Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ketchup time

The illness that I mentioned is CHF (congestive heart failure.) You know those lists when you go to a new doctor or health plan, and you need to list all past diseases, conditions, and illnesses, yeah, I pretty well check off everything but vaginal dryness.

The CHF isn't hard to deal with usually, and as long as I take my meds and do all the stuff I'm supposed to, all is well. I didn't do either. So, basically, fluids built up, and I'm drowning in my own juices. Yeah, I'm a moron. I've been reminded of it hourly by my family.

Breathing. It's a good thing

I'm still marooned here because I can't go up steps. I'm having a ramp built Monday morning, so I'll be able to crawl back into my hovel.

And I'll be able to play online without the nephew staring at me because World of Warcraft is without his whatever the heck it is he has, right now. I'm going out on a limb here, and presuming it is some sort of important warcraft.

Lastly, because I obsess about weird things, I have prepared a post to be put up in case I croak. It is a tear filled tribute to me. It is wrought with emotion and stuff. I'm hoping you don't get to read it soon, but it is there just in case.

I care about youse in perpetuity.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

My Holiday weekend update

I am still marooned at Casa de My Sister, so not really able to have any quality time with my PC until Monday. In the meantime, I thought I'd takes some pictures to share, but I am cameraless. Yeah, I know, that sucks. So, I did the next best thing...I drew some picture of everything. Pretty awesome, huh? Enjoy the drawing of my sister, her husband, my nephew, and their dog, Harley, and cat, Tyler.

It's just like you are here. Who needs a camera. And, if you ever meet them on the street, you'll be able to recognize them.


Friday, November 28, 2008

Oy vey

I'm still stranded here at Chez Sister. Some Holiday health problem flaired up, so my posting has been a bit sporadic. It's tough to get quality computer time as the nephew spends about 16 hours a day playing World of Warcraft. It's going to be a few days before I'm back irritating everyone on a regular basis. Just wanted to let my entrecard friends know, I'll return the drops in a few days.

Thanks for your patience. I promise that at least one funny post will come out of this recent bout of ill health. I'm sure diapers will be involved.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving and more

Wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Long story, as to why post is late. I'll explain in the next day or so. Nothing terribly bad.

Anyway, I'm at sister's house, and we'll soon be playing Risk, which is a family tradition.

We have some quirky parts of the game, which are pretty interesting.

To begin with, the colors of each army have fierce names. I usually play as the Black Death.

My brother in law or nephew will be the Bluebonic Plague. And the other will be Yellow Fever.

The Red Menace used to be my father, so it has been retired. No one ever has been Gangreen, and if my sister or wife plays (not thesame person,) they get to be the ever so girlie Pink Eye.

The game lasts a while, and nearly every year, the game ends the same way, my nephew cheats. I've never caught him cheating, but it is so obvious. With my superior intellect, and vast knowledge of miltary history and tactics, and incredible dice rolling ability, I should easily win every game in minutes. But noooooooooooo. He resorts to cheating, and may gain a slight advantage. At that time, for reasons totally unknown, there is often a rumble in the distance, and an earthquake hits the board and flips it upside down, scattering pieces everywhere.

In case you are wondering, I have never lost a game of Risk yet.

And don't tell my nephew, but I have a new strategy. I'm conquering Greenland first. Yes, Greenland, whose principle exports are whale blubber and Eskimo Pies (main ingredient--whale blubber) will be the center of my empire. (Insert evil laugh)

Have a happy and safe Holiday. Don't forget, the captions are still being accepted, and the voting polls are still open for humorblogger of the year. Type to you tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Caption This

Due to the holiday, captions will be accepted until Saturday.


Still open for voting for a few more days. Thank you for all your support.
Granny Gipp is smiling down on you, too.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thanksgiving week continues

I hope everyone enjoyed yesterday's blog exchange and the various unusual Thanksgiving stories throughout the humorblogger universe.

So today, we have a lot to catch up on this Holiday week. Tomorrow, I'll have the weekly "Caption This" but it's going to be slightly different. Due to family obligations (yours not mine--I have no life) I'm going to leave it up for a couple days to make it more fair. I realize between travel and cooking, and eating, and avoiding/encontering relatives, many of the regulars will have a, pardon the expression, full plate. So, I'm going to leave the contest open longer to give everyone an opportunity to get those entrecard credits and have some fun.

I've been getting lots of compliments about the new blog look. Angie, from Cup of Snarky designed the header and improved the layout. She is truly talented. You'll notice my blogroll, which was getting so out of control is now conveniently tucked away under the links tab. Sweet! Now, I can add some more of the great blogs I read every day.

Lastly, the vote for Humorblogger of the Year Primary ends this week, so I'm running out of time to ask for your support. I didn't want to do this, but I felt it important to tell you a little story from my childhood, when I was just a Little Crotchety.

My Grandma Gipp (on my mother's side, obviously) was on her deathbed. She brought me close, and the last thing she said to me in a hoarse voive to me was

"Lil' Crotchety, sometime, when you are up against it -- and the breaks are beating you -- tell them to go out there with all they got and vote just one for the Gipper." Granny Gipp used to talk in the 3rd person, which was weird, but she was my Granny, so I accepted her.
I'm going to need a minute here.........
Thanks.......(ed note: Crotchety's eyes are misty and his typing is unsteady)

"I don't know where I'll be then, Lil' Crotchety," she whispered, "but
I'll know about it - and I'll be happy." Photobucket

Please make Granny Gipp happy in heaven and vote for my blog

Monday, November 24, 2008

My______ Thanksgiving

My fellow Humorbloggers had the idea to swap stories for Thanksgiving. The working title was My_____Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough to draw Plain Ole Mike
My post is at his place. But enjoy his fine writing here first.
Don't worry, my whiny posts will be back tomorrow.

Here's Plain Ole Mike's terrific entry. Enjoy.

Given the topic "My _________ Thanksgiving" opens up about a gazillion cans of worm infested turkey bi-products. I could go with My Pants Popping Thanksgiving, during which my uncle, my dad, and I decided to see who could gain the most weight in 24 hours. There's always My Ill-Advised Thanksgiving which the turkey was not as "done enough" as we'd hoped. There was also My British Thanksgiving taking place during my study abroad program, where I tried to treat my English flatmates to a traditional American November feast, but wound up with fire hazard poultry style. Instead, I'm simply going to introduce you to My Very Extended Family Thanksgiving.

About ten years ago, before we were officially wed, my wife introduced me to her extended family over a particularly eventful Thanksgiving weekend. Allow me to introduce you to the cast of characters.

Grandpa - The family patriarch. In his late 80s at the time, grandpa was as spry and agile as a thirty year old, but wisely spent almost the entire weekend hiding in his model airplane workshop. You'll soon realize why I think that was wise.

Grandma - By this point in her life, grandma had already begun to fade. I don't make fun of the elderly or sick, but the fact that she spent the whole five days repeatedly calling me "Phil" left me a bit confused and concerned. In case you're unaware - my name isn't Phil.

Uncle Bob - Is the first-born son. He can do no wrong, so when he suggested that we buck tradition and cook this year's turkey on the grill, there were cries of genius. Unfortunately, when you start drinking at 9am (on Tuesday) it can throw off your bird cooking judgement a tad. I give you the highlights of that experience: Twenty-four pound turkey. Gas grill that hasn't been turned on since the mid-1970s, and isn't large enough to fit a bird of that size. A fireball that melted a pair of flip-flop sandals on the deck twenty feet above the grill. A pair of hedge trimmers (because the turkey wasn't cooking fast enough). Leftover ribs for dinner (along with your traditional Thanksgiving side dishes).

Aunt Candy - Uncle Bob's wife. I have very little to say about her, because she absolutely refused to talk to anyone. She ate breakfast before everyone else woke up, she ate dinner after we'd all retired for the night, and spent the rest of the time locked in her room. I don't know the whole story, but the rumor was she was upset about an incident involving paper towels and decided the best way to solve the problem was complete isolation. I was also told that I was lucky she wasn't out socializing.

Uncle Jamie - Is a pretty nice guy. An aging hippie who has an uncontrollable fear of onions. He wandered into the kitchen on Saturday while I was preparing dinner, saw me chopping onions, and ran away screaming without a word. His wife later came in to politely ask that I not chop any more onions until Jamie had time to gather his things and leave the house for a bit. I never got any more explanation than that.

Aunt Beth - Is married to Uncle Jamie. Her contribution to the festivities was a garlic bread type concoction made from leftover hamburger buns. I'm sharing the recipe, but I do not advise its use: Take some old buns. Spread butter on them until you run out of butter, then soak the remaining ones in vegetable oil. Chop fresh garlic and cover buns with enough garlic to make vampires nine states over cringe. Sprinkle with paprika in doses large enough to make the prime ministers of paprika producing nations wake up with cartoon dollar signs in their eyes. Bake on a cookie sheet until the oil has deep fried the bread and the bread itself has reached the consistency of a stale hockey puck. Serve. To be in true Aunt Beth form, be sure to remark - "It's amazing the wonderful things you can do with toasted bread" and be painfully unaware that you're being mocked when your relatives attempt to create a top ten list of the amazing things you can do with toasted bread.

Uncle Tom - Has some sort of social disorder. He is in his 60s and lives in his parent's basement. The very basement where I was to sleep. I overheard rumblings that Tom had gone off his meds and the "voices were back," so when he decided 3am while I was sleeping was the right time to watch his video collection of bad science fiction movies, I pretended to stay asleep.

Cousin John - Gave new meaning to the phrase fall down drunk - well, actually, he just stuck with the original intent of the idea. Every night he was so drunk that he'd actually fall down. Out of a chair, down the stairs, into the lake... The cream of the fall down crop was the night he fell down just outside my bedroom window, going up the rocky steps leading from the backyard to the front of the house. John fell down, stayed there all night bleeding from several places, and wasn't found until I let the dogs out the next morning and they brought me back his pants - which had somehow been removed in the night.

Cousin Tara - Is probably the friendliest person I've ever met, but she made the Spinal Tap amps set on 11 look soft spoken. She was so loud that people across the lake called us one night to ask her to please shut up. She didn't. She lacked the ability.

Cousin Mindy - Finally we get to Mindy. Mindy makes even the most hardened alcoholics look like lightweights. I once witnessed her consuming an entire six pack in under a minute, and not in a bar bet or contest, just because her blood alcohol level had dropped below inebriated, so she needed an adjustment. To make things more fun, Mindy was not a happy drunk, and she was upset that my wife was allowed to bring an "outsider," but she wasn't given permission to bring her boyfriend to Thanksgiving. So, in the middle of the night, having ingested enough alcohol to make a rhino dizzy, Mindy decided to head off into the woods to find a payphone and call her fella. Apparently she did not have her orienteering merit badge, because instead she found a house she though was the rental one of her uncles was staying in, broke in, and called her beau. The owners of the home didn't really care about Mindy's heartache, their concern was the drunk stranger making long distance calls at 4am in their living room. The police didn't find the situation nearly as amusing as I do either.

So there's My Extended Family Thanksgiving. Even after all that, I married her anyway, and lucky for me and my need to have humorous characters to write about, her family was part of the package. I've got my bags packed for this year's gathering already, tucked away in the suitcase is an extra pad of paper to write all this down, some paper towels to keep the peace, a bag of onions to add to the hilarity, bail money, and a packet of Carl Budding sliced turkey, because ribs on Thanksgiving just aren't right

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Our Day of Romance

Today was the 16th anniversary of the day we met, so I thought we would try to have a romantic day at home.

In case you weren't sure, the Crotchety Old Lady and I have a slightly unusual relationship. Our first dinner date 16 years ago was at a place called Jim's Burger Haven in Hazlet, NJ.


This former Burger Chef is a Bayshore landmark for fine dining. Every single booth has been carefully restored to its 1960/1970's splendor with vinyl tape that is nearly the same color as the seat itself. The Ms. Pacman video game was near cherry, also. And the walls are a beautiful wood paneling that will be back in style eventually.

I haven't been there in about 2 years, so I can only imagine it is still the same. But we still consider it to be "our place." The food is tasty, consisting mainly of burgers and other fast food regulars along with a unique New Jersey treat, pork roll. Some high faluting establishments call pork roll Taylor Ham, but at Jim's it's known as the less cosmopolitan pork roll.

Back to our day of romance.

For lunch we had a beef pot pie. Delicious. We considered eating it together, but it was the Rutgers-- Army game on TV, and the laundry wasn't about to do itself.

I took my nap on the couch, but I did think of the Mrs. as I closed my eyes. I'm reasonably sure she was thinking pleasant romantic-type thoughts of me as she cleaned up lunch dishes and straightened up the house a little.

As dinner time rolled around, I reminded her that it was very cold out, and she would not enjoy going out to dinner in such weather. But it is her anniversary, too, and I didn't want her to fuss, so I just had her make me a simple dinner. I'm good to her that way.

After dinner, that's when I whisked her away to the land of bliss. After making me hot chocolate, and bringing me some dessert, I asked her to sit next to me while I read blogs and dropped entrecards. She liked that, I think. I mean, when I asked, her if she was enjoying herself, she said, "Yeah, it's every girl's dream."

She sounded a bit sarcastic, but she likes to joke that way.

Hey, I know how to treat my lady.

We're good for another year.

If you haven't voted for me yet, it would make the Mrs. happy if you cast a quick vote for me.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Longest Night Ever

For reasons only known to her, the Crotchety Old Lady has decided to babysit one of her rugrat grandchildren overnight. Normally, this wouldn't matter, however she has hidden my percosets, oxycotin, Vicodin, Jack Daniels, Grey Goose, and every other possible mind numbing intoxicant that would normally get me through such a night.

It started with Hannah Friggin' Montana. This show is apparently 30 minutes of an idiotic laugh track, with an occasional song. Damn, my head is pounding. Next came another 30 minutes of pretend hilarity called the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I have no idea what the purpose of this is other than an excuse for a constant laugh track. Apparently, the guys who own the laugh track company has some very naughty pictures of Disney executives in compromising positions.

OK, we'll use your laugh track

I fully understand why people use drugs. It gives some relief from the Disney channel and its laugh track.

It was a Hannah Friggin Montana Marathon, man

Make the pain stop

Instead of commercials, I was treated to a whiny rendition of "Where's Mom? When am I going home?" every, oh, I don't know, 3 minutes.

In between absolutely mindless crap on Disney channel, there are shorts that are basically mini infommercials. I now know more about the Jonas Friggin Brothers than any male over the age of 16.

I found my limit.

1 hour.

I locked both of them out of the room.
Voting is still open

Friday, November 21, 2008

Contest winner announced; Crotchety exposes himself

The staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship wanted to thank everyone for the many great captions. In fact, they said this week was one of the best ever. Lots to cover, so I'll get right to it.

In the asbsolute closest contest in a while, first place votes were tallied by Eve, Ettarose, Swirl, MA Fat Woman, Speedcat, Free Unicorns, and Chris.


Multiple points were also scored by Shadow, Krissi, Shaxx, Carrie, Kate, Brazen, Heather, and Jormen

"That's the last time I donate my cast offs to Goodwill in San Fran!"
Eve Cleveland

Second place went to the captioner who had no first place votes, but appeared on half the judges scorecards, Candid Carrie. MA Fat Woman scored the bronze zucchini.


No one guessed which 2 facts were false. For the record:

1. A few years ago, I passed a rather large kidney stone that, when viewed from the right angle, looked eerily like the profile of Rutherford B. Hayes. True, and I really need to find it.

2. I lost the 8th grade county spelling bee on a technicality. True, stupid rules.

3. I'm a certified teacher. Frightening, but true. Social Studies and Special ed.

4. I have been married 3 times. False, less.

5. I have been shown in cable TV audiences at least 4 times. True, Uncle Floyd twice, Cooking w.Christina, and some interview show with Steve Adabato hosting

6. I've posed for pictures and signed autographs as a professional wrestler for German tourists. Surprisingly True. That will be a whole blog post about my pro wrestling career.

7. When younger, I was in 4H and raised a champion bull. False. I grew up in a city in New Jersey, and with my history with wildlife--could you imagine the stories I would have had?

8. My first serious girlfriend couldn't say the word aluminum. True. No matter hot cute I thought she was, I just couldn't hang with some woman who used looneyum foil.

Have a nice weekend. Stop by tomorrow for some weekend wackiness, including some serious ignoring of Greenland.

Don't you really want to vote for me now, after I exposed myself to you?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Strange Science News

It's one of those days when I am getting over my 37th cold of the season, and I need to post, so I search The Google for something interesting. And, of course, the all powerful Google comes through.

The whole global warming issue comes to the forefront of my mind. Global warming kills off polar bears and I was wondering what could be the downside? Polar bears are vicious predators, enemy of men, penguins, and seals alike. Seals and penguins are probably rooting for global warming. They may be behind the whole thing. This photo shows the penguins aggressively doing their part.

Sure, they may be the best dressed animals in the world, but that doesn't mean they aren't quite vicious in their own rite.

Seals may look innocent, and docile, but I don't trust them.

One minute they are entertaining us,

And the next shivers they are plotting to eat your children.

So, stop global warming, and hug a polar bear.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Disclaimer: No polar bears were hugged in the making of this blog post. Crotchety Old Man World Wide Enterprises and Discount House of Worship does not recommend the hugging of any wild animal and is not responsible for such acts.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Caption This To Win Craptacular prizes


Since no one has yet guessed correctly which 2 Tuesday facts were false, I'll leave the post open until Friday. Many guessed one right, but no one got both.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

And now, for something completely different

Instead of two for Tuesday, I'll participate in a meme I have received. And, I'll make it a little different, just to see if youse have been paying attention. A couple of my favorite bloggers have done this lately, and the results have been fun.

First, the meme

8 things about me is from Chunks of Reality. This is a pretty interesting blog, and her 8 facts were astounding.

What I am going to do is give some facts, and you can guess which are correct. The prize, of course, is the adulation of the blogosphere.

1. A few years ago, I passed a rather large kidney stone that, when viewed from the right angle, looked eerily like the profile of Rutherford B. Hayes.

19th President of the US or my kidney stone?

2. I lost the 8th grade county spelling bee on a technicality.

3. I'm a certified teacher.

4. I have been married 3 times.

5. I have been shown in cable TV audiences at least 4 times.

6. I've posed for pictures and signed autographs as a professional wrestler for German tourists.

7. When younger, I was in 4H and raised a champion bull.

8. My first serious girlfriend couldn't say the word aluminum.

Of those 8 facts, only 6 are true. Can you guess which ones?

I'm going to tag Eve from

She is a lady of mystery, so it would be wonderful to find out 8 things about her. Of course, she is under no obligation to tag anyone, but can tag up to 8 others.

Anyone else wishing to participate, just let me know.

Graham from

Presented the blog with the following award:

There were no strings attached, and I'm grateful as stringy awards can be annoying. I appreciate the recognition from my blogger friends. Thanks. Also, I'm not exactly sure what it says as it's in Spanish and according to my high school Spanish, my blog approximates a blog. Must be one of those idiomatic things, either that or I was absent that day.

Lastly, the ebay situation is resolved, now, I can devote my energy to Quizno reparations.

And I can devote even more time to ignoring Greenland.

THIS JUST IN: I was interviewed by Doc Nicole. It's health related, and me, being the world's unhealthiest blogger, you may want to read it.

Still time to vote for me. Just click on the icon on the left side.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Verdict Is In, High Hefner is Creepy

OK, I'm a guy. I like football, and baseball, and I definately like women. A lot. That being said, Hugh Hefner is one creepy dude.

I'm sure nearly every male looks at him "dating" 19 year old twins, and thinks, "You go, old dude." But really, isn't it just a bit on the creepy side? The guy is over 80years old. If he is "active" more power to him, but really, what the hell is up with those girls? When they were kids, do you think they ever dreamed of one day tag teaming the Cryptkeeper?


Don't think for a minute that I'm jealous, because I'm not. I just find it incredibly bizarre that any young, very attractive woman, would want to be with someone the age of her grandparents, let alone to share said octagenarian with her sister.

I've heard of May-December romances, but that usually implies they are from the same century, at least. Hef remembers when Baskin-Robbins only had 3 flavors.

Does he have that much money, really? I'm verklempt. Youse are welcome to discuss this amongst yourselves.

And please vote for me for Humorblogger of the year of the week this month.
I am pretty sure I lost Hef and the entire bimbo vote.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Sunday post 100% innards free

The Crotchety Old Lady is possibly the funniest woman alive. And the best part is, she has no idea. When discussing the post from yesterday, she wanted to know what is wrong with me. It seems that the majority of my posts concern either my innards or bodily functions.

And then she said, "You should make Sundays pristine." I asked what did she mean?

Her answer? "Make it your doody."

Then she wondered why I was laughing at her. I typed out exactly what she said, and she said, "You are so damn immature. You know I meant d.u.t.y. "Photobucket

Yeah, it's a like a full time party here at Casa Crotchety. Photobucket

Even the Crotchety Old Lady voted for me. Shouldn't you?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just A Stone's Throw Away

So, I'm doing my number 1 business, and all of a sudden, I feel pain, and hear a plunk.

That's never a good sign. Ever. Take my word for that.

Pain is hardly ever good, unless you're a freak and into that, and a plunk sound is also only good if tossing coins in a fountain. Since I don't enjoy pain, and had no fountain nearby, further investigation was needed. It was a kidney stone. Now, nothing funny about that, so I decided maybe I could get a chuckle if I properly illustrated my situation.

I first found a photo that could be considered "cute."


Awwww. Look at the baby searching for Crotchety's kidney stone.
That was just weird inappropriate.

So, I decided to find a wacky photo, instead. There were a lot of them. This one was pretty good, but not quite right.

I kept searching, because I love the Google. Only at Google could I find an illustration that had nothing to do with kidney stones, or this post, yet somehow, it fit in perfectly. Seriously, WTH is this guy doing?


This could almost qualify for my weekly caption this, except it is simply too bizarre.

And don't forget:
The voting is still going on for the weekly Humorblogger of the year of the month. I have no idea how I'm doing, and don't care. But vote for me and your barren sheep will bear fruit.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Winner declared; Ebay seller update

The staff at Crotchety Old Man's World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship put in overtime to choose this week's caption winner.

Adds another meaning to 'Rhino-sore-arse'
By Shmeidi

I proudly present the Zucchini Trophy for Excellence in Captioning


First place votes were tallied by Fly, Anndi, and Jormengrund.

Multiple votes were also registered by Tammy, Jenn, Bradley, Dad the Dude, Matt, Heather, and Brazen.

Overall, the Fly was second, and Jormengrund third.

As promised, an ebay seller update: The seller said it was best to contact him by phone. I tried, but, of course, the phone answering thing is full.

Don't forget to vote again for Humorblogger of the year of the month. This time it counts.
Or not.
Who knows?
I'm pretty happy as long as I get more votes than "Other."


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thankfully, the week is almost over

This has been a week when everything in the Universe has decided to mess with me.
It started with my crappy Quiznos turkey sub, and Quiznos attempt to marginalize me.

Just like my first college girlfriend, they won't return my calls. But I will be stepping up my campaign early next week. Photobucket I demand satisfaction, dammit.

Then, I ordered a piece of medical equipment from an Ebay powerseller. It was wrong, either boxed incorrectly, or the seller sent the wrong piece. Either way, I am still without it. Naturally, I sent a few emails, and he now is ignoring them. Fortunately, I paid with Paypal, so I just will have to file a complant and I'll get my money back. Still, the annoyance factor will be high as I have to return the rather large item, and as of today, I don't have his address either. I swear it's a friggin conspiracy.

Then, about a week ago, the Spawn mailed out the chocolate to everyone. It went Priority, because I didn't want it to take too long.

I thought Priority meant something to be done first. The fact that it said two days, also led me to believe it would take, oh, I don't know, 2 days.
It turns out that to the fine folks at the United States Postal Office "Priority" really means "Eventually" and 2 days also means "Eventually." Live and learn.

By now, everyone except my winner from Canada and the winner who contacted me late should have their chocolate. If not, please let me know as soon as possible. My email address is on the sidebar.

Quasi-Important Notice:

And it's back. Just when you thought elections were over for a few years, Humorbloggers is having a redo on the Humorblogger of the Year contest. This is like the primary, and each blogger is listed in a catagory. Then all the winning catagory bloggers will be thrown into the Burning Circle of Death Final Vote and will be crowned Humorblogger of the Year. Or not. The huge icon on the left will direct you to the site where you can vote for me under "Personal Life Humorblogger." Your vote won't get me my sub, medical equipment, or your chocolate, but it will make me feel better, and that's pretty darned important.

BTW, I've already voted for you for Humorblog Reader of the Year.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Caption This Wednesday

Huge prizes. 500 Entrecard credits and the usual world wide fame. Good luck.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Two for Tuesday

Welcome to another two for Tuesday, but, as usual, you will get so much more.

To begin, I would like to thank all the veterans who have given so much in service to my country.


It's funny, but we often overlook the fact that the families serve, too. I appreciate their service. Thank you for all your sacrifices.

Now on to the usual shenanigans:

Quizno's has ignored me. They are trying to marginalize me and my crappy turkey sandwich. I can assure you, this is not over yet. I'm pretty Photobucket

And I will continue to ignore Greenland. And to further insult Greenland I will refuse to conquer it when I play Risk with my nephew. Or maybe I should completely conquer it. I'm not sure which is more insulting. Let me know what you think.

I have selected 2 blogs to highlight this week that are very special.

One is the All Arkie Army blog
This blog is a compilation from various writers with connections to the Natural State. Now, I'll admit I have another reason for nominating this blog. Once a month, they bestow the honorary title of Captain on deserving bloggers. This is the equivalent of the Kentucky Colonel title and darn it, I want one. When I finally get those misguided individuals from Quizno's on the phone, I want to introduce myself as Captain Crotchety. I can imagine them quaking in their boots when they realize that they are messing with a person of such influence and with a prestigeous title like that. My connection to Arkansas is pretty limited. I'm from NJ. About all I have going is that my Grandfather used to vacation in Arkansas. So, you can see my position is tenuous, at best.

The second blog I'd lke to highlight is Kitchen Table Medicine.

I usually try to highlight a blog that is newer and doesn't get a lot of attention. But I'm making an exception for Doc Nicole mainly because she has changed her blog a lot and is turning it into a truly interactive tool for those who would lke to get healthy using, well, things we eat. She has assembled a team of experts and is building a library, so to speak of various journal entries on many many topics. Also, in the very near future, Doc is conducting aninterview with an expert in the field of living unhealthy. She found someone who has had nearly every disease known to man, and still manages to blog every day. My His interview will be soon. I'll let you know when it appears.

Stop by tomorrow for the weekly "Caption This"

Monday, November 10, 2008

First Greenland, and now Quizno's

I reached out to Greenland in friendship, and they slapped my hand away. I'm done with them. They don't want to visit my blog--fine. Be that way.

I have a new mission. I am determined to get reparations from Quizno's. I was wronged, and I demand satisfaction.

I guess you could say


This Means War!!!!!

What, you may ponder, has turned me from my usual slightly crotchety self into a seething mass of anger and day old chicken lips?

Quiznos. Grrrrrr. Photobucket

Last week, the Crotchety Old Lady decided to stop at Quiznos to pick up lunch for us. Yes, the home of the "more meat" subs. That was their advertising for years.

I chose the turkey, and she went with a salad because she likes to watch her girlish figure.

I only wanted tomatoes on mine, so it should have been no problem.

I received a sandwich whose filling could be called, at best, turkeyish. Couple that with a few paper thin slices of tomato, and you had my lunch. Ok, it was cheap, as they are trying to compete with the Eat Fresh folks at Subway. But the only way they could have given me less meat would have been to just rub turkey on the bread.

"More meat?" Than what, a bread and mayo sandwich? I guess it had more than that. But barely. And now, I'm just slightly annoyed rather than my usual mellow self. Stop snickering.

Anyway, the Mrs. gave me the receipt and asked me to call Quizno's and register a complaint as the check has a phone number right on it to speak to a friendly Quizno's customer service rep to let them know "How we are doing."

It also offered a website, but I know those things are annoying, especially since I was in the mood to yell, and typing really hard doesn't matter.

I dialed the number, and it said I had to dial a different number. Usually during these messages, I get distracted by something shiny and just robotically dial the number to get the super secret Quizno's number to complain. But today, I was on top of my game, so I heard the entire message. It costs $5.49 to get the super secret number.

So, in essence, it would cost more to complain about my crappy sub than the crappy sub cost to begin with.

I then went the online route, and took about 10 minutes to tell them about the crappy sub that took less than 10 minutes to eat. And because they slyly word the responses by the end I was nearly apologizing to Quizno's for their mediocre sandwich. Bastages.

I left my number and asked to be called back. I'm going to demand full reparations. I want a free sandwich for all my readers, a full apology, and


I'm watching you Quizno's.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

This is just stupid

Ok, the election is over. Plenty of people were unhappy with the results. Of course, it appears that no one voted for McCain because nearly every blogger I read sounds like they didn't. Must be the quietest 48% ever heard.

Anyway, it is time to move on.

I was really disturbed to read that in Warren NJ, some idiot tore down a home made Obama sign and burned it apparently in the shape of a cross. WTH is wrong with someone to do something like that? I can understand the anger associated with this election, but there still is no excuse for such behavior under any circumstances. It just reinforces the negative stereotypes that have been put forth in recent weeks.

We, as Americans, are better than this. We need to work together.

I found this classic post card online. It harkens back to a simpler time.


Saturday, November 08, 2008

Untitled Post

While scanning the internetz for interesting new stories, I found this tidbit:

Would-be cleaners take note: A blowtorch is not a good substitute for a broom. Coweta County authorities said Galen Winchell set fire to his west Georgia home Wednesday as he cleaned cobwebs from exterior eaves with a blowtorch. Winchell noticed the blaze when he saw smoke pouring from the attic.

I have spent quite a few years explaining to the Crotchety Old Lady why I should not do household chores. I would like to thank Mr. Winchell for strengthening my case.

I'm not what one would call particularly handy around the house. If it were not for my sparkling personality and rapier wit, the Mrs. would have sent me packing long ago. That, plus I make a mean pasta dinner.


Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

fish and fish products 94% (prawns 63%) (2001 est.)

Friday, November 07, 2008

Caption Winners and Important Update for Chocolate winners

I'll do the update first. All the chocolate was sent out Priority mail by Monday afternoon. It should arrive today at the latest. If you don't have it by today, please send me a note using my email on the sidebar. If you get a chance, I'd appreciate knowing that it was received, too, just so I can stop calling the Spawn every day and going over the list again. I had every winner's address except one. I will contact that lucky winner seperately, as she is rather busy being a Soccer Mom and all that. Notice I respect her privacy because we know how those blonde Pimped out Soccer Mom's can get. One international parcel came back, so it is going back out as apparently the Spawn mixed up a digit in the address.

Now, on to the contest.

The missus wanted a red convertible.. so I got 'er one.
by Chica X

She is the winner of the prestigious


Chica received the most first place votes, but LL, Carrie, The Hawg and Shadow also scored first place votes. Multiple points were also tallied by Kirsten, Offended, Matt, Fly, Mike, Marvel Goose, Dad the Dude, and Tahtimbo.

LL came in second, and The Hawg was third.

Thank you to everyone for participating. The judges did complain and stated they were very sad anytime anyone made fun of me. They were truly hurt. (Ed. Note: Not really. They like when you make fun of Crotchety)

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Greenland is divided into four time zones

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Things I wonder about

Everyone knows I don't always think like the rest of youse.

For example, I just saw a commercial where they stated that 85% of people suffer with hemorhoids. Do the rest just enjoy them? Those are the types of things that I ponder.
Yes, I have a lot of free time think deep thoughts.

And that reminded me of my colonoscopy I had about a year or so ago. They had no idea what was wrong with me, I kept throwing up. So, one of the doctors got the idea to shove a camera attached to a 50 foot long cable up my butt. I would really like to know how they came up with that. I am far from an expert in the workings of the human body, but oy. Can you imagine that meeting?

Dr 1. Crotchety keeps throwing up.
Dr. 2. Did you give him any type of medicine?
Dr 1. Yes, and he just kept throwing up.
Dr 2. How about a blood transfusion?
Dr 1. Done. And he still keeps throwing up.
Dr 2. Hmmm. How much insurance does he have left?
Dr 1. 2 days.
Dr 2. Hmmm
Dr 1. Hmmm
Dr 2. Is that a new Nikon you have there?
Dr 1. Why yes it is, right next to the 50' spool of cable.
Dr 2. Let's put it up his butt and take pictures.
Dr 1. Ha ha ha.

The doctors did not find anything, I stopped throwing up, but I did have a really unusual Christmas card to send out that year.


Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

Country Name
conventional short form: Greenland

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Caption this for craptacular prizes


Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
The world's largest island, it is about 81% ice-capped
Please vote in this week's poll (or don't)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Two for Tuesday

First, I'd like to say I hope everyone is going to vote today. Just once, please. Vote for whomever you think will do the best job, I just hope your decision is based on who you think will do the best job, not based upon anything else. Most regulars know who I'm supporting, and that's not important since I doubt anyone will change a vote based upon me.

On to the important stuff.

Today is Two for Tuesday, and I thought I'd like to share a few of the many blogs I read. On average, I click on a few hundred blogs a day, and I read all of them. Since many are not updated every day, I can skim over a lot, so I don't read all 250 every day, but probably read at least 100 per day. Yeah, I have no life.

Anyway, here is one I have been reading lately is Kirsten of Suburban Psychosis While her posts lately have been political in nature (like that's unusual. I'm probably 2 political blog posts away from Photobucket ) Her posts are very well written, and showcase her great sense of humor. She did recently tag me, but I'm sure she'll understand that I've been tagged more than the worst guy in Fight Club, so I'll pass. I do appreciate the recognition, though.
And the next blog I want to highlight is one that is becoming a real favorite for me. Eve of That's Funny Because. Eve has created her own unusual world, and shares stories from it with a bit of homespun country fried humor.
I hope everyone takes a minute to check these out. I'm sure you'll enjoy them as much as I do.

Don't forget, tomorrow is the caption contest. I hope to see you then.

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Literacy rate 100%
I guess when you have 1 TV channel, and nothing to do but hunt seals, may as well read a book

Monday, November 03, 2008

Taking a trip down memory lane

I was reading my Arkie Army buddy's blog post in which The Hawg is campaigning to have IHOP bring back boysenberry syrup and it got me to thinking about the homogenization of America. Our foods are becoming more standardized, and we are losing a lot. It is starting to remind me of a situation with kids who eat the same bland diet and refuse to try the new and different.
My town, which is physically fairly large (about 25 square miles or so) has 5 (five)McDonald's Restaurants (yeah, I know, it's a stretch calling them a restaurant, but we need to call them something.) I live in what is technically known as a megalopolis, that is our towns are not like one sees in other parts of the country. The towns are right next to one another, and I can assure you the nearby towns also have MickeyD's. Within 20 minutes or so of my home are another 3 or 4 at least.
I can't even count how many Domino's Pizza shops are in the area, and Subways are everywhere.
Does anyone really think this food is any good? I'll admit that a dollar cheeseburger from MickeyD's tastes ok,and even Domino's pizza for 5 bucks is a pretty good value. But I really wonder what is happening to everyone's tastes when they believe this mediocre stuff is good. Photobucket
Growing up, on Sunday morning, we went to the Italian bakery, the one that only baked bread, and bought a fresh, still warm, loaf of crispy Italian style twist bread. It wasn't baked in a large factory, somewhere hundreds of miles away, and then set on the store shelf for days. Mr. LaCorte baked it that morning, and one of his daughters sold it to me. The sausage for dinner came from a local butcher. It wasn't made a week ago, and wrapped in plastic and frozen or stored for weeks on end. It was made either the day I bought it, or the one before at worst. And pizza came from Mr. Caffaro. He baked it in a brick oven that was part of the pizzaria's building that was probably 50+ years old. These products were unique to my Italian neighborhood, and nothing exactly like it was available anywhere else. But that was a good thing. When a friend or family member visited from a different part of the country, they were treated to something unique. When we visited them, the favor was returned with something unique from their region. As foods, and America itself, has become homogenized, and our unique qualities disappear. And that stinks.
They say that our strongest memories are associated with food and smells. I'm sure you have heard your elderly relatives talk about a favorite dish from childhood. They will tell you they can still taste it, or smell Grandma's house when she made it or the smell of the bakery where they bought a favorite food.Photobucket
Do you think kids today will have pleasant memories of the smell of Shop Rite? Will they sigh and think about the taste of Cheesy bread or MickeyD's fries?

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Television broadcast stations 1

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Crotchety Haiku

Getting in touch with my inner poet

They keep the funny

At Humorbloggers dot com

Laughing is good

OK, wth is the deal with haiku? It's just the work of damn lazy poets. I've never read or written a haiku that didn't suck. Nothing rhymes, nothing cool about it. 5 syllables, then 7, then 5?

Is it poetry or is it math? The person reading it has to do all the damn work. What was the "poet" thinking? What did he mean?

Give me some Joyce Kilmer. He wrote about friggin trees. The poem was called Trees. It was about trees. He mentioned trees a bunch of times. It was said he sat under a tree when he wrote it.

I grew up on Joyce Kilmer Avenue, so I know more about him than most people and even went a few times to see the tree he sat under to write the poem. Hey, you probably didn't even know Joyce was a dude.

Now, e.e. cummings, that guy could write a poem. It may not have rhymed but he put some effort into it. Imagery, words. Ferlinghetti, one of the Beat Generation poets, showed creativity.

But the Japanese just miniaturized everything, even poems. We need to Americanize haiku. Make it better. Supersize it.

Forget the 5-7-5 rules.

Free wheel it. Make it friggin rhyme, and put at least 20 or 30 words per stanza.

Bunch of stanzas. Make it so I understand wth is going on.

Thanks for stopping by
It makes me so darn happy
When you read this blog

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Population ethnicity: Greenlander 88%
That was pretty obvious

Saturday, November 01, 2008

The Birthday Offensive

I rarely write offensive posts, but today I am writing one in honor of the Cabal Leader because today, believe it or not, is Chelle's birthday.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking: Today, All Saint's Day, one of the holiest of holy days, is also Chelle's birthday. Doesn't seem possible. Photobucket Maybe if she was born on the day of Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, the original Offended Bloggers, well, that's logical. But All Saint's Day? Photobucket

Anyway, I decided to find out more about her. It seems she is sort of an "International Woman of Mystery."

OK, more an Idaho Woman of Mystery. Photobucket

After checking several sources, I found out her real name is, are you ready, and don't tell her I told you, Michelle. I swear. Chelle, it seems, is just her nom d'plume, which is a fancy French way of saying "name to use when in a bunker during Armageddon."

Speaking of this, she is fully prepared for any sort of apocolyptic showdown with Jihadists in her sporty yet practical


Limited Collectors Edition Hello Kitty Tank
And Chelle has prepared for the post apocolyptic world as she has invested heavily in the new currency


And she plans to survive the nuclear holocaust in her bunker dining on

While you were doing things like Photobucket or Photobucket

Our Ms. Chelle has put been busy putting together a group of humor bloggers because in the post apocolyptic world, survivors will need the funny.

The funny, and, of course, Greenland.

Happy Birthday, Chelle.

If you have a chance, be sure to stop by her blog or

to wish her a happy birthday. Photobucket

Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day
Attention ladies:
0-14 years: 23.5% (male 6,867/female 6,634)
15-64 years: 69.9% (male 21,683/female 18,575)

Disclaimer: This post wasn't very offensive, unless of course you are a jihdist planning the apocolypse