that if "You don't wish to hear from Trikphone any longer, press one." The prompt then says, "Welcome to Trikphone" and then starts to go into a spiel to hook me up with the phone service.

Bastages.

And I still get called a couple times a week about my timeshare.

"Would you like to sell if I can guarantee you a profit?"

No.

"Would you like to buy more time?"

So, that must mean someone is selling at a profit, which means I get ripped off, because I could just buy it from the original company (Wyndham Properties, which is doing quite well, BTW.)

If it weren't for telemarketers, no one calls, so I do look forward to hearing from them.

Any suggestions on how to mess with them?

www.humorbloggers.com

Oprah's Va Jay Jay update

Before we get to the big Oprah's Va Jay Jay news (and it's big--the news not her va jay jay, though I have no idea, really)

First, the caption contest winner announcements.

It was a close contest, as usual. And with over 40 captions, it was tough for the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship.

There were 7 captions that received first place votes; Secondary Roads, Humorsmith, Lauren, The Hawg, Kirsten, Jen, and Marie.

Points were also scored by MA Fat Woman, Fashiona, Chica, I Hate Commercials, Ahem, and Stacie.



The winner, in the closest contest yet was



The new St. Pauli Girls
By Lauren

Second place went to Marie, and third was Kirsten. I don't usually award second and third place prizes, but they were so good, and it was so close, I'll be passing them out this week.

Now, onto Oprah Va Jay Jay news. I was Googling that search term the other day (yeah, too much free time) and saw that her va jay jay has its own website
http://www.oprahsvajayjay.com/

The woman is even more ambitious that ever.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Principal's Office

As everyone knows, I watch a lot of TV. Just look at my avatar, and it's obvious I've been doing this for a while.

You could say I'm somewhat of a TV expert. So, when I find a new show, and give it a thumbs up, make sure you look for it. truTV has a show that is currently among my favorites. It is called the Principal's Office and is on Thursday at 10 p.m. EST. Check your guide for time. It is available at other times, too. Cable channels are like that.

The show is a reality based one, where various high school principals across the country are recorded dealing with their students discipline situations.

As expected, these are mostly funny problems. The sad part is, they are probably pretty typical. While watching the show, I thought about the Spawn's high school years, and I could see her in all these situations. One such episode was a student called into the office for leaving school grounds. Her excuse? It was just to get coffee. The sheer cluelessness of the students is what makes it so entertaining.

Kids had food delivered for lunch, rode bikes or skateboards through the school and engaged in what can only be described as dumbass shenanigans. And, when caught, could only make up lame excuses, or claim ignorance. How would one know it is inappropriate to scooter in the hallways if it isn't posted? That is a typical defense.

Give the show a watch. I'll bet it becomes one of your favorites, too.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Caption This

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Bruce Springsteen, just another yappy jerk

Before I get to Bruce Springsteen, I'd like to let everyone know this is a two fer, as youse are getting two yappy putzes (putzi?) for one admission price.

Springsteen has been one to lecture everyone for years. There is something about celebrities. It seems they just can't help themselves, as they need to tell everyone what to do and how to live. One of Bruce's favorite topics has been worker's rights. He is quick to tell us how business needs to treat everyone better. Bruce likes to tell us how to vote, who to donate money to, and really, just about everything except how not to cheat on one's spouse. Hey, he's not perfect, just better than us.
Anyway, it seems ol' Bruce is releasing a greatest hits album (yes, another one) and it is a WalMart Exclusive. You know, the same WalMart with policies that the Boss always speaks out against. Suddenly, WalMart is okie dokie with him.

Oh wait, he apologized to his fans, so it is all good now. Of course he'll take the money, but he is going to feel slightly bad about it, I'm sure. But what I really enjoyed was Bruce trying to act as if he was "one of us" by performing at the Super Bowl half time show, throwing in a couple football terms into "Glory Days" and announcing that he was "Going to Disney Land." I wonder if anyone should tell the putz that the Super Bowl MVP doesn't say that. I don't think they ever have. They announce that they are going to Disney World. Yeah, he's one of us. If I hear about his background from the streets of New Jersey one more time, I'm probably going to throw up. That was 40 years ago. He lives in New Jersey still, but I'd be arrested just driving through his uber exclusive 'hood.

The next is Al Gore, Mr. Green Jeans himself. He just loves to tell everyone what to do about global warming and how we need to be more environmentally conscious. How close we are to the "tipping point."
Nice to know he just picked up a new custom made 100' long houseboat. It is environmentally friendly (supposedly) and uses less energy than other 100' long houseboats. The cost is estimated to be between $500,000 and $1,000,000. Telling us what to do has been very, very good for Al Gore.

Telling us what to do pays well

I'm just guessing that the boat is about 15' wide, which makes it around 1500 sq feet. Or about the size of a 3 bedroom home, which is the size of the home many of us probably lived in when we were kids.


I recently interviewed Shadow Crystal, who is one of my first blogger friends. Make sure you check it out.
http://internettreasuretrove.blogspot.com/2009/01/so-i-in-hot-seat.html

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Happy Groundhog Day

I'm not going to tell you about Punxsutawney Phil or Beau, the South's groundhog. To be honest, it is all legend, and based upon superstition.

New Jersey decided a few years ago to have their own season forecasting weather rat, which they named Simms, after Giants great Phil Simms. Apparently, Phil is the name of choice for oversized Northeast rodents. After a couple years, they realized how dumb it was, and I like to think they let the rat free, to roam the vast woodlands of NJ. More than likely, the stupid thing ran out on Route 1 and was road pizza in less than an hour.

But no, I need to tell you about Groundhog Day, one of the most important movies ever.

The first real date I ever went on with the Crotchety Old Lady was to see Groundhog Day.

It was a magical night. Ok, as magical as a night in a New Jersey movie theater with a bucket of popcorn and a Dr. Pepper can get. We met in the parking lot, giddy that we got away from our respective families for the night.

Once inside, we acted like a couple of lovestruck spit swapping teenagers.

At the end of the film, we exited the theater, and sat in our cars and chatted for hours, until eventually, we had to go our seperate ways. And, just like in the movie, we kept meeting again, until we I got it right.



Check back tomorrow to see why Bruce Springsteen is just another yappy, self aggrandizing celebrity putz.
http://www.humorbloggers.com/

It's Super Sunday

Did you notice the term



is used almost haphazardly?

Most advertisers refer to it as the "Big Game." Did you ever wonder why?

The reason, and don't laugh because it is this stupid, the NFL owns the rights to "Sooper Bowl" and demands payment for its use. So, while everybody and their brother knows which game is being spoken of, yet won't use the term, in order to not have to pay for it.

Kind of reminds you of a religious practice of not taking the name of the Higher Power in vain. And football is a religion by most accepted standards. The congregation meets at an appointed time, engages in ritualistic behavior, has faith that their team will win (unless they are Lions fans) and many build small shrines in their homes to reinforce their belief system.

Great plays are given names like the Immaculate Reception, and, every so often, a team like the 2007-8 Giants or Joe Nameth's Jets will pull a miracle and beat a team that is considered much better.

Tomorrow is a day of many parties, lots of food, a Feast Day, as it were. Think Christmas or Easter, but with nachos and pizza instead of ham or turkey.

Have a great day. And may Vince Lombardi Bless you.

Game coverage starts at 6:30 AM with Mike and Mike on ESPN 2.

Kickoff is a mere 11 1/2 hours later.

http://www.humorbloggers.com/

Crotchety's Tips for winter

We have gotten hit with snow storms recently, and it's time to share some of my sure fire helpful tips for dealing with harsh weather.

It should be pointed out that shoveling snow is very good exercise, and helps the Crotchety Old Lady keep her womanly, if slightly Rubenesque, figure. I'm sure she appreciates the opportunity to get in a nice workout in what is usually a time of the year that many find it hard to do so.



First, before going out to shovel snow, it is important to have a good breakfast. This is the most important meal of the day, and can't be stressed too much. So, after I make my breakfast, I insist that the Crotchety Old Lady make herself something that will stick to her ribs like oatmeal or eggs. After she finishes the dishes, it is vital that she dress for the weather. I don't want her to catch a cold or something that will wind up forcing her to be laid up in bed or to miss work.

Layers are crucial. Bulky coats make it hard to shovel, and as she works up a sweat, she could get too warm, which is nearly as dangerous as being too cold.

And don't forget proper equipment. The Crotchety Old Lady deserves the best that money can buy, so I got her

Nothing is too good for her

Once she is ready to face the elements, I make sure that she has her earmuffs, mittens, scarf, and a warm hat.

And then comes the most essential part--I encourage her to go out and shovel the walkways. That's right, the key element in snow removal is mine as "The Encourager."

I remind her to take out the brush for cleaning off my car, and shove help her out the door.

A few hours later, after cleaning the walks and properly salting them, and cleaning the car, she comes in and the first thing I do is remind her to make some tea. It will help warm her up, and, well, opening the door gives me a slight chill. So, it's kind of win-win. And it gives her a chance to do something for me, which she really enjoys.

But, of course, I do tend to rush her a bit because she needs to go to work. And she'll appreciate that the walkways are nice and clean, too.

You are probably thinking that I do too much for her, but she deserves it. And by now, everyone knows I just give and give, it's just my nature.


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Contest Winner Announced; Blogosphere Shocked

The staff at Crotchety Old Man Worldwide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship have all cast their ballots, and talk about a surprise. The 2 Donnas voted nearly identically, which nearly guaranteed a win for the cationer lucky enough to make them both laugh. And someone did.

But first, the wrap up. Points were scored by Offended Blogger, Dani, MA, Swirl, Rubba, Tahtimbo, FishHawk, Kathy, and Alicia. First place points were tallied by Reforming, Angry Max, and Dizzblnd. But the winner, with more than half of the first place votes was:



Mary had a fairy lamb, it's fleece was gay as dayglo.
By LL

He gets the Zucchini



Second place goes to Dizzblnd, and third was Reforming Geek.

Congratulations to everyone, and thanks for making this a great contest again.

Be sure to stop by tomorrow for winter tips for snow shoveling while staying safe and warm.

Also, anyone who wanted to be interviewed as per the previous post, please send me your email address. Mine is listed on the side. Thanks.


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Happy Birthday Oprah

Oprah is the smartest person on the planet. Easily.



Think about it for a minute: she has millions of fans, all of whom worship love her because they believe she is just like them. They read what she reads, they donate to who she donates, and they buy what she buys.

Oprah makes, according to estimates, between 260 and 385 million dollars a year, and has managed to convince millions of fans that she is just like them. BTW, can you imagine making so much money that estimates can be off by as much as $120,000,000 per year? And, in case you are wondering, yes, she is easily a billionaire. Most estimates put her considerable fortune at over 1.3 billion. Just like all her fans.

About all they share with her is a va jay jay, but don't tell them that.

I can say that, because I doubt she has many fans who have twigs and berries. *Wink wink nudge nudge* you know what I mean? She managed to convince her public that she was apolitical. Considering that she did everything but sodomize Obama on the Tom Cruise couch

it was a tribute to her genius.

About the only other thing she has in common with these adoring mutants fans is an ongoing battle with her weight.

Conveniently, she got fat just as some of her audience caught on that perhaps she was less than up front about her political involvement.

But damn, we all love a fat and upset Oprah.


Happy Birthday, Oprah

Have some. It's good for ratings

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Caption This

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Best Whacking Day Ever

Every other month or so is Whacking Day in the Crotchety household.

Not that kind

I go to see Doctor Sergi, who takes a scalpel or really expensive clippers and whacks at my foot for a while. This procedure is called debriding (pronounced either as debreeding or de bride ing,) which is kind of funny because my foot never was a bride, nor did it ever breed. I prefer to call it whacking.

Anyway, after whacking, my toe nails get clipped, and then comes the really bizarre part, he uses a

Dremel Moto tool

to finish them off. It's just a strange experience.

But this was a good day.

The Spawn drove me to Subway, and while she was inside getting me my 5 dollar foot long, what should blow past my car, but a crisp Andrew Jackson.

Sweet.

So, I'm cutting this short, and need to search for a picture for tomorrow's caption. It will be a good one.

Be afraid.


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I'm Usually Against Beating Kids but...

I'm pretty annoyed with commercials, TV shows, movies, and every other form of media where the kids are seen as in control. The latest commercial for the Chevy Traverse is just one more example. I've included the link in case you haven't seen this 30 seconds of annoying kid chatter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYNFX2QLGWM

The kid wants respect. The kid wants the bigger vehicle. The kid wants the other seat. The kid wants...

I want the kid to shut the hell up. What 8 year old kid should have the final word on a nearly $30,000 purchase? Does this kid have a job? (I guess acting in commercials could be a job, but TV is expecting me to suspend belief and think this is a more or less normal, runny-nose brat.)

The days of Leave it to Beaver family life is long past, and that isn't the issue. In nearly every commercial, every show, every movie--the Dad, any male figure, really, is a dunce, and the kids run the household, while Mom may or may not have any input.

Seriously, what the heck is wrong with directors/writers/producers that they put kids in charge? I don't like, but understand, marketing toys, Happy Meals, and cereal to kids, but cars?

I've had enough of the precocious little pests, have you?


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What's for lunch at Casa Crotchety?

I felt great yesterday when I read the Jannaverse and noted that to celebrate National Peanut Butter Day, she listed several weird things folks put on their peanut butter sandwich besides the standard jelly.
Sure, there were some weird things like PB & mustard, but I was happy to see my personal favorite, peanut butter and tomato, was listed. This is absolutely my favorite sandwich ever. At times, I've gone several weeks straight eating it for lunch every day. Occasionally, I'll kick it up a notch and add jalapeno peppers to it, along with the tomato.

Apparently, this is considered a slightly unusual thing, so I got to wondering if anyone thought any of my other food combinations were uncommon.

More than once, it has been pointed out that the way I eat French Toast is bordering on disgusting. I've seen plenty of others top theirs with butter and sugar or syrup. I use ketchup. It makes perfect sense, as it is eggs and toast (aka a gussied up egg sandwich,) and what goes on an egg sandwich but ketchup? Very few see it my way.

Thinking about it, I put ketchup on nearly everything. I don't eat a lot of animal parts, but those I do eat usually get covered in the 57 Varieties stuff. Beef? Of course. Chicken? Who doesn't? Fish? Only way I can eat it. Pork? What else goes on sausage with pepper and onions or even a ham sandwich? Is it even possible to eat peas, mushrooms, or potatoes without ketchup? I'll never risk it.

What odd foods do you eat?


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Has PETA gone too far?

By now, I'm sure everyone has heard that PETA is trying to change the name of fish to "sea kittens" so kids won't eat fish. I wish I could make up stuff this funny.

So, now, I wonder what land kittens taste like.

Oh wait, never mind. I'm pretty sure I already know.



But with Valentine's Day coming, I have started to worry about the living beings among us who have no voice, the flowers. Roses, for example are brutally sliced off the Mother plant, and the lucky ones are stuck in a vase, gasping for nutrition, until they finally die slowly, a petal at a time dropping off. I'm going to need a minute here......


Thanks.

We must care about the petal endowed. Does not a petunia scream when it is cut down in the prime of it's life? Have you ever seen a tulip as it's lifeblood seeps out?

I have, and it's not pleasant I tell you.

Stop murdering mums, bludgeoning begonias, and ravaging roses. Flowers deserve the chance to live out their lives in peace and harmony. You just can't spell petal without PETA. They need to get on this ASAP.

Flora kittens need love, too.



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The Judges have Spoken

In a very close decision, the judges at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship made the tough choice.
This was the biggest contest yet, with 50 entries. The judges had to put in overtime to reach a concensus. And they did.

Before we announce the winner of the first caption contest of the Obama Administration, it is necessary to give props to all those who racked up points. John, Rubba, Jormen, Lord Loser, Reforming Geek, Jenn, Humorsmith, Staci, and Marvel all scored.


"Dude, how long have we been passed out"?
MA Fat Woman

She wins the Zucchini, along with 500 entrecard credits.



A very close second place went to Kevin John, and Paul was third.

I'm still waiting for the Crotchety Old Lady to get her camera all set up with the stupid batteries. I'm making a list of stuff to take pictures of so youse can go with me on a photo journal trip through Central New Jersey, and, of course, get to see the legendary Rutherford B Hayes kidney stone.
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Catching up on Stuff

The first interview should be posted on the The Hawg's blog today. I'm sure his answers will be very interesting as he writes one of the best and most entertaining blogs.

Is everyone sick of the Obama Inauguration and Presidency yet? At least the ridiculous amount of coverage? Does CNN do anything any more except cover every movement by Mr. Obama?

The lead story on the PBS news? "Day 2 of the Obama Presidency." How long will this unbelievably ridiculous amount of coverage last? Approval polls are out based upon nothing. Give the guy a chance for heaven's sake. What is the point of keeping anyone under a microscope like this?

And while I'm busy complaining about things, how many times a day do I have to see the commercial about polar bears starving due to whatever the heck it is I am doing wrong? What would happen if all the polar bears died off? Would the world become over run wth seals or penguins or salmon or whatever they eat when they aren't chasing Sarah Palin? Is there a downside to this? Everyone likes seals and penguins, while polar bears are are the murderous coke whores of the animal kingdom.

I'd kill you for a Coke

Make sure you check out The Natural State Hawg's interview, and I'll be getting out the questions for everyone else ASAP. Have a happy day 3 of the Obama Presidency.


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Caption This

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Crotchety Gets Interviewed

Patricia from Subjective Soup interviewed me and asked me 5 questions. Here are her questions and my answers.

1. Your profile says you are 90. That can't possibly be true, can it? You seem much younger.

I usually pick the oldest age that the system allows. On some bios, I'm 108.
I am younger than that: however, in the fields in which I work, and the jobs I've had, I am usually the oldest person in the group.
I went back to college in my 40's, so in every class, I was the old man.

2. I get that you're crotchety, but isn't there something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy? What is it?

I'm fairly crotchety, but my family makes me warm and fuzzy. And puppies.

3. You have four blogs. How do you do it?

My main blog I update daily, the others are a bit more sporadically. I decided to do four because they are so different. I didn't think most readers would want to read about the Yankees and diabetes on a humor blog. I try to keep my blogs as almost separate worlds. I keep up by having no life. :)

4. Your profile says you like polka music. Does that mean you know how to polka? Could you teach us?

Not really. I'm more a fan of classic Rock and Roll, but polka music makes me happy, too. I couldn't dance it if I had to save my life.

5. Of all the things that make you crotchety, what is the worst?

Blatant stupidity, mixed with arrogance. I'm sure we all run into the person who explains the obvious, and gets it wrong anyway. That drives me nuts. Or they ask a question, and argue with your answer. I've had drivers ask me for directions, and then dispute what I told them. Almost made me forget which one of us was lost.

If anyone would like to be interviewed by me, leave me a comment, or email me. The address is on the side. Just put something in the subject so I know it's you. The interview will be personalized based upon your blog.

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Crotchety the Etymologist

I pay attention to words, how they are used, what they mean, and that stuff. I guess I could be a junior etymologist. I like words, but I'm not really committed to them.

Anyway, some words are starting to just really annoy me. The current one is "historical." I get it, Obama is the first President with African roots, or whatever the heck the press has decided is so historical. Our first black President? Our first half black President? Whatever, anyway, every single thing he does is historical.

Ok, by definition, isn't everything everyone does historical? Could the word be any more overused? Is there anyone in America left who doesn't realize that everything Obama does will be the first time he does it as President? It's all historical. Enough with the historical hysteria.

The next word that is really getting on my last nerve is "natural." Pizza Hut has an all natural pizza, with natural pepperoni. Yeah, I hate those other pizza joints that sell pizza with fake pepperoni.

And what the heck is a natural ingredient? The pizza could be made from whale testes and sewage sludge and would be natural.

Do you know what is in natural pepperoni? Do you want to know? I'd guess not. Do you care? If you did, you probably wouldn't eat pepperoni, natural or otherwise.

And I leave you with this: Am I the only one bothered by commercials in favor of high fructose corn syrup? The average American consumes 40 lbs of that crap per year, and the commercial states it's fine in moderation. What is moderation? We currently consume nearly a pound per week per person. No wonder we are so fat. No one ever explained moderation. Maybe the commercial should state that, too.


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