Sunday, August 31, 2008

Men and Women Are Different. Seriously.

One of my buddies (rubba) told me his grandson is really into model trains. The little guy just turned 3, so you know he's curious, and into everything.

He was playing with his trains with grandpa, and rubba warned him to not touch the track.


So, he licked the track. Photobucket Naturally, he got a shock. I hear this, and got the same reaction rubba had~~hysterical laughter.

When Mrs. Crotchety heard, she became upset.

And this describes how we view nearly everything. Shows like America's Home Videos, ( Country Fried Home Videos for my Arkie friends,) where at least once per show, someone gets either a whack in the naughty bits or there is some other potentially injurous event. I'm rolling, and the Mrs. worries. "Look at that poor man," she'll say. Of course, I can barely hear her because I'm laughing so loudly.

And it's the same with sitcoms and all the cartoons I watch. She focuses on the injuries (trust me, Peter Griffin and Spongebob are fine) and misses the hilarity of injuries, real or fake.


It's not that she can't suspend belief. She's a huge Tarantino fan, and the bloodier the movie, the more she likes it. Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, any one of them, she'll watch and barely a flinch.

But have a guy stick a screwdriver in a socket, and she gets upset.

They Always get hit in the Naughty Bits at

My Sparkling Personality Will Live On

You may have heard the old country and western song, "I'm just an old lump of coal, but I'm going to be a diamond one day."

All C&W songs are prety much the same; drinking, horses, trucks, cheating spouses. You know, real downer stuff. This one is a little bit different. It's pretty much a song of hope.

Did you know that a few companies exist that can turn you into a diamond? This technology has been around for a while, and Lifegem in Chicago can turn you, or your pet, into a diamond, and then set it in jewelry after you pass on.


I dunno, I find this just a bit creepy. I miss my dog Butkus like crazy, but I don't know if I'd want him on my finger. And forget family members. That is even more strange. I mean, I like Mrs. Crotchety a lot, but if something happended to her, I'm not turning her into a tennis bracelet.

But I'm pretty sure, she'll do that to me, and I don't know how I'll feel about it. She's already asked me if I want to be cremated or buried, and I've always said, "Surprise me."

I don't think I'd mind if she turned me into a ring, and she wore me, but what if she needed some quick cash after a bad run at poker? I could wind up in a pawn shop, and next thing you know, I'm on the finger of some drunken tranvestite pole dancer in Atlantic City.


The Best Pole Dancers are at

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Time for Some Politics

I try to remain apolitical. Sure, I do rant from time to time about issues, but as far as choices, I don't push an agenda for a few reasons.

I've been involved in politics for many years, and I have learned that most folks have their minds made up long before any issues are even discussed.

Yesterday, on the heels of the Democratic National Convention, Republican candidate John McCain announced his running mate, Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska. Naturally, the blogosphere is exploding with opinions of this choice.

I enjoy reading opinions, even if I don't agree with them.

But damn, nothing drives me more crazy than really stupid opinions.

I know opinions are like Photobucket.

Everyone has one, and most of them stink.

Anyway, the discussion was about the choice by McCain. And here's the way it went. I swear I'm not making this up.

Them: "I disagree with the choice."

Me: "Why."

Them: "I don't know who she is."

Me: "She is very popular in her state."

Them: "She can't be that popular because I never heard of her."

OK, quickly. How many state governors can you name?

That's right, all but the most politically astute can name maybe 2 or 3 state governors. Yet, her not being well known means what? The middle of a donut.

Then, here's where it gets good, women started indicating she can't be pro family values and hold a job.

How friggin' 1950's.

My mother raised 2 kids while running a business with my father. (how well we turned out is still up for debate, though my sister and I have both managed to stay felony free, have college degrees, and raised families of our own. I'd say mission accomplished.)

My sister is raising a kid while working full-time. Hell, most women with families that I know work full time. That family values argument is so much BS.

Lastly, one woman (I swear these are women living in 2008) was concerned about Ms. Palin's child who has Down's. Talk about intrusive. Photobucket

Have women become such lemmings that they don't think they are capable of deciding what is best for one's own family? Can't they recognize a strong woman? Can't they have faith in a person to know what is best?

I'm not a huge McCain fan, and I really dislike Obama. But damn, I think I don't think I ever admired a public person more than:


Hubba Hubba

If she plays her cards right, she could become the official crush of this blog, replacing Martha Stewart.

They Vote Early and Vote Often at

Friday, August 29, 2008

And the Winner Is

Wow! Over 30 captions. Youse are making it difficult on the judges. You can't imagine how much Diet Dr. Pepper was spit up while they read some of them. The concensus is that most of the participants are hysterically funny, and a few are in need of serious help such as rubba.

Again, the judges spread around the first place votes as Lauren, Middle Aged Fat Woman, Dani, Don, The Hawg, and Rubba each got one 1st place vote. Multiple points were also amassed by Etta, Kate, Jena, and the Offended Blogger.

Bu the winner, and the one with the most first place votes, and total points was

"When a Fruit of the Loom goes bad"

by Chat Blanc.

She wins this lovely award, and some entrecard credits, now that my account is working again.


Second place goes to Dani, and 3rd place is a tie between the Hawg and The Middle Aged Fat Woman.

Also, special props to Bill. Some of the judges felt he really classed up the contest by working in the word "thus."

Congrats to the winners.

Also, Susan at
A very talented artist
Mike at
each awarded the


In a blatant act of little more than nepotism, I am passing this along to Nicole at

She is the Fruit of my Looms, and her blog is chock full of celebrity gossip.

They appear in the pictures that get captioned at:

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Saved at the Bell

I had nothing tonight. So, because I read so many blogs, I've made a bunch of blogging buddies. One of these is Christina (Harley Blues) from
She is a huge Beatles fan. That doesn't even begin to describe her. She is such an uber fan she has been interviewed by Rolling Stone concerning one of her trips in which she saw Sir Paul McCartney.

I wanted to let everyone know about her great blogs. I enjoy reading them, as she mixes some opinion pieces in with her Beatles stories. When you go to check it out, scroll down the left hand side to read about her interview from 2005.

Harley got me thinking about the Beatles. I remember when they first came to America and appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.


For youse younguns, Ed Sullivan was the equivalent of... nothing today is like Ed Sullivan was. Think Geraldo, combined with Letterman, and Leno, and maybe you have the impact of Sullivan. He owned Sunday night. Everyone watched Ed.

Anyway, the Beatles landed in New York, and Beatlemania swept the USA.

I never saw the Beatles in person, but I did see the tribute to them (Beatlemania) on Broadway. It might have been at the at the Wintergarden Theater. It was back in the 80's so I don't remember the theater, just that it was blistering hot inside, and I fell asleep.

But what I remembered was pretty good. It was an attempt to relive the years gone by, as they had a screen in the background flashing some of the important events that took place during the time the Beatles took over the music world. And, the artists performing were excellent.

I'm not going to tell you all the stats, how many records sold, how many gold records, etc. I'll leave that up to an expert like Harley. But I will tell you, Rocky Raccoon (from the White Album) would be on my list of records I'd need with me if I were ever marooned on a desert island.
Rock on!

They all live in a yellow submarine at

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Caption This; All this fun, and prizes, too.


Contest ends noon Thursday EST.

The Funniest Captions Come from

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Crotchety 1 Telemarketers 0

I bought a timeshare in the last few months, which means every day I get a phone call asking if I’d like to sell it or buy more. And I can tell it’s the timeshare people because I have caller ID, and it’s always from a company like SwamplandinFlorida4U or EarfquakefreeCaliforniadeals. By the way, my timeshare is in NJ. Yeah, whenever I want to get away from the mundane in NJ, I just head to my timeshare unit in another part of NJ.

Don’t ask.


My beach house

The calls themselves are pretty funny. Nearly every one goes the same way.

“Hello, is this Mr. Frances?”


“Hello, Mr. Frances, would you like to sell your timeshare if I could guarantee you a nice profit?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“But I can guarantee you a good profit.”

“I’m not interested.“

“Would you like to buy more time, then?”

And this is the conversation that takes place every day except Sunday. Most days, it happens twice.

Now, most people would not find this conversation all that funny. I do. Reason number one, I suppose is because no one here is named Mr. or Mrs. Frances. Mrs. Crotchety’s first name is Frances, and apparently every single timeshare company employee can not read a name off a deed. I find it hilarious that among the dozens of different callers, not one has gotten our name order correct.

Until today.

Phone rings, and I didn’t answer it, as I was napping (old people nap a lot.) A minute later, phone rings again. This time I picked it up because well, my nap was already interrupted.

“Hello, is Joseph there?” Already, I realized that I may be facing the smartest telemarketer ever. I was on full alert.

“Yes, it’s me. What do you want?” I asked craftily.

“I’m returning your call.” Hmm. A new tact. I’m impressed.

“I never called you,” I countered, weakly.

“Sure, I called and left you a message, and you are returning my call.” Wow, this one is good. I clutch my checkbook more tightly. A slight sweat formed on my brow.

Quick check, and I realized she didn’t leave a message, and and she had almost convinced me that I just called her . Diabolical. She is trying to take advantage of my addled brain. But I was at the top of my game.

“No, I didn’t.” My quick wit was really kicking in, obviously.

“No, you called me,” Sally asserted. Sally was the smartest and most devious telemarketer ever. I was so impressed.

Finally, I reached down deep, and came up with the ultimate reply.

“No, I didn’t call you.”

She was beaten. I could hear the unhappiness in her voice when she realized she had tangled with the world’s greatest destroyer of telemarketers.

In a voice with just a tinge of meekness, she whispered, “Would you like to sell your timeshare if I could guarantee you a good price?”


Monday, August 25, 2008

Important update

Today's post is down one spot. But, I was challenged by the Offended Blogger to write an offensive post using only smilies. You can see it here:

My blog is rated PG, at worst. So, she posted it on her's. I can assure you it is highly offensive, and probably shouldn't be read by anyone. But, it is funny since it is all smilies.

Back to School

Ok, I was just thinking about school. It's that time of year. I spent my first nine years in Catholic grammar school, which explains my fear of penguins.


Sister Mashed Potatoes

From there I went to a high school run by the Brothers of the Good Death, St. Rocko's High School.

I was thinking back to my first day. We got a tour of the school. I'll give you the tour I pretty much got. Over there is the main building. You won't be there. You'll be in the Annex, aptly named because well, it was some WWII era building, and they had to name it something. Unless, of course, you have a class in the barn. Named so because, well, you can figure that one out. (Ed. Note No, this wasn't in some rural region in Kansas, this was in Central New Jersey in the mid to late 20th Century. Go figure.)

There you have your soccer fields, the cemetery, the track, the.....wait a minute, did he just say cemetery? Yeah, my high school had its own cemetery. Right on the friggin campus. Just for the school. So, when one of the Battling Brothers met his ultimate reward, he became a permanent part of the campus. Even a few of the lay teachers were planted there, too. St. Rocko's was like the Mafia of high schools, you could never leave.

Did I mention that corporal punishment was not only allowed; it was almost expected and encouraged at St. Rocko's, right? We had a Dean of Discipline, and an Assistant Dean of Discipline, just in case the Dean was feeling good. There was an entire hierarchy of Disciplinarians, in fact.Photobucket

One of the older teachers, Brother Artifact, I believe, used to roam the school with something called the Whumper. No one was sure exactly what it was, speculation ranged from a blackjack to a bag of nickels, to a shilelagh. We never found out, but nearly every student at one time or another felt the effects of the Whumper on our legs, or backs, or arms. Photobucket

Brother Knuckles routinely used to offer to box students 2 at a time to even up the odds. No one dared accept his challenges, either. Occasionally, he would work over a random senior to stay in shape.

And detention. Punks today have it easy. We worked in the fields or the gardens, anywhere the Brothers decided landscaping or crop rotation was needed.

Yeah, I miss those days.

Disclaimer: Every word is more or less true, but the names have been changed to protect the author. He still lives within an all too short driving distance of St Rocko's.

They aren't afraid to go back to school at:

Update: Still waiting on entrecard techs to figure out why I can't sign in.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Feeling Squirrelly

A few days ago, my buddy, Jenn, warned everyone about the terrifying black behometh panther squirrels of Toronto.

I was duly afraid, but the Crotchety Old Lady and I have been dealing with vicious NJ squirrels for quite a few years. I’ll get back to her battles with NJ’s version of Sciurus carolinensis (yeah, I looked it up) in a while, but in the meantime, my friend Freddy from has a squirrel living in his back yard named Zippy.

New Jersey squirrels may not appear as vicious as their Canadian cousins, but they are tough. Lotsa tough. Here is a rare photo of one of the dreaded “Hoodlum Squirrels of NJ.”


These squirrels have alleged ties to organized crime, and are skilled in the use of weapons.


The Crotchety Old Lady has complained more than once that these criminal rodents toss their nuts in her direction.


No, stop that


Squirrel WMD --Weapon of Minor Destruction

My greatest fear, obviously, is if these Toronto squirrels ever cross paths with NJ ones. Will it be a scene out of the Godfather, as the NJ squirrel strangles a Toronto one and then hides the body in the Meadowlands, or more a dance off ala West Side Story?

What really strikes fear in our collective hearts would be if the Toronto squirrels make a love connection with the NJ ones. Imagine the kids:


We keep our nuts at:

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

The Brady Bunch went off the air in 1974, that's 34 years ago.

Yet, it seems, every where I look on TV the last few months, and all I see are those darn Brady kids all over the place.

Last night it was little Cindy (never would have picked her to turn out so good looking) on some Comedy Central show getting shot with an air gun. Last season, it was Peter on some stupid reality show. Greg, when he isn't doing something stupid like boxing Danny Bonaduce, just makes guest appearances.

But Marcia has become a reality show star. Is someone a star if they only appear on CMT?

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Last year, she was in Gone Country. It was a show where she, along with several other celebrities, attempted to break into the country music business. Big time country star Rich (John, Bob, Richie--who knows) presented a number of challenges, and eventually one of the celebrities received an opportunity to try to become a country star. Maureen lost. Rather than go away, she is back this season with a new show, Outsider's Inn. The hokey premise is she runs a bed and breakfast in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Or is it the Smokey Mountains? Does it matter?


Yeah, that's her and her helpers, Bobby Brown and Carnie Wilson.

The producers admit that some of the show is done for effect, so, what's the point? I have no idea. It's a partially scripted reality show.


But I'm in a goofy mood. Ok, more than usual.

Check out this quick video of the World's Strongest Redneck.

Rednecks aren't like the rest of us.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Contest winner; Weekly wrap up

The judges had more trouble with this contest than any to date. Quotes like "This is so tough."

Believe it or not, no two judges picked the same first place caption. The Fly, Scam, Dana, Matt, Rubba, Shadow, Jenn, Gumby, and Scott each received first place votes. So, once again, I had to use the CWVTMORNGAWBSMECWS (TM) system. And the staff of Crochety Old Man World Wide Interplanetary Headquarters and Discount House of Worship has spoken. Well, voted anyway.

Even though they didn't place, or receive any first place votes, multiple points were received by Brazen, Tiggy, Orion, Chica, and LiveLife. So many others received single votes, and I'm too lazy to type them all.

And the winner, due to a combination of a first place vote and numerous place votes is

Unable to come to terms with her jealousy of her prettier and more popular older sister Marcia, Jan Brady's already unhappy life took a turn for the worse.

By Gumby the Cat

He is the winner of the pretigious Zucchini Award, and will have his blog displayed in a position of honor.


Second place goes to Dana, and The Fly takes a very close third. Jenn was just out of the running placing 4th.

Congratulations to all.

Faithful readers will note that since I decided to not blog every day, I have, of course, blogged every day. I'm not sure if that means I lack committment, or am too committed, or should be committed. Any way you look at it, I have committment issues.

I'm waiting to get follow up from entrecard. Someone named Ben sent me a note many hours ago, saying he would look into it. Who knows when anything will get resolved.

Damn techno geeks


Find the FunnyAt:

Thursday, August 21, 2008

What's the Next Step?

Yeah, I know. I said I wasn't going to blog on Thursdays. Oh well. Stuff happens.
By the way, the contest is almost over, and some of the judges are having major problems. It seems they have laughed their asses off, and that is creating quite the dilemma for them.

But they are tough, that is why they are judges here.

Anyway, today, I have had technological problems. And I am pissed. Usually, I am so darned mellow. (snickers)
Don't tell the Crotchety Old Lady but a few years ago, when my computer had "technological problems," and the front panel fell "mysteriously" off it, well, let's just say computers are sissies. They can't take a punch.


No, I didn't use a stick or anything, I gave it a good left jab. The front panel sorta smashed in, and the stoopid computer went flying.

I taught technology a lesson that day. And within a week, or so, that computer was totally trashed, and recycled into something like plastic hangers or another equally perfect use for recycled technology.


Caveman 1
Technolgy 0

Captain caveman

So, this morning, as always, I went to sign in to my entrecard account. And, it won't let me.

Naturally I did what any calm, rational person would do. I yelled at the computer for a while. That didn't help. Then I went about my business away from the computer.


I came back, and it still didn't work.

I reset my password, sent a note to the dorks at entrecard, and took a nap.

Woke up to no reply from them. So, again, I tried to reset password, and still got the message password is incorrect. What to do, what to do?

I had a peanut butter and tomato sandwich (don't knock it until you try it. It is my contribution to the gastronomic universe. Yer welcome.) I tried again, and still nothing.

Now, this is where I start to get, oh, peeved.

Apparently, I can get my question answered quickly if I ask on the forum for questions. I can get help, too. How do I access the forum?

That's right. I have to sign in. To. The. Account. That. Won't. Let. Me. In.


I hate technology.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Caption This Win Craptastic Prizes


Contest ends 6:00 p.m. Thursday EST

They Are Too Cool For back to School at:

Monday, August 18, 2008

You May have Noticed

I haven't posted today. I usually post every day around midnight. I'm trying something new. I call it "The Grand Experiment" because I'm occasionally given to hyperbole.

Really, all it is, I have decided to post on a different schedule. Mondays, Wednesdays, because my "Caption This" has become the talk of the internet, (ed note: The doctor is well aware that Joe is delusional. We find it best to play along) Fridays and Saturdays. I'll be blogging every day on either my Yankees/sports blog, my diabetic blog/my food blog, but I wanted to try to make each a little more interactive.

Don't expect any change in quality. Oh no.

Do you think I'll be any better because I write less?

No, it's going to be as poorly done as ever.

But, by me shutting up a couple days a week, you get a chance to react to my posts. Leave comments without them getting buried under the veritable onslaught of my daily posts.

Speaking of buried, don't for a second think that I have run out of material. Oh, no way, Jose. Or Bob, or {insert your name here} I have not even scratched the surface of the crap in my head. I went to a high school that had its own cemetery. That's something not every 8th grader gets on a tour of the average high school.

I applied for a job, and the job interview ended when I asked, "You're not talking about sailors, are you?" That's an interesting story, I kid you not.

I plan to reveal even more of the phony names I have used in my life. Joey One Testicle is just one of many. I will even reveal Joey One Testicle's real name. Some of you who paid attention may remember One Testicle is just the translation for the phony dirty name I use.

Plenty of hi-jinks and unfunny humor ahead. And that's a promise. I can guarantee it.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Political Correctness Gone Stupid

I know my buddy, The Offended Blogger, usually handles all the offended posts, but she's busy and may miss this latest group of offended folks.

The "N" word. Oh my friggin gawd, don't say it unless you are a certain color, or else someone will feel terrible, and be highly offended.

But, of course, rappers can say it every other word, and it makes them millions. If it makes people feel badly, why should anyone say it? Furthermore, the word is rooted in hatred. Ok, I'm down with not saying it.

For that matter, it seems everyone takes license to poke fun at any group, if they are a member of that group. I mean, is it right to chuckle at one testicled men with pus oozing from their leg even if a member of that elite group? Just sayin'

Never refer to someone as handicapped or crippled, because it will offend them to no end.


Yeah, I'm sure the disabled feel so much better when you descrbe them as a person with a disability rather than refering to them as "those crippled guys." Yeah, makes them want to friggin dance. Oops, sorry about that. You know what I mean.

What's the newest term?

The "R" word.

Oh, yeah. The new movie Tropic Thunder has received protests, both in letter and actual marchers who are urging boycotts because the movie refers to people as retards.

Ok, this is my line in the sand. Photobucket

No, not because I think we should bandy about the word retard, but because of the stupidity of getting offended by this word.

First, where did the word come from? It was a replacement for clinically issued words that were used early in the 20th century.

Get yourself some psychology diagnosis terminology books from the last century and prepare to be surprised. I worked in the mental health field (hard to believe, huh?) and a typical diagnosis would read, and I'm not making this up "Sally is an idiot, but with proper training may one day become a moron."

Obviously, the words changed in meaning as they entered the lexicon of the average American.

So has the word retard. In fact, most mental health agencies use a different terminology when describing their clients. It ranges from cognitively disabled to people with intellectual disabilities to mentally challenged, and numerous names in between.

So, in essence, my question is this: If it's a word they don't use, then why do they protest?

It just looks to me like they are seeking to be offended. And that, to me, is plain retarded.

Find the Funny At:

The Least Boring Awards Post Ever

You know how awards posts are so boring? Yeah, me too. But the reason for them, at least in my mind, is to thank my peers who accepted bribes thought enough of my often
pathetic attempts at whatever the hell it is I'm trying to do here. Plus, I'll introduce some of the members of the oft mentioned staff of Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship.
First, the awards:


Blogging Friends Forever

was awarded to me by lauren of Can You be a part of my Life
Always interesting, and well thought out opinions. A good read.

This award comes with a lot of responsibility. Just the name of the award is suggesting whoever gets it will be my blogging buddy forever. So, if I get drunk, and the Crotchety Old Lady throws me out into the night, shouldn't the recipient be obligated to put me up for a couple days? I would think so. And, if I need to borrow $100 in a few months, my BFF would probably feel an obligation to drop the money in the mail.

But upon further reflection, that would be just too much to ask. So, I would like to, in advance, relieve those presented of any further responsibility. Just take the award in the spirit given, smile for the camera, and go on living la vida loca.

My first choice is my blogging buddy Jenn from of Cabbages and Kings. She has helped me enormously with my blog, and I am in her debt.

Next is my blogging buddy Claire from A Little Piece of Me
She is right there when I have a technical problem. Generally, she laughs at me, but does help me eventually.

Drowsey Monkey also gets an award because she is very helpful when I run into technical problems. As you can tell, I run into a lot of technical problems. She laughs at my problems, but I'm sure it's a language thing. You know how those Canadians are with all those extra "U"s floating around.

Lastly, I'd like to give this award to That Tears It

Lately, he has noted a dearth of things feminine in his life, so I thought I should give him this, the girliest of all awards. Plus, when he stops by, he can take a peak at some of the best blogs written by women. (his co-winners)
I'd hate to see him hanging curtains and putting doilies everywhere. Plus I'm not exactly sure what a doily is. Mrs. Crotchety says she likes them, so I'm sure they have to be bad to have around.

The next award


KickAss blogger

was from Flower Girl at The Garden of the Flower Girl

I'm going to award this to Chelle, the Offended Blogger at
I really need to suck up to her, because she's in charge of the humorbloggers site, and I'm barely qualified. She is taking 50 bloggers, and I'm positive if she drops to 49, I'm so gone.

Ryan, from the Downloadable Ryan Garns
gave me


I'd like to award this to Don from It's a Funny Thing

He's running for President, and could use the support.

And the last award is the Arte y Pico

from Bridget the Get Smart Gal at
Her specialities include: Finance, Marketing, Business Buidling, & Telling People What To Do.

I'd like to award this to The Fly at After Dinner Mint.

He is witty and creative.

Now, you rules stickler types may have noticed I have not followed them exactly. I realize this. But I also realize that eventually every blog will be linked to Kevin Bacon or something like that unless we limit things. So, rather than join the Arte Y Pico Must Die movement, I've just decided to limit everything.

You are welcome.

Winners may share with up to 5 others.

Lastly, as promised, I'd like to introduce you to the staff.
There's Rubba, he heads up our photoshopping department
We have the two Donnas. They form the powerful Donna voting bloc when judging the "Caption This" series.
Bchbear is in charge of judging. He likes to play Paula when we judge.
Nicole, who is vice president of operations.
Michiganderlady runs the mail room.
Arti helps in the photoshopping department.
Tammy, head of security, canine division.
And Mrs. Crotchety, catering.

It takes a lot of people to keep a blog going.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Just in case you were wondering

I'm trying to think of something to write about today. So, I decided to look at the weird news listings for inspiration.

I googled Weird News, and what comes up? And I quote "Weird News--Strange Stories from Around the Globe, Bondage File..."

I could not click on that link fast enough.

Surprisingly, it was just regular weird stories, and to be honest, they were not that weird. And, it was bondage free.

I hate when that happens, too

While discussing weird things, I like bacon as much as the next guy but

photo from

That's even a bit bizarre for me, and it's been suggested that I eat some weird things.

Lastly, I leave you with the Joey One Testicle Update:

He has been averaging one offer per day for a date.

He's doing much better than I ever did.

For Joey


For the best in fresh baked humor:

Friday, August 15, 2008

Friday Wrap Up

As you may have noticed, I've been pimping for the last week or so. It's official launch day is today. You'll find links all around my blog for it. Now, keep in mind two things:
first, it will get better and better, and
second, nothing to join right now, just go and enjoy it.

Just make sure you come back, because I'll miss you while you're gone.


You'll also notice that this highly exclusive group of humor bloggers is composed of many of my blog rollists (ers?) That's because I begged them to be my friends and let me list them they like me. They really like me.

I'm pretty sure that was a different speech. Deal with it.

Next, because I give and give, I'd like to mention my favorite site for the blogging community. is a great place if you are a blogger, want to be a blogger, know a blogger, wonder why I keep saying blogger, or any other of the million and one questions you may have about blogging. It's a great group of tens of thousands of my dearest friends that I couldn't pick out of a police lineup, and heaven knows half of them will be in one at some time in their lives.

Lastly, I probably won't be around one day next week. I just got an email about a new diet product that claims I can "cleanse" myself and lose 50 lbs in one day. I have to decide which day I plan to spend in the bathroom "cleansing."

All the funny happens at

Coming soon: More Awards; Bribery Pays Off

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Caption This Winner Announced--Blogosphere Rejoices

The staff of Crochety Old Man World Wide Interplanetary Headquarters and Discount House of Worship has chosen the winner of this week's "Caption This Olympic Edition."

Originally, it was going to be the Special Olympic Edition but we are nothing if not politically sensitive.

Anyway, to get right to the voting. As usual, most of the staff is named Donna, and surprisingly, all Donnas voted identically. If McCain or Obama were to find out the importance of the Donna factor in the vote, I'm sure they would change their campaign strategies immediately.
This week, again, the vote wasthisclose, as The Hypocritical One and The Middle Aged Fat Women each garnered an identical number of first place votes. Shyne and Momjeans also picked up first place votes.
So, once again, we had to implement the equivalent of boxing's 10 point must system, known as the "Crotchety Weighted Voting Tabulation Method Or We'll Never Get A Winner Because So Many Excellent Captions Were Submitted," or the CWVTMORNGAWBSMECWS (TM) system.

So, I am pleased to present the nearly famous Zucchini Award for Captioning Excellence to

Drum Roll Please

Middle Aged Fat Woman

With the caption:

New Olympic Event
Synchronized Panda Bottle Feeding


In the closest contest imaginable, the Hypocritical One came in second, and Momjeans took third.

Each gets a trophy.

And just one point out of the Zucchini was The Fly.

Shyne, Gumby, Chica, Adullamite, and Lot2Learn also scored multiple points.

Thank you everyone for making this the best Caption This contest to date.

World's Funniest Grand Opening Tomorrow

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

"Caption This" Wednesday Olympic Edition


All the Cool kids are at

Grand Opening this week

Monday, August 11, 2008

I See you

You do realize that with all the various widgets and tracking stuff on this blog, I can see everything and know everything about you. Oh yeah. Everything you do online is recorded, analyzed, and this information could then be sold to Nigerian thieving scammer bastages goat herders.

Don’t ask, don’t tell

But I don’t do that. No siree. I just study all the information gathered, and use it to make my blog even better for you. Youse all know me. I just give and give.

By now, you are probably wondering why I have called you all here today.

I need help.


I was looking at my spam folder, and I was concerned. Apparently, I've won many, many new computers, along with, at last count, $53,000 from WalMart in gift certificates. Of course, I plan to use my certificates to buy Strawberry PopTarts and a boat. So, should I sell all these computers and PopTarts, or keep them for future use? If I sell them, should I bundle them? How great a package is a computer with a couple boxes of PopTarts? If anyone is looking to open up an internet cafe, I'm your guy, by the way. I can set you right up. I can also help you pick out a toaster as I have vast toasting experience. The coffee, you're on your own.


But here's where I am truly concerned. I use a phony name when filling out online things.

Now, I am starting to get unsolicitated mail to this phony name. Big deal, you say. But I can assure you it is hysterically funny. The name I have used is an off color slang term in another language.

Lots of women, apparently, are interested in meeting up with Joey One Testicle. Who knew?


Coming tomorrow: Wednesday's super spectacular "Caption This"

All the cool kids like to visit