Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Christmas came and went and Mrs. Crotchety didn't get a present from me.

Let me run my idea past youse because usually your ideas are pretty good. I was thinking of a stripper pole. Good idea or great idea?

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas

Merry Chrismas to everyone!!!

May there be Peace on Earth!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Guess where I'm going in January?

Well after conferring for 2 months about my foot (not the reason I've been in the rehab center,) the doctors decided I need to be operated on.

So, until the sawblades have another whack at me, my phone number is 732.650.8419

If you haven't done your Christmas shopping for me yet, a phone call is the perfect gift.

And a special thank you to The Middle Aged Fat Woman who sent a box o' Christmas Goodies, along with phone calls.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Holiday Shopping

I wanted to buy Christmas presents for all my bloggy friends, but the shopping opportunties are rather limited.

Here is what is in your virtual Christmas package:

An adult diaper, available in white (how borinng)and sea (foam much more festive.)

4 oz. cups of cranberry juice

An autographed picture of my naughty bits ,suitable for framing, (not so special as nearly 300 health care professionals and a dozen nursing students have seen them already.

A Sponge Bath by Dave

Let me know which you picked... Or whether you picked them all.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Formula for sleep

Since so many of my internet buddies have trouble sleeping I'll share my sure fire way to a restful 8 hours.

Step 1 : Have bum washed with warm, soapy water.
Apply powder and fresh diaper.

Add Ambien 5 mg

Plus Dilodin (Also spelled Dilodid) 4 mg equals good night sleep.

You're welcome

By the way, Ambien is known for hallucinations involving giant chickens I am disappointed to say I was hallucinaton free.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I think I need another pain pill

Here's the long awaited first pulished photo of my surgery. Just looking at it makes me want to have the Lovely Nurse Treena inject me with some Dilodin.

I've been sick and in pain this week, so I haven't been able to post. Prepare to be filled in.

I had minor surgery on Monday. Idiot assistant doctor caught my back in some machine 4 (four, IV, quatro) times. leaving me slightly bruised. Yay for pain meds!

I decided to give up cursing, so if anyone calls me I'll mime most of the conversation.

This will be funnier for those who know me: I'm on food supplements and apettite enhancers. The nurses giggle when they give them to me. The supplemnts taste like a melted McDonald's vanilla shake, with added chalk for texture.

Type to youse soon.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Change is coming

I expect to be discharged in a few weeks. Mrs. Crotchety isn't too thrilled with my embracing of the diapered life, and she mentioned something about potty training.

Or was it paper training?

Ether way, warm soapy water clean ups are a thing of the past.

And I don't expect to say "Don't be shy, dig in there," anytime again soon.

Youse may have noticed I'm answering your cumments again. Proof I'm doing better.

I'll cut this short as the ambulance will be here shortly to take me to the doctors for an appointment and the pain meds are kicking in.

In about 5 minutes the hallucinations start.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The crazy night nurse strikes again

Regular readers know about ny crazy night nurse. She woke me up one time at 2 a.m. for my 4 a.m. pickup for dialysis. Another time she woke me up at 2 to make sure I wanted to get up at 3;30.

Well Friday she struck again.

My wake up time is 3:30 a.m. (Jealous? Don't be a hater)

Anywho, she comes into my room at 3:40 and I am sound asleep. She wakes me out of what was obviously a deep sleep then she asks me if I'm ready to go.

I smell like warmed over gym clothes, and my diaper smells exactly as you think it would.

No, I'm not. So she tells me they'll be in to get me ready, and hands me Dilodin. Normally, I get it before dyalysis because the transport guys are as gentle with me as Rocky with a side of beef. But if it is too early, I babble incoherently. It was too early. So I got to explain to transport what they had to do while I was high. Surprisingly it all worked out.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Groping nurses and more

As most of you know, September was a Dilodin filled month. I spent most of it sleeping and hallucinatting.

Or so I thought.

According to Mrs. Crotchety, and my doctor, both fairly credible sources, I had taken some nurse and refused to let her go.

I asked Mrs which nurse it was and she said she didn't know. I told her Ihoped it was Nurse Treena because she is the most beautiful nurse in the world. No such luck.

And now Mrs. isn't speaking to me.

Oh, I wanted to thank Marisa who called me yesterday. Her call was a pleasant break from the incredible boredom around here

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

So much great blog fodder

So much to say, I hope to have more days when I feel well enough to sit up and blog.
I hope to visit everyone's blogs soon. I've gone to a few over the last couple ofdays.

Because of my drain bamage I have trouble reading longer posts because I forget what I just read. I have trouble counting, too..

The mission of pt is to try to get me to stand up. I haven't stood in months, so it's kind of a major undertaking. They have put me in a couple weird Rube Goldberg (Kids look it up) machines. They have used various devices to do it, but so far, no luck. Today they couldn't even get me out of bed.

Be back tomorrow with some Diloudin-laced adventurous memories.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

In Support of Adult Diapers

I have been diapered for a few weeks, and to be honest, I'm enjoying them.

I'm sure most of youse still buy in to the "Big Boxer" Cartel or are under the spell of the "Tighty Whitey" Syndicate.

I'm here to tell you of the joy of adult diapers. Yes, friend, they are not just for funny pictures on Google images any more.

Here, in handy list form, are the top 10 reasons for the move to diapers.

1. Never again fear the wet fart.

2. The Texaco station bathroom is a germ infested nightmare. No problem.

3. Win bets with your friends. Next time at the bar, have a contest with your non diapered buddies, last one to use the restroom wins. Pound your favorite brew while enjoying the others squirming.

4. Your naughty bits and bum are cleaned with warm soapy water. Aaaah, yes, warm soapy water.

5. You can pee while talking to your mother-in-law. Expand the mental image as needed.

6. No need for a Halloween costume. You'll be the hit of every party.

7. Add a sash and instant Baby New Year. And it will be every bit as hilarious as Halloween.

8. Never leave in the middle of a movie for a bathroom break.

9. Now you don't have to carry a seat cushion to a sports event.

10. They are available in such designer colors as sea foam and eggshell. They go with any outfit.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Floodgates Are Open

Yesterday I set a record for the rehab center, 6 poops on one shift. Yea me.

Two qualified as mega pooooooooops.

So today, I took a chance with solid food, sausage and pancakes. The pancakes are a speciality here as they are crunchy.

Don't ask.

Because my bum and naughty bits have been so traumatized by recent events, the pt staff got a special cushion for my wheelchair. It cost $5000. You read that right.

My butt should be pleased.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Important poop update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know this is important because of all the exclamation points.

Yesterday, after the Fleet arrived, there was still no movement.

Then, while cleaning me up, the aide tried to help, erm, "manually."

Yes it did hekp because it appears my butt had Been atempting to form diamonds, not realizing that would only work if I ate a coal based diet.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


not this


dis one


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Phun with Pharmaceuticals

In case you missed it, I've been in the hospital the last 7 weeks enjoying surgery and other delights.

I also learned of Dilodin.

While I am no sort of recreational drug user, I almost look forward to various pain killers the doctor describes. This time I developed a favorite. Not only does Dilodin have incredible side effects, incredible halluciations, but no giant chickens. Instead I saw different people in my room and imagined my numerous gaseous emissions could be seen by me in shapes of mardi gras beads of various sizes and colors. Weird, huh?

I also have found out that sponge baths are not what they are cracked up to be especially when given by a guy named Linus.

I have lost count of the number of people who have seen and grabbed my naughty bits.

I have access and so I should be blogging regularly soon. I am making some progress.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Soon to be blogging...

Crochety is now at Cedar Oaks Rehab Center, Room 110A...still on THE PAIN DRUG...but in pill form so he is more alert when he isn't sleeping. Started physical therapy and his laptop was dropped off today. His new phone number is 732-650-8419.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Still On Drugs

Just wanted to let everyone know that Joe is out of ICU and off the telemetry floor. Believe it or not he is back on the floor he spent 4 weeks on with his pretty nurse friends. Just waiting for him to start more p/t and the weaning off of his favorite pain med, come back to reality and blogging...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Got Another Miracle!

Tuesday afternoon at 5:00, Crochety went in for the much awaited "tummy tuck." Fortunately, it lasted half the time they thought would be needed. Surgeon took approx. 35lbs. of tissue and fat away and cleaned out the infectious areas. He looks great for a guy who has gone through what he has. He is in ICU just as a precaution and his hand is on the pain med button. Now to the healing process. Please keep up the prayers and good thoughts.

Mrs. "C"

Friday, September 18, 2009

Where is Doctor House?!

Dictated @ 2:00 pm:

You all know how much I appreciate all your kind words and prayers -- I even laugh alot when I read the comments Mrs. "C" prints out and brings me.

Most of my day is spent fending off vampires. There is still talk of transferring me to University Hospital in Newark, the only place in Jersey that has fresh maggots, but they cannot find a doctor willing to take my complicated case so I am hanging out here.

The highlight of my night yesterday was when my student nurse, Gina, was so excited that I gave her supervisor permission to let Gina change my wound dressing. At 10 pm 6 students nurses came in to watch and aid in my the cleaning and bandaging. Apparently tape was a very important item.

I am still anticipating my Dilodin shot every 3 hours. It not only kills pain but also has a recreational effect. I am no longer on Nurse "Toots" floor but she comes to visit every couple of days with recommendations for my treatment. Pretty nice, hey? My Nurse Call Bell seems to be for amusement only lately. If they don't come in a timely manner, especially at bathroom times, they are sorely rewarded...

FYI...not for the easily embarrassed...My naughty bits are being flashed at least a dozen times per day. I don't know if everyone else is enjoying it, but I am beginning to...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Going Down That Road Less Travelled...

Dictated @ 9:00 am:

The associate to the hematologist that okayed the operation came in at 2:30 pm yesterday and said he was not comfortable with the latest decision and I would again have to have blood products before he could give permission for my "tummy tuck." At 5:00 they started giving me the the blood products, 2 units, 1.5 hours each. Surgeon doesn't operate after 6 pm. At 7:30 nursie tells me that they are looking into Maggot Therapy instead of operating...near the GROIN area? Nuff said.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My New Award

Dictated at 7 pm, Wednesday:

Don't be too jealous, but I just found out that after being here 3 weeks, I am being considered for "Best Patient of the Year." Humble guy that I am, I am sure that I will win! The chosen hemotologist came in to let me know he was going to take more blood and do more tests. The surgeon came in later to let me know that it would take FIVE days to get the test results back...this takes me to Monday. Maybe then they can operate. Incredulous.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Dictated at 7:00 pm

They again cancelled the operation due to my inability to maintain normal blood coagulation. They decided today to call in a hemotologist. No word yet on when they will operate. I go in and out of sleep from the pain killer. Tomorrow is dialysis and that just exhausts me. This is going on forever...

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Operation -- NOT

Dictated 8:00 pm on Friday:

My operation was pushed from 9 am to 10 am. The anesthesiologist decided my blood was not up to par and cancelled the operation until 6 pm. It turns out the clotting factor was just not good so I received blood products and still at 6 pm after hundreds of blood tests I was borderline. Surgeon doesn't like to operate too late as statistics show late night operations result in too many complications. It is a holiday weekend so they are not going to do my "tummy tuck" until Tuesday. ACCCKKKK!
Fortunately, I am still in the same room, 3223 and phone is still 732-321-7213. Call if you can. Mrs. C is getting tired of entertaining me. I miss my pc!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New Info

Yep, they moved me to another room. 3223. New Phone: 732-321-7213. Thanks for keeping in touch!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I Was Right...

Dictated on Saturday at 3:30 pm:

Again I was misdiagnosed. For three weeks I have been complaining about pain in my lower abdomen and telling the "professionals" I have an infection, which I based on a fever and pain like I have never had before. They based their findings on guesses. It turns out I have an intense infection resulting in ulcers bursting forward in a matter of 72 hours. I have "skin necrosis," from the Greek origin, or "death of skin" which is from the English "HOLY CRAP!"

I am on heavy doses of intravenous antibiotics and it appears that they caught it in time to avoid surgery and resulting in some lessening of pain. However, they did up my pain medication -- Dilaudid IV -- which is stronger than Morphine and seemingly quite a bit of fun! A very attractive nurse has been changing the dressing twice a day and yes, I do cry like a little girl. This is worth putting up with for the pain med.

If anyone wants to call me here at JFK Hospital, my newest phone number is 732-321-7223. THANK YOU for all your kind thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Here we go again

The visiting nurse just stopped by and suggested I go to the hospital, so I'll be leaving in a few minutes. An infection has set in, causing ulcers.

I'll let youse know what I can when I can.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Zoo of Depressed Animals

Did you ever wonder what happens when circus animals can't cut it? When they just can't line up for the circus parade?

For a couple of decades, they came to New Jersey, and lived in Scotch Plains at the Terry Lou Zoo, the most depressing zoo in the world.

Sometime in the late 80's, I went with the Spawn to enjoy the entire zoo experience. We started out with a pony ride. It was a typical little path around a pond filled with greenish water. Then it was off to see the animals.

We saw some foxes and other small creatures pacing nervously, some in circles, others back and forth.

We really wanted to go to the monkey house, always a crowd pleaser. But we couldn't enter because of the intense ammonia smell.

Maybe the giraffes would be better. Tall, friendly, and again, in a cage barely large enough to contain them. Kids would reach up to pet them or offer up a snack.

The Spawn wanted to but, I saw that one of the giraffes didn't look well. We took a couple steps back, and just in time...
He sneezed blood over all the kids "lucky" enough to be in range.

We stayed a bit more, but it was more of the same; sick and depressed animals pacing endlessly in tiny cages.

Eventually, the zoo closed, and today, it stands abandoned, overgrown and unknown to most passersby.

Quick Update

I'm home and remain couchless.


The living room has been turned into a medical supply showroom, and we couldn't fit a couch in here anyway with the assortment of things like walkers, hospital bed, canes, crutches, wheelchairs, special recliner, and a commode.

I'm sporadically online because the 3 days a week that I get dialysis I'm sick all day. They upped my time to 5 hours which I hope makes it better.

Got to prepare my blog post about the NJ zoo for depressed animals.

Monday, August 17, 2009

It's Zoo Week

On the blog.

We always liked going to the zoo, and one of our field trips was to the Bronx Zoo.

Zoos back in the 60's weren't like they are today with natural settings and everything. Nope, it was a bunch of animals in cages being gawked at and taunted by kids and adults.

Our little band was no different. No, we didn't toss our drink cups (well, maybe a few) but the zoo sold souvenir rubber tipped spears. Naturally, every animal was threatened with a good spearing. They were all far enough away, that it was a hollow threat.

That is until we got to the jungle cats.

You see, Jack and Carl's entire reason for the zoo trip was to see the jungle cats. Penguins and monkeys were ok, but didn't have the cool factor of the big cats. And the stupid cats just layed there. No random roars, no frantic pacing. Nothing.

They decided to take matters into their own hands.

Remember I said the cages were just open with iron bars?

The lazy cats just nestled against the cold bars, leaving themslves exposed to a weapon of some sort. Say a rubber tipped toy spear.

Jack and Carl whacked the cat's tail. It barely flicked it's tail.

Alternately, rythmically, they began tormenting the beast by rapping on it's tail.

It leaped to it's feet, and clawed at the spears, and let out a mighty roar. Carl and Jack were frozen with fear, and may have soiled themselves.

Best school field trip EVER.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


After nearly 2 months of getting poked and prodded, and really lousy food, I'm going home today.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My new shirt

I got up at 4:30 a.m., as usual. I got dressed in the dark, and something didn't feel quite right. The shirt felt like it was inside out.

But no, it buttoned ok, so that wasn't it.

So I went into the hallway and waited for the transport guys. They loaded me up and into the ambulance we went.

Zipping along in the early morning, by the interior lights, it hit me-- I had on a puffy shirt.


There were ruffles and busy scrolls everywhere!

Apparently the Crotchety Old Lady is playing some perverse joke on me.

The nurses here are terrible. I've been waiting 40 minutes for pain medication. And this morning the nurse came in at 4 a.m. to ask me if I wanted to be awakened at my usual time of 4:30 a.m.

Can't make this crazy stuff up.

And thank you my favorite goat, Pricilla, who sent a nice get well card and a small gift. I appreciate it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

More Tests

I was in the room for testing. Suddenly in walks


He starts sniffing me all over. Yup, even my naughty bits. After a few minutes, he leaves the room.

A short while later, she walks in


and stares at me. It was kind of creepy. Finally, she left.

After a few minutes, the doctor finally shows up. He announces he has the results.

"Of what" I say.

Of your lab test and cat scan.


Saturday, August 08, 2009

It never ends

Because hospital personnel treat people like hunks of beef, tossing us around and pummeling us like Rocky,


it looks like I have to go in to the hospital for tests.

The severe abdominal pain that my doctor hoped was nothing, looks like it may be something.

Should my entire abdomen be black and blue?

By the way, guess who was the first doctor to submit a bill?

Dr. Asshole, the one who misdiagnosed that I had a stroke.

Friday, August 07, 2009


In the 11h hour, Horizen BCBS corrected their mistake, so I have a few more days here. Everyone should be back from vacation Friday (today) and will make arrangements for a successful transition.

The Davita Dialysis center social worker will be back Tuesday, so she will help on her end.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

It's a Clusterf*ck

I can't think of another way to describe it.

The person in charge of discharge told me Horizon BCBS is discharging me Friday. Then she went on vacation. But Horizon BCBS is not ny primary insurance.

All I have to do is show my Medicare card and all is well.

I never got a Medicare card and a replacement takes 4 weeks.

The nurse for at home follow up care came in yesterday, did an evaluation of my current situation and said that going home now would be medically dangerous.

The dialysis center person who could help me is on vacation.

I called Medicare and they said call Social Security.

Social Security said Medicare should handle it.


Sorry, but sometimes nothing else works.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Odds and Ends

Do you know you go to the movies with someone, and their bladder is the size of a walnut, and they insist on getting a giant sized Mr. Pibb? Naturally they have to run for a "pee break" and want you to fill them in on what they missed during their break. What an annoyance.

But thanks to the interwebs check out the website Runpee beforehand and your Mr Pibb swilling compatriot will be able to choose a slow part of the movie to do his "bidness" and you won't have to fill him in.

Follow up on my dialysis: They determined my "dry" weight. That is my weight minus the extrs fluids.

How much extra fluid was there? 12 gallons. Holy crap!

The insurance company said I'm better and wants me released Friday. The PT department said I'm not ready, the doctor said I'm not ready...but what do they know?

Lastly I have a Korean PT that scares me. She really puts me through the paces. She tiny but tough.
File photo

Monday, August 03, 2009

Advice for Men

Every so often I give advice for men to help them keep the woman in their life happy. Or to women on keeping their man happy. (Men are simple, beer and sports and occassionally a little wink wink nudge nudge knowwhatImean?)

While I have explained The Price Is Right Theory on gift giving (women get as excited as the idea they may get a gift as actually getting one) occasionally it becomes necessary to buy something for them.

The thoughtful gift giver pays attention to a woman's needs and selects the perfect gift.

Here's some examples of how I have delighted the Crotchety Old Lady.

Last winter, I noticed that she was struggling while shoveling the walk. It wasn't even Christmas, and BAM! I got her a brand new ergonomic snow shovel. This little gift will make her think of me for years to come. I'm sure she appreciated that it was for no reason. That made it even more special.

It's the little things that count. She complained that she spends so much time in the kitchen and could use a break. So BAM! I got her a cookbook for 30 minute meals and easy clean spatulas. Thar was the happiest Mother's Day ever!

While it is important to listen and observe, sometimes just go with your gut. I did this one birthday, and it was her best gift ever.

I woke her up nice and early, 5 a.m. because she wouldn't want to waste any valuable birthday time sleeping. I rushed to get her in the car by 6, and started our journey. As we drove down the highway by dawn's early light, she pretended to be grumpy, but I know she was really happy. As we approached her birthday gift, I wasn't able to keep it secret.

She was going to drive a steam train in New Hope, Pa.!

She was overjoyed! At first she didn't want to climb aboard the engine. But the fireman encouraged her, and she climbed aboard. I made her promise not to stare at the shirtless, sweaty, rather well muscled young fireman as it would probably make him uncomfortable while he shoveled the coal into the boiler, and she said her eyes would not wander from the track.

Well, she successfully helped the engineer by ringing the bell and blowing the horn. She got off the train an hour later thoroughly soaked and with soot in every crevice of her body. And she pronounced it the best birthday gift ever as she waved goodbye to the young fireman.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

I Want My MTV

I had the TV in the hospital, and for a mere $4 a day I had access to entire network of about 20 channels including the Breastfeeding Channel and the Stained Glass Window Channel.

The Stained Glass Window Channel showed a stained glass window for 23 1/2 hours a day, and for 30 minutes had inspirational religious progamming. The Breastfeeding Channel is the porn channel.

Now in rehab, I have Dish TV, with CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox, WOR, WPIX, Discovery, another Discovery, TLC, USA, TBS, some Spanish channel, and 3 Hindi channels. And Dish TV is awful. If there is a chance of rain, it goes out and becomes the "satellite is searching for a signal network."

I miss my days of sitting on the couch (RIP...sigh) and flipping endlessly through my hundred or so favorites, watching Magilla Gorilla, and Spongebob, and Beaver, and Reno 911 (my cable channels are awesome) thinking my joy would have no end.

Me and my remote--what a team.

When I get out of here, I'll be spending some quality time getting reaquianted with my TV.

I've written a haiku for my TV

My cable TV
Bringer of such happiness
I miss you so much

Can't you feel the longing and the love?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Drain Bamaged

Regular readers may have noticed that my posts have been rather skimpy. I'm pretty much tired as on dialysis days I get up at 4;30 IN THE MORNING, and then come back after 4 hours, to do 2 hours of physical therapy.

But the main problem is the brain damage from the mini stroke. I have a problem concentrating. I used to read hundreds of blogs a day and make lots of comments. Now I barely have the energy to read 20 or so, and I barely comment.

Remember Corky from Life Goes On? He laughs at me.

But everything I've read said my brain will come back. I hope it does, I've found it really comes in handy.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Please do me a favor

In rehab I only have a few channels to watch. One of these channels is TBS. The Dell mini commercial is aired every 5 minutes.

So please buy a Dell mini, or don't buy one whichever will get them to take the commercial off the air.

I'm ready to stick Tootsie Pops in my ears.

And one more thing, how did anyone decide a computer is like a lollipop?

Monday, July 27, 2009

All New Jersey Arrested in FBI sting

A sting that was 10 years in the making came to a successful end in New Jersey last week. It appears that the entire state 44 people, including 3 mayors, 2 legislators, and 5 rabbis and various other citizens were arrested for charges that included money laundering, influence pedaling, and the trafficing of body parts.(how much for a kidney?)

New Jersey continues among the leaders in the nation, with 130 politicians arrested in the last 8 years. Maybe it's the economy. The recession hit New Jersey so hard the Mafia laid off three judges, a police chief and two mayors.

But we have a long history of this stuff. Back in the 80's the Abscam Scandal involved a NJ Senator.

In the 1990's CBS news called my hometown, Edison, the most corrupt town in the nation.

Was it because our town sold a park with historical significance to a developer for 2 million bucks, then when they realized their mistake, bought back part of it for 6 million? To ensure the developer took the deal, they condemned and seized "abandoned" land across the sreet and included it. By the way, the "abandoned" land had a bus depot on it and the bus business was in excess of a million dollars a year. That didn't matter.

Nope, that didn't even figure in it.

The godfather of corruption in Jersey politics is Frank Hague. He never made more than $9000 in a year, yet after 30 years as mayor of Hoboken, he left an estate of $5 million. This was back in the 50's, when a million dollars was big money.

Our largest city, Newark, has not had a mayor leave office without a jail term following since 1962. The last mayor is currently serving a 20 year term.

I suppose we should look the bright side. We have 566 municipal governments. So the means 563 officials didn't get arrested.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Miss Hospital Food

Holy crap!!!!

The food in rehab makes hospital grub seem like haute cuisine.

Yesterday's meals were a new low.

Breakfast was corn flakes and a turkey sandwich.

Lunch was an plain omelet, they don't even give me ketchup, with a side of carrots. Lemon jell-o in a shape of a ring for dessert.

Dinner was spaghetti topped with ground beef, and a side of mixed vegetables.

Now I look ahead to next week. Sunday night dinner is cabbage soup. Photobucket

BTW, what the heck is turkey loaf?

The Crotchety Old Lady is gonna have to smuggle in rations.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Mayor's New Clothes

Remember the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes?

If the newest candidate for Mayor of New York City wins the election, that story will come to life.

The Naked Cowboy

He has the name recognition factor. He'll be able to save on clothing expenses. He claims no one knows how to do more with less.

With all the politicians caught stuffing their pockets, it might be good to have a politician without pockets for a change.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Those crazy nurses

I haven't been able to post because of the nurses. I go for dialysis on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and transportation is by ambulance at 5 a.m.

What time does the wacky nurse come in to wake me up with a bowl of corn flakes?

2:30 a.m.



So basically, I spend my days shuffling around like a zombie. Trying to take a nap is nearly impossible. And the worst part is the they always seem to find something for me to do during the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

But the good news is I'm avoiding wedgies in PT.

I'm getting stronger and even jogged a few miles shuffled about 20 steps.

The food doesn't really agree with me so I fart every time I stand up. It's just like my exercises have their own theme music.

If the crazy nurses let me sleep, I'll be back tomorrow.

My new number is 732.650.8441

Monday, July 20, 2009

10 Things I've Learned

I've learned a few things recently and decided to share them with you.

1. When a person with a sharp instrument is about to poke you, and announces "You may feel a little pinch," or "Bee sting" they have never been pinched or stung by a bee.

2. Pooping at an 87 degree angle in a bedpan, occasionally produces messes. No need to test this yourself.

3. Wedgies are an effective method to get old fat men out of a wheelchair.

4. "I'll be right there" is a relative term in the hospital. It ranges from 3 minutes to nearly a half hour.

5. Spongebaths from Nurse Heather -- good. Those from Nurse Dave -- not so much.

6. Brazilians are a good look for porn stars and bikini models. On old fat men they aren't. They make the cute nurses look at your "junk" and giggle. And they itch when growing in.

7. Hospital kitchen staff can't cope with "different". If there is a request for hot or cold tea with no sugar or artificial sweetener, they lose their minds. They will send either "diet" tea (blech) or 12 packs of the pink stuff. Also foods exist there that are nowhere else. I just had grape flavored jelly. Completely grape-free.

8. The nicer a person in a lab coat acts the greater the odds that they will do something painful to you.

9. If you refuse to do something, no matter how logical it is to refuse, you will be labeled "non compliant." And spat upon.
Ok, not really spat upon, but shunned. And given only green jell-o.

10. Fellow bloggers are some of the kindest people on earth.

I have received phone calls from Quirky, Lobo,
Secondary Roads
I know there were more but the stroke kind of killed part of my brain and I really can't remember right now. But for every call, I am extremely grateful.
And, of course, I'd like to thank Janna for the hilarious get well card.

I'll never forget the blog posts by Ettarose, Nanny Goats in Panties, Nonamedufus, and others and the well wishes from all my blogger friends. It all meant so much during a very dark time.

I'll do my best to get back to humorblogging without that hospital smell.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Crotchety Gets A Brazilian

This is a smoother and more manageable Crotchety here.

It seems one part of a heart catharazation involves violating my naughty bits in a way they had never been before.

That's right, I got a Brazilian. The good thing is now it takes only a minute to get dressed. And, of course, every nurse has to check the incision--and see the old man and giggle at his baby -like smoothness.

Since I've been in the hospital, they have removed some excess water fron my body.

How much?

Nine (9)gallons!!!

By the way, my phone number in rehab is 732.287.9555 ext 170. Mornings are ususlly the worst time. I'll start visiting my friends blogs soon.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Have Access!!!

Mrs C has been girlie-ing up the blog, so I had to take matters into my own hands and eventually convince the doctors to transfer me to a rehab center with access.

Here's my first post:

I’m in rehab, and not the good kind with partied out celebs. I’m here with your phlegm-y Grandpa. But I do have access to wifi.

I managed to get out of the hospital thanks to all your good thoughts and prayers. It certainly wasn’t due to the doctors who did their best find every test they could give me before screwing up.

“Sorry about lowering your blood pressure too much and causing that stroke, Crotchety. But that was actually a good thing because it was a minor stroke and now we know you have to be careful because you are susceptible to a deadly one.”

Yeah that was the quote, except for the apology.

I got hit with enough gamma rays (Noocular Medicine they call it) that I have the Hulk’s greenish hue, but not his strength.

I have catheters hanging out of me and more needle tracks than the average junkie.

And I’ve developed a taste for green jell-o and graham crackers.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with some surprising news.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Room 444

Play that number!

I had my catherization today. It just wore me out. They picked me up from JFK this morning at 12:00 am and brought me here to RWJUH...Kept me up asking questions that were already in my files. By the time I finally fell asleep it was time to go to the Cath Lab.

I do have some blockage but it can be treated with meds and I will be getting a pace maker down the road.

I have yet to speak with a new neurologist for my brain stuff.

Now for a nap!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Moving On

Dictated today at 1:30 est...

It turns out that I did have a mini-stroke and there are other brain occlusions. Since I am going to a another hospital, Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, the brain guy is going to have this checked out further.

Tomorrow I will be having a cardiac catherization/angiogram to let me know why the chest pain. WISH ME LUCK.

By the way Corky, how is that couch-raising fund coming along?

Thanks to everyone for their phone calls and cards. Your kindnesses are so appreciated.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

From Room 4330

Dictated to my "private secretary" at 4:00 pm today...

Greetings from JFK Hospital in Edison, NJ! I wanted to let you all know I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers from my fellow bloggers. My most recent phone is 732-321-7364. Should you call be aware that my speech may be a little slurred which is reality right now and not for comedic effect. If you would like to be on equal footing enjoy a half bottle of JD prior to calling...

Beware pornish content ahead:

As luck would have it I was assigned a student nurse -- WOOO HOOOO -- Of course I got the only male nurse on the floor. His first order of business was to check with me to see if I wanted him to bathe me so I asked to see if he had drawn the short straw or lost a bet. I must be living right because he left and returned with two lovely FEMALE student assistants -- a blonde and a redhead! THANK YOU!

I am having a lot of wierd problems. The audio specialist, a.k.a. Dr. A_ _ H_ _ _ , was convinced I was faking my not hearing. The doctor covering for my PCP came to my rescue and let him know that the first week I was not having any communication problems. All the new nurses, physician assistants and doctors that have been paying me visits since Saturday ask if I have always been confused and having these verbal challenges.

I still have my part-time position here as a pin cushion. High number of sticks today is 11.

I look so forward to getting on line soon!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The Saga Continues

This is just to let all you followers know that Crochety still does not have access to the internet from his hospital bed...yes, I said HOSPITAL BED. This is incredulous I know.

He was set to go to a sub-acute facility for physical therapy last Friday, but got chest pains so he was kept for observation. Then they gave him the wrong med dosage and he lost his hearing and speech. Since his cardiac doctor was away they didn't do anything until Monday. Very scary! He had every test going with good results but still has intermittent "white noise" in his head and he can form sentences now. I can understand him when he talks at this point.

He did get annoyed with me when I didn't have my camera to take his picture for you while he was getting his EKG. The look with all the wires attached to his head was priceless.

Yesterday while getting physical therapy he had chest pains and then again later last night. He has been shuttling back and forth between the telemetry unit and the "I am ready to get out of here floor." Today is a CT scan. He is continuing dialysis and is bedridden. Spoke briefly with him this morning and he sounds exhausted.

I will print out any comments and bring them to him...not much else cheers him up...except for the lovely young nurses!

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Update from Mrs. "C"

The old man is still in the hospital...and still hating it, especially since he can't get an on-line connection. They moved his room Wednesday morning one floor down to the old wing. This crisis is more frightening to me than the others have been. Maybe because he waited much too long to admit it was one.

Joe just found out he has a staph infection. The heart doc is trying to level out his blood pressure, which keeps spiking, so he cannot go to a sub-acute facility as was planned. He is currently scheduled for surgery some time today to have the shunt put in his arm for the dialysis.

Much thanks to everyone for their calls.

Your prayers and good thoughts are very much appreciated.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

While in the hospital, I get to meet lots of new and interesting people.

My nurses are great. And, unlike previous visits when care was provided by nurses named Sarge or Dave, this time it has been mostly beautiful and caring nurses. They could be underwear models, they are that pretty. And no, not underwear models like from the old Sears catalog, but the good kind.

There is Nurse Toots, and Nurse Wicked Awesome, both credits to the health care industry.

And then there are the Poking Techs. I have no idea why, but the techs are borderline evil.

Always poking around where they don't belong. And for some reason, they are always angry.

Angry pokey people suck.


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mr. Queso del Mundo

The Crotchety Old Lady is the Mary Tyler Moore to my Lou Grant, helping me get the blog published while I remain, more or less, accessless.

So, anyway, here we are in the ER, and a few rooms away, a man is speaking loudly in Spanish about “Queso del Mundo” and “La parabala.” He was quite passionate about Queso del Mundo, as one would expect anyone in an emergency room to be about the world of cheese.
The Crotchety Old Lady sidled over to see who he was talking to, assuming it was someone in the room, or on the phone.
Mr. Queso del Mundo was using his great oratorical skills to spread the Gospel of Cheese among the sick in the ER.
In Spanish.
Though it should be pointed out that every few minutes, for sheer dramatic effect, he did go off on an expletive laden rant, dropping the “F bomb” in perfect English.
This lasted until he sat down after 6 or so hours. Then, after a short 15 minute break, he continued. For another 3 hours.
You’d think I’d know a lot more about the world of cheese now, but I barely know my asiago from a hole in the gouda.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Rescue Me

First, I’m having issues with the internet connection, so while I read and appreciate all the comments, I can’t respond at this time. I also have a hard time visiting all my friends. Eventually, this will be resolved.

On to funny bizness.

Remember I promised funny stories from all the mayhem? Here’s one. And it’s all true. Pathetic and sad, but true.

While it wasn’t very funny at the time, looking back, my emergency 911 call was loaded with comedy potential. I was stuck on my beloved couch. I had apparently reached the point of fatness that I was permanently a part of the furniture.

Picture this, a fat guy…ok..fatter..fatter…now you went too far. You went to The Learning Channel Special Episode Fat Guy. Back it off to right around Family Guy’s Peter Griffin Fat.

Ok, now what happened is that I started to retain water like I’m 85% Shamwow. Seriously, probably in the area of 8 to 10 gallons or more, making little things like breathing nearly impossible. My goal was to get up, and drive to the ER. Except I couldn’t get up. So, we called 911.

The first team member showed up-- a very nice, but definitely overmatched-- tiny blonde woman. accessed the situation, and called for immediate backup. Then the police showed up.

Invoking a very Danny Glover-esque “We didn’t sign up for this crap,” they called for the fire department rescue unit. Deciding that the couch was at least 50% responsible for his mess, they immediately destroyed the couch.

And called Tony.

Tony is the department equivalent of Superman. Bends steel with his bare hands, lifts Buicks for fun and stuff like that. The plan was to have Tony lift me off the remains of the couch. Tony gave it his all, but Shamu I wasn’t budging.

Time to call another rescue unit as the gurney is the wrong one and they are afraid of injury. The crowd inside and outside my home now numbers about 15 rescue workers, various supervisors, and a dozen open-mouthed neighbors. My street is impassable due to the sheer number of emergency vehicles. The new, improved gurney won’t fit inside my home. Fireman Chris has to remove all the doors. Ok. The gurney is in, but yours truly is still on the couch, which is now little more than cushions and firewood.

Time for the supervisors to step up. The selfless men and woman who have saved countless individuals over the years. The heroes of emergency rescue.

And they are stumped. Finally, one remembers that another unit has a brand new device, a giant rubber mat/blanket with lots of grab holes. Remember old cartoons with the net thing they held to catch people jumping out of buildings? Like that.

Sadly, it’s also like what they used to hoist Free Willy out of the water. So, they manage to get this under Willy me, and a half dozen or so burly rescue workers flipped me up on to the gurney.

During he ride to the hospital, the gurney came partially loose, threatening to squash the worker in the back with me. We pulled over, and Tony saved the day, as he held the gurney in place for the rest of the ride.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with more.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Holy Crap, I lived

The access is balky, so this will be short.

I'm in renal failure, and on dialysis. Bit of pain, but still finding funny stuff. Boy, will we have some stories to laugh about. Most involve catheters.

That Foley guy has a weird sense of humor.

Anyway, thanks for all the positive thoughts. In between getting poked and prodded, lots of free time, so if anyone wants to call and hear a real NJ accent, my current hospital room is 732.321.7308.

I've heard estimates of my hospital stay being anywhere from a few weeks to a month or so.


I'll try to get on again soon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm Feeling Pretty Crappy

I hate to not post, but I'm feeling pretty poorly. Sorry that I haven't been visiting like usual, either.

Waiting to hear from the doctor and expect to be hospitalized. I'll let youse know if anything funny happens.

Thanks for stopping by.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Waiting for the ambulance to arrive

I've made a call to 911, and expect the ambulance to show up shortly. The doctor wants me to go to the hospital today. I'm sure they will be inserting tubes into places I don't want them to be, and sticking me in others.

Yes, it really is serious.

If I die, the Crotchety Old Lady will let you know. Just in case, thanks for everything.

If this works out, well, I promise lots of new stories about very personal attacks on my manly naughty bits. If it doesn't...well, I already covered that.

Important Heroes for the 21st Century

Various magazines will list heroes all the time.

Actors, athletes, and politicians always seem to dominate that list.

Yeah, I know. People who pretend to be others, adults who get paid to play games, and slimy liars.

But every so often, a true hero comes forth. I present one of these heroes, David Traver.

America's Most Humble Hero
Against world-wide competition, and in a contest normally dominated by Germany, Mr. Traver brought home the gold a few weeks ago.

In Alaska, the home of manly men and nervous sheep, Mr Traver, a real life Mr T., battled his way to the top of the heap in

the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championship.

Mr T and his beard stylist worked hard to craft and dye his beard into the shape of a snowshoe that simply wowed the judges.

Like a true champion, immediately following the competition, Mr T announced his retirement and vowed to shave.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

Caption winner announced; PETA News Update

First, we'll announce the winner of this week's contest. With 50 entrants, it was a close one again. But the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship came through.
Hilarious comments were submitted by Philip Dyer, Lady Sarcasm, Jenn, Moooooog, Quirky, Kirsten, Sheila, FReak Smack, Jeff, Bunk Strutts, Marie, Nonamedufus, (Un)Censored, Haley, and Douglas Dyer.

But only one can win the coveted Zucchini Award for Captioning Excellence. And this week, it goes to
Twitter: For the technologically challenged.
Twitter: For the Amish

by: Swirl Girl
The judges were not sure whether that was one or 2 captions, but it worked either way.

Second place went to Nonamedufus, while third was Kirsten.


And, as promised, here's the latest from those goofballs at PETA.

I'm sure you have heard this "story" by now, but in case you missed it, during an interview in the White House, President Obama killed a fly. PETA observers naturally took notice and sent him some sort of humane trap, so that in the future, flies in the White House can be trapped safely, and returned to the wild.

I swear I'm not making this up. PETA, an organization that has euthanized hundreds, possibly thousands, of animals like dogs, cats, and fluffy bunnies, was in favor of saving a fly. A poop eating, disease spreading insect. This news made me want to eat a sea kitten.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Post 600!!!

Holy crap!!! I just checked. This is my 600th post on this blog.

I really don't have a life.

We had to reschedule our vacation. I was supposed to spend the first week in July ogling cocktail waitresses sitting on the Boardwalk outside casinos, but instead, I'll be sitting on my couch watching fireworks on TV. Photobucket
We will try again in September. September at the beach sounds pretty nice, actually. Get rid of those punk partying kids, and the families with rugrats. Just me and all the old folks and some footloose and fancy free types.

Beach crowd is different in September
If you get a chance, could you stop by and vote for Stacie from Stacie's Madness? She is a regular commentor here, and writes a very funny blog. Right at the top of her blog page page there is a thing to click on to vote for her blog as the best in her hometown. It will take less than a minute and help out a bud.

Thanks. And, if you aren't a regular reader of hers, check it out. It's worth taking a few minutes to read a couple posts.

Starting this weekend, I'm going to switch to summer hours. No weekend posts except for the Super Special Father's Day Edition. Or if it's a special day like Richard Simmons's Birthday.

It's my favorite video, and a Father's Day tradition, and well worth stopping by to see. I promise it will not become stuck in your head, although last year, it did cause temporary blindness, and I'm reasonably sure at least one blog regular spent considerable time sitting in the corner gently sobbing.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Does the Google Hate Me?

This morning the Crocthety Old Lady mentioned that I spend more time scratching than the average human being. Now, how would she know that? So, I checked the Google, and, as usual, I could not find an answer.

Everyone uses the Google as the "Go to" source to find out everything, yet it never seems to answer my questions.

In addition to today's scratching question, a few things I've tried to find, but couldn't are:

How much water does the average person lose per day in breathing?

How tall is Gene Simmons's son?

For how many years can you put 4th grade spelling bee champ on your resume?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Happy Monday to You

So, the Crotchety Old Lady says, "Did you do your post yet?"

No, I'm not doing one.

Why not? You always do a post.

I've been busy.

Busy? All you do is sit on the couch and watch TV.

They were mean to me yesterday.


All of them. Especially Janna They laughed at me, too.

They are supposed to, you moron. It's a humor blog.

Yeah, but then they made me listen to the song.

"You don't even know where Chicago is, Jerkface," she chided.

Well, yeah, it's sort of that way, as I pointed in a more or less westernly direction. I like to assume my couch faces northish.

Just turn off the Married with Children Marathon and write your stupid post.

So I did.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Brain Damaged

Ever get some things into your brain, and you just can't get rid of them?

There is a song that I can not hear, for if I do, it won't leave my brain for weeks on end. I can't get it out, it just rattles around in there. And it's a bad song, which is even worse. And, I can't even repeat a single bar of it because if I do, I'll have to do an a capella version of it, and it will become stuck for weeks.

I was going to tell you the name of the song, but my fear is too great. Only a very few individuals know of this song. It's my kryptonite. Or it would be if I had any superpowers.

But, here is a really weird, embarassing secret: about 25 years ago, I used to work part time delivering pizza. Ok, that's not the embarassing part.

You know how lots of porn movies start with the pizza guy showing up?

Well, I have my own pornish story. It features nudity, and lots of innuendo, so please have kids leave the room.

Sadly, it does not elicit happy memories, ya bunch of pervs. It's one of those things I'd rather forget.

One night, my last delivery was to the nurse's station at a nursing home. A delivery to the nurses. Yeah, I know, this story is getting good. And everyone knows how much I like nurses.

Boom shakalaka mouw mouw.

I went to the nurses station, and waited for Nurse Hotstuff to pick up her dinner, when suddenly, I heard a female voice yell out, "Hey, come here!"

Woohoo, I thought.

I looked to my right, and who was busy stripping off her clothes?

You were expecting Pam Anderson?

I seriously considered becoming a monk that day.

And I really need some brain bleach, now.

Have a Happy Flag Day.Photobucket

Saturday, June 13, 2009

A Wild and Crazy Guy

Yeah, that would be me.

What wild and crazy thing did I do?

The Crotchety Old Lady came home after a 12 hour grocery shopping trip (I'm not making that up) and brought home various foodie treasures. And she offered me what was her unusual find of the day--kumquats.

My first response, of course, was to say no because I have never eaten a kumquat in my life. To be honest, I didn't even know what they looked like.

But, because I live life on the edge, I agreed to try one.

She handed me this little orangey-yellowish fruit about the size of a cherry tomato, but more oblong in shape. Smooth skinned, and smelling slighty citrus-like, it was pretty interesting looking. I was going to peel it, but she assured me the skin was thin and edible. I popped it in my mouth (I live dangerously) and bit down on it.

Holy moley!!! That little thing packed a lot of complex flavors in a tiny package.

It was sort of a sour orange, or a sweet lemon, tough to decide. But it was good. It has a slightly bitter finish, so it covered most of the tastes available to humans in one tiny fruit.

I'm not sure which challenge to face next, now thatI've eaten a kumquat.

How high is Mount Everest?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Caption winner announced

It was another close contest here, making the judges work extra to select a winner. And a clear winner did emerge.
But first, kudos to all the captioners that made our judges chuckle: MA Fat Woman, LL, Lola, Haley, Philip Dyer, Douglas Dyer, Quirky, Gin, Tahtimbo, Me-me, Grace, Joanie, Nooter, Kate, Lauren, and Tiggy. But only one could be the winner. And that was
Bill immediately regretted his answer to the question, "What would you do for a Klondike bar?"
by Moooooog

He wins the coveted Zucchini Award, along with EC credits.

Thanks to everyone for participating. We had nearly 50 entries again.

We are working on a really good prize for next week, so be sure to stop by.

And David Letterman is a putz.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Old People Just Out of Control

Remember when Granny would simply bake cookies and ramble on about crap from when she was your age? If she drove, it was a car that was at least 2 blocks long and had an exotic name like D'Ville or Electra and could fit 14 of her tiny friends. While said vehicle was capable of speeds in excess of 120 MPH, it rarely saw the other side of 40.

Those days are gone, and today's Granny on the Go is as likely to be stylin in a pick up truck as a Honda Fit.

And every bit as likely to assault a police officer after getting caught for speeding as to become an exotic dancer

Support AARP...Keep Grandma Off the Pole
Obviously, every so often, a feisty Granny will run afoul of John Law, and well, will just get out of control. If this happens, and the police officer has to take action...well, let's just say it isn't very grandmotherly to cuss like a sailor while yelling that you are 72 years old. Just take your tasing and get your butt to jail, Granny.

In case you missed this story:

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Caption This


Don't forget to check out Chica's contest, too.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I've Been Busy

Don't forget to visit Etta as the summer tour bus should be arriving to her blog today.

You probably thought I just sat on the couch all day and watched TV, and you are absolutely correct would not be so wrong. I cruise throughout the blogosphere, and enter caption contests. I even won one of the best and got this cool award.
Yup, my blogger buddy Kirsten has a funny weekly picture to caption, and this week, my caption made her laugh the loudest, I guess.

The other thing that has been keeping me busy is the discovery on my cable lineup of a channel called Boomerang. It's probably been on for a while, but it's way up on the listings mixed in with a bunch of crappy channels, so who knew Magilla Gorilla

the Flintstones, Yogi Bear, the Banana Splits, and the Jetsons were all still on air?

I also saw a lot of shows from the 80's and 90's were on the lineup, so I was lucky enough to catch an episode of 2 Stupid Dogs.

I've been watching this since 4 a.m. with just a short break for The Price Is Right.

I have to go catch up on some Huckleberry Hound, now. I'll catch youse later.

Monday, June 08, 2009

The Joy of Pork Roll

Yesterday, I posted about that NJ delicacy known as pork roll, and a couple commentors were not aware of this gastronomic delight.

Pork roll, also known as Taylor ham, has been around for many years, and is uniquely NJ. I checked the Google, and it clearly stated that it is impossible to accurately describe it.

And that would be the best way to describe it, indescribable. It is like nothing you have ever had.
It is sweet, it is salty, and it is porky. And the only place in the world to get it is in NJ. It is available at every diner, deli, and fine dining establishment. In NJ.

Ha! Too bad for the rest of the world.

Someone once suggested it was similar to Spam.

Hummmpf!!!!! Humbug and balderdash, too. Not even close.

And as far as nutritional value; a pork roll and cheese sandwich is about 90% pure fat, mixed with 10% deliciousness. Copious amounts of ketchup does "Healthy it up" a bit, and occasionally a vegetarian will order it with onions.

And did I mention pork? I'm not sure of the percentages, but it's great.

It's worth a trip to NJ just for this sandwich.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Our Final Day in the Jerseypolitan Area

After a quick NJ breakfast of pork roll, cheese, and egg sandwiches with extra ketchup, it's time to get on the tour bus for our final day before I send you off to visit Etta

And what could be better than a visit to Giants Stadium, home of the Giants and the Jets?

The Meadowlands Sports Complex also features a horse race track and an indoor arena where the Devils play. The Nets used to play there, too, but they moved to Newark, and will probably go to Brooklyn soon. That's ok, because they suck anyway. No one ever confused them with the Lakers.

But the best part about living in central New Jersey is we are about an hour away from the South Bronx.


If National League baseball is more your style, Queens is about an hour away also. That's where the Mets play, and, of course, the current Champions, the Phillies, are about an hour away to the south.

Well, our unofficial state motto is "Welcome to New Jersey, Now Go Home," so I've packed you a sack lunch with some Jersey Mike's Subs, and given the driver some cash for tolls on the Turnpike.

Have a safe trip, and remember our other unofficial state motto, "I didn't see nothing."
Get outta here, ya buncha mooks

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Tour d'Jersey Continues

Glad you're up early. Still lots to see while the tourbus is here in the Garden State.

First, we'll stop by the Exxon Refinery, in Linden, NJ
Do you have any idea how lucky we are to find this picture? Talk about coincidences. See the car on the right that looks like a Plymouth Duster? The date on this picture is about the time I drove a Plymouth Duster, and visited the Linden plant.
Weird, huh? But, no, it's not my Plymouth, because I went on a school bus. Yes, this was a class trip. We do things differently in Jersey. You may have gone to a museum, or a park. We went to an oil refinery. It's a Jersey thing. You wouldn't understand.

Yesterday, we visited Rutgers University, but New Jersey has another more famous University, Princeton.

Ivy Covered Walls and Everything
Einstein used to hang out in Princeton.

No visit to New Jersey would be complete without hitting the beach and shore resort area.
And my personal favorite place; Atlantic City, NJ.
Casinos, beaches, the fabulous boardwalk, cocktail waitresses world class dining, sub shops, top entertainment, and so much more.

At various shows, I've seen, Sha na na, Patti Labelle, Diana Ross, Arsenio Hall (before he sucked) various groups from the 50's and 60's and so many more.

That's enough NJ for today. I do need to give out the award for best caption, and it is made this week from 100% NJ Zucchini.

While Unfortunate names, Lola, Me-Me, Nonamed, Swirl Girl, The Queen, Kirsten, Quirky, Nooter, Reforming, Metal Crow, and Freak Smack all scored very well with the judges, just one point determined that the winner was
Mama always gets the last word, and the downwinds
by Lady Sarcasm

Thanks for another great contest.

And stop by tomorrow for our last day in the Jerseypolitan area as we explore some of the sports venues both here and very nearby.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Welcome to Downtown, New Jersey.


If you are part of the Humorbloggers Summer Road Trip, then I hope you have enjoyed the short trip from Pennsyltucky to here, my home in Downtown, New Jersey. If you are just hopping aboard the bus, you can take a few minutes to go check out what you missed. I'll wait.......

Ok, welcome back.

As you may have heard, New Jersey is the center of the known universe, so we'll spend a few days here, taking a couple of quick trips to such important landmarks like Yankee Stadium and the Rocky Statue in Philadelphia. See, I told you it was the center of the universe.

For today, I'll just give you a quick tour of the county and town where I live, and over the weekend, we'll make a few visits to the greater Jerseypolitan area.

First, a bit about New Jersey and its citizens.

New Jerseyans are among the friendliest people you'll ever meet. You may see some things like this:
Even if your name is Benny, pay no attention to the Benny Go Home signs, Tee shirts, bumper stickers, billboards, chants, graffitti and the like. It's hard to explain, this anti-Bennyistic activity, but it actually is a long story and well beyond the scope of this class in Jerseyana.

New Jersey is well known for its universities. I grew up right near

Queens College at Rutgers University
This part of the University was established in 1766.

I failed out many years ago, and following in my footsteps, the Spawn failed out a few years ago, too.

A number of very famous landmarks are in my town. For instance
This car has appeared in many magazines over the years. Every few years, the car rots out, and is replaced by a different blue car. The current model is a Tercel, replacing the old one that was a Renault.

Another kind of different thing here is this Photobucket
An Art Deco style phallic tribute to Thomas Edison. It was built on the spot where the light bulb was invented.

Stop by tomorrow, and we'll visit the shore, take in a ball game, and if we have time, tour an oil refining plant here in the Garden State.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Joe Versus the Volcano

Were you expecting a movie review or some reference to that Tom Hanks movie of the same name? Nope, ain't happening here. That movie was fiction, while this post reeks of truthiness.

I eat very little fast food. Sure, the occasional pizza, but generally, I avoid those places. But every month or two, the commercials get to me, and we order something. Last month, it was the Wendy's Frosty with coffee mixed in (yeah, I'm a wild man.) This month, I saw Taco Bell has the Volcano Taco back. I remember having them before, and they were tasty and mildly hot. I bitched and complained nicely suggested to the Crotchety Old Lady to make a run for the border, and get me a couple tacos.

So, Monday night was Volcano Taco Night at Casa Crotchety. And all was good until Tuesday morning.

That is when the volcano struck!
Curse you, Taco Bell

Things have pretty much settled down, but we will choose a bit more carefully next month.

Does McDonald's have a prune McShake?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

More Fun with Side Effects

I watch a lot of TV, and because of that, I get to see a lot of commercials. I like the commercials, even though they may get to be repetitious.

A few years ago, my family went on a cruise, and one of the onboard activities was a trivia contest. The Spawn went with me to lend moral support. She was around 9, so she wasn't going to be much help, anyway.

They announced that the topic was commercials. Spawn looked at me and said, "Looks like you are going to win the contest, Dad."

It was a battle, and I tied with an ad executive, so we had to have some bonus questions.

Of course I kicked his butt. Commecials were how he made his living, but commercials were my life. I won some trophy that looked like the ship. Spawn immediately took it, and I never saw it again.

My favorite commercials are probably the medical products ones. I really enjoy the side effects and the disclaimers. They always advise everyone to let the doctor know about other meds, and medical conditions.

Seriously, if the doctor is such a doofus
I was absent that day in med school
that you need to make medication suggestions, shouldn't you consider another doctor?

I thought so.

But anyway, my new favorite commercial is for a sleep remedy. It has an awesome side effect: hallucinations.

There are people who pay big money for that effect in illegal drugs. And the best part? The commercial illustrates hallucinations by having a chicken show up at inappropriate times. That is one kick ass hallucination. I need to get that prescribed for me.

Monday, June 01, 2009

A Political Rant

I am getting called at least 2 or 3 times a day concerning the upcoming local primary election.

They are spending huge money to get elected to an office that pays almost nothing. Our Governor will be running later this year. Last time he spent like $60,000,000 of his own money to win an office that pays maybe (I'm too lazy to look it up) a quarter of a million.

Am I the only one who sees this as kind of screwed up?

I should run for office. It's not like I have much else to do.

That could be my campaign slogan. "Vote for Crotchety. He's got nothing better to do."

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Spelling Bee Winner

The winner of the Scripps annual Spelling Bee was decided in a major contest held in Washington. D.C. The winning word was Kavya Shivashankar.

Ooops, sorry, that was her name.

The actual winning word was Laodicean, which means "kid who has not been outside since last August."

It just reminded me of my participation back when I was in 8th grade. It was a long time ago, so there weren't that many words. I placed 4th, and was eliminated on a technicality. I forgot to ask for permission to retrace my stupid word.

Funny thing is, I have never used that word since that fateful day. I'm not even sure what it means. I just looked it up on, and it's not even a word any longer.


Oh well, good luck to Kavya.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Toasters Can Be Evil

My blogging buddy, Reforming Geek recently posted about her toaster and how it has conspired against her.

I have blogged about my toaster issues in the past, and in fact, I was so happy when I finally bought the toaster of my dreams, I dedicated a blog to it.

Now, the less adventurous among you would probably simply go to Wally World, and pick up one of those crappy ten buck Asian Assassin toasters, but that didn't do for the Crotchety Old Lady and me. Since I always believe in getting the best for her, I searched the entire toaster world to find the finest toaster made. After studying important data such as SPH (slices per hour,) durability, design, and those intangibles of a world class toaster, I made my decision.
The toaster afficianados out there know what decision I made
Uber Toaster
The Dualit 2 Slice Uber Toaster.
I gave great consideration to a sweet red 3 slicer, but it may have really destroyed the feng shui of my kitchen.
Don't laugh. I can't use a 3 tine fork due to a balance issue. Can you imagine the mayhem of an unbalanced toaster?
Anyway, as anyone who knows toasters is well aware-- a Dualit is crazy expensive. I could have gotten a case of Wal Mart toasters for what a new Dualit costs. So, obviously, I had to enter the seedy underbelly of the world of used toasters.
If you thought used car salesmen were slimy, you should see the used toaster sellers.
Dis toaster was used by a little old lady who only toasted English muffins on Wednesdays
I need a shower after just thinking about it.
But finally, we found a toaster with very low toastage, made an offer, and brought it home. For the last year or so, it has provided us with perfectly toasted bread, and the occasional muffin.
I can only wish Reforming Geek finds happiness with a safe and trusty toaster.

Like a bad dog or a red headed stepchild, those cheap Wal Mart toasters will turn on you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Caption Winner and Anal Bleaching

The staff at World Wide HQ and Discount House of Worship has been hard at work choosing a caption winner, and researching some important blog stuff. Stuff like, where have all our subscribers gone, and does it have anything to do with anal bleaching?

First things first, the contest. We had a clear winner, as one caption received more than half of the first place votes.

But, there were plenty of chuckle-worthy captions. Some made the judges laugh even if the commentor didn't mean to.
So, here are the ones who scored points this week: Jenn, Speak Dog, Husbands Anonymous, LL, Douglas Dyer, Haley, Moooooog, Gin, Lady Sarcasm, Lola, Kate, and Dani.

But the winning caption was

And then, one day Paris Hilton finally learned to recycle


Second place was Husbands Anonymous, and third was Haley.

Congrats to the winners, and thank you for another great contest.

Now, we need to solve the mystery of our disappearing subscribers.

Just before cracking the anal bleaching story, we had 77. Now, we are bottoming out at 61. Did anal bleaching put us behind?

I can't believe it was our bacon vodka post, because outside of Hassidic alcoholics, who could have been upset enough to unsubscribe because of that?

Our caption this? No, we have had too many eye bleeding pictures in the past to think anyone got upset by that.

And it can't be because our posts suck. We have been producing mediocre posts for over 5 years, and this is the first time we have dropped so severly since we began tracking such things.

Our staff will be working on this. Any clues are appreciated.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

More Bacony Goodness

Here at Crotchety Old Man Research and Product Development Division, we try to stay at the forefront of consumer needs. Every so often, though, we do get scooped, so to speak, and another R&D department just managed to develop a product so revolutionary that we simply must tip our caps to them.

But it is hard not to be jealous, particularly when something is such a perfect item we can't believe we didn't think of it first. And this new product?

Bacon flavored vodka.


How could we have missed this? Alcohol and pork products--our entire department should have been all over this as these are their favorite comestibles.

I am sad to announce, however, that it is currently only available in a few states out west like Idaho. Sorry, Kathy.

And effective immediately, the development of pizza flavored beer is our first priority. We may be a little late to the game, but we are still in it to win it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009