Thursday, April 28, 2011

Do they listen to themselves?

Just yesterday, I heard someone on TV say that some program changed their life and they made a complete 360.

Ummm, wouldn't that mean that they are back where they started, but perhaps dizzy if they spun too fast?

I often hear the phrase "I could care less," well that makes no sense at all because "I could not care less" means the same thing to them.

How could opposites mean the same?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Gas Prices

Ok, President Obama wants to have gas prices investigated.

I volunteer to be on the panel.

Here in NJ, we have a few stations in about a square mile charging #4.09.

Less than a mile away the price is $3.65.

Same town, same road and a difference of over 40 cents per gallon.

The reason?

The stations are the first ones as you get off the interstate.

Gouge much?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just one more thing

Ok, most of youse know I've had a lot of stuff. Heart attack, congestive heart failure, depression, skin cancer, kidney failure, amputations, belly button removal and stroke.

Now what?

Athlete's foot.

I am transported by ambulance to dialysis and come home the same way. I only leave the house for doctor's appointments.

Basically, I'm treated like veal.

How the hell did I get Athlete's foot?

Since there is only half the feet of a normal person, I have 50% lesser chance than you.

But no, I got it.

What will I get next?

My money is on some rare disease discovered in the upper reaches of MONGOLIA.

And only found in left- handed goat herders.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ethical Question

Yesterday, Mrs. C was driving me to the doctor and we were cut off by a knucklehead who ran a yield sign,

Of course she was talking on her phone, which is illegal in many states including NJ.

Now my question is this: should I be allowed to shoot at her with a small caliber gun. It probably wouldn't kill her but she would HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE.

By the way in case you had any faith in Harvard as little more than a cesspool of anti American principles and teaching, it is rumored that they have offered Bernie Madoff a position as a professor of ethics. Didn't they know John Gotti Jr is available?

Monday, April 11, 2011

All-time best


Called me Friday to let me know I won Publishers Clearing House for an $850,000 prize. First thing I thought was, what a party I could throw for my blog buddies. A week ar the Jersey Shore (not the TV show with the Guidos and Guidettes) but famous Atlantic City. Shows, gambling, the beach.


But my next thought was

SCAM, Jamaican, style.

So, as usual, I decided to screw around with the dude.

Kept him on the phone for 12 minutes plus.

He called me back 12 times over the weekend. Told him my car was in the shop, that stopped the calls until Monday.

They started again. I didn't answer until the 6th call. Told him I contacted my sister and the FBI ( and he said my sister and the FBI were trying to corrupt my thinking. Then I told him because I have brain dasmage my sister controls my money.

He dropped the price to 200.

The last call was 22:45.

Last call I promised to try to get a ride to Western Union, can't drive due to the damage. ;)

Good thing I have a lot of free time.


Friday, April 08, 2011

Where's my reality show?

It seems every weirdo and freak has a reality show. Now I'm as big a freak as anyone- An old fat guy, with one leg, no bellybutton,depressed, anti-social, and with a love of prescription drugs so....


I spend hours entertaining Mrs. C, so why not those who would be my core audience- shut-ins and the mentally challenged?

I'm always doing stupid, err, funny stuff.

Likr yesterday I was at the wound care center, and they put me in the overflow room, with directions they would call on the phone when they had room.

Phone rings, I answer "Dominos Pizza."

I guess youse had to have been there.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Ho;y cow

Saw Iggy Pop on Idol last night and he sang Wild Child.

C'mon, he's in his mid sixties (and looks it)

Shouldn't he just give it up?

Once a rocker is on Social Security, he should be forced to retire.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Guess where I went last night?

Put on pants (first time in 2 years) over clean underwear (won't tell how long that's been) and got my gtimpy ass to a job interview.

Well, it was in the same field I worked in before, but at half the pay.
Interviewer said she never heard of anyone making that much money in this field.

I told her it's because I'm good. (I am) Let you know when I get the job.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

I wonder

Why are people so dumb?

Yeah, I know about all the yearly compilation of stupid people is pretty amazing, but we must wonder if commercials have to include such warnings as: "Contact your doctor if sudden loss of eyesight or hearing occurs."

No shit. What moron wouldn't? Really.

Anyone that dumb should just suffer the consequences of being so dopey.

This was an ad for Viagra, so definately he should not be allowed to breed.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Happy Birthday to me

Of course, my birthday is April Fools Day.

Did you expect anything different?

I was making up a list of top ten things bad about getting older.

But you know with my blazing typing speed (17 WPM in the house, for shizzle) that's probably a 2 hour task. I don't have the patience for that on my special day.

So, I listed my number 1 bad thing about getting older.

Raquel Welch is selling reading glasses.

Maybe my younger readers won't care, but I'm sure my older ones, especially male boomers, will get it.

Hey, I didn't expect to make it after the last year or so, and I'm really grateful for the second chance I got and really appreciated all the prayers and good wishes I received. Even though there is no scientific evidence, I am positive that is the reason I'm still standing. Well, youse know what I mean.