Wednesday, December 31, 2008


My Favorite Places

A Little Piece of Me
After Dinner Mint
Amy Oops

Bee's Musings
Beyond Left Field
Brazen Teacher
Broadway Matron

Can You Be a Part of My Life?
Celeb Obsessed
Comedy Plus
Confessions of a Reforming Geek
Crabby Blogging Lady
Cup Of Snarky

Dad the Dude
Dead Rooster
Debbie Does Drivel
Downloadable Ryan Garns
Drowsey Monkey
Duck and Wheel with String


Harley Blue's Beatles Site
Hillbilly Willy
How Is Bradley?
HR Pro Blogs

I Say hella
It's a Funny Thing


Jane Q Citizen
Jersey Bites


Kitchen Table Medicine
Kitchen Retro

Lady Sarcasm
Life as I know it
Life Is Good
Lipstick at the Mailbox
LOL Factory
Lorelei Mahoney


Middle Aged Dating
Middle Aged Fat Woman
Midnight Garden
Mom's Crazy Life
Ms. Macky's Journey
Musings of a Quirkyloon

Nanny Goats in Panties
Ned the toothpick
Nooter the Dog
No Named Dufus

Of Cabbages and Kings
Olga The Traveling Bra

Philly Today
Plain Ole Mike
Predator Press
Pregnant with Cancer


Raw Cool
Redhead Ranting
Rebellious Arab Girl

Sanity On Edge
Savvy Witness
Say What?
Scott's Tip of the Day
Shadow Crystal
Soggy Doggy Bloggy
Speak, Dog
Stacie's Madness


Tales of My Aching Feet
The dairy Free Diva
The Exaggerator
That Tears It
That's Funny Because
The Garden of a Flower Girl
The Hussy Housewife
The Humor Smith Chronicle
The Junk Drawer
The Maaaaa of Pricilla
The Medium Bus
The Natural State Hawg
The Offended Blogger
The Pumpkin Patch
The Shark Tank
The Snarky View
The Soccer Mom Files
Thoughts of G
The Wise Young Mommy
Tiggy Blog
Time Thief
Times Observer
Trac a 'Crat

Wit's Bitch

Caption This: New Year's Eve Edition


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Now What

The Christmas Holiday came and went, so now the Crotchety Old Lady is not speaking to me.

I know, it's possibly my fault. It's nearly always been my fault, so I'll just presume once again, it's something I did, or in this case, didn't do. Before Christmas, we had a "discussion" and she said, "Well, just don't get me anything." So, I didn't. Who could have guessed that she didn't mean it?

Now, let's say it's rather chilly here. So, I have to try to make it up to her.

I found these earrings:


They are made in Maine, and aren't exactly production line junk. They are made of all natural materials, so she should be happy, right?

Since she is more annoyed than usual, I thought I'd get her this too:

Youse would never believe all the unusual stuff I found Here.

So, do you think this stuff will cheer her up? I know it's really killing her not being able to wait on me chat.

And, if anyone is in a really helpful mood, it's almost New Year's Eve. I'm taking suggestions for possible resolutions for 2009 for me. I can't come up with anything, so if anyone has any ideas, they will be welcomed.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Monday Morning Coffee Chat

I like coffee but it tends to have negative effects on me at times, but every so often a cup is nice. On Christmas, my sister made some Mystic Monk Coffee. My concern, of course, was what do the monks do to the coffee to make it so mystical. It turns out that the monks are just into coffee. That was a great relief to me. I was truly afraid it was similar to Kopi Luwak coffee. I’m sure you have heard of that by now. It is coffee, errmm, “processed” by cats. Yeah, people pay crazy big bucks to drink coffee made from beans that have “passed through” civets, also known as Toddy Cats.
But before you decide to feed coffee beans to Fluffy in the name of a better morning beverage, just be assured, it probably won’t work. Civets aren’t really cats, but are some freaky looking Asian critter that looks like a cat, but is probably more like a weasel. Which incidentally, raises another point, as Weasel Coffee is also being produced. You can look it up on the Google.

This, naturally, brings me to scientists with crappy jobs. As bad a job as those scientists who had to taste ear wax had, right now, as we speak, scientists are experimenting to see if farm raised civets can produce cat poop coffee every bit as good as wild cat poop coffee.

Imagine that conversation as the scientist comes home to the family for the Holidays.

"So, Nigel, what are you doing with that fancy schmancy doctorate degree from the University that set your mother and me back thousands and thousands of dollars? Curing cancer, AIDS, or world hunger?"

"Yes, I'm working with food technology and biological interactions thereof."

Best Part of Waking Up


Have a Happy Monday. How do you take your coffee? Mine is cat poop free.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

What's irritating me today?

I've been complaining a lot lately. It's probably the season--too much year end happiness is interfering with my crankiness. But celebrities are the most annoying people on the planet.

Anyway, Tom Cruise is in a new movie, and he has been hitting all the talk shows, and it's getting a lot of buzz.

It sounds like a pretty good film, and more than once, I've heard Tom referred to as a hero for undertaking this role. A friggin hero? He will make, according to what I found on the Google, somewhere between 30 and 60 million dollars to dress up and pretend he is someone else. That is what makes someone a hero today? For that matter, if Tom Cruise is a hero, then a mime must be a superhero. After all, a mime dresses up and pretends he is in a box, which is way harder.

The next celebrity that is starting to annoy me could probably qualify as a two-fer. A-Rod and Madonna. Not sure which of these dunderheads annoy me more. A-Rod is a young, extremely rich, and apparently good looking athlete. He plays for one of the most famous teams in the world. And he can't do better than a haggy, thrice divorced, trampy 50 something year old? Not to be sexist, but come on, A-Rod, it's not cool to date your high school crush when you're 35. And, to say I'm sick of Madonna already would be the understatement of the year. Toots, you're in your 50's, with a bunch of kids, plus at least one you picked up as a souvenir when you went to Africa, how about settling down? And what the heck is wrong with fans who look up to these chowderheads?

And lastly, celebrity parents are getting on my last nerve. Is Billy Ray Cyrus a dad or Miley's pimp/press agent? It's kind of hard to tell. Pretty much the same deal with the Spears's parental units. You really want to help your kids? Get the damn cameras out of the house. No one needs to see you making Britney cheese grits, you loon.

Finally, what is the deal with hospitals advertising on TV and radio? Who doesn't choose the same hospital as everyone else? It's called "The Closest." I think I'm having a heart attack, or I get hit by a bus, I'm not thinking about which hospital has the best commercial jingle or whatever. And then hospitals complain about losing money. Does this make sense to anyone?

See you tomorrow. I think I need to get my Xanex script refilled.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Caption prize winner and so very much more

This is a super sized Saturday Edition. Pour yourself an extra large hot chocolate with double marshmallows, butter up a toasted muffin, and read on. With the Holiday, I have been holding back, so this post will be attempting to make up part of the half arsed posts of the last week or so. I hate when life interferes with the funny stuff.

First on the agenda:
Not a lot of captions, must have been some sort of other stuff going on. Oh, yeah, Christmas and all that.

I gave the staff the week off, so this week and next, there is a special judge.

This week's winner is Charmaine from Middle Aged Dating


After suffering from a mild identity crisis Rex, the German Shepard, went off his meds and applied for an opening posted on Craig's List to be one of Santas Reindeers. He did not get the job.
Santa: You can't fly, you're a dog. Stop wasting my time.
Rex: I can too fly you (bleep)
Santa: Get this stupid dog outta here.
The dejected canine was spotted sky diving over Pasadena with a message for Santa. We have digitally altered it for publication: (Santa is a Shi*)Rex is currently being held at Pasadena County Jail on charges of defamation.

It was more a story than a caption, and the judge was suitably impressed.

Jenn was second, and Adullamite a close 3rd


Charmaine wins the Zucchini, and because she doesn't have entrecard (the best blog promotion tool around) she just gets the award and, of course, the acclaim of the entire interwebs.

My blogging buddy Ettarose awarded the blog this great badge this week.


It comes with no rules, no strings, no requirement to annoy pass it on to 137 of my closest friends. It just is one friend recognizing another.

I'm going to need a minute here. Photobucket

Thanks. I'm back.

Major Announcement: Alert the media!!!


The famous kidney stone that eerily resembles Rutherford B Hayes, thought to be lost in the general debris of the Crotchety household, has been found. The Crotchety Old Lady will be photographing it so it will be properly archived before being donated to the Rutherford B Hayes Library in Fremont, Ohio.

Sadly, it has been shuffled about, and some of the characteristics have been dulled, so it is vital that this important medical and historical artifact be preserved and saved for future generations. Give her a couple days to take care of that. Proper documentation takes time.

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Joy of Limoncello

I went over to the sister's house for Christmas dinner and had some of our family's traditional favorites. We had home-made ricotta cheese, some really good proscuitto di parma, Genoa salami, brasiole, meatballs, imported provolone and cavatelli. The gravy was my great grandmother's recipe, passed down for how ever many generations that is. The Sicilian wine flowed freely, so Mrs. Crotchety was in a mellow mood.

And, this year, my sister experimented with something totally new: she decided to try her hand at making limoncello. For the uninitiated, it is an Italian after dinner drink that is, apparently, half lemon and half rocket fuel vodka. I've had it before, and it is a wonderful after dinner libation, useful in digestion.

I needed to digest a lot, apparently.


I did toast to your health, too.

You are quite welcome.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, Everyone

Lidian posted this yesterday and it was just too good not to re-post. It's only about a minute. I think you'll enjoy it:

And while this Holiday Classic drives many of us crazy, this version is pretty entertaining:

I received chocolate rum balls from Reforming Geek, and they are spectacular. Thank you very much, Ms. Geek.

Guess what movie I'm watching?


Everyone have a Merry Christmas. Catch you tomorrow. I wonder how I'll post whenPhotobucket

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Caption This; Holiday Edition

Too close to Christmas to mess with Santa


Have a Merry Christmas

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Two for Tuesday

It's officially winter, and I am looking forward to spring. I may be jumping the gun highlighting blogs that specialize in flowers and plants, but I'm freezing my tuchas off and it has been snowing, or at least threatening to snow every day. It has been Christmas seemingly since October, and I just need something different. Plus both of these blogs have posted about and pictured some seasonal greenery. Yesterday's Christmas tree I drew didn't quite fill the bill.

The author of Water Once a Week has done a nice series on seasonal and Holiday plants featuring some of the legends and history of those bits of greenery we use to decorate our homes. Throughout the year, she shares some wonderful photos from her garden and farmer's markets, and various floral related sites in her Canadian neighborhood. Over the summer, she provided some great live links to Monarch Butterfly migration studies, too. I usually stop by every few days to have a look around her blog.

The second one I'd like to highlight is The Midnight Gardener Greg, the blog author, is a talented photographer who shares tons of photos. Most are from a very unusual perspective, and not your run of the mill petunia pictures. Probably my favorite series was his walking tour of the New England village near his home featuring a Christmas tree made from lobster traps. He recently went to Rockefeller Center, and took some very nice pictures of "The Tree." Those of us in the NY/NJ area don't need any more explanation than "The Tree." Tell someone you are going to the City to see "The Tree" and that is all we need to hear. The rest of the country would need to ask which city or which tree, but we all know.

I hope you enjoy these sites. Both are very visual, and both have well written posts to go along with the photos.

Another thing I like but may not have mentioned, these bloggers use mostly original photos, so you are not going to see the same things you have seen everywhere else.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Happy Festivus Eve

Today is Festivus Eve.

According to the Festivus entry in Wikipedia (a trusted source for informationPhotobucket )

Festivus is

A non-denominational holiday to be celebrated by those frustrated or jaded with the commercialism and pressure surrounding the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season

Some of the traditions include a Celebratory Dinner, during which there is an airing of grievances. The traditional meal could be spaghetti, meatloaf, ham or turkey.

For Festivus Eve, I went with spaghetti in a red sauce. As I aired my grievances with the Mrs., I learned that she isn't very interested in my grievances. Some people just can't seem to embrace the Holiday spirit.

Enjoy the Seinfeld clip explaining the origin of Festivus.

And may everyone experience their own Festivus Miracle.

I doodled this for the doodle blog


This would have killed Bob Ross. Good thing he's already dead.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Worst Christmas Gift

For the Humorbloggers, it was requested that I write about my worst Christmas gift ever. It's part of a carnival, so you can visit my friends and see some of their entries.

I have been fortunate enough to have gotten some really great Christmas gifts in my lifetime. In fact, I could tell you about my favorite present ever without hesitating. My worst gift? That takes some thought.

You know how "they," whoever the heck "they" are, always say it's not the gift, its the thought that counts? What if one receives a gift that leaves one wondering, "What the heck were they thinking?"

Right in the running would have to be the bread box I got one Christmas. I mean, an appliance is a pretty bad gift, so where does something not quite up to the standards of an appliance, yet still kitcheny, rank? Pretty low, if one were to venture a guess.

But the worst gift ever is one that most would consider a pretty good gift. Does that make me some sort of gift snob? Oh no, far from it, gentle reader. This horrible gift, one that even someone as magnaminous as you may consider a good gift, is...Macy's Gift Cards. Hang on and I'll explain why they suck.

What does a Macy's gift card say? It screams "I had to get you something, and really didn't want to put the effort of finding out what you want or need. I have completed my obligation. See you next year." And as the ultimate passive aggressive gift, it does not allow the opportunity to shop where I want, as I am limited to one store. A nice, relaxing dinner out? Nope, they don't accept "Macy Money." Drop a few bucks in Atlantic City? Nope, Donald Trump won't allow me to place a bet using a certificate normally for 600 thread count sheets.

And every single year, I got the same thing from the ex's family. You could just feel the love. And, what do you buy for the people who buy you a Macy's Gift Card? That's right, the exact same thing. And every Christmas, we all exchanged $25 Macy's Gift Cards. One year, I suggested that we have a grab bag, and buy one really nice gift for someone special. I was pooh poohed as if I were some sort of Grinch.

And that Christmas, we all dutifully cheerfully exchanged our Macy's Gift cards.


I guess it was better than the darn bread box.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Happy Saturday it's another rant

Everything outside is snow covered here in Central New Jersey, and it is gradually freezing over. Pretty typical for December. Ok, so why do the TV news stations just go freakin crazy when it starts to snow?

I live in Edison, NJ, and a TV station is in my town. They sent out a crew this morning to a town called Flanders, NJ, which is less than 40 miles away. That is driving distance, so in reality, it is probably 30 or so. Yup, in heavy snow, under conditions where they advised everyone to stay off the roads, the weather doofuses had a crew drive 40 miles to film snow from the exact same storm that was falling outside their office windows. Perhaps there was more to the story.

Maybe the unfortunate citizens of Flanders faced some special challenge due to the snow. They were awaiting a delivery of medicine to save the town from an outbreak of diptheria and only a dog team could get it to them on time due to the weather.

Oh wait, that was the plot of the movie, Balto.

There was absolutely no freakin' reason for them to drive 40 miles to film snow falling in Flanders. But whenever it snows, TV weather departments go ballistic. I am able to watch TV news on NYC channels 2,4,5,7,9,11 and the local news on channel 12. I also have several weather channels. And every one carried the news of the storm as if they had never seen this stuff before.

Ok, I can understand this for those who live in the South and only see snow every few years, but for gawd's sake it snows in NJ and NY every freakin year. And, really, now, is 2 or 3 inches of snow (most of which has already melted) that big a deal? A few years ago, we had 30 or 35 inches of snow--that was a storm. It had flakes the size of yarmulke's falling. There was thunder and lightening while it snowed.

Giant snowflakes and thundersnow, now that is weather news. 2 inches of wet snow? Give me a break. I want my infotainment, darnit.

A little early Christmas present:
**video removed because it offended Mrs. Crotchety. It also offended anyone with eyes and ears.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Prizes awarded; Bonus rant

First, the rant.
The Google should attach a warning with blogs. One suggestion: "This blog is so covered with freakin ads and stupid widgets that no one cares about, that if one should even consider opening said blog, expect it to take seemingly forever to load, and once loaded, be treated to, at best, some poorly constructed paragraph or two passing as information. This information, again, best case scenario, is trite. At worst, eyes will bleed and possibility of brain hemorraghing is real and The Google will accept no responsibilty as you have been warned, dumbass."

That would be really nice. And as an addendum, after being thoroughly annoyed by some stupid blog experience as I just had, where I got so tired of waiting for a page to load that I began to rant, what do you think are the chances I wanted to spend any time on the page looking at the many stupid freakin ads that took so long to load? Most successful retailers have found it best to not piss off the customer before they get in the door.

I get it, I really do. People need to make money. Some need it to pay for their domain, some for their ISP, heck, I'm sure some need it to put food on the table. But if anyone wants to use the 'net to make money, then darn it, how about learning how to set up your page so it loads in less than 3-5 minutes? If you are recycling crap articles, just to post something, you don't need a Digg icon slowing down your page. You don't need that dancing imbecile, or maps of the world, or even widgets showing your page rank, Technorati rank, or Alexa, or any other thing no one cares about except you. If I cared, I could find out in about 30 seconds.

The newest thing? Besides that freakin K Mart banner? The big "Page sponsored by" crap over your page. It annoys the heck out of me, but at least it's easy enough to click and make it go away. But it is one more thing to slow down your page, one more thing to drive away traffic. Maybe the guru of the month says that is the way to make money. I'm not sure as I barely make pizza money with my blog, but I'm not in it for the money. If you are trying to make the big bucks, good on ya. I hope you make millions. But try to do it without annoying the crap out of me, m'kay?

Now on to the important business of caption winners.

This week's truly captured the spirit of the Holiday season. The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship were hard pressed to pick a winner. They were that good. The Spawn is out filming in her big Bollywood debut, so I had to call in extra help to break a 6 way tie.

Confused about the placement of his hat, Santa is experiencing a slight wardrobe malfunction

By Reforming Geek.


Second place went to Shadow, while 3rd was Janna

6 captioneers did get first place votes including, obviously, Reforming geek, Shadow and Janna, along with Jenn, Lauren, and Don. Multiple votes were also received by Jorman, Chat, Adullamite, Angie, Heather, Chica, Claire, MA, Gumby and Freetheunicorns.

Have a Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Meh-ry Christmas

I'm sitting here enjoying my Christmas decorations.

I'm not saying they are really sad or anything, but basically, my festively decorated home consists of a Christmas card from my insurance agent and my Yule a Go Go (now with LED lights!) Christmas tree.

What happened? I used to really be into Christmas. I need to blame someone.

The Spawn (who by the way, is an extra in a Bollywood movie being filmed today) has pretty much outgrown toys and stuff. All of the Crotchety Old Lady's grandkids just want cash. Bottom line, another toyless Christmas. Photobucket

I suggested that maybe we have a kid. That didn't go over very well. She said caring for one big baby at a time is enough. I have no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she was just cranky because I complained that she didn't stir my hot chocolate right. She can be like that, you know.

But I like toys, darn it. I thought about setting up my trains (I have a few hundred) but they bore me.

I have suggested to the Crotchety Old Lady how much fun it would be to set up a slot car track in the living room, but she's against it. *sigh*

I even picked one nice set out for her, and I'm pretty sure that annoyed her even more.

There is just no making that woman happy some days.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Caption this

Happy Holiday Edition


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Two for Tuesday

I'm going to really get a lot of mileage out of the "Two fer" concept.

First, the blog received 2 awards.

One is from the Goddess at (which is a personal blog)


and the second is from (which is a place to find nice hand- crafted jewelry)

I don't usually pass them along for a couple reasons. First, I usually pass them along to Jenn, and she complained about the upkeep. You know, virtual dusting. Liberal applications of Glass Wax, stuff like that. Second, they come with so many rules, I will most likely screw them up. Rather than do that, and put a burden on the recipient, I'm just going to give an award, stringless as it were, and show some of my readers some of the great blogs I read.

I'd like to pass along one award to Charmaine at
Charmaine describes her misadventures as a woman in her 40's in the dating world. She is hilarious. When she takes a "dating break" she posts some awesome recipes, along with a story. In her most recent post, she talked about veal. I haven't eaten veal since sometime in the 1980's, and after reading her post, I'm still not eating veal, but she makes a compelling argument for some veal dish this weekend. I'd like to bestow the Kreativ Blogger Award on her.

The next blog I'd like to highlight, and give the Blog Love award to Laura from
and her husband Paul from

Talk about really pushing the Two fer concept. This husband and wife team write seperate health blogs and are both a good read. I hope you enjoy all the blogs I highlighted today.

I'm going to be busy scouring the interwebs searching for an extra special picture to caption this week.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid It will be interesting.

Monday, December 15, 2008

This Bank Can Not Fail

We have joined with over 100 New Jersey Bloggers to raise awareness (and a little cash) to help out New Jersey's Community Food Bank. With the economy so bad, donations are way down. I know so many are hurting, and the Crotchety Household budget is stretched kind of thin, too. I'm squeezing out a couple bucks and passing it along. I know I am asking to help NJ residents, but, if you live in an area that is hurting, I'm sure your neighbors there could use the help, too. I won't mind if you made a local donation.
And if you are lucky enough to live in the Garden State, maybe you could brownbag lunch one day this week, or skip the coffee at DD, and send a few bucks along. If everyone does a little, it will mean a lot.


One thing many of us don't understand unless we have personal experience is that our social network in the USA has some flaws, some cracks to fall through as it were. I've been fortunate enough that I had family to help me out, and not so long ago, I was nearly in deep sh*t. My medical bills were about seven hundred dollars a month more than I made. One med was $600 per month alone. According to the various social service people I contacted, I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much. They only go by the gross amount, so you can easily see how someone with a special situation could find themselves in trouble quickly.

Here's a list of the participants:

Here's where a few bucks could be tossed:

I'll be back to the usual nonsense tomorrow.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Beginning to look a lot like Christmas

We are starting to get in the Holiday spirit here at Casa Crotchety. Not decorating or anything like that because, well, that takes effort. But we have been watching a lot of Christmas TV Shows.
It dawned on me that I have watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer every single year since it first aired. I need a life.

Speaking of all the nonsense floating around in my brain: do you know the name of the Little Drummer Boy? He had a first name. And not fair if you use the Google.

Anyway, while poking around youtube looking for a classic commercial or two I found this:

When I was a little Crotchety, I remember thinking that was the height of Christmas Festive Adornment for the house. Obviously, I didn't get out much.

But anyway, we have been blasting the all Christmas music station for a week, and spent Saturday watching Cartoon Network. I have reached the following conclusions:
1. Olive the Other Reindeer may be my new favorite movie

2. Ross Bagdasarian Sr. (aka Dave Seville) was a genius
3. Brenda Lee has some weird accent or speech impediment that borders on yodeling

After reading all the complaints about Christmas music, I wanted to make my own top 10 list of songs I could listen to every day (in no order):
1. Silver Bells 2. Christmas Don't be Late 3. Dominic the Donkey 4. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas 5. Christmas Wrapping 6. Father Christmas 7. Hippopotamus for Christmas 8. Jingle Bell Rock
9. Run Rudolph Run 10. The entire South Park Christmas Album. (so I cheated a bit. I absolutely love that album)

How could anyone get tired of those?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Book Review Saturday

Welcome to an all new feature of the blog, my Satuday Book Review.

Don't get nervous that this will really become a regular feature. What are the odds that I am going to read another book? Considering I have not finished a book since Green Eggs and Ham, it's highly doubtful. In fact, I haven't even finished the book that I am reviewing today, but that's why I like this book so much.

Let me explain:

The book is Poems from a Baseball Fan by Howard Nobles. Mr. Nobles is the father of The Hawg from .

I know what you are thinking, "Crotchety.. poems... you?"

Hey, I'm a cultured guy. I swig beer sip tea and eat raw meat watercress sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

But being somewhat serious, these are poems about my favorite sport, baseball. And, since I know quite a bit about the history of the game, I really enjoyed some of the references to the old players like Eddie Gaedel. It's obvious Mr. Nobles is a long time fan.

The best part? His poems rhyme. None of those stupid haiku that I have complained about in the past. Just good, old fashioned, rhyming poetry. And a couple limericks for good measure. And, because they are independent, and short, they are perfect for someone like me with a short attentions span. I can open up to any page, and just read a poem or two.

My favorite is this limerick:
An error prone shortstop named Neft
Admitted that he was not deft
"I miss balls day and night
That are hit to my right
I also miss balls to my left."

The book can be ordered from Amazon, and would make a nice present for the old codger baseball fan in your life. It's a small book, too, not some ginormous coffee table edition that looks good sitting around, but never gets opened. And that is the purpose of books, I think. I have a few hundred here that I just read the first chapter or two, and then get distracted and never go back.

I wonder if Sam I am ever got him to try the Green Eggs and Ham?


Just some random stuff:
Is Pinoy the new Amway?

I had stuff delivered to my home. I live on a major road. Everyone in my state has heard of it. Most people on the East Coast have heard of it. Delivery company asked for a cross street. Why does the delivery guy drive up and down the cross street looking for my home?

Do you ever check to see how your blog loads? If you have lots of widgets and ads, and icons and videos and assorted crap, you probably should.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Awards and Such

The entire staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship has embraced the holiday spirit thanks to the great captions this week.

Unwrapping the Yule log
By Tahtimbo
Tahtimbo picks up the Zucchini Trophy and 500 entrecard credits.
Based upon total scores, Petra was 2nd, and Matt was 3rd.

Plenty of captions received points as Jenn, Petra, Dawn, Jormen, and Lauren scored first place votes with the judges, and Dani, Mike, Reforming Geek, Shadow, and Matt tallied multiple points.

The blog has gotten a few more awards this week.
Photobucket came from

All kinds of rules, and, as usual, I don't follow them. But I do appreciate the recognition. And that brings up the second award, and Heather from was kind enough to bestow this award on the blog.


Again, a bunch of rules, but I don't follow them simply because.
Anyway, the reason both of these awards mean a lot to me is that they recognize more than me, they recognize you, the loyal reader and blog participant. In fact, Heather even pointed out how hysterically funny my commentors are. I don't know how I got so lucky to attract the most brilliant and funny readers on the 'net, but I'm very appreciative. So, if any one of my regulars would like an award, please help yourself as you earned it as much as I did.

And yesterday's Secret Santa was the best. I was lucky enough to have Kirsten from draw my name, and she would have gotten me the most fantastic present ever. Go look, and anyone who knows me understands that she got me the absolute best thing EVER.


Lastly, a special note to Greenland.

Thanks Jormengrund

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Secret Santa Can Suck It

My wacky good friend, Bee ( ), at humorbloggers came up with an idea. A Secret Santa Can Suck It activity. As she describes it "you will post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared."

I was assigned the very funny Orion from

I don't know him all that well, so I have been reading his blog lately to get some ideas, because I really want to not get him something he will treasure for at least 3.14 minutes.

To begin with, the man likes toast. Toast is one of my favorite things, and I immediately decided to not get him an uber toaster, such as the one I own.

Almost as nice as mine

But it's the Holidays, darn it, and he should not get something even better.

Like all young guys, he would probably like some top notch alcohol.


More bounce to the ounce

But one good weekend, and the gift I didn't give him would be forgotten.

Finally, it hit me!!! The perfect gift to not give to Orion.



That's right. I'm not giving him a vacation to Brazil. And here is why it's perfect. Carnevale is nearly a week of drunken partying. With enough Holiday eggnog, and a photoshopped picture or two, he may be convinced that he actually did receive a gift.

Enjoy your days of partying, Dude.

This was so much fun, I may not buy a present for every one of my readers.

But not you. I'd really get you something nice cause we're BFFs Photobucket

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Caption this

Win craptacular prizes


You should have seen the picture Rubba thought was just too offensive.

Check back tomorrow for a huge surprise for one of the humorbloggers. It may be you.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Two for Tuesday

Today, on two fer Tuesday, rather than the regular humor blogs I usually highlight, I decided to mention some of the other ones I visit daily.
I've mentioned that I visit a lot of blogs every day. Usually in the 200-250 range. And I don't just drop entrecards. If I go to a blog, I read it. Fortunately, not all those bloggers update every day, so for many of them, I skim quickly and realize it was already read.
I like to learn stuff, and one of the best for that is the humor blog
Lidian posts ads from years ago, and points out the absurdities in them. That would probably be the best way to describe what she does so well. All I know is it provides a good chuckle every time. I particularly enjoy this blog because the ads give such an insight into life from days gone by. I wonder exactly how far back something has to have happened to be considered "days of yore?" Should probably check the Google. She also writes the Virtual Dime Museum blog, another with a historical bent, which is conveniently linked on her blog.

The second blog I wanted to highlight is one I absolutely look forward to reading. It is published twice a week, Wednesdays and Sundays, and is loaded with two of my favorite things, shiny stuff and old stuff. Jenn, of Cabbages also writes this fun blog about thrift store finds and decorating on the cheap. What I most enjoy, in addition to the shiny stuff, is she usually provides some history on her finds. I know she was surprised to find out a manly man like myself likes reading that stuff, but I assure you, it is darned interesting. Occasionally, there will be frilly bits, but enough history and shiny stuff to keep me interested.

On a side note, the Crotchety Old Lady became a collector of Victorian jewelry because I made a major mistake. That's why it is important for men to read this blog. A couple years ago, we went to a yard sale, and I saw a shiny thing. A nice pendant. I picked it up. It was a buck. Woohoo! I could probably make the Mrs. happy for only a dollar. Sweet.
That began the problem. I gave it to the Mrs., and she loved it. I thought I was golden. Until she researched and realized I made a pretty good find. It was a Victorian garnet, and worth a bit more than the buck I paid. I could sell it, and pocket a tidy profit, or she could take it and me to Atlantique City (one of the largest antique shows on the East Coast) and drag me through miles of jewelry vendors to find rings, bracelets, earrings, chains, and heaven knows what else to accessorize.

At least she bought me lunch.

Some NJ bloggers are cooperating on a serious subject. You can check it out here:

Monday, December 08, 2008

Someone Has A Case of the Mondays

Oy, I had an entire post here, all set to go, and it disappeared. Technology just pisses me off. And that reminds me--I need to write a post about technology. Ok, it is more than a post, but nevertheless, it has to get done, and a snafu like this just reinforces how much technology irritates the heck out of me.

And trust me, the post you would have read was one of my best ever. It would have made you laugh, cry, then take a short break for a snack and to go potty, then back again to laugh some more.

So, no ear wax technology, no updates on the stupid squirrels who are using my new ramp as Club Med Rodentia, skiing down it, eating nuts and basically having their little squirrel parties on it.

Before I leave you, I just wanted to let you know that in my never ending research to find out obscure factoids, I discovered that there is a National Joe Day. It's still a few months away, but I'll keep reminding you as we get closer. BTW, surprisingly, it is around the same day as my birthday. Weird, huh?

Have a great Monday.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Kick Back Sunday

I've got a big day of watching football today, and getting ready to place my Meadowlands Over/ Under bet. In most cases, the over/ under bet has to do with the score of the football game, but in Meadowlands Over/Under betting, we gamble on how many members of our teams will be facing jail by gametime.

It currently stands at 3, with 2 players from the Giants, and 1 from the Jets, and I'm betting the over. You need to understand, we have 2 teams, so that really raises the potential for indictments.


Professional Dumbass Plaxico Burress
If you don't follow sports, Burress, an incredibly talented player for the Giants, accidentally shot himself because he is an idiot in an unfortunate accident. His recently signed contract for over 30 million dollars will be negated. Yes, he is losing a contract for over $30,000,000 because he thought it was a good idea to illegally carry a handgun, in the band of his sweatpants. Stop laughing. I'm trying to be serious here. He didn't think anything bad could happen when he carried a loaded gun in his stretchy sweatpants. And, in case you missed the story, the gun slipped down his pants, and he accidentally shot himself. Photobucket Yeah, I know.

For those who are into making videos, my friend Kelly is having a nice contest at with some cash prizes. She is looking for original Holiday videos, and while her forte is music, she will accept other videos. You can find the complete rules on her site. Good luck, and have fun.

You can still vote on the sidebar in the election that never ends.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

The Saturday Morning Weirdness Post

Thinking about the posts that are the most popular among my sick and demented erudite readers, and the ones that immediately come to the forefront are my hospitalization ones, my unique pictures found while scanning various websites, and, of course, those that give my idiotically skewed unique views on life and stuff. This will be one of those.

The Crotchety Old Lady calls me Mr. Excitement. And here's why.
Friday night, you were probably out at the local tavern, pub, disco, cinema, or even visiting a friend. What was I doing? Blog research. My topic? Ear wax.
I went to WebMD and did you know, there is not a whole lot of information on it?

Now, a normal person would simply move on, but youse all know I'm not normal, and this now has become the focal point of my night. (yeah, I have a lot of free time)

First, I find out 2 very important earwax facts. Earwax is a lubricant, and it has a bitter flavour, according to The Google. Now, these two tiny facts open up a myriad of questions. I know you are thinking them, also. WTH is it lubricating? And the really big question, who tasted it? It's obvious, because the Google spelled the word flavour that it was a British scientist who performed this service. Is this normal behavior for British scientists? Was it on a dare? Were a bunch of scientists, after working all day on space age ear wax removal technology, having a couple warm brewskis (they are British, remember) when suddenly Gerald said to Henry, "I wonder what ear wax tastes like." And one thing lead to another, and next thing, they are dipping crisps into the pot of earwax in the lab.

Naturally, this leads to my next topic, Lindt Lindor Dark Chocolate truffles.
And here is something I found very weird. Possibly my absolute favorite thing is these delicious truffles. They are available from from various vendors, and I'm not making this up, used or new. Personally, I'd pay the extra money and get the new ones.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Awards time

An extra special post will be here tomorrow, but it's better to get back on schedule with our normal Friday passing out of Zucchini and other bidness.

Rubba didn't do captions this week, but I'm pretty sure he hacked into my photobucket account.

"Hey... you ladies wanna see my noodle?"
By Lord Loser who wins the coveted


In total points, Mike came in second, and Etta third. First place votes were also scored by Jenn, Etta, and Mike, while multiple points were earned by Canucklehead, Freetheunicorns, Diva, Swirl, Kirsten, Kalos, and the Mommy Bloggers Petra and Kickassmom.

More stats from this week: 25% of the judges were disgusted, and 17% of readers were scared and deeply concerned.

On to other important stuff: Kirsten, everyone's favorite Soccer Mom, passed along this award to the blog


If you are not a regular reader you certainly should be. She is not your regular mommyblogger. I assure you, that is a good thing. She is a member of the Humorbloggers group, which is your guarantee of quality funny.

And lastly, another blogging buddy, Ettarose, has tagged me with a meme. Etta is also a member of the Humor cabal, so you can count on her for top notch humor. Youse guys already know more about me than my family, so I'll spare you the seven random facts, and 7 tags of others. (remember when everything used to be 3?) and just give you one really funny one.

I have appeared on the cover of a professional journal, dressed in a Pacific Islander costume, complete with spear. No, I am not going to post the picture. Photobucket

Voting is still open. Do it for Greenland.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Can't Swing a Dead Cat without Hitting Moron

I know I don't live among the illuminati. If only I lived just one mile away, I would be in a town of folks who are much smarter than I am, and they can prove it. The local Post Office is the Brainy Boro office. You can't make this stuff up. They won the title years ago because in some contest, sponsored by the New York Times or some other rag, they proved more intelligent people lived in that town than any other, and won claim to the title "The Brainy Boro."

Yeah, I know, sounds more like they lost, but apparently, they were pretty darned happy about it, and stuck the moniker on a few buildings like the P.O.

But back to the knuckledragging maroons I deal with on a regular basis.

I've posted pictures of my legs and feet from time to time, so it's no secret I have some ambulatory troubles occasionally. My car has a handicapped hangtag, and I keep a wheelchair very visibly displayed. I use it when I have a bad day, otherwise I'm on crutches. Yes, the maroons I'll be talking about have seen me on crutches.

Not exactly able to hide a chair in this
Now, you ask, how do I know that I am surrounded by dumbasses?

Today, while sitting on my couch, I get a phone call from the office of the association.

Dumbass: Hello, is this Crotchety?

Me: Yes

Dumbass: I noticed that you had a new ramp installed.

Me: Yes (note: the ramp is a 40 feet long, 3.5 feet wide wooden monstrosity. Kind of easy to notice)

Dumbass: Oh, did you need a ramp?

At this point, I realize that I have encountered possibly the dumbest bastage in my town of dumbasses. What other possible reason could I have besides necessity?

Style? Did better Hovels and Gardens do a recent feature on snazzing it up with ramps?

Prestige? "Look Ethyl, them uppity Crotchety's got themselves a ramp."

Frivolous spending? I wanted to waste a few thousand bucks on an ugly stair replacement system?

Can you think of any more possible reasons? I'm stumped.

While I wait for your ideas, I'm going to roll up and down my ramp for a while. It's like a really crappy low budget roller coaster for gimps.

Still time to vote for me for Gimp Humorblogger of the Year. Thanks for your vote.

They can kick Tiny Tim's butt while ignoring Greenland at:

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Caption This

Caption this for Craptastic prizes


And don't forget to vote fior me in the final Humorblogger vote. The thing is right on my sidebar.
Thanks for our support.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I'm Home and Have a New Problem--You Can Help

My brother in law helped me get back home last night. He seemed pretty determined to get me and all my stuff out of his house


I've been thinking that I need to make changes. So, I examined my life, and decided to look at all my vices as that would be the logical place to start.

I gave up chasing women a while ago, so that's not one of my vices.

I have one or two beers a year, so that isn't even in the remote vicinity of vice.

I no longer go to strip clubs since the Crotchety Old Lady assured me that I don't like doing that.

I don't smoke, or do drugs, so they were never a good vice for me. Photobucket

That leaves my one final vice, fast food cheeseburgers. Damn, I am so boring.

So, here's where I need your help: once I give up cheeseburgers, I'll be like a saint on earth, and nobody likes that. I'll probably be all preachy and annoying.

So, I'm seeking a new vice. I'll accept any and all suggestions. About the only parameter, is it has to be one I haven't already had, and should be relatively benign. While I am pretty positive I would be a really good junkie or crackhead based upon my enjoyment of painkillers, we both know that could only lead to health problems even more destructive than my cheeseburger vice.

And the final voting for Humorblogger of the year is open, right on my sidebar. One vote per person, and I promise not to bother you for any more votes for a long while. Thanks.

I'm still ignoring Greenland