So, Joe

What is your profession, so we know what kind of job you are out of now?

My friend Bill asked me this a few years ago, and I was kind of stumped. My employment history is kind of, ummm, checkered, to say the least.

I haven’t just had a lot of different jobs, I’ve had a crap load of different careers. Fortunately, when filling out a resume or job application, they only ask to go back a couple jobs.
Here’s mine, so we can figure out exactly what kind of work I’m out of now.

When I was a kid, I had a paper route. That isn’t a job with a career track, so I eventually moved on and gave it up, coincidentally to a kid named Joe.

When I was in high school, I worked winters part-time on a truck. I delivered kerosene, I did the grunt work, and someone else did the driving.

Then I went to college for about 15 minutes, and hated every second of it. I dropped out, and entered the exciting world of fast food in lower management.

That didn’t work out well, so I became a truck driver. Back to delivering kerosene and home heating fuel oil.
Because it’s pretty seasonal, I learned the art of cleaning and repairing boilers. It was a family business, and if you ever worked for family, you can imagine how that went.

So, it was on to in house collections for a Fortune 500 company. I won’t reveal what company it was, but they own a mighty fine blimp. The job was terrible, and I quit. I went to unemployment, and told them my tale. Normally, if one quits without cause, they will either not pay or will penalize the person and withhold payments. Before I quit, I made copies of documents that proved they were bastages. The company didn’t appreciate that, so I was summoned to court. Bottom line, judge told me to be sure no one should see the papers, and told the company to shut up. All in legalese, of course.


I worked in a warehouse loading trucks for one day. I don't do physical for minimum wage.

I worked in a pizzaria for a while. That was ok, but the owner kept getting arrested, so I decided it was time to move on.
I started my own business. I was in the auto parts business, and did well. But there was a paradigm shift in the industry, and what I did became more or less obsolete.

Then I went to a social services agency. It was great. I was happy. The pay was decent, the hours were perfect.
So, the company restructured, and my supervisor didn’t have the documentation to maintain her position, so she bid on mine.

I wound up working in a gas station for my buddy, Joe, for a few months. How long could I keep explaining to lost drivers that to get on the other side of the road, just go a few hundred feet up the road to the U turn. And how many times a day could I say “No, I’m not going to draw you a map for that, dumbass.”

At the same time, I was back to delivering newspapers in the early morning. I was late with the papers on Christmas morning, and some jerks called and complained. Rather than start throwing rocks at houses, I quit that job.

I have anger issues

I then started another business, a pizzaria. Things were going great, until the city it was in had riots. The riots ended due to the worst heat wave in our state’s history. Yeah, I know, only you, Joe.

So, I started working in an auto parts store. Didn’t know the manager was crazy. One day, he set fire to my desk, so I left.

On to another social services agency, doing asleep overnights. What a perfect job. I was paid to sleep. Sweet. This left me with plenty of day hours with nothing to do.

So, I started to work for the cable company, too. Inside sales/customer service. I’m really uncomfortable lying all day long, so eventually, I was asked to leave. My supervisor talked them out of escorting me out using police.
Why do I get a reputation as being slightly unstable?

I stayed at the asleep overnight job until they decided I had to stay awake, just in case anyone woke up and needed anything.



I worked in a grocery store for a week. I left and they kept calling asking me to come back. I told them I could have people make me feel bad about myself for higher pay somewhere else.

I went back to school and got my teaching degree.

I stayed at the same agency from the overnight and worked in a day program. Supposed to have 4 workers, and 20 clients. Most days had 2 workers and nearly 30 clients.

I then became a substitute teacher in a couple districts, and started working in a tutoring center.
I got a job in a private school. That lasted a month. The Principal said things were just so confusing, she had to make changes. Not that the confusion was her fault. Most schools drastically change their schedules every other day for the first 3 weeks, don’t they? By the way, Sister Joan, the Principal, was transferred a few weeks after letting me go. Gee, maybe it wasn’t me after all. How bad do you have to be to get fired when you’re a nun?

Next, I worked in a mid-level position in a social services agency. The pay was ok, but the job was terrible. Actually the job was mind numbingly dull, and the supervisor was referred to by me as the Incubus, and her supervisor was the Succubus. Every week or so, the Incubus filed termination papers for me, and I had to go in to HR and prove that the supervisor was lying.

That was fun.

Eventually, while I was on sick leave, half my department was eliminated. You just know I was in the half that got eliminated.

I was then only working at the tutoring center. I called out sick January, 2007, so I‘m not sure if I still work there or not.

So, what job am I out of right now?

Anyone with the patience to read all this deserves something. Leave a comment to answer my question, and I'll put your name in a drawing for some entrecard credits. Or I'll help you with your resume. I'm good at them.




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