Monday, August 11, 2008

I See you

You do realize that with all the various widgets and tracking stuff on this blog, I can see everything and know everything about you. Oh yeah. Everything you do online is recorded, analyzed, and this information could then be sold to Nigerian thieving scammer bastages goat herders.

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Don’t ask, don’t tell


But I don’t do that. No siree. I just study all the information gathered, and use it to make my blog even better for you. Youse all know me. I just give and give.

By now, you are probably wondering why I have called you all here today.

I need help.

Seriously.

I was looking at my spam folder, and I was concerned. Apparently, I've won many, many new computers, along with, at last count, $53,000 from WalMart in gift certificates. Of course, I plan to use my certificates to buy Strawberry PopTarts and a boat. So, should I sell all these computers and PopTarts, or keep them for future use? If I sell them, should I bundle them? How great a package is a computer with a couple boxes of PopTarts? If anyone is looking to open up an internet cafe, I'm your guy, by the way. I can set you right up. I can also help you pick out a toaster as I have vast toasting experience. The coffee, you're on your own.

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But here's where I am truly concerned. I use a phony name when filling out online things.

Now, I am starting to get unsolicitated mail to this phony name. Big deal, you say. But I can assure you it is hysterically funny. The name I have used is an off color slang term in another language.

Lots of women, apparently, are interested in meeting up with Joey One Testicle. Who knew?

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Coming tomorrow: Wednesday's super spectacular "Caption This"

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24 comments:

TheFLy said...

Sounds like its time to increase your size to an incredible 10 inches for Joey One Tesicle, haha. But if you win a car with hovering technology with retractable wings and a rocket on the back and missile launchers, hook it up brotha!

Drowsey Monkey said...

I have a Mrs. Someone-or-another emailing me about needing help. Perhaps Joey could help her out. I think she wants money tho.

Spam = boo.

Your smileys make me smile, lol (as does your writing, of course)

shyne said...

LMAO @ Joey One Testicle!

Well, you have my curiosity peeked!!!! There has to be quite a story behind that name.
I'd probably write....lol.

Da Old Man said...

@ TheFly: Joey doesn't even put in any personal information. They are just interested probably based on the name.

@ Drowsey: I lke spam. It's the cyber equivalent of telemarketers. And I love me some telemarketers.

Jenn Thorson said...

I know a few people whose dogs get junk mail. So Joey should feel right at home.

mmmm... Pop Tarts.

momjeansblogger said...

Joey,
I would sell the computers and keep the pop tarts.
OR you be like Oprah and open a school in Africa and use the computers for that. I would call it, "The Joey One Testicle Acdemy"

Meg said...

I get lots of folks interested in my blog name--Prefers Her Fantasy Life. After visiting, they are sorely disappointed, or should I say flaccidly disappointed.

I don't know if that's a real word.

So yeah, I feel for ya. Or with ya.

Da Old Man said...

@ Shyne: It's just one of many aliases I have used over the years. If I ever got arrested, I can only imagine if the paper listed me with all of them. I only use my aliases for good, not evil. Think of me as a superhero with the ability to say stupid things.

@ Jenn: I do not have a dog, but my alter ego, Joey One Testicle, does have an imaginary pappillon named Sally.

@ Momjeans: The Joey One Testicle Academy for the Performing Arts could probably get some of that sweet government grant money, too.

@ Meg: If it isn't a word, it should be.

Anonymous said...

there are also plenty of women who are willing to meet even a "Joey, no testicle" Wow, that is certainly cry of desperation...

Da Old Man said...

@ Anonymous: I don't remember them lining up when I was available. If it weren't for chloroform, I wouldn't have dated at all.

The Hypocritical One said...

I'm surprised Joey doesn't get "make you longer and stronger" e-mails...if you'd like, I can forward them along. For some odd reason, that's the majority of my e-mail.

This Brazen Teacher said...

I love Smores Pop Tarts. Maybe you could mail a coupla boxes to this broke (and grocery-less) teacher.

Da Old Man said...

@ The Hypocritical One: Haven't gotten them for a while. I used to get a lot of animal porn ones. Geeze, experiment a little in college, and that stuff follows you for years.

Da Old Man said...

@ Brazen: Sure, the PopTarts are in the mail.

Chica said...

Joey one testicle could use a lot of things from spam mail I assume. I mean those viagra deals, and johnson pumps could be the thing to help him make up for what he's lacking! LOL Your a riot. :)

Claire said...

I have tried and tried to make my limp trouser snake into a mighty python but it never works :(

peglegstarfish.com said...

I'm really excited that my first trip to your blog featured a little reach around hand job.

Nice. And I would def. keep the Pop Tarts.

Da Old Man said...

@ Chica: Joey needs all the help he can get.

@ Claire: So, you're the woman withthat extra something we always hear about?

@ Peg: Notice that the regulars didn't point that out because they are used to seeing thins like that here.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I really think you and Joey should open up a 'how to mess with telemarketers and spammers' night school. oh, well, maybe joey shouldn't be allowed out at night. guess he'll just have to appear via webcam, he has experience that, yes?

Da Old Man said...

@ Sandy: Joey probably has some experiences I'm not even aware of.

mantiz said...

thanks to them spammers i win the New York state lottery every week. So just let me know if little joey is ever short of funds :))

Lauren said...

Can you find the bastard that put the virus on my computer and will have cost me about $800 by the time I purchase a new one?

Writing from library. Not sure when will be back online. IF using part of my 30 minutes for this doesn't show the love I don't know what does!

FlowerGirl said...

This is so freakin hilarious. I don't know where to start... Maybe you could cash in all those Wally World gift cards and get Joey some surgery... He could move up in the ranks to be Joey Two Testicle... with enough money he could become Joey Three Testicle... That might really line the women up...

I'm rich because lots of men that live over seas somehow know me and wire me millions of dollars on a daily basis...

SabrinaT said...

HA HA! Found your blog over at drowsey monkey. Soon as I grab me a cup of coffee I am off and reading.