Monday, September 22, 2008

When Life Gives you Lemons

squirt life in the eye with them cause then you both are blind. No wait. That's not how it goes.

I seem to get my adages messed up from time to time.

When life gives you lemons, make limoncello.

If you've ever seen Molto Mario, he describes limoncello as a "digestivo" or a nice little after dinner drink to help digest a large meal. This stuff is like the rocket fuel of lemonade.

And that's the adage, make lemonade when life gives you lemons. And that got me to thinking.

I'm really good at one thing: getting yelled at by women. Just yesterday, the Crotchety Old Lady yelled at me, one of my online friends (hey, I'm a Modern Old Man, women find new and creative ways to yell at me) and the Spawn all yelled at me.

Now, a normal man would get upset by this. But youse already know by now that I'm not normal. For some reason, I have a Ghandi like demeanor when I get yelled at by women.

Basically, I just make lame excuses on the fly, until they get tired of yelling, and give up. I do have a breaking point, but it is far beyond that of average men.

I decided to use this uncanny ability to make some cash.

Crotchety's Excuse a Rama Yellafone at your service.Photobucket

You want to yell at your significant other, and have days of fighting? Of course not. Just call me or one of my highly trained staff and vent away, while we make lame excuses to return you to a state of bliss.

You'll hear such great excuses including

"Yes, dear, I understand."

"You are absolutely right."

"I'll get on that right away."

"No, I wasn't looking at her. I was just thinking how great that outfit would look on you."

And, with all calling plans, at no extra charge, the Man's Prayer from the Red Green Show

"I'm a man, but I can change...if I have to. I guess..."

I'm thinking of charging $1.99 a minute for the basic plan, up to $4.99 for the deluxe. With the deluxe plan, we promise to make it up to you at some later point in time.

Don't forget to help out Deb with her feeds fundraiser. It's easier to just do it than to come up with an excuse.


They bring the funny every day and make no excuses at


Ma fat woman said...

Sign me up! What's your number 1-900-crotchety? Or, 1-800-da-old-man?

Da Old Man said...

@ MA: I'm still working on the number. :)

Lipstick said...

I really think you have an effective business model. I would like the deluxe model and I would readily upgrade to the as-yet-unavailable super-deluxe model.

Chat Blanc said...

the man's prayer alone is worth the $4.99!

The Offended Blogger said...

Damn! You stole my business plan!! WTF?!!!

Oh, heh, sorry, didn't mean to yell at you there. :p

TheFLy said...

When life gives you lemons, go buy some tequila and have some margeritas.

buzz buzz

Lauren said...

You should have to pay US $4.99 a minute to make it up to us later!

Jenn Thorson said...

You might just have a shining future there. If you could additionally set up a web site specifically devoted to it, you could make MILLIONS!

Da Old Man said...

@ Lipstick: Super deluxe would involve, I guess, a promise to never do it again, and chocolate.

@ Chat: It is a bargain

@ Offended: It's ok, I'm used to it. :) Which credit card did you wish to use?

@ The Fly: That would work, too

@ Lauren: That wouldn't work at all. But the promise of it would fit in perfectly with my business plan.

@ Jenn: It would miss out on the excuses with that personal touch, but it could be an alternative for the woman on the go, who could catch up on her lame excuse reading on the train to work, or with that morning cup of coffee.

Athena said...

Ha! Love this! And let me know when its up and running...I have some unspoken and neglected rage pent up inside after last weekend!

Bill said...




Now, where was I? Oh yes, I'm a very calm person.

Da Old Man said...

@ Athena: I'll announce it. May even have to offer a volume discount, from what I've been hearing.

@ Bill: So, Bill, are you considering a staff job? You sound like you'd be perfect. :)

The Hawg said...

You haven't come up with a number yet? That's easy -- 1-800-YES-DEAR.

You can kick me my percentage when it all takes off and the call you the "Crotchety yet Wealthy Old Man."

Da Old Man said...

@ The Hawg: Perfect. :)

Anonymous said...

The minute I get offline, I"m going to beat the living crap out of my husband.....he's been talking to you, right? Yeah. I can tell!! AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS JUST SIT THERE!!? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!??

Bee said...

Hmmmm... I'm thinking my phone bill would be through the roof and that would be another reason to yell at the hubs.

Kirsten said...

Do you have an excuse for not doing the laundry or ever cleaning the house?

Da Old Man said...

@ Dana: Sounds like he is a potential franchisee

@ Bee: Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money. It's all good.

@ Kirsten: But sweetie, I would just make such a mess of things. You make our house a home.

I'd turn it into the Abe Vigoda of homes.

HumorSmith said...

What a concept. You cou;d've saved me a lotta squabbles over the years. In future, "Who ya gonna call?" Joe buster!