Thursday, July 30, 2009

Drain Bamaged

Regular readers may have noticed that my posts have been rather skimpy. I'm pretty much tired as on dialysis days I get up at 4;30 IN THE MORNING, and then come back after 4 hours, to do 2 hours of physical therapy.

But the main problem is the brain damage from the mini stroke. I have a problem concentrating. I used to read hundreds of blogs a day and make lots of comments. Now I barely have the energy to read 20 or so, and I barely comment.

Remember Corky from Life Goes On? He laughs at me.

But everything I've read said my brain will come back. I hope it does, I've found it really comes in handy.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Please do me a favor

In rehab I only have a few channels to watch. One of these channels is TBS. The Dell mini commercial is aired every 5 minutes.

So please buy a Dell mini, or don't buy one whichever will get them to take the commercial off the air.

I'm ready to stick Tootsie Pops in my ears.

And one more thing, how did anyone decide a computer is like a lollipop?

Monday, July 27, 2009

All New Jersey Arrested in FBI sting

A sting that was 10 years in the making came to a successful end in New Jersey last week. It appears that the entire state 44 people, including 3 mayors, 2 legislators, and 5 rabbis and various other citizens were arrested for charges that included money laundering, influence pedaling, and the trafficing of body parts.(how much for a kidney?)

New Jersey continues among the leaders in the nation, with 130 politicians arrested in the last 8 years. Maybe it's the economy. The recession hit New Jersey so hard the Mafia laid off three judges, a police chief and two mayors.

But we have a long history of this stuff. Back in the 80's the Abscam Scandal involved a NJ Senator.

In the 1990's CBS news called my hometown, Edison, the most corrupt town in the nation.

Was it because our town sold a park with historical significance to a developer for 2 million bucks, then when they realized their mistake, bought back part of it for 6 million? To ensure the developer took the deal, they condemned and seized "abandoned" land across the sreet and included it. By the way, the "abandoned" land had a bus depot on it and the bus business was in excess of a million dollars a year. That didn't matter.

Nope, that didn't even figure in it.

The godfather of corruption in Jersey politics is Frank Hague. He never made more than $9000 in a year, yet after 30 years as mayor of Hoboken, he left an estate of $5 million. This was back in the 50's, when a million dollars was big money.

Our largest city, Newark, has not had a mayor leave office without a jail term following since 1962. The last mayor is currently serving a 20 year term.

I suppose we should look the bright side. We have 566 municipal governments. So the means 563 officials didn't get arrested.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Miss Hospital Food

Holy crap!!!!

The food in rehab makes hospital grub seem like haute cuisine.

Yesterday's meals were a new low.

Breakfast was corn flakes and a turkey sandwich.

Lunch was an plain omelet, they don't even give me ketchup, with a side of carrots. Lemon jell-o in a shape of a ring for dessert.

Dinner was spaghetti topped with ground beef, and a side of mixed vegetables.

Now I look ahead to next week. Sunday night dinner is cabbage soup. Photobucket

BTW, what the heck is turkey loaf?

The Crotchety Old Lady is gonna have to smuggle in rations.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Mayor's New Clothes

Remember the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes?

If the newest candidate for Mayor of New York City wins the election, that story will come to life.

The Naked Cowboy

He has the name recognition factor. He'll be able to save on clothing expenses. He claims no one knows how to do more with less.

With all the politicians caught stuffing their pockets, it might be good to have a politician without pockets for a change.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Those crazy nurses

I haven't been able to post because of the nurses. I go for dialysis on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and transportation is by ambulance at 5 a.m.

What time does the wacky nurse come in to wake me up with a bowl of corn flakes?

2:30 a.m.



So basically, I spend my days shuffling around like a zombie. Trying to take a nap is nearly impossible. And the worst part is the they always seem to find something for me to do during the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

But the good news is I'm avoiding wedgies in PT.

I'm getting stronger and even jogged a few miles shuffled about 20 steps.

The food doesn't really agree with me so I fart every time I stand up. It's just like my exercises have their own theme music.

If the crazy nurses let me sleep, I'll be back tomorrow.

My new number is 732.650.8441

Monday, July 20, 2009

10 Things I've Learned

I've learned a few things recently and decided to share them with you.

1. When a person with a sharp instrument is about to poke you, and announces "You may feel a little pinch," or "Bee sting" they have never been pinched or stung by a bee.

2. Pooping at an 87 degree angle in a bedpan, occasionally produces messes. No need to test this yourself.

3. Wedgies are an effective method to get old fat men out of a wheelchair.

4. "I'll be right there" is a relative term in the hospital. It ranges from 3 minutes to nearly a half hour.

5. Spongebaths from Nurse Heather -- good. Those from Nurse Dave -- not so much.

6. Brazilians are a good look for porn stars and bikini models. On old fat men they aren't. They make the cute nurses look at your "junk" and giggle. And they itch when growing in.

7. Hospital kitchen staff can't cope with "different". If there is a request for hot or cold tea with no sugar or artificial sweetener, they lose their minds. They will send either "diet" tea (blech) or 12 packs of the pink stuff. Also foods exist there that are nowhere else. I just had grape flavored jelly. Completely grape-free.

8. The nicer a person in a lab coat acts the greater the odds that they will do something painful to you.

9. If you refuse to do something, no matter how logical it is to refuse, you will be labeled "non compliant." And spat upon.
Ok, not really spat upon, but shunned. And given only green jell-o.

10. Fellow bloggers are some of the kindest people on earth.

I have received phone calls from Quirky, Lobo,
Secondary Roads
I know there were more but the stroke kind of killed part of my brain and I really can't remember right now. But for every call, I am extremely grateful.
And, of course, I'd like to thank Janna for the hilarious get well card.

I'll never forget the blog posts by Ettarose, Nanny Goats in Panties, Nonamedufus, and others and the well wishes from all my blogger friends. It all meant so much during a very dark time.

I'll do my best to get back to humorblogging without that hospital smell.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Crotchety Gets A Brazilian

This is a smoother and more manageable Crotchety here.

It seems one part of a heart catharazation involves violating my naughty bits in a way they had never been before.

That's right, I got a Brazilian. The good thing is now it takes only a minute to get dressed. And, of course, every nurse has to check the incision--and see the old man and giggle at his baby -like smoothness.

Since I've been in the hospital, they have removed some excess water fron my body.

How much?

Nine (9)gallons!!!

By the way, my phone number in rehab is 732.287.9555 ext 170. Mornings are ususlly the worst time. I'll start visiting my friends blogs soon.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I Have Access!!!

Mrs C has been girlie-ing up the blog, so I had to take matters into my own hands and eventually convince the doctors to transfer me to a rehab center with access.

Here's my first post:

I’m in rehab, and not the good kind with partied out celebs. I’m here with your phlegm-y Grandpa. But I do have access to wifi.

I managed to get out of the hospital thanks to all your good thoughts and prayers. It certainly wasn’t due to the doctors who did their best find every test they could give me before screwing up.

“Sorry about lowering your blood pressure too much and causing that stroke, Crotchety. But that was actually a good thing because it was a minor stroke and now we know you have to be careful because you are susceptible to a deadly one.”

Yeah that was the quote, except for the apology.

I got hit with enough gamma rays (Noocular Medicine they call it) that I have the Hulk’s greenish hue, but not his strength.

I have catheters hanging out of me and more needle tracks than the average junkie.

And I’ve developed a taste for green jell-o and graham crackers.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with some surprising news.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Room 444

Play that number!

I had my catherization today. It just wore me out. They picked me up from JFK this morning at 12:00 am and brought me here to RWJUH...Kept me up asking questions that were already in my files. By the time I finally fell asleep it was time to go to the Cath Lab.

I do have some blockage but it can be treated with meds and I will be getting a pace maker down the road.

I have yet to speak with a new neurologist for my brain stuff.

Now for a nap!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Moving On

Dictated today at 1:30 est...

It turns out that I did have a mini-stroke and there are other brain occlusions. Since I am going to a another hospital, Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, the brain guy is going to have this checked out further.

Tomorrow I will be having a cardiac catherization/angiogram to let me know why the chest pain. WISH ME LUCK.

By the way Corky, how is that couch-raising fund coming along?

Thanks to everyone for their phone calls and cards. Your kindnesses are so appreciated.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

From Room 4330

Dictated to my "private secretary" at 4:00 pm today...

Greetings from JFK Hospital in Edison, NJ! I wanted to let you all know I really appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers from my fellow bloggers. My most recent phone is 732-321-7364. Should you call be aware that my speech may be a little slurred which is reality right now and not for comedic effect. If you would like to be on equal footing enjoy a half bottle of JD prior to calling...

Beware pornish content ahead:

As luck would have it I was assigned a student nurse -- WOOO HOOOO -- Of course I got the only male nurse on the floor. His first order of business was to check with me to see if I wanted him to bathe me so I asked to see if he had drawn the short straw or lost a bet. I must be living right because he left and returned with two lovely FEMALE student assistants -- a blonde and a redhead! THANK YOU!

I am having a lot of wierd problems. The audio specialist, a.k.a. Dr. A_ _ H_ _ _ , was convinced I was faking my not hearing. The doctor covering for my PCP came to my rescue and let him know that the first week I was not having any communication problems. All the new nurses, physician assistants and doctors that have been paying me visits since Saturday ask if I have always been confused and having these verbal challenges.

I still have my part-time position here as a pin cushion. High number of sticks today is 11.

I look so forward to getting on line soon!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The Saga Continues

This is just to let all you followers know that Crochety still does not have access to the internet from his hospital bed...yes, I said HOSPITAL BED. This is incredulous I know.

He was set to go to a sub-acute facility for physical therapy last Friday, but got chest pains so he was kept for observation. Then they gave him the wrong med dosage and he lost his hearing and speech. Since his cardiac doctor was away they didn't do anything until Monday. Very scary! He had every test going with good results but still has intermittent "white noise" in his head and he can form sentences now. I can understand him when he talks at this point.

He did get annoyed with me when I didn't have my camera to take his picture for you while he was getting his EKG. The look with all the wires attached to his head was priceless.

Yesterday while getting physical therapy he had chest pains and then again later last night. He has been shuttling back and forth between the telemetry unit and the "I am ready to get out of here floor." Today is a CT scan. He is continuing dialysis and is bedridden. Spoke briefly with him this morning and he sounds exhausted.

I will print out any comments and bring them to him...not much else cheers him up...except for the lovely young nurses!

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Update from Mrs. "C"

The old man is still in the hospital...and still hating it, especially since he can't get an on-line connection. They moved his room Wednesday morning one floor down to the old wing. This crisis is more frightening to me than the others have been. Maybe because he waited much too long to admit it was one.

Joe just found out he has a staph infection. The heart doc is trying to level out his blood pressure, which keeps spiking, so he cannot go to a sub-acute facility as was planned. He is currently scheduled for surgery some time today to have the shunt put in his arm for the dialysis.

Much thanks to everyone for their calls.

Your prayers and good thoughts are very much appreciated.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

While in the hospital, I get to meet lots of new and interesting people.

My nurses are great. And, unlike previous visits when care was provided by nurses named Sarge or Dave, this time it has been mostly beautiful and caring nurses. They could be underwear models, they are that pretty. And no, not underwear models like from the old Sears catalog, but the good kind.

There is Nurse Toots, and Nurse Wicked Awesome, both credits to the health care industry.

And then there are the Poking Techs. I have no idea why, but the techs are borderline evil.

Always poking around where they don't belong. And for some reason, they are always angry.

Angry pokey people suck.