Sunday, August 15, 2010


Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday --

3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.

5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.

11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --

8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.

9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.

9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!

10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So Mrs. "C" let me know that I hadn't written her a poem since "that big tree in the yard was a sapling."

This was weird because we are treeless, but we all have our delusional moments. Hell, I occasionally think I am the King of Portugal. Anyway, I gathered up all my romantic energy and came up with:

"I loved you then.
I love you today,
Even though your butt
Is now Ginormous."

It did bring tears to her eyes as she gently dabbed her peepers. She became so overwrought with emotion that she started punching me. This is common when one gets so overcome emotionally that they act inappropriately. Even to me, a patient with a healing stump!

Maybe I will try another, but get youse opinions first:

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
And you still
Have nice hooters!"

I bet she'll be pleased. Wimmin love a compliment...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Romantic History, So Far

Don't worry, this isn't porn related, or anything shady, and no body part references where you have to close your eyes. It is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and yes, a bit pathetic. While I have titled it, "So Far...", it is most likely finished, but I do have to keep Mrs. "C" on her toes as she has checked out Nurse Juan. Her idea of Mr. Perfect.

It starts at the NY World's Fair 1961-65 when I was just a Young Crochety. You know the Fair with the big globe still sitting there in the background of the Mets games. If you went you probably have a picture of it with your aunt and uncle somewhere in your family photos.

What is important to note is that this is where I stopped in at the Philippines exhibit. Yes, now you know how I developed my life long attraction to Filipina nurses. It may also explain some of the issues I had with the overly affectionate Filipino mail nurse from many posts ago. Now I will have something else to chat about with my therapist, I guess *sigh*. Thought I was cured.

My first crush was a young asian girl (surprise). I tried to show I was interested by breaking off pieces of my eraser, trying to get them stuck in her hair.

Advice to any young lotharios: This pisses off your object of affection and usually gets detention. Choose another method.

The next young lady was a bit flirty with me so I was thinking about asking her out. Then she died. I refused to date dead chicks. While it is true they don't complain about the movie choice, they do attract flies at the drive-in.

After this audacious start, I started dating some cute little blond of viking descent. That should have been a BIG hint. A few weeks later I got a "Dear Joe" letter as she went off and joined the Marines.

Next was cute blonde 2.0. She asked me out. Few straight males would turn that down,. Most would have been cautious. Most men would have known they were being cheated on, not me.

Soon I met the first Mrs. "C". How would I sum up our marriage? KAPOW! ZAP!! BOFF!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!. Nuff said. So was this the end? Or would Crochety manage to find another terrible relationship?

Place your bets...

And the winner is...

Met a woman through the classifieds. Spoke for a few weeks on the phone. We found a mutually agreeable day to go to dinner. She then proceeded to eat more chinese food than a small group of sumo wrestlers while telling me about the great guy she met a few days before. With that you would think she'd offer to pay for part of the meal.

While going from flower to flower I joined a self-help group. Had a lot female members there so I stayed. Eventually an old friend of mine who was also a member brought a woman he had been casually dating. From the moment I set eyes on her I was smitten and have been ever since. Yep, I wooed her big time. What choice did she have other than to fall in love with me. I was a suave, debonair, stud muffin,and a prime piece of American beef on the hoof. AHHH, TRUE LOVE AT LAST.

Going strong for over 17 years, isn't this a happy ending "SO FAR"?

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Moving On...YAAAYYYY!

How wonderful to be away from "Alarmy". Here I am in Room 223.

My new roommate is gone most of the day in his wheelchair, watching the world go by. And he is very quiet and reserved. Ahhh, peace.

Trying to figure out what I should have Mrs. "C" bring me for dinner. Thinking of Wendy's baked potato and chili...

Call me at 908-222-5142.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Food and Room Mates

What kind of club am I in?

Last night's dinner was a junior turkey club sandwich. I only wish I had a camera. Description: 2 dry, possibly stale, slices of wheatish bread with 1 (sliced with a laser nearly on an atomic level) bit of turkey, a see-through slice of tomato (probably Roma) and a leaf of lettuce. This was the most pathetic sandwich this patient has ever seen.

Today's lunch was a few slices of fried eggplant and a side order of boiled cabbage...How can it be right for Italian to be paired with Irish? Well, let it be known, a new food service manager was hired so hopefully boiled cabbage will never again appear with eggplant.

I have never spoken of my "roomies." Of course, in the past I had Mr. Mopey, a great guy. He eventually got well, left and started dating the Pretty Young Nurse. Since then, I have shared a room with Old Yeller (he screamed 24/7), the Escapee (slept all day and spent the night trying to run away setting off alarms). Now I have Alarmy. He as a bed alarm for his safety. Setting it off constantly, 24/7, he gets up, thinks he is in the bathroom and proceeds to pee on the floor. He mixed it up a bit today and pooped on the floor.

Yep, good times here! They assure me I will be moved to a room tomorrow with a better mate...wonder what surprises he will hold...

I will post my new info as soon as possible.