Saturday, November 26, 2011

things I would have written about if not depressed

It really pissed me off every time on 11-11-11 and the tv people said it would be 100 years until it comes again. Isn't that the same with every date?

Still no action on the dating front.

Talked to a friend the other day who said I should have put cameras in. My real life is more bizzare than what I write about.

I'm not your typical, one-legged, old fat guy.

By the way, bought a Bumble. Who needs a Christmas tree?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I did it!!!

Yep, I did it. Put an ad on Craigslist

Here it is

I'm a bankrupt disabled, cranky, old stud muffin.


Single woman with substantial income and savings.

Prefer heiress

No f'ing children or grandchildren

If children or grandchildren must be willing to kill them by second date.

I've gotten no responses. :(

Anyone know how I could make it more desireable?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Feeling kinda bored

I decided to visit Craigslist. Maybe I could find a friend.

Don't want a girlfriend, but somebody to accpmpany me to dinner and stuff.

Ho;y crap!!!

I saw ads that I was sorta embarassed to see. Didn't know people were willing to do that to strangers.

Don't know what half the letters meant.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Step by step

Turns out
Mrs C stole over 50,000 and a car to give to the Succubus and the Con
Man (her 2 Hellspawn.)

The police are investigating, tomorrow I'll report to DMV, and on Thursday I have an appointment with the lawyer

Sorry not around but I have been diagnosed with ptsd, and not in the mood to do anything.

I really need to sue those scum.

The Succubus tells people I killed her Mother.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Comeback kid

I'm starting my comeback.

Filed criminal charges, and getting lawyered up.

Suggestion of the day:

Don't screw with a Sicilian

I must be feeling better. I did an entire post about my situation without dropping the f bomb.

Thanks for everyone's kind words.

And NO typos.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


For the sake of this post, that is the nicest way I can use to descibe Mrs. C's kids.

Just so you know, I need to write this to help dispel some of my anger. My priest and social worker told me so. Some of it is funny some sad, and some nauseating. Read at your own risk. I'm using actual real first names so there is a disclaimer of sorts.

Disclaimer- If anyone reads this and wants to sue because I attacked your integrity or moral character:
1. I have a better lawyer than you
2. I can prove in court that you have the morals and character of a 3 card Monte dealer
3. Kiss my chunky white ass.

Cast of characters:
Mrs. c. (Fran) The love of my life for the last 19 years. She was beautiful, kind, loving, and had many friends who loved her dearly.
Tony, her son. Looking at his actions, I guess he loved her, in a way. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe.
Cath, her daughter. Despite giving her expensive gifts and cash over the years, she had utter disdain for me. The only reason I can guess is that I was in the way of her using her Mom for free babysitting more often. Not that she ever invited Fran to her house to visit more than a couple times a year. It was a babysitting gig or nothing.

The kids _both around 40 now came to help with snow shoveling or yard work once in 17 years,

Great kids.

We were not married. No I'm not secretly Gene Simmons of KISS, Just some religious reasons.

Ok, so here's how my week went.

Monday, around 8 at night, Fran laid back at the kitchen table. I called to her, and got no response. As quickly as I could, I got in my wheelchair and went to her. When I noticed she wasn't breathing, I called 911. They came and, well, she was gone.

I called her family and told them what happened and told them the EMS took her to the hospitl. There she was pronounced.

Looking back, I was in so much pain, I let the man I treated as a son for so many years in my house when I should have told him no.

He immediately began looking for her life insurance papers!

When he couldn't find them he said he would come back tomorrow. Again, I'm in shock so I agreed.

Well, I live in a two bedroom mobile home. And Fran was a bit of a hoarder. Sorta controlled. She was under so much stress from the past 16 months that I was in the hospital, with facing death a few times, and her Mom in a nursing home getting calls about her dying every other month, well she must have cracked.

She started filling both rooms with empty boxes and other crap. So far we have removed 50 bags, and god knows how many armloads of boxes.

Wednesday was the day Tony and Cath were going to come and start to cleanup the mess their beloved mother left and to see if there was anything of hers they wanted.

Again I'm still in a state of deep mourning so I stupidly agreed.

They show up with 4 more people, Tony's wife (a really nice and decent lady-the only decent person in the horde) Cath, her daughter (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.'nuf said) Fran's sister, who slithered in the back door along with someone I never met, and still haven't and the grand daughter Tony and his wife said hi, and she gave me a hug. Cath and her daughter, didn't say anything, just glared. They all left the same way, without a word. The only thing I said was "Please ask before you take anything, as not everything in the bedroom was hers." Who knew with her crazy behavior over the past 2 years what was now stored in that room? And to not go in the other room as everything in that room was either mine or the Spawn's.

My daughter, my sister and a friend of mine tried to make sure they were doing the few things I requested. They didn't. Cath went into Spawn's room. Spawn told her to get out. She replied it's not your room. Spawn said it was. Unfortunately, Spawn told me after the horde left.

And Spawn noticed Tony knocking quarters out of a 50 states map and pocketing the quarters. Question his character? Heavens no.

Trying to get my life back a bit, I found my checkbooks. The 40,000 dollar balance is now 900 bucks.
I found my last credit card statement. When I left it was 0. Now it is over 20,000,

Turns out Cath and daughter greedily accepted 4000 in cash, and god knows how much in prizes. I got sick after seeing a credit card bill for a 180 dollar pair of boots, and a 150 dollar collectible doll. Tony and family pocketed a cool 6000 bucks. All this from mom's Social Security, as she collected 1000 per month, along with her medical bills of 800 per month leaving her a cool 200.

All this in the 16 month period in which I was hospitalized.


Believe it or not, this is the funny part.
There was no viewing because Fran didn't want one. There was no memorial because they are money hungry. There was a funeral, because those are free.

The funeral was scheduled on a day when I have dialysis, and could not get to the Mass on time. I cut my time short so I could make it, albeit a few minutes late.
The family sat in the front with tears because their ATM, umm I meant mother died.

I had my family, a social worker, and friends there to support and restrain me. They did a pretty good job.I yelled out hypocrite when the teary eyed daughter did a bible reading. I patiently waited for God to smite her. He did not. Damn.

Finally, I lost it. When they proceeded out of the church, I respectfully waited until Fran passed then I started in on these lowlife jerks. When I saw Cath pass I yelled out "What, did you poke yourself in the eye? The tears were phony.

Then I got in the center aisle and said "I'm the guy who loved and supported this women for almost 20 years and this family scum won't recognize me."

Immediately some old hag said she knew the family for 47 years. I said "I feel sorry for you."
She said, "what did Fran see in you?"
In a friendly manner I said "shut the fuck up." She said "You should be glad we're in church." With a final fuck you to her , I rolled away. She told her fellow bitchasaurus that she would slap me if she wasn't in a church. Spawn overheard and said "That's my dad you are talking about and no one better even think about trying to slap him. You have to get through me to get to him."

When leaving, I saw Cath's daughter, walking along and totally ignoring me. I yelled "Tell your mother I hope she dies and takes you with her."

Yeah it was mean, but it was heartfelt.

When the Spawn got into her car, a car with some old hags(we're assuming Cath's friends)pulled up behind her and started yelling and giving her the finger telling Spawn, "I hope you fucking die." Spawn(always ready to protect her dad) quickly jumped out of the car and said, "What the fuck did you say bitch?" The car then sped off. When they were a far enough distance away they then gave her the finger again. Cowards.

I still have to get copies of the death certificates I need, and the reading of the will. I need to get lawyered up.

The end.

Father Kerrigan was right.

I feel better. ell the family

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thank you

Truly I would like everyone for all your kind words. They meant a lot.

The funeral istomorrpw.

Thought for the day:

Step children and in-laws

Can't live with them, can't leave them in a bloody bullet-ridden pile.


Mrs. C was pronounced dead late Monday and her family showed up late that night to go through her stuff. I won't trouble you with details but it got much worse after that. Hence the thought.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


was the worst day of my life.

The beautiful Mrs.C passed away.

She was my every.thing



Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I feel the earth move under my feet......This no time for 70's tunes.

Run for your lives!!!!!!

It's the big one. NJ is sliding into the Atlantic!!!!

Oh wait. Nothing happened.

My bed shook a little.

But TV news is going crazy.

They have been reporting for an hour that nothing happened. They have all stated that there was a little shaking--that's it.

By the way, next time as you think about your tax dollars at work, think about this: Senator Frank Lautenburg from NJ will collect a six figure pension, get free medical care, Social Security, and other benefits.

He is worth 55 million dollars.

Good to see our elected officials take such good care of themselves.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Living on the Edge

In the news they stated that those who watch a lot of TV are as at risk for early, sudden death as smokers and couch potatoes.

I watch about 84 hours a week (is that a lot?) so I may not make it to the end of this post.

So far, so good. My fringers are crossed, which makes it really hard to type.

Every day, craziness surrounds us.

Tidbit in the local paper, "Jewish singles group to meet for lunch at Cheezeburger in Paradise."

Uhhhm, aren't cheeseburgers not Kosher?

I'm not Jewish, nor am I single, but I can laugh at it.

Is Justin Bieber the anti-Christ?


Mrs. C has been in a, shall we say, mood, lately.

Nope, I didn't do a thing to cause it.

Yeah, ok, I do tend to poke the bear occasionally.

It gets boring around here.

Stumpy still hasn't healed. When he does, he'll go to the hospital with me for a few weeks. We have to learn to walk again. It's been over 2 years.

Bye for now.

Friday, August 12, 2011


There is a movement to have Bert and Ernie get married.


Bert and Ernie aren't gay and uhm....they're muppets'


Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Another Problem Solved

Ok, you know how those stupid flying carp are taking over some rivers in America? They destroy The native species and are a general PITA.

Ok, the government appropiates $10 mil (about what the military spends on those little plastic things on bootlace ends) to put a bounty on these fish, maybe a couple bucks each. Got to catch them with a net, not a drag seine, which would do too much damage to the ecosystem.

Take the fish to the cat food factory. Give it to them free.

So cat food drops in price. ranny with her 19 cats can get cheaper food, so naybe once a month or so, she orders a pizza.

So we provide employment, help the restuarnt industry, and hekp pizza delivery dudes.



Sunday, August 07, 2011

What a week

My cather failed at dialysis, so went in to the hospital on Friday for replacement. Took 4 hours due to 3 and 45minutes of waiting. Then had to go back when it started bleeding when Mrs C brought me home. Back to hospital. All told we spent a bit over 8 hours.

Shark week is finally over. I'm afraid to even go near a kiddy blow up pool, cause it may have a small shark.

Here's a thought. Why not kill all the sharks? Yeah sure, Chinese people won't be able to eat shark fin soup. Hell, they eat enough weird crap, so too bad.

Ok, then the fish population will get too big. Our fish supplies are too low, anyway.

What about too many seals? Ship the seals to Alaska to feed the polar bears, which are starving and living on Coke and beer nuts. and kids from Connecticut.

So it's win-win-win.

Either that or we fit bears with scuba gear to fight the sharks.

Again win-win-win.

Today, watched the talking heads on PBS and they conclude we should spend our way out of the recession.

Great idea, everyone strart spending double your income. That should help.

Yeah, it sounds crazy, but they are on tv.

Solving the world problems 1 at a time.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Decisions, Decisions

Regular readers know that I'm in end stage kidney failure and on dialysis. Basically my kidneys are ornamental. So last week a nurse at dialysis suggested that I go on the waiting list for a transplant. I"ve given it a lot of thought and made a of the good and bad to decide. Maybe youse can read my list and help me. Even think of other reasons. if you can.


Dead guy parts in my body.............;Write my name in the snow again

Another major operation................Nurses

Much more bathroom time..........,..,.,No dialysis

Lot of pain.......................... Really, really good drugs

Hospital food........................Nurse and drugs woohoo !!(seond mention of both
......................................mention of both)

No big screen TV and 180 channels.....Won't have to listen to Mrs. C"s soaps

See youse in a couple days.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


Holy crap was it hot this weekend!!!!

108and heat index of 115 on Friday, 102 with an index of 110 on Saturday.

Today it's only in the mid 90's. You know, sweater weather.

And naturally I fell when getting in the car yesterday. So I lay in the driveway of the restaurant until some dude named Rick picked me up.

Amazing how hot asphalt gets as I do a turtle impression on it.

I've been busy lately. Remember a week ago when the wife cut off a guy's... uhhmmm... naughty bits and put them in the garbage disposal?

Well I have been removing the garbage disposal and dulling all our knives. Can't be too careful.

Take care. Talk to youse soon, unless my underwear melts.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Weird nj

It's a magazine, it's a book. Heck, it's a franchise.

And what is so weird about NJ?

Lots, but here's some weird/stupid stuff in my town.

Went by a store selling "drinking water". Would anyone be willing to buy another kind?

They are next door to a liquor store named, and I'm not making this up, "WINOLAND."

TV has been advertising its fall lineup since June. They should spend more time writing good shows, instead of all those moronic "reality" shows.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Oy vey

This really annoys me.

I fool around with language sometimes, but I know it.

But when a major news outlet anchor uses incorrect language, well, it is just so stupid it is irritating.

Last week, they were discussing a mom killing her kid. The anchor referred to it as matricide.

How stupid can they be?

I often hear among young people the word coversating Oy!!! Conversing, please.

And I've even seen teachers write the non-word alot. A lot, Teach.

I gotta go. Conversate among yourselves 'til I get back.

Namaste to youse

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The one degree battle

Nope, it's not like 44 40 or fight. ((Putting my History degree to use.)

And nothing to do with Kevin Bacon.

The Mrs and I have an ongoing battle over theair conditioner.

She sets it 1 degree lower when I leave, and I raise it 1 when she leaves. Neither of us will speak of this.

Some 95 year olod lady had her diaper searched at the airport because security found a hard object in her diaper. Ewwwwwwwwws.

Remind me to never work in airport security.

My "Be a Swami in 30 EZ lessons" is going well.

Namaste and Ohhhmmm to all of youse.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Now that Weiner is gone

where will the media get their inane stories to cover. Guess it's only a short time 'til another politician finds himself with his pants down, so to speak.

Had to pass on all jobs for a while. In about a month I need to go in the hospital
for prosthetic training, and in the meantime I need to get pre-training.

But today, while watching my Saturday Indian programming (Namaste America) I saw a commercial for a Swami.

First thought

Swami Crotchety

I could do everything he did, except remove black magic.

The Google must have ways to learn that.So coming soon

The Crotchety Swami.

Type to youse soon.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Weiner-gate the saga that never ends

New photos were released today where he flashes his guns. (snicker)

I had bigger guns when I was 12.

And still, in interviews with some New Yorkers, they still support him. "It's his personal business."

People over 80 shouldn't be allowedn to vote without an IQ test.

Now that I think of it, under 80 should have one,too.

Did you know in NJ, retarded people can vote. I used to work in Social Services so they pick up the folks and cart them to the polls.

Most of them can't tell the difference among a cartoon, a documentary, and the news. Nice to kinow who is determining our future.

When I get my leg later this month, I'll put blue pinstripes on it.

Love my Yankees.

The fun raiser didn't go so well last weekend.

A lost slightly inebriated guy showed up, which seems to be my core of supporters.

My new campaign chest totals @12.35 and a button. I should probably auction the button on ebay. It's really nice.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Creepy edition

Did you see the Jell-o pudding "Pudding Face " ad?

I think they stopped the campaign already because they were, weel, uh... creepy.

Apparently, pudding leaves one with pudding face, which looks like Jack Nicholsons portayal of the Joker in the movie Batman.

Who thought this was a good idea?

Talking about creepy, doesn't Weinergate get creepier every day?

Damn crazy New Yorkers still support him.

Next, he will get treatment, and come back crying that he was ill, and ask forgiveness, and soldier on.

Oy, what a ....ummm.... err....weiner.

Here's an example of your tax dollars at waste. I meant work.

In the next month or so, I'll be fitted with my orthotic leg returning me to more or less a contributing member of society.

I have to spend a few weeks in the hospital for this, because Medicare will pay for that, but not a visit to rehab, which would be a fraction of the cost.


Stay cool.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Damn! It's hot!!!!!

But the research and development at Crotchety Old Man Enterprises and Discount House of Worship have been hard at word solving the problem.

First, we developed a pants fan.

The wimmins model gave the testers an...ummm....well let's say a sorta Brazilian.

The mens?

My lawyers have advised me not to talk about it.

So our nezt phase of development (hey, Edison didn't make a working lightbulb on his first try) was a pants air conditioner. It is nearly completed, but the engineers can't decide if it should be powered by 2 car batteries with a handy yet handsome carrying case, or a really long cord.

I will get back to you once it is perfected and passes UL testing.

A campaign update.

I rolled around the neighborhood and solicited donations. I collected $11.16 and a button.

We have scheduled a fund raiser luncheon at Wendy's.

It's $5 a plate for Nuggets (spicy or regular) and choice of beverage.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011


The biggest news around here (New York news outlet) is Weinergate. Congressman Anthony Weiner was accused of sending pictures of his, umm, err naughty bits aka (snicker) weiner to various wimmen on his Twitter account. For a week or so, he sadi his account s hacked. Of course, late yesterday, he admitted he did it all himself. He went on TV, and after the mandatory crying session, he asked for forgiveness and said he would not resign.

How magnaminous of him.

Today it was revealed that he had phone sex with a porn star, possibly while he was on government time, using government equipment. It gets interestinger and interestinger. Is there any public servant who can have some self-control?

Not Ahnold, Not those crazy international bankers, and not the Weiner man.

I know I've been MIA for a few weeks. It would be great to say that I was abducted by an alien all female biker gang, who made me do unspeakable things, but that would mean I'm lying, and there is would be a tear-filled apology in my near future.

So, a quick explanation is:

I suck.

And now, my lame, but true excuse.

When I was in the hospital, followed by many months of rehab, I was diagnosed with depression. So, the doctor prescribed happy pills. While my hope was for myself becoming a grinng, drooling, idiot. Not nearly achieved, sadly.

So they doubled the dosage and were still far short of my goal.

After a couple months of therapy I was able to do what I pass for normalcy.

Well, the last few weeks I fell into what could be called a funk.

So, I owe you an extra- sized blog post. Not saying it will be good, but it will be long.

At this time I would like to announce my candidacy for President.

I'd hope my running mate would be

Richard Simmons

My entire platform hasn't been drawn up yet, but for starters:

No left turns. They cause accidents and traffic jams.
No politions with funny names.
No white before Labor Day. Or is it after Labor Day?

Either way it's a start. If you have more include them in the comments, as my candidacy is a work in progress.

My campaign slogan is "Vote for Crotchety. He needs a job."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

In case the world ends today

Thought I'd share some random thoughts, though if it does end, this blog will be as useful as always. That is, print it out and line a bird cage.

Useful tip number one (in case there is a Monday) Always buy used textbooks. They have been read, so you don't have to. A big timesaver for a student.

In case the Apocalypse produces Zombies, one of the best weapons is a shotgun. A baseball bat also works well.

Never trust a Zombie that wants to be your friend. For more Zombie related tips watch Shawn of the Dead or any Zombie related instructional videos.

Never believe anyone who says the way they cook liver, it's delicious. Liver is always nasty, even if it is covered with whipped cream.

Arugala is over rated.

After the Apocalypse, giant cockroaches will rule the earth. I saw it in a 70's Godzilla documentary.

Shouldn't Queen Elizabeth step down already? Give Charles a chance to be Queen, if only for today.

If a terrorist became a Zombie, would he blow up other Zombies? That would be a good thing, right?

See you next week, unless we are all fighting Zombies and demons.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

weekend update.

compter is actinhg up. orry for anyone who got a triple post of nothing.

Anyway, lots of stuff happening.

I decided to be a free-lance tutor for hire. I already have a few clients, and more who want to wait for summer.

Haven't passed out at dialysis in a week, so that's a positive.

You know what is really pissing me off lately?

News teasers.

"The one product in your pantry that will kill you! Tune in at 11"

If it's so dangerous, tell me now, dammit!!!

Mrs and I have been warring lately.

What do mean what did I do?

Oh yeah, youse always assume I did something,

Well, ok, maybe I did. A little bit. Sorta.

Alright, I was a total jerk and was almost bad. Almost. Sorta.

See, youse shoulda had more faith in me.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

More stupidity

I watch a lot of cooking shows (don'judge-Mrs uses the smoke alarm as a timer) and more than once the host will advise in cooking something to use a good quality ingredient.

Excuse me, but who would purposely use a crappy ingredient?

Been really bored lately, found myself watching about 2 hours of a show about parking. Metermaids, tow trucks and the like. 200 channels and that is what was settled on.


I'm also pissed that I wasn't invited to the wedding. I am sorta decsended from royalty. Good Prince Crotchety. Actually it was from a duke or on earl, but if I make up a title for myself, it should be a better one than I deserved.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Do they listen to themselves?

Just yesterday, I heard someone on TV say that some program changed their life and they made a complete 360.

Ummm, wouldn't that mean that they are back where they started, but perhaps dizzy if they spun too fast?

I often hear the phrase "I could care less," well that makes no sense at all because "I could not care less" means the same thing to them.

How could opposites mean the same?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Gas Prices

Ok, President Obama wants to have gas prices investigated.

I volunteer to be on the panel.

Here in NJ, we have a few stations in about a square mile charging #4.09.

Less than a mile away the price is $3.65.

Same town, same road and a difference of over 40 cents per gallon.

The reason?

The stations are the first ones as you get off the interstate.

Gouge much?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just one more thing

Ok, most of youse know I've had a lot of stuff. Heart attack, congestive heart failure, depression, skin cancer, kidney failure, amputations, belly button removal and stroke.

Now what?

Athlete's foot.

I am transported by ambulance to dialysis and come home the same way. I only leave the house for doctor's appointments.

Basically, I'm treated like veal.

How the hell did I get Athlete's foot?

Since there is only half the feet of a normal person, I have 50% lesser chance than you.

But no, I got it.

What will I get next?

My money is on some rare disease discovered in the upper reaches of MONGOLIA.

And only found in left- handed goat herders.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ethical Question

Yesterday, Mrs. C was driving me to the doctor and we were cut off by a knucklehead who ran a yield sign,

Of course she was talking on her phone, which is illegal in many states including NJ.

Now my question is this: should I be allowed to shoot at her with a small caliber gun. It probably wouldn't kill her but she would HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE.

By the way in case you had any faith in Harvard as little more than a cesspool of anti American principles and teaching, it is rumored that they have offered Bernie Madoff a position as a professor of ethics. Didn't they know John Gotti Jr is available?

Monday, April 11, 2011

All-time best


Called me Friday to let me know I won Publishers Clearing House for an $850,000 prize. First thing I thought was, what a party I could throw for my blog buddies. A week ar the Jersey Shore (not the TV show with the Guidos and Guidettes) but famous Atlantic City. Shows, gambling, the beach.


But my next thought was

SCAM, Jamaican, style.

So, as usual, I decided to screw around with the dude.

Kept him on the phone for 12 minutes plus.

He called me back 12 times over the weekend. Told him my car was in the shop, that stopped the calls until Monday.

They started again. I didn't answer until the 6th call. Told him I contacted my sister and the FBI ( and he said my sister and the FBI were trying to corrupt my thinking. Then I told him because I have brain dasmage my sister controls my money.

He dropped the price to 200.

The last call was 22:45.

Last call I promised to try to get a ride to Western Union, can't drive due to the damage. ;)

Good thing I have a lot of free time.


Friday, April 08, 2011

Where's my reality show?

It seems every weirdo and freak has a reality show. Now I'm as big a freak as anyone- An old fat guy, with one leg, no bellybutton,depressed, anti-social, and with a love of prescription drugs so....


I spend hours entertaining Mrs. C, so why not those who would be my core audience- shut-ins and the mentally challenged?

I'm always doing stupid, err, funny stuff.

Likr yesterday I was at the wound care center, and they put me in the overflow room, with directions they would call on the phone when they had room.

Phone rings, I answer "Dominos Pizza."

I guess youse had to have been there.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Ho;y cow

Saw Iggy Pop on Idol last night and he sang Wild Child.

C'mon, he's in his mid sixties (and looks it)

Shouldn't he just give it up?

Once a rocker is on Social Security, he should be forced to retire.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Guess where I went last night?

Put on pants (first time in 2 years) over clean underwear (won't tell how long that's been) and got my gtimpy ass to a job interview.

Well, it was in the same field I worked in before, but at half the pay.
Interviewer said she never heard of anyone making that much money in this field.

I told her it's because I'm good. (I am) Let you know when I get the job.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

I wonder

Why are people so dumb?

Yeah, I know about all the yearly compilation of stupid people is pretty amazing, but we must wonder if commercials have to include such warnings as: "Contact your doctor if sudden loss of eyesight or hearing occurs."

No shit. What moron wouldn't? Really.

Anyone that dumb should just suffer the consequences of being so dopey.

This was an ad for Viagra, so definately he should not be allowed to breed.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Happy Birthday to me

Of course, my birthday is April Fools Day.

Did you expect anything different?

I was making up a list of top ten things bad about getting older.

But you know with my blazing typing speed (17 WPM in the house, for shizzle) that's probably a 2 hour task. I don't have the patience for that on my special day.

So, I listed my number 1 bad thing about getting older.

Raquel Welch is selling reading glasses.

Maybe my younger readers won't care, but I'm sure my older ones, especially male boomers, will get it.

Hey, I didn't expect to make it after the last year or so, and I'm really grateful for the second chance I got and really appreciated all the prayers and good wishes I received. Even though there is no scientific evidence, I am positive that is the reason I'm still standing. Well, youse know what I mean.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Best PSA Ever

The guy from Letterman does it.

"There have been a lot of movements since the 60's. But the most important one is the one before getting a colonoscopy"

I've had one and believe me I wouldn't refer to it as a movement.

It was a 4 hour poop-a-thon.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

My nephew figured it out

The other day when I was talking to my sister on the phone, my nephew cut in and told me, "Uncle Joe Bob, you need sister wives."

The kid's a genius!!!

I am such a high maintenance gimp that it will take a few to take care of me.

It should take 2 worker wives, 1 housecleaner/assistant cook wife, 1 TV watcher (cartoons especially) wife. The currenr Mrs. C will handle snuggling duties.

What kind of ad should I run, and where?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

More killer fruits

I don't just fear starfruit, especially when cut and used as a ninja weapon like Janna suggested, but there are 2 others which can be lethal to me.

Orange juice and bananas. As you eat your Cheerios and slice a banana into it, and pour yourself a glass of liquid sunshine, just think of your old friend friend Crotchety who this may accidently be his last meal.

Imagine a Mafia hit man, rather than put a bullet behind my ear, can simply feed me orange and banana smoothies abd I'll wind up in a body bag by the end of the day.

Another baffler for CSI.

By the way I answered comments yesterday and plan to in the future.

Unless I'm sick.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Wieird stuff

I'm not making this up (for once) but their is a fruit that can kill me.


No one is sure how much it will take, but I was told don't ever eat any.

So youse know what is going through my mind.

What the hell does it taste like and where can I get some.
What if I only licked it?

I will buy some and use it to get Mrs. C to do stuff.

When I ask her to get me a snack and she says no, just whip out the starfruit and say, "No prob, I'll eat this," and see her jump up. Cruel, but funny.

What if she says no? Calls my bluff?

No wonder I'm always in trouble with her.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

What I'm Pissed off About Today

How the heck did I manage tp post a blank page?

Anyway, today I'm pissed off by New Yorkers who went batshit crazy ond were offended by a billoboard against abortion. I don't care where you stand on the subject but blacks get a disproportianet amount of them. Why would pointing that out be offensive? Crack dealers all over the place, hookers flashing their naughty bits on the street, filth everywhere,this is what is offensive. Hard to understand.

Next, the government. Had to overhaul Medicare. Ok we all know there is fraud.

So now when I go to get my shoes, I have to go to at least 2 doctors, because there must be tons of shoe fraud because diabetic shoes are so damned sexy and stylish.

Grandma shoes are HOT!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I've had the same 'do since I was 5 years old. Avoided the mullet, long hair, faux hawks and everything in between.

Hey, it was a classic.

But today, I needed to wash my hair and get a trim. Rather than go through all that, I shaved my head. I guess sometimes I'm an all or nothing guy.

By the way, how many of youse have had a conversation in your home that started out with "Now that you are afraid of meat again, mayne it's time you called the shrink."

I need to put her number on speed dial. I don't have issues, I have subscriptions.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Frosty Weather

Here at Casa Crotchety Mrs C was in a rather foul mood.

And why do youse automatically assume it was something I did?

Yeah, it's always the man, huh?
I know how youse think.

Blame Crutchety. I'm starting to get a complex. A persecution one at that.

Well, ok maybe it was my fault, but only a little. A teeny tiny speck of fault.


Stop looking at me that way.

Your acting like there's another woman involved.

Well sorta. But I am pure of action, heart, and mind. Hey, youse wonder how much trouble I can possibly get in with Mrs. C. without leaving the room. Youse would be surprised.

She'll probably warm up soon. I'm ao darn cute and charming. How could she resist? :)


Saturday, February 19, 2011

A Bit of Sanity

In this sue happy society it is nice to see when a lawsuit is dropped.

The woman who sued a store bhecause she had been "been injured as a result of defendant's fraudulent conduct," the now-dead suit stated.

The amount of the damages sought?

5 million dollars.

The disputed amount of damages that she started the lawsuit for?

80 cents.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Belated Happy Valentines's Day

I'm recovering from yeaterday.


Just when you think you know a woman...there they go acting all crazy again.

As usual, I thought about a nice Valentine's gift for the Nrs.0. Been watching some fashion shows on tv. Belts are a great fashion accessory, so what could be better?


Pretty and practical. I suggested she could use it for kitchen tools, too. While she is at it, she could use the gps to find the kitchen.

Maybe I shoulda bought a card.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Your tax dollars at work

Sorry I haven't been posting lately.
I really should do more because after all youse guys pay for my dialysis @ $40,000 per month.

I'd like to thank you for that and probably owe you more than 1 lame post per week.

Oh yeah, and as for the disability check--thanks.

Though I am seeking work, but am pretty much undesireable for much more than a Wal-Mart greeter, and I can't do that very well.

Welcome to Wal Mart. What the hell do you want? When's my break time?

I spend a lot of time per day just thinking up stuff.

Every time I go to the hospital they give me plastic ware like toothbrush tubs, wash basins , and bedpans. To not be wasteful I do try to re-purpose them. Did you know bedpans make a dandy container for onion dip?

Well, that's pretty much all I've come up with.

I'll be getting an etsy listing and selling dip containers if anyone is interseted. They can also be used for bean dip and salsa.

Available in a festive pink. Quanities are limited.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Another sign of the Apocolypse

Guess who is having a movie made of his life?

Justin Beiber. All of life and his amazing struggle to reach the top of the pop world will be wrapped up in 90 minutes or so.

He's 16.


I'm speechless.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Snow again

I'm starting to feel bad for Mrs.C., but have to admit all this shoveling is getting her kinda buff.

Lately been watching Idol, hate it but Mrs. likes Steven Tyler, thinks he's so handsome. Now I'm all male, so I can't tell a handsome male from all the rest, but I can spot ugly, and he is fugly, which is a step beyond.

I woke up this norning with my usual weird thoughts, and today's was what ever happened to Fearless Fosdick?

And quickly followed by who the heck is Fearless Fosdick?

Thanks to our friends at the Google, I found out who he was. It's not easy being me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Slowly, but surely, kicking and sceaming

Crotchety is dragged into the 21st century. He got a cell phone! No texting or any of that techy stuff. Still need Mrs. C. To explain how the buttons work. I did manage to call the bedroom phone from my living room.

Big Surprise Duh News of the Day!!!

That 79 cents big beef taco from Taco Bell may not be all beef. There is a lawsuit, probably from the same folks who are suing the government for beach erosion. It's impossible to make up strories as funny as the real news.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

In trouble again

I know youse won't believe it, but Mrs. C is angry with me. And what did I do? Nothing, as usual.

I'm a victim of circumstances.

I bought a new power wheelchair that she claims she knew nothing about. I'm really sure she was told about the giant red chair now sitting in the middle of our kitchen. When she said it was in the way, I offered to teach her how to drive it so she could move around in the kitchen. But she got more angry.

And it takes a while to learn how to control it and I promised to replace all the flowers I ruined when I knocked over the plant stand. I sure as heck can't do anything about the irreplaceble stand itself. And it's not bad, just a few gashes. It gives it character. Perhaps her late father should have installed bumper guards when he built it 45 years ago. It would have prevented the whole ugly mess. So it's really his fault.

She didn't buy that either.

To try to make it up to her, even though I did no wrong, I asked her to make me pancakes for breakfast. She grumbled something (probably "sure, my love") and while she was making my bed, I complimented her for doing it so well. And there was that mumbling again.

I'm in the doghouse so often, I should put shag carpeting and a big screen TV in there.

By the way, I answer your comments when I can. When I don't I'm not being rude, it's just I'm in so much pain it's impossible to spend that much time at the 'puter. If I get my stoopid laptop fixed, that will change things. Right now, I can't use the h,b,n keys on it. That would make my gibberish even less decipherable.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snow again GRRRRRRR

Before today's Pulitzer Prize worthy blog post, here's the rant of the day. We got a bit of snow here, about 6". That didn't stop NYC Mayor Mike (quick get a camera crew) Bloomberg from holding a press conference about the snow! This guy is becoming a pain in the ass, and I'm not even in New York.

Here's today's irregularly scheduled post:

Last week, the lottery hit a third of a billion dollars. Since my retirement plan is a dollar and a dream, I started to imagine what I'd do if I won. Here's my list:
1. Fur toilet seats for cold mornings
2. Solid gold snow shovel for Mrs. C (she does deseve the best)
3. A Rolls Royce and have it modified into a pick up truck, with a gun rack.
4. A new home with a moat and drawbridge.
5. An Italian restuarant, so I can have seating for 12 when the Mrs and I go out. I like to move around when I eat.

1b. A security force (army) of clowns armed with Uzis that shoot silly string.
2b. 1000 Elvis impersonators to sing Happy Birthday to me every morning.
3b. A baker to bake the world's largest coconut cream pie. (Why? Remember that army of clowns?)

Lastly, I'd acquire a few towns, and rename them after body parts.
Like Naughty Bits, Kentucky. Nah, I'd probably name them all Naughty Bits. I'd also send a check for $3.92 each to all my regular commentors like Sandee, Maritess, MB, LL, Reffie, Janna, Don, and FishHawk.

Monday, January 10, 2011

So, there I was

reading my underwear........What, you don't wear underwear with comic books written on them? Kind of like adult underoos.

Nevermind. It wasn't a really good story unless you really, really like Spiderman.

Well, I went to a job interview the other day. They made me take a typing test. Turns out I can type a blistering 17 words a minute. Didn't get to the interview. Sigh.

But on the bright side it makes you appreciate every pixel I so painstakingly kill for this blog.

Yeah, and for those of youse who wonder, I lost a leg, not an arm.

In the next few days I'll be getting a scooter, for more mobility. Wonder how much trouble I can get in with that? I'm already banned from using the scooters at Stop and Shop, and I've been warned in Atlantic City.

Friday, January 07, 2011


This just cracks me up.

Have a good weekend.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

What's pissing me off today

This could be a weekly feature, since I get pissed off nearly every day.

Today it's rigatoni and cupcakes.

First, the rigatoni.

Now, I'm part Italian, and had pasta and tomato sauce very Sunday growing up, and usually it was rigatoni and ground beef (meat sauce we called it. You probably know it as Bolagnese.) It was and still is my favorite meal. I asked Mrs. C to buy some at the store. She came back with something that the box said was rigatoni, but the contents were ziti with lines, usually called ziti rigati. Totally different. Bastages. How could they try to pass this off as rigatoni?

About the cupcakes. TastyKake is a regional bakery out of Philly. Usually, I don't trust people from Philly, but I grew up with Tastycake, so they get some slack. Anyway, the chocolte cupcakes are awesome. So, Mrs. C bought me some today and they were terrible.
The cakes were the usual soft delicious chocolate selves, but the icing--bleh.
In the past the icing was thick and fudgey. Now it is wafer thin and tastes stale. They weren't out of date (it's not the 22nd yet) and just crappy.

I'll be sending them a letter explaining that they have a disgruntled customer rather than the one who was previously errrr..... gruntled.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Happy New Year

I was so busy on New Year's Day I haven't recovered yet.

On many Holidays, TV channels have marathons, whereby they play episodes of one show.

This year, are you ready for this, there was a marathon of The Three Stooges, and the A Team, and The Honeymooners, all at the same time. I know... my remote control was overheating.

If Gilligan's Island was on a 4th channel, my brain would have exploded.

Today we're back to what passes for normal at Casa Crotchety, and while watching the Price is Right, I saw what may be the dumbest item ever. A treadmill bike. You can travel on it while walking along. Wouldn't regular walking do the same thing?

By the way, I made some resolutions.

I resolve to write better. Rather than the short posts, I'll try to make them worth reading.

And, lastly..,...,..STOOPID GIANTS.