Sunday, May 31, 2009

Spelling Bee Winner

The winner of the Scripps annual Spelling Bee was decided in a major contest held in Washington. D.C. The winning word was Kavya Shivashankar.

Ooops, sorry, that was her name.

The actual winning word was Laodicean, which means "kid who has not been outside since last August."

It just reminded me of my participation back when I was in 8th grade. It was a long time ago, so there weren't that many words. I placed 4th, and was eliminated on a technicality. I forgot to ask for permission to retrace my stupid word.

Funny thing is, I have never used that word since that fateful day. I'm not even sure what it means. I just looked it up on, and it's not even a word any longer.


Oh well, good luck to Kavya.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Toasters Can Be Evil

My blogging buddy, Reforming Geek recently posted about her toaster and how it has conspired against her.

I have blogged about my toaster issues in the past, and in fact, I was so happy when I finally bought the toaster of my dreams, I dedicated a blog to it.

Now, the less adventurous among you would probably simply go to Wally World, and pick up one of those crappy ten buck Asian Assassin toasters, but that didn't do for the Crotchety Old Lady and me. Since I always believe in getting the best for her, I searched the entire toaster world to find the finest toaster made. After studying important data such as SPH (slices per hour,) durability, design, and those intangibles of a world class toaster, I made my decision.
The toaster afficianados out there know what decision I made
Uber Toaster
The Dualit 2 Slice Uber Toaster.
I gave great consideration to a sweet red 3 slicer, but it may have really destroyed the feng shui of my kitchen.
Don't laugh. I can't use a 3 tine fork due to a balance issue. Can you imagine the mayhem of an unbalanced toaster?
Anyway, as anyone who knows toasters is well aware-- a Dualit is crazy expensive. I could have gotten a case of Wal Mart toasters for what a new Dualit costs. So, obviously, I had to enter the seedy underbelly of the world of used toasters.
If you thought used car salesmen were slimy, you should see the used toaster sellers.
Dis toaster was used by a little old lady who only toasted English muffins on Wednesdays
I need a shower after just thinking about it.
But finally, we found a toaster with very low toastage, made an offer, and brought it home. For the last year or so, it has provided us with perfectly toasted bread, and the occasional muffin.
I can only wish Reforming Geek finds happiness with a safe and trusty toaster.

Like a bad dog or a red headed stepchild, those cheap Wal Mart toasters will turn on you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Caption Winner and Anal Bleaching

The staff at World Wide HQ and Discount House of Worship has been hard at work choosing a caption winner, and researching some important blog stuff. Stuff like, where have all our subscribers gone, and does it have anything to do with anal bleaching?

First things first, the contest. We had a clear winner, as one caption received more than half of the first place votes.

But, there were plenty of chuckle-worthy captions. Some made the judges laugh even if the commentor didn't mean to.
So, here are the ones who scored points this week: Jenn, Speak Dog, Husbands Anonymous, LL, Douglas Dyer, Haley, Moooooog, Gin, Lady Sarcasm, Lola, Kate, and Dani.

But the winning caption was

And then, one day Paris Hilton finally learned to recycle


Second place was Husbands Anonymous, and third was Haley.

Congrats to the winners, and thank you for another great contest.

Now, we need to solve the mystery of our disappearing subscribers.

Just before cracking the anal bleaching story, we had 77. Now, we are bottoming out at 61. Did anal bleaching put us behind?

I can't believe it was our bacon vodka post, because outside of Hassidic alcoholics, who could have been upset enough to unsubscribe because of that?

Our caption this? No, we have had too many eye bleeding pictures in the past to think anyone got upset by that.

And it can't be because our posts suck. We have been producing mediocre posts for over 5 years, and this is the first time we have dropped so severly since we began tracking such things.

Our staff will be working on this. Any clues are appreciated.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

More Bacony Goodness

Here at Crotchety Old Man Research and Product Development Division, we try to stay at the forefront of consumer needs. Every so often, though, we do get scooped, so to speak, and another R&D department just managed to develop a product so revolutionary that we simply must tip our caps to them.

But it is hard not to be jealous, particularly when something is such a perfect item we can't believe we didn't think of it first. And this new product?

Bacon flavored vodka.


How could we have missed this? Alcohol and pork products--our entire department should have been all over this as these are their favorite comestibles.

I am sad to announce, however, that it is currently only available in a few states out west like Idaho. Sorry, Kathy.

And effective immediately, the development of pizza flavored beer is our first priority. We may be a little late to the game, but we are still in it to win it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

How Sad Is This?

Everyone knows how boring life gets at Casa Crotchety, but I believe we hit a new low today. After watching the Yankee game, I scanned the channels to try to find something--anything--and wound up watching a PBS special about the history of ketchup.
Wait, that's not the sad part.

At the end of the program, an address was given in order to buy a DVD of the show. Somewhere, someone must have ordered it.
Yeah, probabaly
But it gets even worse.

According to TMZ, Sacha Baron Cohen was injured in an anal bleaching accident.
The things he does for his art

While it is important to try to learn something new every day, is it possible that one can learn too much?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Happy Memorial Day

I grew up on Joyce Kilmer Avenue in New Brunswick, NJ.

Joyce Kilmer, famous poet, was born, and lived for a few years on the street that would one day bear his name. That was pretty convenient, looking back at it. His actual name was Alfred Joyce Kilmer, but he chose to go by Joyce. Yeah, it was a different time. His father was Dr. Fred Kilmer, the inventor of Johnson's Baby Powder.

Joyce Kilmer was a Sgt in the US military in WWI, and was recommended to be an officer with another unit. His regiment, known as a great fighting unit, saw a lot of action, and he said he preferred to remain a Sgt with them, than to be an officer with another. This decision probably cost him his life as he was shot by a sniper while on patrol, and Sgt Kilmer was killed in action at age 31. Today, his home serves as a small museum, and has some county offices in it, though when I was a kid, it was used by the VFW or American Legion, I forget which, as a meeting place.

His most famous work was Trees. But he did write a nice poem for Memorial Day about a hundred years ago, and it's appropriate to post it today in memory of Sgt Kilmer and everyone who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Memorial Day
by Joyce Kilmer

The bugle echoes shrill and sweet,
But not of war it sings to-day.

The road is rhythmic with the feet
Of men-at-arms who come to pray.

The roses blossom white and red
On tombs where weary soldiers lie;

Flags wave above the honored dead
And martial music cleaves the sky.

Above their wreath-strewn graves we kneel,
They kept the faith and fought the fight.

Through flying lead and crimson steel
They plunged for Freedom and the Right.

May we, their grateful children, learn
Their strength, who lie beneath this sod,

Who went through fire and death to earn
At last the accolade of God.In shining rank on rank arrayed

They march, the legions of the Lord;
He is their Captain unafraid,

The Prince of Peace...
Who brought a sword.


Sunday, May 24, 2009

So Much Technology, So Little Time

Because we get overwhelmed with constant news, it almost becomes a situation that there is an "Information overload" and the really important developments just get lost among it all. This is the story of one such technological advancement.

Self Cleaning Underwear That's right, the USA has moved to the forefront of self cleaning underwear science, and most of us were busy worrying about trivial things like the collapse of our economy. Not that the economy isn't important (it probably is) but your mom never reminded you to always have a dollar in your pocket. Nope, she wanted to make sure you had on clean underwear in case you got in an accident.

And now, thanks to some brilliant scientists, we will always have clean underwear.

And it was a bargain, only a bit over $20 million, to keep those Fruit of the Loom guys fresh and clean.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Excitement Never Ends

I'm bored this long weekend.

Since the Crotchety Old Lady is out of work, she hangs around the house way too much, and with her out of work, every weekend is a long weekend. How many rounds of "What's That Smell?" can we play?

I need to get her a job. She expects me to entertain her all the time. I do enough directing her in cooking and cleaning around here, now I have to provide recreation. Doesn't she realize that I got stuff to do?

Just Tuesday, she asked what I was planning to do. I said I was going to sit around, watch TV, eat chips, scratch, and play on the computer. She said, "That's what you did Monday."

I told her, "I didn't finish."

Friday, May 22, 2009


The staff had to put in overtime this week as there were so many really funny captions. But they managed to get through over 60 captions and picked the best of the best.

So many of our talented captioners had the judges guffawing and chuckling at Headquarters that nothing else got done this week. No R&D, no new inventions, and our sales division all but took the week off. And which captions made them so giddy? Well, Moooooog, Dani C, Lola, both of the Dyer Boys (they are good, can you imagine what it must have been like growing up in their house?) Kate, Jenn, Tahtimbo, Haley, Ma Fat Woman, Nooter, Secondary Roads, Thinkinfyou, Shawn, and LL. (ok, LL's wasn't funny to the judges, but it made me LOL. It's one of those ya gotta know the rest of the story ones)

So, it was very close, and the winner by a slim margin is:

By Offended Blogger


Second place went to Lola, and third was Haley.

Congratulations, and thanks to everyone for making this such a great contest.

Meanwhile, in The Price is Right news, today was one of the all-time great episodes. Some really old lady was called to come on down. They went to a commercial, and Drew had to waste time when they came back to allow her to make her way up to the panel. She walked like her shoes were tied togather. When she finally got up, the item for bid was something like tennis rackets.
Her bid was so insane, Drew had to ask her like 5 times. "Are you sure you want to bid $22,000?" Eventualy, she changed it to $2200.
Later in the show, she did win (a different item) and she got up on stage with Drew. She played to win a fully restored 1965 Mustang.

And yes, the show followed my previously suggested The Price is Right/Wimmin Big O Theory and yes, it was disgusting. Photobucket

Today is the final show of the week, and I don't know how I'll make it through the weekend without my "fix."

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Understanding the Female Mind

This post is a rather scholarly treatise, and is directed at the male readers. Youse wimmins can go try to figure out what Yaz is or read the Oprah Book of the Month until tomorrow's post.

Ok, I'll see you ladies then. Take care, have a nice night.

Are they all gone?


Ok, guys, here's what I need you to know. I am one of the foremost students of wimmin. I study them, and have even lived with a few of them for research purposes, so I'm pretty much an expert. Now, here is what I learned today while watching The Price is Right.

We don't have to buy stuff for wimmin. Nope. I'm telling you, Drew Carey suggests that they MAY be getting a new car or jewelry or a washer/dryer (They rarely do) and yet they have a reaction that could only be described as "orgasmic." Photobucket

We've all read of this female reaction, but so few have ever seen it outside of the fake ones in movies. Yet when Drew says "What do you bid for this stuffed aardvark," they attain nirvana, shaking and crying and according to When Harry Met Sally, that's the goal of every man.
Have what she's having
I know what you are thinking. "But Crotchety, you have already adorned the Crotchety Old Lady with the finest jewels and even bought her an ergonomically designed snow shovel. Isn't it a bit late in the game to change?"

Yes, Grasshopper, I understand your concern. But, it will all be explained in my new book, "Wimmin, Go Figure.
A Manly Man's Guide to Chicks in the 21st Century."

I expect this book to be one of the most important ever written, and it should will be included in most college level wimmin's studies programs.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Caption This, Here's Your Sign Edition

Little different this week. What should we write on her sign?


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Where Have All the Characters Gone?

I was going to blog about butter chicken, but I'll put that on my food blog. So, instead, here is what is on my mind today--where the heck are all the "characters?"

When I was growing up, my father had a bunch of acquaintances in his 'hood who could only be considered characters. They had cool nicknames, and some were beyond quirky.

I grew up surrounded by Hootch, Googsie, Big T, Red, a couple Lefty's, Uncle Bunny, Ded's, Alfred the Great, Joe the Indian, Whitey, and "That Adversary Guy." While each had their own strange backstory, one stood out. As you have probably guessed, "That Adversary Guy" was the most interesting of the bunch.

I'm pretty sure "That Adversary Guy" had a real name. I never heard it. Hanging out at the garage on the corner, when anyone talked about "That Adversary Guy" everybody knew who they meant.

So, how did he get that name? The guy had some bad luck from time to time. Nothing horrible, just normal stuff. Like, his car needed gas. He was convinced that he didn't use a lot of gas, but that it was being siphoned out of his car at night by...say it with me as I'm sure you see where this is going...His Adversary.

A tear in his jacket pocket? I wonder how it got there?

I'll take "His Adversary, for $500, Alex." A hole in his shoe?

Once again, his adversary.

You are getting it now.

But he wasn't totally crazy. He lived in a house, had a job, dressed well (except for when "His Adversary" did those dastardly deeds) and drove a nice car, although it was prone to having gas siphoned by you know who. And the guy had normal conversations about everything else.

If only his adversary would have left him alone.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Whatever Became of?

Do you ever wonder what the heck happened to some of the really popular stars/pitchmen of a few years ago?

Even more so, how could someone so huge, so universally well known, be virtually unknown in a few years?

Just for laughs, see how many of these huge media stars you ever heard of, or remember. They were huge in the 60's through the 90's. Using Google isn't fair.

Billy Blanks

Graham Kerr

Bill Cullen

Bert Convy

Susan Powter

Burt Mustin

Euell Gibbons

Scatman Crothers

Uncle Floyd

Sandy Becker


Marlon Perkins

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Saving TV for Future Generations

Sing it with me

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,
That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the Skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour. A three hour tour."

Nearly every one of us knows the words and the melody of the Gilligan's Island Theme. The show unites us, hell, it unites generations as we watch reruns years after the fact and wonder if Gilligan and company will ever get off the island.

Remember the episode where they almost got rescued, but Gilligan screwed it up? We all do.

Today, it seems, every show is a reality show (ok, some producer's idea of reality. How often do you get trapped in a remote part of the world, or go for a 14 week job interview, or take a tour bus to find a mate?) Feh!

So, the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters Entertainment Division is hard at work developing new TV programming. Eventually, we'll have an entire lineup, but wanted to give you a peak at what we have so far.

Our first thought was "Game Show." Outside of the Price Is Right, with Drew Carey, game shows are all but gone from the TV lineup. Ok, I suppose there is Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, but they have been on so long and are boring. Trivia questions and a stupid wheel? How 1971!

Our idea?


Loosely based on the kids game of the same name, but will be more fun to watch in a game show format. By identifying TV doctors Photobucket

and playing "Does this look infected to you?"
contestants are able to win the operation or enhancement of their choice.

Our next offering is a traditional sitcom. Ever wonder what happens to Hooters waitresses once they are no longer perky? Think of a combination of Cheers and the Golden Girls, and you have


Serving up wings, brews, and laughs
The weekly series should provide plenty of giggles as the 3 leading ladies serve customers a huge order of snarky banter while living life to the fullest as working senior citizens. Currently we are negotiating with Cloris Leachman, Angela Lansbury, and the late Estelle Getty to play the waitresses in the ensemble cast. Abe Vigoda is expected to have a recurring role as Mort, the handyman.

The staff seems to be doing a good job so far. Are you as excited by this new venture as we are?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

File under "You can't make this crap up"

Did you see the story of the mom in Florida who is demanding the school reprint all the yearbooks because her little dumbass girl has a very unflattering photo of her in the yearbook? Seems the little moron princess decided to "go commando" so she didn't have those embarassing panty lines in her yearbook photo. Then, she sat in such a way as to expose herself.

And such a thing would cause irreparable harm, and haunt her the rest of her life.

She has bigger problems than that.

Not for nothing, but how vain is someone so worried about a stupid high school picture that she thinks about panty lines in a group photo? And maybe someone could have taught her not to sit like an NFL linebacker.

Cross your legs, Honey

Friday, May 15, 2009

Caption winner announced

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship had a lot of fun picking this week's winner.

It was a tough choice as the Dyer Boys again came up with hilarious captions, and also points were scored by Jenn, Don, Sandee, Crabby Blogging Lady, Swirl Girl, Mike Foster, Lipstick, MA Fat Woman, and Nonamedufus. It was very close, and the winner is

"Excuse me. Can you give me aerial directions to the Pentagon?"

Mike aka Spaz


He wins the Zucchini and 500 EC credits.

Second place went to one of the Dyer Boys. Does it matter which one?
Third was Quirkyloon.

Thsnk you for participating and making this another great contest with nearly 40 really funny captions.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What a Coincidence!

Yesterday, in the Humorbloggers dot com chat room, we were speaking about coincidences. You know, small world stuff, crap happens for a reason, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about some of the weird coincidences in my life.

I met the Crotchety Old Lady and it turned out that her father and my mother had worked for the same company, at the same time, many years ago. Considering that it was not the biggest employer in the county, plus many other factors like they lived very far from each other, really makes that a pretty unusual coincidence.

And then, would you believe that my ex wife and her ex husband grew up about a block away from each other? Again, pretty weird considering it's not like we all lived in small town America. We aren't even from the same town, nor from the town our exes were from. The last bit of weirdness is that I have lived in 2 different places in my adult life. Both times I wound up moving next door to cousins who I hadn't seen in many, many years. I didn't even know they were my cousins at first.

Yeah, we weren't a particularly close family.

What strange coincidences have taken place in your life?

BTW, if you have a chance, here is a video on Youtube of my friend's Mom's appearance on local TV. If you have a chance to watch and leave a message, you can help make an older lady happy. Her story is fascinating, yet sad.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

You Can Bank on It.

Disclaimer: All folks who work the drive thru window may not be the dumbest people on the face of the earth, however, the dumbest ones I ever met work the drive thru window at the bank.

Yesterday, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, and I was reminded of a few dumb bank worker experiences that I have had.

My current bank (actually a credit union) has absolutely the worst customer service anywhere. If no one is in line in front of me, I can count on taking at least 5 minutes for the simplest transaction. For me to just deposit a check, it takes at least that long. If I want to take money out?

Other banks have opened branches, gotten government bailout money, wasted it, and merged with other banks in less time. I need to provide 2 forms of ID, a note from all my grandparents, and my third grade report card, along with a urine sample and a complete and detailed explanation of how I plan to spend my money, if they decide to give it to me. After providing all that documentation, the teller usually goes to lunch, and I have to go through the process all over again, or wait until the original teller returns from lunch in 3 days.

Ok, maybe I've exaggerated slightly, but seriously, it has taken as long as 15 minutes to deposit a simple paycheck and get a few dollars back as the teller checks, then rechecks, then runs a report.

But, the single dumbest drive thru teller I ever encountered ever was a few years ago.

Sadly, this stoy is 100% true.

I had 4 (four) $50 bills, cash total $200. Here's where it gets tricky. I told the teller I wanted to deposit $180.

She then told me that my balance was under $20, so I couldn't get $20 back until the deposit (of $200 in cash) cleared.

I patiently explained to her that it was cash. She told me it was bank policy.Photobucket

Now, I have entered the realm of "Difficult Customer." I could see it on her face. I could see it in her dull eyes, reflecting her barely functioning brain.

I demanded that she go to ask someone else. She was pretty annoyed. She slammed the counter. I wasn't driving off, though.

Finally, I demanded to see the branch manager. She was pretty angry as the incredibly stupid seem to always be. She walked away in a huff. A few minutes later, she returned, and, as she let me know, as a courtesy, she agreed to give me my $20.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Paranoid? Who? Me?

I was interviewed by Loud Noises, Big Plans and featured by Don both on the same day, Mother's Day, which makes me question my gender identity, and also whether I have days to live or something like that.

I checked, and the Crotchety Old Lady or the Spawn haven't taken out any new life insurance policies, and I'm no more messed up than usual. I also checked and I still have manly naughty bits, so it's not that. So, who knows what they are up to? They probably ran out of everyone else.

And speaking of running out of everyone else, while watching the golf tournament this afternoon, the announcers are really struggling with Tiger Woods acting so human. Instead of fawning over him, they try to talk about other stuff. And boy, do they get in trouble when they try to talk and think.

It was mentioned that one golfer is married to his wife. As oppossed to?

And that brings up another weird golf thing. It must be absolutely quiet as the player gets ready to hit his shot. What a bunch of babies. It's not like the ball is moving, like baseball, where a 100 MPH ball is zipping towards a hitter, or football, where a 300 lb lineman is running to seperate the ball from the runner. Both of these take place in front of 50,000 screaming fans.

When the golfer finally strikes the ball, the gallery starts chanting "Get in the hole," or something similar as that must help. Photobucket

Have a happy Monday

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, and all across the country, Mom's get treated like royalty. Dinners out, candy, flowers, and who knows what else.

Enjoy the day, and have a Happy Mother's Day.



Saturday, May 09, 2009

How About A Brazilian?

The late, great George Carlin said that funny stuff is always happening and it's the comic's job to point it out.
As a humorblogger, my job is very similar. And yes, I am a professional humorblogger. It doesn't matter that I make about 12 hours a dollar, but what does matter is that in my more or less delusional state, I consider myself to be one.

So there. Photobucket
I am so immature
Anyway, while looking through the want ads to find a job for the Crotchety Old Lady because she is driving me crazy sitting around here she wants to keep busy. I noticed, probably due to the poor economy, several "Jobs wanted" listings for women willing to clean houses. There have always been a few of these, but it just seemed to be so many of them.

And a few really got my attention. They offered "Bazilian Style Housecleaning."

Got me to thinking, and I let the Crotchety Old Lady know that when she goes back to work, I will hire some housekeepers Photobucket
to come by and clean our home "Brazilian Style."

You'd think she would have been more appreciative. Nothing seems to make that woman happy.

I was tagged by PJ of PJ's Prose with the
The staff and I appreciate it when the blog receives any recognition, but we don't tag anyone or follow rules because, well, we do tend to get easily distracted and mess them up.
Thank you, PJ.

I like to read her blog, it's a personal blog, kind of a mixed bag, and a fun read.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Caption Winner Announced

"What a great contest" was heard throughout Headquarters this week. It was nearly a clean sweep for the winner, yet so many other captions made the judges laugh. Shawn, Stacie, Lady Sarcasm, Secondary Roads, Lola, Jenn, Jen, Mike Foster, Nonamedufus, Deb, and Moooooog all made the judges forget that I haven't paid them.


They work here for the love of the captions.

Actually, I’m pretty sure this day of Christmas is supposed to be “six geese a-laying,” not “six geeks sashaying.
Philip Dyer

He wins the

While Stacie came in a very close second, and Lady Sarcasm was third.

Thanks to everyone for playing along.
And my scammer friend didn't call back. Photobucket

Thursday, May 07, 2009

My Favorite Scammer Ever

I was sitting here watching The Price is Right minding my own business, when the phone rang. I have caller ID, so it was obvious that the call was either a telemarketer, or something equally exciting. I couldn't answer the phone quickly enough.

When I did, I heard someone with an accent, and lots of talking in the background. It was a call from a boiler room.


Everyone knows I love a good telemarketer call, and this one had all the promise to be a great one. Read on for what may have been the greatest telemarketer scammer call I ever received. I only wish I had recorded it as it was so good, I hope I don't forget any of the nuances.

It started, as all good calls do, with the scammer asking for the Crotchety Old Lady. Actually, he asked for Frances, which is her name. This confuses most telemarketers as her name could be man or woman. Well, except for the fact FrancEs is traditionally the spelling for a woman, while FrancIs is usually a man. Ok, I can fogive that most aren't aware of that, so it's all good.

I told him she wasn't here. He then went on to tell me he was from the FTC, and I had been scammed. He gave me the name of the company that scammed me (or Frances, it didn't seem to matter to him.) And because he was from the FTC, he was going to replace all the money that was scammed, plus give me $25,000 insurance to be sure it wasn't going to happen again.

Woohoo! My government at work.

And, the best part is, I didn't need to send him any money. Nope, just give him my checking account number, and he would forward the money Frances was scammed. Oh wait, you're not Frances? No problem. We'll send the money you were scammed, because it turned out both you and Frances were each scammed out of $2,000 in 2002 by eVoice.

Good thing he called. Let me give you a bit of the dialog that followed between me and SG (Scammer Guy) after he asked for my checking or savings account so he could forward me all the money that had been scammed from me.

Me: But I don't have a checking account or savings account. Can you just send a check?

SG: No, the US Government doesn't send checks. They don't trust the mail. Anyone could just steal my check and cash it. (Nice to know the Fed doesn't trust the Postal Service or the banking industry)

Me: Ok, just give me your phone number and I'll call you back.

SG: No, there is no way for you to call me directly.

Me: The US Government doesn't have a phone number?

SG: I'm not from the government.

Me: But you told me you were from the Federal Trade Commission.

SG: Well, yes, but not the regular government.

Me: Oh. Ok, then just send me the check.

SG: Can you go and open a checking account so we can send you the money?

Me: No, I can't leave the house. It would be so much easier to just send me a check.

SG: Ok, let me check your information. Your name is Frances?

Me: No, I told you 10 minutes ago it wasn't.

SG: So, what is your name?

Me: Joe Ungatz. (this is my official fake name)

SG: Can you spell that.

Me: Of course I can.

SG: So, will you please.

Me: Sure. U-N-G-A-T-Z

SG: And your address is (he had my real address. This was a well prepared scammer)

Me: Great, so you can send me the check.

SG: No, direct deposit only.

Me: But I don't have an account.

SG: Ok, I'll have to call you tomorrow.

I am so looking forward to his call today. I'm trying to think of goofy stuff to ask him. Any suggestions will be considered.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Happy Cinco De Mayo


I was going to join the Random Tuesday movement that is making it's way around the blogosphere, but I never do random thoughts. Each one of my posts is carefully constructed, and flows along logically.


Stop snickering. I mean it.

That's better.

Anyway, in between inventing things to help mankind, and helping distribute quality products through Crotchety Old Man Enterprises, I work on writing. Right now, I'm writing a play, Zombies in Love, which is the epilogue to Romeo and Juliet. Capulets, Montagues, and, of course, Zombies. It will be the love story of the ages. So far, I just have the idea, so if anyone else writes it, that's ok, because my overall laziness keeps interfering with my ability to get anything done.

Actually, it's not just laziness. I get distracted easily by, oh, I don't know, something shiny.

Ok, what was I talking about? Oh, now I remember, random stuff.

Today is my brother-in-law Al's birthday.

So, I wanted to wish him the best


Make sure you stop by tomorrow for the caption picture.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Zombie Apocalypse Confirmed by Government

Not only has the US Government confirmed it, but the Mexican Government corroborates the information.

Here is the proof.

It was announced last week, that 150 had died from the Swine/Avian/H1N1 Flu.

Yesterday, it was announced that the number was around 20. That means that over 100 victims are now undead.

And, of course, undead=
Holy crap! Zombies
My blogging buddies Quirky and Jenn have been warning of this for months, and now, it looks like the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.

But today is your lucky day...well, as lucky as one can be during the Zombie Apocalypse.

For a limited time, Crotchety Old Man World Wide will be selling everything you need to defend yourself amd your loved ones during these trying times.

Cricket bats in designer colors



Or, for the ultimate in Zombie protection


Choose wisely.

And aim for the head.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

My First Invention;Time to Call Billy Mays

My recent post asking for ideas for inventions brought about many great ones. So, I've been thinking, designing, and working hard to come up with at least one invention this week.

It seems many of youse are getting older and rather forgetful. Between misplacing keys and cell phones, everybody needs something to keep better track of these things.

So, for everyone who is tired of losing their keys or other small items, I present the
"Uber Fob."
Phone not included

Using a triple chrome plated heavy duty tow chain and a recycled, all weather, all season radial tire. along with a designer (maybe Chip Foose) genuine magnesium wheel, the Uber Fob is both practical and attractive.

This is available from Crotchety Old Man Invention Development Division.

Call 867-5309 and ask for Jenny, the operator handling this particular product.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Flu Update

The flu danger level continues to rise.

Yesterday, your reporter revealed that it has reached "Holy crap, we are all going to die" level, so we can only assume that you are one of the few remaining survivors.

As such, you are getting one of the greatest opportunities ever. Crotchety Old Man Flu Fighters, a division of our World Wide HeadQuarters and Discount House of Worship, is offering a complete line of prophylactic products to prevent the Swine/Avian Flu hybrid also known as the H1N1.463 double play.

We have something for every budget.

For those who want the very best and to protect the entire family, we recommend
A Biodome

But not everyone has the cash for such a purchase, yet they still want to be safe, so we offer high fashion hazmat suits in designer colors
Perfect for work or play

If you are more the traditionalist, there is, of course, the "Classic Bubble Boy"

But times are hard. Lots of good folks are out of work. So, for the truly budget conscious, we offer
Safety at a Discount

Order today. Operators are standing by.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Caption winner announced; Swine flu update

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship spent most of the week hiding under their desks from the Swine Flu (scientific health code number 867-5309.) They were finally convinced to come out and vote after HQ was thoroughly wiped down with Pine-Sol and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Anyway, we received nearly 50 captions, so the work was tough for them.

Lots of great captions received attention. Moooooog, Secondary Roads, My Daily List, WaltSense, Quirky, Lauren, FishHawk, Nooter, Swirl Girl, Tahtimbo, Philip Dyer, and Jessie.

Garden gnomes sure do come in a wide variety these days.

And the winner and the Zucchini goes to Douglas Dyer

Second place is Winky Twinky, and third was FishHawk.
Thanks to everyone for participating.

And as for the Swine Flu update, last I checked, it has reached the point where I don't want anyone breathing around my blog. Please read quickly and hold your breath while doing so. I'll be bleaching the website every 4 hours until further notice. Don't touch the screen, and don't ask for a bite of my sandwich. And no, I can't give you a ride to the doctor's office.

Sorry. I hope you understand, but the flu threat level has been raised from "Pretty darn serious" to "Holy crap, we are all going to die."

Help yourself to a Kleenex and get the heck out of here. Photobucket

If we live through the night, I'll see youse tomorrow with more flu updates.