Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Growing Up Dorky

Warning: Adultish content ahead

I haven’t always been the bon vivant and manly man of the world that I am today. At one time, believe it or not, I was a dork.

Oh yeah, I know you are finding that hard to believe, with me being a star high school athlete and everything. You never knew I was an athlete, did you?

Varsity chess, baby. My senior year, I even played second board most tournaments and occasionally first board. For those of you not familiar with chess team play, that is like being the star running back of the football team, or the third batter on the baseball team. And on sports awards night, I was given a varsity letter.

That’s why I got all the babes. Nothing turns on a cheerleader more than seeing a felt castle looking thing on your high school jacket.

Photobucket
Sorry to get the ladies so worked up


I’m the George Washington of bloggers. I know I write a lot of improbable things here, but, the overwhelming majority of it is 100% sorta true. I may exaggerate a bit for comedic effect at times, but my life is messed up enough that it isn’t necessary that often.

For instance, I never really got that many babes. I know that’s hard to believe with me being so darned studly today.

I always considered myself to be Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius, but I was more like
Photobucket
“Loopy Doopy Doopah Doopah do“


Yeah. I hate to admit it, but a lot used to get by me.

Like one time, I was in the grocery store, and my friend introduced me to his co-worker. Let’s call her Sally, mainly because I have no idea what her name was. He then went off to stock potato chips, or whatever he was doing before I stopped by.

So, it was just me and Sally in aisle 8. After cracking a joke or two--I was smooth--she put her hand down my pants. I stopped her, it was the middle of the grocery store with shoppers all around, after all. So anyway, later I was telling my friend about it. He thought it meant she liked me, and would be interested in going out or something.

I told him, and I swear I’m not making this up, “No, she was just a friendly girl.”

I never asked her out because I was a dork and I thought she would turn me down.

Believe it or don’t, but this has actually happened a couple times in my life. No, not the hands down the pants thing, but women giving me signals that I missed. That’s why I feel so badly for women and have helped them try to understand the male mind.

I only wish someone would try to help me understand the female mind.

By the way, I was a guest blogger on a sports blog yesterday. You can read here about my hatred of the Red Sox.

http://tommybuettnerbloggingbaseball.blogspot.com/2008/08/guest-blog.html

Coming tomorrow: Caption this

Humor-Blogs.com

30 comments:

Drowsey Monkey said...

ahahahaha....

hands down the pants is quite the freaking signal! hell, I think it might even be illegal,or something, LOL.

Just a friendly girl...! HAHAHAHA!

Da Old Man said...

@ Drowsey: I've mentioned before that I have issues. This would be one of them.

JD and Lucy said...

I must admit that castle is very suggestive in a phallic way and whatnot.

~Lucy

catatonickid said...

LMAO I like your attention to detail Aisle 8. Too funny.

I suppose it'd at least be a very pleasant surprise when it finally does click though 'eh ;)

Jay said...

ROFL! Yeah, you and me both, Old Man. I missed signals all over the place. Funnily enough, I just talked about that on Baino's Banter. Seems a popular subject today!

Lauren said...

You and a million other men are ALWAYS missing signals. It's your puny egos that get ya everytime and send the nice ones like Drowsey and me packin' ;-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Friendly girl or, um... well, did you ever find out her profession? I mean, could it be that your friend might have been setting you up with, um, a, er, Lady of the Day-Old Produce?

Just sayin'...

Or else she was from some other country where shaking hands wasn't their way of greeting...

Da Old Man said...

@ JD: Hmm. Maybe I was sending out suggestive signals. I had no idea.

@ Catatonic: Unfortunately, it didn't click until months later,and by that time I had started shopping for my Funyons and Slim Jims at 7-11.

@ jay: Funny how that works out, isn't it?

@ lauren: I know. That's why I dated some bimbos. The women who flirted with me assumed I was way more sophisticated than I actually had been.

@ Jenn: No, my buddy would have pointed it out to me.
I would give merit to your second idea, but I'm pretty sure she was from New Jersey.

blaine_fridley said...

heeheehee...
seriously, what DID you consider a signal in high school?

Da Old Man said...

@ Blaine: I required something like, "I would like you to take me out next week, and you can have your way with me. By having you way with me, I mean that you can..." I needed specifics.

I didn't date much, and I'm starting to think it was my fault.

momjeansblogger said...

I HAVE to know! How do you respond when someone puts their hands down your pants out of nowhere? Did you say something or just run away?

Da Old Man said...

@ Momjeans: I gingerly pulled her hand out.

Told her I really needed to see my friend in the potato chip aisle.
And then I ran away. :)

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

sounds like you should add "Chick Magnet" to your resume. Or online adult profile anyway. :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Sandy: LOL.

Skip said...

My full support to you on the Red Sox slamming. Hate 'em, too.

dani c said...

That's funny....who would have thought that you were a dork..huh

Da Old Man said...

@ Skip: Awesome

@ dani: Yeah, I grew out of it, I guess. :)

The Offended Blogger said...

Ha! If only you had joined the Debate team, all the chicks would have been putty in your hands.

I mean, we DO love to argue, you know. :p

The Hypocritical One said...

Cleanup on aisle 8....funny.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Be careful what you wish for -- I'm convinced that anyone who understands the "female mind" is killed instantly.

Some secrets are not to be shared.

I've been married twice and I still have no clue...

The Natural State Hawg

Da Old Man said...

@ Offended: I've never won an argument with a woman yet. I've found even if I think I win, I lose.

@ Hypocritical one: Pretty close to that

@ Natural State Hawg: Yeah, I'm on thesecong go round. And I'm no closer to solving the female mind than understanding nuclear fission.

Tommy Buettner said...

Dude!!!

you mean you turned down the "Tickle your pickle" routine in the Spice aisle?

Joe, Joe, Joe...

Da Old Man said...

@ Tommy: It was just too weird a situation.

TheFLy said...

Haha, EPIC FAIL. haha.

Old man, if I was your buddy back in.....the 1890s, right, I would have definitely helped ya with understanding and deciphering the signals.

If a girl put her hands down my pants I would have been like, screw it, lets do it right here on Aisle 8, I dont care. Right up against the Coco Puffs and Fruity Pebbles, haha.

It sounds like if a girl flash her breasts to you with the words "take me Joe" you would probably be thinking to yourself, um "does that mean she likes me or only her breasts like me?" haha

buzz buzz

Da Old Man said...

@ The Fly: You're not too far off the mark on all points. But if she said "Take me," I would have asked "Where," and assumed she didn't have cab fare.

Jane said...

The female mind is far too complex for you to understand. If you'll just remember that we're always right -- that would help a great deal.

Da Old Man said...

@ Jane: Why do women always tell me that?

J-D from hoeno...not Lucy said...

Crotchety says: ''@ JD: Hmm. Maybe I was sending out suggestive signals. I had no idea.''

I say: ''Hey! That was Lucy's comment! She signed it and everything, look! Geeze, you're going to give me the wrong reputation around here Crotchety!''

PS: I'll never play chess again.

Da Old Man said...

@ JD, not Lucy: Sorry for the mix up.

Marie said...

Hand down the pants!!! (Smacking self upside the head) Why didn't I ever think of that?!?!

Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong all this time. I've been too subtle.

Maybe with this technique I WILL have a date for my son's wedding in six weeks.

Thanks Joe!!