Pull My Finger--The Joy of a Colonoscopy

A couple years ago I was in the hospital, and the doctors were stumped. I still had the same symptoms that I came in with, and my insurance was nearly expired. This called for drastic measures. And what could be more drastic than sticking a Kodak up my butt?

Allow me to walk you through a colonoscopy in case you have yet to experience the joys of one.

No solid food for 24 hours. Not a major deal breaker, just slightly uncomfortable, but since it is necessary to drink a gallon of this pineapple tasting glop, hunger is the least of one's problems. The real problem? The need to evacuate everything ever eaten.

Remembering that crayon I ate in second grade? That came out. Cheeseburger remains from a picnic July 4th, 1995--whoosh.

Then after spending a couple bowl filling hours, comes another thrilling part

It's enema time, Crotchety

just in case there is the tiniest bit of "stuff" still in the body.

Then comes the test itself. First, no need to study. The doctor put me to sleep. It was great, but then came my favorite part. When I woke up, I had uncontrolable gas. And the nurses encouraged me to let 'er rip.

After a lifetime of smothering "toots" in front of women, here were some women not only encouraging it, but congratulating me for it. Telling me it was ok, even a good thing.

And it doesn't get any better than that.

Good job, Crotchety

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Things I wonder about

Everyone knows I don't always think like the rest of youse.

For example, I just saw a commercial where they stated that 85% of people suffer with hemorhoids. Do the rest just enjoy them? Those are the types of things that I ponder.
Yes, I have a lot of free time think deep thoughts.

And that reminded me of my colonoscopy I had about a year or so ago. They had no idea what was wrong with me, I kept throwing up. So, one of the doctors got the idea to shove a camera attached to a 50 foot long cable up my butt. I would really like to know how they came up with that. I am far from an expert in the workings of the human body, but oy. Can you imagine that meeting?

Dr 1. Crotchety keeps throwing up.
Dr. 2. Did you give him any type of medicine?
Dr 1. Yes, and he just kept throwing up.
Dr 2. How about a blood transfusion?
Dr 1. Done. And he still keeps throwing up.
Dr 2. Hmmm. How much insurance does he have left?
Dr 1. 2 days.
Dr 2. Hmmm
Dr 1. Hmmm
Dr 2. Is that a new Nikon you have there?
Dr 1. Why yes it is, right next to the 50' spool of cable.
Dr 2. Let's put it up his butt and take pictures.
Dr 1. Ha ha ha.

The doctors did not find anything, I stopped throwing up, but I did have a really unusual Christmas card to send out that year.



Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

Country Name
conventional short form: Greenland

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