Monday, August 04, 2008

So, Joe

What is your profession, so we know what kind of job you are out of now?

My friend Bill asked me this a few years ago, and I was kind of stumped. My employment history is kind of, ummm, checkered, to say the least.

I haven’t just had a lot of different jobs, I’ve had a crap load of different careers. Fortunately, when filling out a resume or job application, they only ask to go back a couple jobs.
Here’s mine, so we can figure out exactly what kind of work I’m out of now.

When I was a kid, I had a paper route. That isn’t a job with a career track, so I eventually moved on and gave it up, coincidentally to a kid named Joe.

When I was in high school, I worked winters part-time on a truck. I delivered kerosene, I did the grunt work, and someone else did the driving.

Then I went to college for about 15 minutes, and hated every second of it. I dropped out, and entered the exciting world of fast food in lower management.

That didn’t work out well, so I became a truck driver. Back to delivering kerosene and home heating fuel oil.
Because it’s pretty seasonal, I learned the art of cleaning and repairing boilers. It was a family business, and if you ever worked for family, you can imagine how that went.
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So, it was on to in house collections for a Fortune 500 company. I won’t reveal what company it was, but they own a mighty fine blimp. The job was terrible, and I quit. I went to unemployment, and told them my tale. Normally, if one quits without cause, they will either not pay or will penalize the person and withhold payments. Before I quit, I made copies of documents that proved they were bastages. The company didn’t appreciate that, so I was summoned to court. Bottom line, judge told me to be sure no one should see the papers, and told the company to shut up. All in legalese, of course.
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I worked in a warehouse loading trucks for one day. I don't do physical for minimum wage.

I worked in a pizzaria for a while. That was ok, but the owner kept getting arrested, so I decided it was time to move on.
I started my own business. I was in the auto parts business, and did well. But there was a paradigm shift in the industry, and what I did became more or less obsolete.

Then I went to a social services agency. It was great. I was happy. The pay was decent, the hours were perfect.
So, the company restructured, and my supervisor didn’t have the documentation to maintain her position, so she bid on mine.
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I wound up working in a gas station for my buddy, Joe, for a few months. How long could I keep explaining to lost drivers that to get on the other side of the road, just go a few hundred feet up the road to the U turn. And how many times a day could I say “No, I’m not going to draw you a map for that, dumbass.”

At the same time, I was back to delivering newspapers in the early morning. I was late with the papers on Christmas morning, and some jerks called and complained. Rather than start throwing rocks at houses, I quit that job.
fire
I have anger issues


I then started another business, a pizzaria. Things were going great, until the city it was in had riots. The riots ended due to the worst heat wave in our state’s history. Yeah, I know, only you, Joe.

So, I started working in an auto parts store. Didn’t know the manager was crazy. One day, he set fire to my desk, so I left.

On to another social services agency, doing asleep overnights. What a perfect job. I was paid to sleep. Sweet. This left me with plenty of day hours with nothing to do.

So, I started to work for the cable company, too. Inside sales/customer service. I’m really uncomfortable lying all day long, so eventually, I was asked to leave. My supervisor talked them out of escorting me out using police.
Why do I get a reputation as being slightly unstable?

I stayed at the asleep overnight job until they decided I had to stay awake, just in case anyone woke up and needed anything.

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I worked in a grocery store for a week. I left and they kept calling asking me to come back. I told them I could have people make me feel bad about myself for higher pay somewhere else.

I went back to school and got my teaching degree.

I stayed at the same agency from the overnight and worked in a day program. Supposed to have 4 workers, and 20 clients. Most days had 2 workers and nearly 30 clients.

I then became a substitute teacher in a couple districts, and started working in a tutoring center.
I got a job in a private school. That lasted a month. The Principal said things were just so confusing, she had to make changes. Not that the confusion was her fault. Most schools drastically change their schedules every other day for the first 3 weeks, don’t they? By the way, Sister Joan, the Principal, was transferred a few weeks after letting me go. Gee, maybe it wasn’t me after all. How bad do you have to be to get fired when you’re a nun?

Next, I worked in a mid-level position in a social services agency. The pay was ok, but the job was terrible. Actually the job was mind numbingly dull, and the supervisor was referred to by me as the Incubus, and her supervisor was the Succubus. Every week or so, the Incubus filed termination papers for me, and I had to go in to HR and prove that the supervisor was lying.

That was fun.

Eventually, while I was on sick leave, half my department was eliminated. You just know I was in the half that got eliminated.

I was then only working at the tutoring center. I called out sick January, 2007, so I‘m not sure if I still work there or not.

So, what job am I out of right now?

Anyone with the patience to read all this deserves something. Leave a comment to answer my question, and I'll put your name in a drawing for some entrecard credits. Or I'll help you with your resume. I'm good at them.

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Humor-Blogs.com

30 comments:

HEALTH NUT WANNABEE MOM said...

wow! I wish that I could have worked with you at one of those jobs. You sound just like someone I would love to sit around and complain about the boss with all day. You deserve an award or something for all that. Why is it you leave me with either shock or a smile on my face each time I visit?

Da Old Man said...

@ Health nut Mom: I get that a lot.
lol

dani c said...

Wow, that's one hell of a resume'. Pretty interesting though. The answer to your question is none. You're out of no job. Life is a job and marriage is a job and sometimes taking a shit is a job...lol

ettarose said...

Is your job yelling at cars? I think I saw you the other day.

Adullamite said...

You seem pretty normal to me. Could we be related?

TheFLy said...

You are out of tutoring. You called out sick. And before that the social services agency. You got eliminated. Anyway, I dont have entrecards, I just enjoy reading the story.


You should check my blog, I gave ya something.

buzz buzz

Jay said...

You sound just like Other Half. I can't remember half the jobs he's had. I know he started out in Art School and dropped out of that. He said he objected to it being amalgamated with a needlework institute or something .. what else? Cork factory, publishing house, postman, taxi driver, wool merchant's bale lifter, printer, coach holidays, graphic designer, computer programmer .. I lose track.

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ... I know the feeling. Actually I was in the same job for almost 15 years, the last 10 have been 'checkered' as you said.

Delivering papers has left me with insomnia...I got lots of complaints but didn't quit...just threw the paper louder. ;)

Umm...I thought you were retired, no?

Lauren said...

Joe, let's just say I can relate. Thank goodness I finally found something I love and I am sticking with it! Next time someone cuts me down for my checkered work-past I am sending them to THIS post.

Claire said...

I know! Your a pole vaulter!

Stripper?

Gigolo?

Make money blogger?

Your an out of work/sick tutor?

:)

Da Old Man said...

@ Dani: If taking a dump is a job, I'm building that resume a lot lately.

@ ettarose: I guess that should go on the resume, too. :)

@ adullamite: Could be.

@ The Fly: Thanks. I'll be by soon. Your blog is a regular read for me.

@ jay: He's like me. Doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up.

@ Drowsey: Not officially

@ lauren: Someone once gave me a card, it said something along the lines, "Maybe your purpose is to be the bad exmple to others."

@ Claire: I tried all those things, except the pole vaulting, and got fired from each.
:(

Claire said...

Get training! Do you have a pole?

Da Old Man said...

@ Claire: LOL

Bradley said...

They say hard work brings wit and wisdom. I wonder how you got yours.

I'm almost certain you have one of those Notary signs outside your house. That's what you do. Unfortunately you'd get more business if you weren't outside yelling all the time.

Da Old Man said...

@ Bradley: I've always wanted to be a notary public. It just sounds so official.

Jenn Thorson said...

I read that intricate history and the Beatles "Long and Winding Road" kept going through my head.

Also "Take This Job and Shove it."

Okay, now they've become a DJ remix. :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Jenn: This post is your fault, BTW. You suggested it would be a good post. After I wrote it I thought, "I really can't keep a job, can I?"

Though Claire's idea of being a pole vaulter is starting to sound pretty good.

~*~Shadow.Crystal~*~ said...

Wow, you certainly have a lot of experience... I'm scared 'though, 'cause I'm not quite 23, I've had over 10 jobs, and in 5-10 years I'll probably be able to do a blog post almost identical to this.

Maybe you should combine your auto experience with your teaching experience and teach people how to f**king drive! Or, at least teach them how to take care of their vehicles so they don't drive around with parts hanging off...

You should be paid for blogging... you're a great writer and this would be a perfect career for you.

Da Old Man said...

@ Shadow: Thanks. Most of those are different careers. I've had different jobs within those.
I worked in a couple different auto parts stores, 3 pizzarias (plus mine), and had at least 4 totally different jobs in one social services agency.

Chica said...

What an erratic resume, about like my husbands, and he's only 27! I think he's had just as many jobs as his age.

"So, what job am I out of right now?"

Your out of working under the man, your retired and you like to sit on your porch in your rocking chair and hit people with tomatoes?

Da Old Man said...

@ Chica: I wish. But now I have a goal. :)
That, and to be a Notary Public.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Please post a job application up here.

Seriously.

That would provide endless fun...

The Natural State Hawg

momjeansblogger said...

I think you are out of your job selling you body with flashing as a side , You are the first person to be fired from this position.

Da Old Man said...

@ Natural State: Haven't I suffered enough?

@ Momjeans: And it was a volunteer job. That hurt even more.

Whup-Ass Master said...

You sir, are a talented and clever writer. As a recently "transitioned" ex-bear stearns guy (and occasional profession writer), I feel your pain. I'm your new "humor-blogs" fan. Nice work.

xox
WAM

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

you're out of the job of being a "crazy magnet"! Seriously, the people you've worked with sound like psych ward escapees! setting fire your desk, dumbass customers, sister joan? good grief! I think it's healthier for you if you don't have a job! :)

Da Old Man said...

@ Whup-ass: Thanks

@ Sandy: I probably am better off without a job. I do seem to get jobs with crazy bosses. So, you're saying I'm the only one you know who had their desk set on fire?

Da Old Man said...

I'm giving 500 entrecard credits each to Health nut Mom and dani and Claire.
Mom for being first, Dani because she mentioned shit and was still encouraging, and Claire.
I'll contact you for your email because that's the only way I know how to give credits.
Check back tomorrow for the big contest "Caption this" with more fabulous prizes.

Claire said...

So that's who they were off!

Cheers me dears!

:)

Da Old Man said...

Yes, they were. :)