Thursday, April 23, 2009

Pull My Finger--The Joy of a Colonoscopy

A couple years ago I was in the hospital, and the doctors were stumped. I still had the same symptoms that I came in with, and my insurance was nearly expired. This called for drastic measures. And what could be more drastic than sticking a Kodak up my butt?

Allow me to walk you through a colonoscopy in case you have yet to experience the joys of one.

No solid food for 24 hours. Not a major deal breaker, just slightly uncomfortable, but since it is necessary to drink a gallon of this pineapple tasting glop, hunger is the least of one's problems. The real problem? The need to evacuate everything ever eaten.

Remembering that crayon I ate in second grade? That came out. Cheeseburger remains from a picnic July 4th, 1995--whoosh.

Then after spending a couple bowl filling hours, comes another thrilling part

It's enema time, Crotchety
just in case there is the tiniest bit of "stuff" still in the body.

Then comes the test itself. First, no need to study. The doctor put me to sleep. It was great, but then came my favorite part. When I woke up, I had uncontrolable gas. And the nurses encouraged me to let 'er rip.

After a lifetime of smothering "toots" in front of women, here were some women not only encouraging it, but congratulating me for it. Telling me it was ok, even a good thing.

And it doesn't get any better than that.
Good job, Crotchety


LL said...

Sounds like a great time was had by all...

Shawn said...

I guess you can put away that can of Spam.

A New Yorker said...

How apropos! As I sit here and toot myself! Note to self, gots ta stop eating bad foods if want successful dates. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing DOM!


Just loverly.


Unknown said...

They should have score cards and competitions in the recovery room.

An assless gown could be given as a prize.

Unknown said...

What's Shrek say, "better out than in"? :)

ReformingGeek said...

Well, I guess I won't be eating today...or at least within the next five minutes.


Joel Klebanoff said...

I feel your pain. No, really. I've had two so far and my doctor believes that, at my age, I should have one every five years. I should be due for another one soon. (My first colonoscopy was booked because of symptoms, not age.)

I was awake for both of mine. I was given a mild sedative, but not enough to put me to sleep. I spent the whole time watching the colon channel (my colon) on a screen that was perfectly visible to me.

Before my first colonoscopy, my GP said, "looking at the screen, you'll know if you have polyps." Why he thought that is beyond me. Everything about my colon looked foreign and malignant to me. Fortunately, I was wrong about that.

DouglasDyer said...

My Mom convinced me that getting my tonsils out would be great since afterwards I could eat all the ice cream I wanted. Now you're telling me I can fart in front of hot nurses all day if I just get a colonoscopy? Your generation is a wily one, my friend.

Crabby Blogging Lady said...

There are days when the agonies of childbirth seem so paltry in comparison....

Secondary Roads said...

Been there. Done that. Got the tee shirt. Another good thing -- no-chunk toots.

Jude said...

That was funny, but it wasn't so funny when I went through it with Bill, I felt so sorry for him and he kept apologizing for all the gas like I really cared, go figure.

Anonymous said...

Believe me, there are people who would pay good money to do that.

Sandee said...

I just had one about a month ago. You are telling it like it is. That was the first question the nurse asked when I woke up. Are you letting the gas out? Yep, I am says I. You forgot to mention that that gas doesn't stink! Just saying.

It's a thrill a minute isn't it? Bwahahahaha. I'm not doing it again for another five years either.

Have a terrific day Crotchety. :)

Da Old Man said...

@ LL: It was a party

@ Shawn: It's gone

@ Lauren: Gas can be fun. The cats look at you funny, though

@ Quirky: Glad you liked it

@ Dizz: That is a good idea.

@ Jenn: And Shrek is the one to quote about such matters.

@ Reforming: I'm here to help

@ Joel: I was out and darn glad to be.

@ Douglas: Yes, we are.

@ Crabby: So true.

@ Secondary: Oh yeah, nice and clean

@ Jude: The gas is the fun part

@ Tiggy: I know. And I did.

@ Sandee: It doesn't smell, which was bad. My toots don't smell bad to begin with, sort of flowery.

Anne said...

My husband is scheduled for this on Tuesday. I will forward your post to him so he can read the joys for himself. Although I am not sure I am going to let him back in the house until the gas is gone.

Unknown said...

thank goodness you were put to sleep!

Donnie said...

I thought it was the drugs they gave you that was the most fun. Hell, I had no idea they encouraged you to fart. Life just doesn't get any better. I'm going to get one soon. Just call me "ripper."

Lin said...

Oh, I had one of those a long time ago! I tooted all the way home. Thank goodness it didn't smell! Okay, you know what's worse than having this done? Doing the procedure! Can you imagine looking at everyone's hairy butts all day long?! Ick. There just isn't enough money in that for me.

Thinkinfyou said...

Did you make the nurses pull your finger?

RE Ausetkmt said...

Hey Why you only speak about the upper, old man you don't know anything;

I have crohns so I have the "duo"

yeah, Upper and Lower - and you think that you've had it.nawww, let em make you swallow it and you're awake to watch the monitor and tell them which photos to take. Oh Yeah, I have pics.the insurance company asks to many questions about meds, and bs so I got pics to send em each time they ask for something. and yes they are red, bloody and ugly so they work.

I've had to have them (colonoscopy and endoscopy) bi yearly for about the last 30 years. after two bouts of cancer and numerous diverticulitis and gastritis attacks; I appreciate the hands of a skilled anesthesist.

Ladies - not you old man; my doctor is so fine. damn - and he comes into the gi room, in his finest designer wear, and occasionally some really nice shoes. yeah the man dresses like a fashion model. he's gorgeous.this is no joke. my doctor is so fine, when I wake up he's always there to hold my hand, so if I meet Jesus on the other end - we know it was Mr Fine who sent me.

Heaven forbid he ever does..

damn crotchety you reminded me it's time for the scoping.oh well, guess I'll make that call so when I'm in for my apendectomy they can get me fully lubed, rote my rooter; rotate the tires and make sure I'm good for another 12 months.

you know how old cars are,, and as my hubby says - I'm a classic moneypit. LOL

Unknown said...

Oh yeah, you don't like spam about poop at all.

Me-Me King said...

Thank goodness everything came out okay. Just what color was that crayon (before and after)?

Mike said...

What they didn't tell you is that they had to put you to sleep because the camera was a full sized television camera.

When you poo is it now wider than it is long?

Unknown said...


Isn't that glop or whatever just horrible????

brokenteepee said...

The publicist says my goat gas is lethal....

Jen said...

I'm making the Universal signal for oversharing. Toot toot!

Joanie said...

I have to get a colonoscopy, so thanks for the heads up. My dad had colon rectal cancer and I'm over 50 now, so...
Did you get on the scale to see if you lost any weight?
My John could care less if I fart. He says he loves me farts and all! :) What a great guy!

Winky Twinky said...

Hey Crotchety... been there and done that too... though you DO tell it very well... I wasn't put "out" either..quite a show, isn't it? Anyway...thanks for give me more to consider for next time.....

Da Old Man said...

@ Anne: For some reason, the gas doesn't smell. It'll be ok.

@ Stacie: Nothing I wanted to see or feel.

@ Don: Rip away, my friend. It's a rare opportunity

@ Lin: Not my cup of tea, I know why those doctors make so much money.

@ Thinking: I asked, they didn't.

@ RE: They did both while I was out. I asked for copies for my Christmas card, but they wouldn't give it to me.

@ FishHawk: I live for it

@ Me-Me: Changed from red to brown

@ Mike: It wouldn't surprise me.

@ Sherry: It is so nasty.

@ Pricilla: Normally, Mrs asks me if a goat was just in the room. Mine is rather unpleasant, too.

@ Jen: Just trying to be helpful.

@ Joanie: I probably did. I don't remember. I was pretty sick. The colonoscopy was just a special treat, I guess.

@ Winky: Glad to help

SSQuo said...

Ha ha! So are you all set for the next one?

Anonymous said...

AND there is not the slightest concern about sharts.

David said...

I don't know how I managed to make that anonymous

Janna said...

I love happy endings!

I'm picturing rainbows and kittens and a thousand farts and the applause of a dozen nurses.

Now, of course, you have to eat another crayon to replace the one you pooped out.