Kevinolgy

I just had a weird epiphany. I was reading that Jenn of Cabbages played a practical joke on someone at work, and I thought about it, and realized I may have played a prank or two on someone at the many different jobs I've had. I immdiately thought of the 3 best ones.



Now, here is where it gets weird: each time my "victim" was named Kevin. While these jokes were not very elaborate (ok, one kinda was, but that's for another day) the others were simply messing with a Kevin's head. It should be pointed out that these were all different Kevins, and I hold no particular animosity towards anyone named Kevin. For some odd reason, I always seem to wind up in a job and sit near someone named Kevin. From this amazing coincidence, you would think every third person in New Jersey is named Kevin. Anyway, I thought I'd share the first joke I ever played on a Kevin.

I worked for a large company that was in the tire business. You may have heard of them, the name rhymes with HoodBeer, and they drive around in a blimp. I didn't have a cool job like blimp driver, though. I was in the sales department. But not even in the good part of it, no, I was in telephone collections. So, if you didn't pay for your tires, and lived in the greater Shamokin, Pennsylvania, area, you could expect a threatening phone call from the heartless bastard from NJ, Mr. White. Yeah, I put a lot of thought into my pseudonym. I did want to use my other name, Joey One Testicle, but HoodBeer frowned on that.

I know what you're thinking. "Crotchety, wow, that sounds like a fun and exciting job. You got to sit in a filthy giant warehose room, filled with 30 other 'sales staff,' and yell at people who were out of work and threaten them if they didn't come across with 8 dollars by the end of the month. It could only be better if you told us you got to sit by Marge and Ginny, who smoked a carton of cigarettes a day each while they made their phone calls."
Yes, Crotchety did have the dream job, and he made almost 6 dollars an hour. I'd love to tell you that was big money for back then, but I don't lie. The pay was awful, and the money was, too. So, naturally, the working conditions fit perfectly with everything else.

Back to Kevin. Kevin was a young kid in his first job. And he was enthusiastic.

He got on a call with a customer, let's call him Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones upset Kevin very much. So much that Kevin was rather loud.

Finally, Kevin hung up on Mr. Jones, and still rather loudly, announced that he was so angry. Mr. Jones had dared to threaten him, and claimed he would get his lawyer involved.

This was all I needed to hear. Wouldn't you know it, but the "lawyer" called in about 30 seconds.



And I the lawyer threatened Kevin with a writ of habeus corpus, a cease and desist order, a gag order, and everything and anything else lawyery sounding. Basically, he invoked the wrath of the entire US legal system.

A note of fear was detected in Kevin's voice.

Kevin asked for a number so he could have a supervisor get back to me the attorney. Instead, the "attorney" demanded to speak to a supervisor right now, to set then straight about Kevin's illegal activities. Of course, I knew there was no supervisor around.




Finally, Kevin was frustrated. He started to get excited. I didn't want the poor guy to have a seizure or something, so I told him I had to go, and he could contact me through Mr. Jones.

I hung up and waited for the funny. It didn't take long. Kevin stood up and told everyone within earshot about his encounter with the attorney. Next, they started to commiserate with him, and finally one decided to ask him if it was definately Mr. Jones's attorney. I had to move fast.

From my desk in the back of the room, I called Kevin. I asked him what was up. He started to tell me his tale of woe. Then, before he started to go into detail, I started to ask him if the lawyer threatened him with...and then went over the litany, charge by charge. He of, course, said yes to everything.
I told him not to worry about it. The lawyer probably won't follow through. He wanted to know how I could be so sure. I just told him to think about it, and then I told him I had to go.

From my vantage point near the back of the room, I could watch it unfold, as he discussed it all with his closest co-workers. Finally, the light began to shine a little brighter, kind of like when a dimmer switch starts to illuminate a room.

I knew it finally dawned on him, when about 5 minutes later, he yelled out, "You suck, Crotchety!"



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