Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm Being Cyber Stalked...

...but it would be more a victim precipitated stalking.

It is all my fault. When I get bored, which happens pretty frequently, I start poking around the internet and partially sign up for crap.

A few months ago, I looked into a program for the Biggest Loser put together by Jillian, the rather cranky trainer on the show. I decided to decline for several reasons, the largest of which meant I'd have to actually get off my butt and do something, which seriously would cut into my precious little available goofing off time.

This handy diagram shows just how little time I would have to, you know, exercise and do healthy stuff


Blue: Sleep
Other Blue: Nap
Orange: Watch TV
Green: All Things Blogging
Red: Google Search for Weird Pictures

It is clear that no free time is available. *sigh*

So, I stopped the whole thing, and Jillian has been sending me notes ever since. And I can assure you they are mean. I'm even a bit afraid of her. It's bad enough when I get yelled at by the Crotchety Old Lady, but getting cyber yelled at by Jillian makes me afraid to open my emails.

Besides, I'm in shape. Round is a shape, right?

And now, I'm getting stalked by Netflix. I broke up with Netflix 2 months or so ago. I gave them the "It's not you, it's me, speech," and I really thought they had moved on. But no, every couple weeks, they send me a little note telling me how much they miss me and want me back.

Lastly, I continue to get notes from various internet dating sites letting me know that Monica, or Debbie, or some other old classmate is searching for me. I'm sure most men would be quite excited by such news, but regular readers know that I attended St Rocko's High School (School Motto: We have our own cemetery) which was a high school for males only.

Do I want to open those emails?



MA Fat Woman said...

Mark them all as SPAM and future attempts at communication will go straight to Stalag 13. (I've been watching Hogan Heros' reruns.)

Lipstick said...

LOL! I love that you broke up with Netflix!

CH!CA said...

Haha loved the pie chart! As for the old classmates.. DON'T open it! unless your into that sorta thing, which is totally ok. lol

Lauren said...

That's funny about the classmates stuff. What a scam. Or maybe they are contacting you from the dead?

HumorSmith said...

I wouldn't open any emails from a guy named Monica.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

You could exercise while you watch TV, at least on the commercials. You'd be surprised how much you could do that way.

ettarose said...

Do like me, get dial up which everyone knows is slow as shit. While you are waiting for your page to load you could lose at least a pound. I figure you may be in shape in just a couple of weeks.

moooooog35 said...

Shit like this is why I don't use the Internet.



ReformingGeek said...

Classmates.com takes the cake. They get your attention with a headline such as "look who signed your guest book" and when you open the email, the names are blurry. Ha! You have to pay to see their names.

Apparently, Jullian has some DVDs available. The description says that she is "nicer" than on TV. That women might eat me for a light snack.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahahahahaha, I think "Debbie" used to be Dan. That would explain it.

Don said...

Hahaha! What HumorSmith said. But a guy named Jillian would probably be easier to deal with than the camo covered dominatrix on The Biggest Loser.

Jenn Thorson said...

Crotchety, do you not realize that this IS the price of shining popularity? And yet you SHUN it! I cannot believe it...

Da Old Man said...

@ MA: I watch Hogan's Heroes a lot, too.

@ Lipstick: They can be so clingy

@ Chica: I'm not, not that there's anything wrong with that.

@ Lauren: Not dead, that I know of.

@ Humorsmith: That has been my policy, also

@ Karen: I guess. But during commercials I need to check out other shows. I have about 170 of them, of which 58 are "favorites."

@ Etta: I don't know if I can go back to dialup. Do you know how long it would take me to find weird pictures on Google?

@ Moooog: The internet is evil.

@ Reforming: I figure I left high school a while ago. Anyone I wanted to keep in touch with, I did.

@ Petra: Sadly, you may be right.

@ Don: She scares the crap out of me.

@ Jenn: Shunning is a virtue. I'm going to be Amish, remember?

Kirsten said...

I had problems with Netflix too. They have issues. I finally had to give them the "friends" speech and they got the picture. I would try that!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

You need to get out more Crotchety. Just saying.

Have a terrific day goofing off. :)

Sherry said...

Round is definitely a shape. I know.

Shelly said...

Send Jillian the pie chart and I'm sure she'll understand your challenging schedule and back off!

nonamedufus said...

Wanna help me open the 300 e-mails I have from Nigerians who's rich fathers passed away?

beth said...

Without Netflix, I'm afraid I would have to actually talk to my husband on Friday nights.

Jormengrund said...

Sorry to hear about your troubles Crotchety..

But I've got some news for you:

You've won a drawing that was held in the UK for $100,000 pounds sterling!

The way to cash in on this is to send me all of your banking information so that I can route the money to you.

However, before I can do that I need you to cover the one-time processing fee of $75.99 payable in three easy installments of $25 a month!

What a deal!

Jen said...

I hate when they get desperate like Netflix. I lose all respect for them.

Your pie chart looks like how I cut the pizzas in the this house.

Da Old Man said...

@ Kirsten: I should try the "friends" talk next time they contact me.

@ Sandee: Outside is over rated

@ Sherry: I keep telling my dovtor that, too. He is not amused.

@ Shelly: I hope that will work.

@ Nonamed: Nigerians are such generous folks, willing to share that good fortune.

@ Beth: Thank goodness for Netflix

@ Jormen: No problem. You'll take a money order, right?

@ Jen: Exactly. How can I respect netflix when they come across as so needy?

flit said...

well... now they've all served their purpose - as fodder for the blog...I vote you spam the lot of them now :)

Chat Blanc said...

I'd go into the weight loss protection program if Jillian was after my butt!! she IS scary! :)

The Fitness Diva said...

Funny! ;)

Hillbilly Willy said...

Dog gone it - Willy really thought there were girls out there that thought he was handsome.

Bust Willy's bubble!

10-4 Willy

Janna said...

Just out of curiosity, are there also wedges for eating and peeing and showering?

If you're really pressed for time, you could probably do all three at once.

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