Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Newscasters are morons


We had a major blizzard in this area, between 20 and 30 inches of snow, and drifting.

The news reporters went batshit crazy, as if we had neither windows nor doors to go outside and see for ourselves. Reporters were all over the streets while telling us not to go out. It's not enough to say the streets aren't plowed, we need to be shown. After all, unplowed Elm St in Elizabeth looks so much different than unplowed Hamilton St. in Elizabeth, NJ.

Damn, I need a font for sarcasm.

And, by the way, Mrs. C wants a new shovel, which I'll buy for her. God, I'm so good to that woman.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Global warming, my butt

We got snow up to my naughty bits, and with wind chill, it's single digits.

The 2 coldest months are ahead of us.

I want to kick Al Gore in the 'nads..

A belated Happy Boxing Day, whatever that is. Hey, it's on my calender.

But it was my nephew's birthday. I chose to celebrate that.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas From the Crotchety Family and our watchdog Pepper.

Pepper is a beloved family member of my friend Sweetneas, and photo is borrowed from her.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Eve

Most of my grinchiness is gone. Thanks to readers/friends The Middle Aged Fat Woman,(read her blog) and Lisa I am having a very nice Xmas. Even though they say Xmas is the season of giving, I like getting a lot.

I probably won't be back until Monday, but I left a present for youse tomorrow.

Which Shake Weight ad is funnier? (sorry I forgot how to make these thing clickable.)



Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Spirit Returns

Mrs. C was driving me around and we saw a house so beautifully decorated it brought about the Holiday spirit in me.

They had one of those wire reindeer, a plastic snowman, and a cow.

It doesn't get any better.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Starve a cold, feed a hallucination

Or something like that.

I was in pain the other day, so I took the pain patch that I haven't used in about a month. I also took some Oxycodone before going to sleep. That night I had so many hallucinations and nightmares. There were people in the room, and, of course, I hallucinated that I pooped in my bed and it was alive. Some of you may remember my hallucinations in the hospital involved pooping Mardi Gras beads. Why do my hallucinations always seem to involve poop? I guess that is for my psychiatrist to figure out.

Which reminds me, in the hospital they took several x-rays of my butt. I asked them to let me know what they found up there because I'm missing some stuff.

They didn't find anything so I received a couple enemas and some prune juice.

Happy times!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A very happy Sunday to youse

It's raining, damp, and cold, yet I feel good. It's probably the Celexa. :)

I'm not going to post the poll, but I'm sure it will run along gender lines. Since more women than men read this, Mrs. C. won the debate. I'm Celexahappy about that.

Also, I found a package of chocolate Twizzlers that she had hidden, which also cheers me up.

On to another subject.

"The boys" were sore. I spent 6 hours in a vinyl chair, and I use a slide board to transfer. A slide board is a 30" by 6" board that I use to go into my chair, go in the car, go on the potty, etc. When "the boys" are sore, youse can imagine the pain.
I called my friend, Freddie, and asked him if he had any ideas. He said to spray them with Pledge.

Said they would be slippery. I thought that made sense.

I sprayed and the pain was incredible!!!

I buffed for a half hour so now they are sore, itchy, and shiny.

But on the bright side, they are lemony fresh.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Now, for something completely different

Instead of my usual bitching this will be different. Yeah, it was a crappy day, so let's talk about something everybody likes--commercials.

Some of youse may know that on a cruise years ago, in a trivia contest about commercials I tied an advertising exec in knowledge of commercials. I won when I anwered a general trivia question. (What is lighter than air, yet can sink a ship? I'll give the answer tomorrow if no noe can guess correctly, but I'm positive one or more of you will.)

Anyway, three commercials truly make me smile every time they come on.

Garth Jr. rocks!!! What's not to like about a 10 year old Viking with a beard? Absolutely hilarious!!!

#2 How can anyone not crack up when they see Peggy from Discover commercials. Peggy is the greatest customer service person ever.

#3 The girl who sings Hyundai carols is so cute and sings like an angel. I get tired of every diva belting out tunes with such a boomig voice that they turn jingle bells into opera.

You miss a lot by not watching TV. I'm sure most are on youtube though, Sandee.

If I can remember, how to do surveys, soon, hopefully tomorrow there will be a survey here on the blog that I hope everyone will participate in. It's about some issue that is currently causing major strife in Casa Crotchety. As usual it is all my fault, alledgedly.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

As hard as I try

no matter how pleasnt my day has been, somebody manages to piss me off.

Today Mrs. C and I went to a nice lunch with my friend MB and her Mom. Got my first Christmas gift. On the way home Mrs. C bought a hot chocolate from Mickey D's for me. Turned on the TV to catch some golf. Life couldn't be better.

Then the news came on.

Charles Rangel (D NY) -you can look up what he did if yer interested- was censured, which means a large percentage of the House agreed he acted inappropiately.

In his first interview with the NY press he stated, among other stuff, and I'm not making this up,
"I didn't have sex with cildren."

Let's build him a monument!!!

I didn't have sex with children either, so make it 2 monuments.

Mine should be with an automatic spray system to wash off the bird doody.

And just in case you were wondering, when some of his illiterate, moronic faithful constituents said they would vote for him again because he had robbed done so much for them.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

More humbuggery

Holy crap!

Did youse see the price of a tree in Manhatten? 900 bucks. Yes, you read that correctly. Some moronswealthy folks are paying that much for a tree. The same tree in places like NJ, or Brooklyn would cost $150.

Bah Humbug!
Happy Hannakah! Youse guys need 8 days of presents.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Bah, Humbug

Black Friday, Buy More Stuff Saturday, then Cyber Monday. Christmas sales, songs and decorations for the last 2 weeks. I'm already Christmased out.

I declare today Bah Humbug Tuesday! No shopping, no carols, and no damn gingerbread!

If gingerbread were any good, wouldn't we have it all year? Maybe it's like turkey, many people only have it once a year.

Well, anyway, have a nice day.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Shouldn't you be eating turkey with the family?

Shouldn't you be preparing for Black Friday?

I can't believe you're here. I guess I should feel honored that you decided to spend this small part of this Holiday with me. I am, thank you very much to each and every one. I am especially thankful for the many kind readers who called me when I was in the hospital and rehab. It was a long 15 months, and your calls made it tolerable. I ever you find yourself in the same situation (hopefully never) I'll do my best to return your kindness.

Enjoy the Holiday.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It's the most wonderful time of the year

The Victoria's Secret Holiday catalog came in today. When Mrs. C accused me of ogling beautiful women I assured her I was simply imaging what she looked like in those outfits.

She didn't buy it either.

The other day I was watching a football game, and a few people were praying.Did they really think that their deity would control the outcome of a game? I'd like to think that God has better things to do.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Anniversary went well.

Got the Mrs. a dozen red roses ( how did I let the saleschick talk me into that, when a couple posies would have been fine) and had an awesome pizza for our romantic dinner.

By the way, I started to answer your comments.

Got to go. Physical therapist is here.


Monday, November 22, 2010

That's amore

Well, I forgot Mrs. C's anniversary was today. A major ooops. What could I buy her now that is so kickass she won't mind if it shows up a few days late?

I have $23.89. Any suggestions?

She already has a fairly new snow shovel, a new wooden spoon, and a perfectly good mop.

I'm going to get some glue and make her a macaroni card. That should be enough for today.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I forgot to tell youse yesterday that the doctor told me to take a test run with the Viagra. Take one, then sit for up to 4 hours observing my naughty bits. Sounds like pretty much a normal day for me, except that I'll be watching the Jets game at the same time. The ultimate multi-tasker, that's me.

I'm starting to try to write every day now.

This morning, I was watching my 40" TV (can you tell I love it) and the talking heads were discussing our PBS TV station. The begathons weren't really successful. That means most people don't want the station funded. So they'll use our tax dollars and make everyone fund it. I like PBS, and I fund it. But it's wrong to force me to. Bastages.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Went to the doctor today. Got some insulin for my sugar, and some Vigara for my honey.

Once in a while Mrs. C. does me a solid. While in the hospital our TV exploded, so she got me a 40" TV. Still won't let me date, though. You take the good with the bad.

Can't think of anything interesting to write, and while that never stopped me before, today I'm wrapping it up. Going out tonight with Mrs. C., The Pretty Young Nurse, and Mr. Mopey.

Catch youse tomorrow.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I'm a millionaire

I got a phone call today from scammers.

Love 'em love 'em love 'em

Here's a quick summary

He said I won 5 million bucks. I got all excited because these are my favorite scammers.

He explained it came from Obama himself. Of course I asked to meet him. Sadly, the President is too busy.

So I asked him to send the check right away as I could use some cash.

Then he explained about the $250, to cover the cost of the US Marshalls, and other incidentals.

I explained I'll pay on delivery, and include a big tip for the driver.

After going on like this for 5 minutes or more he put his supervisor on the line.

The supervisor explained that a $250 dollar tip meant nothing to him because he was the CEO of the company and made much more than that.

Spoke with the CEO for about 10 minutes, then I just hung up because my doctor was calling.

They called back another 3 times but I was busy.

I love telemarketers.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Took a roll around the ranch today and it was an eye opener.

How the mice will play while the cat is away.

The woman has been spending like we have a money tree in the back yard. And a big one at that.

First, she PAID to have the house painted, knowing we had a perfectly good brush in the shed. And Charlie next door has a ladder she could have used for the high parts. To further agitate me she had it painted banana, even hough she knows I'm allergic.

New awnings. The old one was only missing a few strips.

Next, while going through the kitchen, a brand new wooden spoon. As rarely as she cooks you know she didn't wear out the old one.

Finally, I went through the fridge and pantry.

Name brand products.

No store brand peanut butter for Mrs. Rockefeller.

I gotta go and lecture the missus about frugality. Catch you tommorow.

I'll start visiting blogs soon.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Believe it or not

I'm Home

At the rehab, the computer has been down for weeks so here's what's been going on.

The other day I was chased around by a little Asian woman with a commode. On my last day I pooped in it, and you have never seen a woman more excited to see me take a poop. Actually sounds like she may be my type of woman.

Guess what they put on Stumpy last week

No, not baby foreskin.

Give up?

A patch made from pig testicles.

When Joe gets around a rasher of bacon (insert your own joke here, I know most of you will.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Commercials for Morons

These are real commercials and the target audience is morons.

There is a medication and one of the side effects may be dry mouth. The voice over helpfully points out that water may be helpful for dry mouth.


The Johnny Cochran firm in NY also advertises its legal services. They mention they are helpful in case of injury. You don't want to face the big insurance attorneys alone.

Or if you are a celebrity murderer.

See you in a couple days

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Seems that lately all I've written about is what body part was lost (total to date for new readers: leg, kidneys, belly button, mind) but today there's some good news.

I can lift my fat butt up and stand on my one leg by myself. Taa Daaah!

Once Stumpy heals I'll be able to get a table leg or something, strap it on, and get the hell out of here.

By the way, am I the only one who wondered if those trapped miners got straight pay or time and a half while they were in the mine.

How sick are you with political commercials? Are these lowlifes the best we have? And why do they spend many millions for a job that pays maybe $100 K?

It's been a rough week for me with my Yankees (sniff, whimper) losing embarassingly to Texas. A Rod gets like 27 mil per year. You'd think maybe he could get a couple hits? Well, it's not really his fault. Remember Babe Ruth visited a hospital and promised a sick kid that he would hit a homer for him? Well it seems that A Rod visited a sick kid, too. And he promised him a grounder to second.

I hope to get on the puter soon. In the meantime, Hey Kevin, call me.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


As a people approach a level of stupidity never before seen in history, I wonder where the bottom will be. I got a box of jelly beans yesterday and it came with directions!

Anyone too stupid to eat jelly beans without directions deserves to starve.

Some good news. With some help, I can stand on my one gimpy leg for 30 seconds.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Of nudity and clocks

Yeah, I said clocks.

So, I roll into my room and see a big naked guy on the other bed. I understand my women readers may have been intrigued, along with 8-10 percent of the men, but I was perplexed.
It was my new room mate, a guy who assumed it was a clothing optional facility. In the brief time I saw him, I noticed he needed ironing.

The stupid computer won't let me leave comments, and there were plenty of smartass ones.

Some of youse may wonder how I am able to wake up at 3 a.m.

The facility has a young girl vigorously scrub my naughty bits. Works much better than an alarm clock. When I go home I'm sure Mrs C will discontinue this method.

My number is 908.222.5142

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Didja Know????

In Cambridge, Massachusetts, parking tickets are issued with yoga instructions, the theory being illegal parking is an aggressive act, so yoga would make the parkers less so.

I would like to know if they if the shoving ticket up the parking commission's tookus is included.

And today on the news I saw kids are cursing at a younger age, some as young as 2.

Great, we'll have school age kids who can't read and write, but they can curse at a college level.

Somewhere on this internety thing there is a video with me and a bunch of senile citizens working out. I can't dance but my punch punch wiggle wiggle


I'll keep looking for youse.

No matter what you've heard, Wii bowling, without beer, is just as boring as real

Thank you to the Queen and all her court for stopping by.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I'm a Big Kid Now

Been a while since I've typed to youse so I'll bring youse up to date.

As youse can tell, from the title, I've graduated to pull up diapers. Note to men: they are kind of bulky so they are great for speculation if you are into the bar scene.
I report to the butcher (surgeon) weekly, and one week he wants to chop again and the next he saya all is fine. Either way he "cleans it up" which is one extremely painful procedure.

Now I have an ethical question. Some of the old folks are up half the night raising a ruckus and interferring with my beauty sleep. And of course they sleep in their chair all day. So. when I see them dozing, I kick the chair to wake them. The pretty young nurse calls it mean, I call it tough love. What do youse say?

Quote of the month "Hey, I need that stuff."
Can you guess what the physical terrorists were doing to me, or where?

Did you hear about the bank robbers who tried to escape by driving through a car wash?

They wanted to make a clean getaway.

P.S. Kevin I lost your phone number. Please call me at 908.222.5142

Everyone else is welcome to call, too. Or else I'll kick your chair while you're sleeping.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:

Monday, Wednesday and Friday --

3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.

5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.

11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --

8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.

9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.

9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!

10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.

Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.

Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So Mrs. "C" let me know that I hadn't written her a poem since "that big tree in the yard was a sapling."

This was weird because we are treeless, but we all have our delusional moments. Hell, I occasionally think I am the King of Portugal. Anyway, I gathered up all my romantic energy and came up with:

"I loved you then.
I love you today,
Even though your butt
Is now Ginormous."

It did bring tears to her eyes as she gently dabbed her peepers. She became so overwrought with emotion that she started punching me. This is common when one gets so overcome emotionally that they act inappropriately. Even to me, a patient with a healing stump!

Maybe I will try another, but get youse opinions first:

"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
And you still
Have nice hooters!"

I bet she'll be pleased. Wimmin love a compliment...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Romantic History, So Far

Don't worry, this isn't porn related, or anything shady, and no body part references where you have to close your eyes. It is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and yes, a bit pathetic. While I have titled it, "So Far...", it is most likely finished, but I do have to keep Mrs. "C" on her toes as she has checked out Nurse Juan. Her idea of Mr. Perfect.

It starts at the NY World's Fair 1961-65 when I was just a Young Crochety. You know the Fair with the big globe still sitting there in the background of the Mets games. If you went you probably have a picture of it with your aunt and uncle somewhere in your family photos.

What is important to note is that this is where I stopped in at the Philippines exhibit. Yes, now you know how I developed my life long attraction to Filipina nurses. It may also explain some of the issues I had with the overly affectionate Filipino mail nurse from many posts ago. Now I will have something else to chat about with my therapist, I guess *sigh*. Thought I was cured.

My first crush was a young asian girl (surprise). I tried to show I was interested by breaking off pieces of my eraser, trying to get them stuck in her hair.

Advice to any young lotharios: This pisses off your object of affection and usually gets detention. Choose another method.

The next young lady was a bit flirty with me so I was thinking about asking her out. Then she died. I refused to date dead chicks. While it is true they don't complain about the movie choice, they do attract flies at the drive-in.

After this audacious start, I started dating some cute little blond of viking descent. That should have been a BIG hint. A few weeks later I got a "Dear Joe" letter as she went off and joined the Marines.

Next was cute blonde 2.0. She asked me out. Few straight males would turn that down,. Most would have been cautious. Most men would have known they were being cheated on, not me.

Soon I met the first Mrs. "C". How would I sum up our marriage? KAPOW! ZAP!! BOFF!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!. Nuff said. So was this the end? Or would Crochety manage to find another terrible relationship?

Place your bets...

And the winner is...

Met a woman through the classifieds. Spoke for a few weeks on the phone. We found a mutually agreeable day to go to dinner. She then proceeded to eat more chinese food than a small group of sumo wrestlers while telling me about the great guy she met a few days before. With that you would think she'd offer to pay for part of the meal.

While going from flower to flower I joined a self-help group. Had a lot female members there so I stayed. Eventually an old friend of mine who was also a member brought a woman he had been casually dating. From the moment I set eyes on her I was smitten and have been ever since. Yep, I wooed her big time. What choice did she have other than to fall in love with me. I was a suave, debonair, stud muffin,and a prime piece of American beef on the hoof. AHHH, TRUE LOVE AT LAST.

Going strong for over 17 years, isn't this a happy ending "SO FAR"?

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Moving On...YAAAYYYY!

How wonderful to be away from "Alarmy". Here I am in Room 223.

My new roommate is gone most of the day in his wheelchair, watching the world go by. And he is very quiet and reserved. Ahhh, peace.

Trying to figure out what I should have Mrs. "C" bring me for dinner. Thinking of Wendy's baked potato and chili...

Call me at 908-222-5142.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Food and Room Mates

What kind of club am I in?

Last night's dinner was a junior turkey club sandwich. I only wish I had a camera. Description: 2 dry, possibly stale, slices of wheatish bread with 1 (sliced with a laser nearly on an atomic level) bit of turkey, a see-through slice of tomato (probably Roma) and a leaf of lettuce. This was the most pathetic sandwich this patient has ever seen.

Today's lunch was a few slices of fried eggplant and a side order of boiled cabbage...How can it be right for Italian to be paired with Irish? Well, let it be known, a new food service manager was hired so hopefully boiled cabbage will never again appear with eggplant.

I have never spoken of my "roomies." Of course, in the past I had Mr. Mopey, a great guy. He eventually got well, left and started dating the Pretty Young Nurse. Since then, I have shared a room with Old Yeller (he screamed 24/7), the Escapee (slept all day and spent the night trying to run away setting off alarms). Now I have Alarmy. He as a bed alarm for his safety. Setting it off constantly, 24/7, he gets up, thinks he is in the bathroom and proceeds to pee on the floor. He mixed it up a bit today and pooped on the floor.

Yep, good times here! They assure me I will be moved to a room tomorrow with a better mate...wonder what surprises he will hold...

I will post my new info as soon as possible.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Back In the Saddle Again

Oh, I mean back in the big boy bed again at the sub-acute to heal and do PT...Room 228 and my new phone is 908-222-5152.

Not that the hospital wasn't a great place if one has been hit by a bus (or feels that way). The longer I hang out there, the worse it can be...I came back to rehab with various rashes and fungus' (fungi)?

I tried to have Mrs. "C" take a picture of Stumpy, but she said it is too gross, no one would want to see it. Youse guys should let me know that you all would love to see the damage, you do right?

Before I close, I wanted to wish belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my faithful reader, Tess.

Monday, July 19, 2010

So Many Commercials, So Little Time

As you know I watch a lot of TV and I like commercials. Sometimes though they confuse me.

For example, the ads for Cialis. In every one, the couples end up in separate bathtubs. Sometimes on the beach, sometimes in the woods.

This raises a question, "Where do the tubs come from?"

Now if I have to drop a pair of tubs around like that, well VIVA VIAGRA!

I have been here a week, the stump is debrided, the intravenous antibiotics are about finished, the hyperbaric therapy has started (the ear pain during the oxygen level changes is excruciating so they are putting in tubes so I can continue, of course...)

Friday, July 16, 2010


Greetings from the Stardust Ballroom on the 5th floor in JFK Hospital in scenic downtown Edison, NJ...sigh...

Nope, actually it is the same boring room in various shades of beige and yellow that I always wind up in...sigh...

I guess you can tell I am a little bummed today.

Most of the nurses, pretty or not, treat my stump ("Stumpey" to close friends) like it was a day-old half-price pot roast at Stop & Shop; but my night nurse was so kind and gentle when she changed the dressing that I hardly screamed.

Adding insult to injury, no good drugs this time. Last time I had Morphine, opiate patches, Dilaudid and Oxycodin (party on!). I remember having some awesome hallucinations. My doctor realized it was too much when I kept trying to hang up the remote on the phone receiver after "talking" to my friend, Mr. Mopey. This time since I am not having major surgery, I can only have Percocet. Something like the "M & M'S" of pain drugs.

I passed the criteria qualifying me for my first hyperbaric treatment yesterday and it was weird. Today they cancelled it. So check the schedule if you want to see a near nekkid fat guy in a glass box and stop by!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

New Development

Yesterday morning it was the usual stump check at the wound there at 11:00. At noon, the doc decides that: Yes, the stump is infected and I will be admitted back into JFK Hospital to have intravenous antibiotics and debridement of the skin flap. I have to go under anesthesia for this since it will be quite painful. What a surprise. Hmmm, maybe we can be reacquainted with Mr. Morphine...

After a discussion of how we can save the knee, which I brought up, I asked for treatment in a hyper-baric chamber to promote the healing. This is now up for consideration.

Finally got into a room (5317, play this number)at 3:00. And since EVERYTHING here takes forever to be processed, I will probably be here for a while. My new phone is 732-321-7846.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Happy Birthday USA!

I hope youse all had a happy and safe 4th of July, surviving with all your fingers, arms, etc.

Holy Heat Wave, its hot! I am not allowed to take a shower because of the wound, but "necessity is the mother of invention." I grab a bar of soap and get uncomfortably close to another fat guy and lather up...I then spritz myself with deodorant. It takes but a few minutes and keeps me "fresh as a daisy."

Good news on the head case scene to share: My psychologist says I am making great progress on my phobias. She still has some work to do on my fear of baked chicken. I know, one day at a time.

Monday, June 21, 2010


In my new blog, regarding my afterthought...

In case you didn't figure it out, there should have been a period (.) after "Devils". And then a new sentence beginning with "A few years ago..." Makes more sense, no? Well, I am still healing....


After the hellish year I've been through, I got to thinking.

Shouldn't I be allowed to date?

It seems pretty young nurse (pyn) has an unattached pretty young sister (pys)who is a reader. What would be the harm in going on a double date with "pyn", her beloved Mr. Mopey, "pys" and ME?

Geez, I am only talking pizza and a movie, not a weekend in an Atlantic City casino...shouldn't I be allowed to share my gimpy studliness?

Oh, by the way, John McLean was just hired as coach of the Devils a few years ago. We shared a moment at adjacent urinals. I'm pretty sure he peeked too.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Fathers Day!

Any male can be a "baby daddy."

It takes a MAN to be a DAD!

Friday, June 18, 2010


After losing a high stakes game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", the winning nurse that beat me with a "rock" over "paper" was awarded the "opportunity" to give the fat guy an enema. This wonderful nurse was ever so grateful a few minutes later when my colon, ever aware and dreading the enema ("You are going to take what? Fill it with cold water and put it where!?") began to "move."

It seems the evacuation system kicks into overdrive at the mere mention of an enema. I produced so prodigioiusly that when the aide emptied my diaper (What?! Youse still aren't wearing diapers despite all the advantages I've described in the past!?), she said "OH, my God, that is huge!" Now, normally men are quite proud when they hear a woman say that with their undergarments off, and I was mentally strutting...

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Thanks to everyone's good wishes or magic, most of my pain was gone on Friday evening. I had dialysis and was ready at 9 to be picked up and then I waited and waited and waited for the EMT's to bring me back to my sub-acute, Norwood Terrace.

Got back at midnight and was greeted by the nurse (the young, pretty one) who saved my life a few weeks before by insisting they take me to the hospital with my irregular heart beat. Didn't get my old room back, but it at least gives Mrs. "C" a new number to play in the lottery...231.

My gall bladder is inflammed so I can't eat what I want and I have a touch of pneumonia. Am I sounding like a hypcondriac or just and old broken down shell of a stud?

My new number is 908-222-5158. Don't be afraid, you can call me...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Musical Rooms

The hospital is changing my room almost daily.

My pain level has decreased, so I am off the morphine. Good thing. I was hallucinating so much that in addition to the body tremors, I was teaching classes! "Hey, don't forget that hall pass and yes, you can go to your gym class now"...very scary. Mrs. "C" was the non-compliant student.

They found an infection so it is back on the antibiotics. The bandages are off and I will soon be going back to a sub-acute. Can you believe it? I STILL CANNOT GO HOME!

They tried to get me up on my "good" leg. This is the one affected by the stroke. It was just too weak. Oh, that's right, I haven't been on it for at least 6 weeks.

I am sure that I have only survived all this because of your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for getting me through this nightmare.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Looking for Pain Management!

They did a second surgery Friday at 2:30 pm to prepare the leg for a prosthesis. They started the flap just below the knee. When that heals (weeks or months) I will be fitted. I am figuring I will spend that time at home. WHAT?! ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR!

I have been in pain but not as much as now. The big toe is killing me...They have been trying and alternating pain meds. Nothing seems to work for too long. Mrs. "C" spent yesterday afternoon, but I slept most of the time hence the short, weird blog.

Heart rate has been stabilized and is responding to meds.

I slept through a round of morphine, so hopefully today will be a better one!

Thanks for the good thoughts!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Call Me "Stumpy"

Yeah, this Saturday morning they whacked my left foot off just above the ankle. I always look for the weird angle in every situation and what could be more weird than coming out of a major surgery with all the surgeons, nurses and staff singing to the radio playing "Raspberry Beret?"

For the next few weeks I will be selling my stylin' left shoes on Ebay...

The one thing I know for sure: From now on, for Halloween, I will be a peg-leg pirate! Anyone know where I can get a parrot cheap?

Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts all this time...I am truly blessed.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Back To Dictation

Told Mrs. "C" to send this over on Wednesday (she sure took her time):

GREETINGS from JFK Hospital! A couple of days ago I was told I had a minor heart attack. So minor it took them two days to detect it. Now they are poking holes in me about 12 times a day. The say I will be here anywhere from a few days to six months...In between tests, please reach me at 732-321-7384.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Philosophical Quote of the Day

You don't always get what you want.

You don't always get what you need.

You get what you get.

I was working out in Physical Therapy the other day and noticed I was being "checked out" by some members of the fair sex...okay, so I was pumping a tiny, pink dumb bell, the ladies were, umm, over 85 (at least they looked that old).

Dammit, I liked knowing that I was a stud to at least some random octogenarians. So, I decided to enhance my inner GQ self. Mrs. "C" brought me several Hawaiian shirts to go with my too-short shorts. That will really drive the old wimmin crazy.

(Ed.note: WOO HOO!)

Type to you soon!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

P.S. to ba_hutch, the WINNER

I either didn't get your address or I lost it...please email it to me again so I can send you the DELICIOUS NJ pork roll...

More Fun With NAUGHTY Bits

Last week I had a skin graft on my foot. This week it was discovered that it did not take.

One option now is to take skin grown in a lab from a baby's foreskin and insert it in the wound. (I swear I am not making this up.)

It makes me wonder that if I get err...umm...amorous will my foot grow from its current size 11 to a 14 or so?

Last week, on one of the facility's computers, I did some simple math problems. Yep, I got them all wrong. I am a math tutor and surely telling the kids the answer is "7,more or less," will really make my boss happy.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Crochety wants everyone to know that since he keeps getting stuck with roommates that love to stay up all night screaming he is the only patient that has been moved twice in this lovely new facility within a month.

Physical therapy has him standing and getting into his wheelchair by himself. Quite a feat, no? Now he is ready to start walking and the foot doc decided to do a skin graft from his thigh to his heel and he has to stay in bed until Monday.

Pulleeze call him so he can complain to someone other than ME...908-222-5134.

Mrs. "C"

Thursday, April 01, 2010

55 !


(and he is telling everyone that will listen...stop by for a cupcake!)

Mrs. "C"

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Good is that Crochety stood up with a little assistance! He is feeling frisky...

Not so Good is that the darn laptop is attacking, we are working on it...his new phone is 908-222-5130.

Friday, March 19, 2010


Winner winner chicken dinner

Errrrr, pork roll dinner.

ba hutch correctl gussed or figured out that yours truly is now belly buttonless
send your name and address to the email listedon the site, and you will be enlying the finest NJ taste treat

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My memory sucks

Since the stroke my memory is horrible. I mean I had a kickass blog post for you today. I can't remember a the title. My buddy in here has memory problems, too and it's hilarious.

He'll ask a ques.tion of me, Ill forget what he asked, then he'll forget what he asked.

Our conversations will last 2 hours, cover a myriad of subjects, and by the end won't remember a damned thing.

Don't forget the porky contest. A couple guesses came realy close.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Porky Contest

First of all a happy St Patrick's Day to youse.

I'm having a contest, sadly only one winner.

The prize is genuine NJ pork roll. Yum.

Earliest correct guess wins. One guess per person, per day.

Ok, here goes.

Regular readers have a huge advantage in this.

I'm missing a few body parts.

Some teeth, some toes.

But last year during this journey into hell, doctors took one more thing. It's nothing internal. What was it?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

How to have fun while while at the rehab center

Sure are a lot of hours to fill.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I spend about 5 hours at dialysis then about 30 minutes in PT.

Tuesday, Thursday I spend about 2 hours. Weekends about each day in PT about an hour.

That leaves (multiply by 7, add 23, subtract 14, divide by pi, add the negatve square root of 123) 39,534 hours, more or less, for mischief.

Because mobility is limited, so is mischief.

I have a grabber, which doubles as a nurse hiney pincher. Any nurse within about 6 feet of my bed is fair game.

Next I have my wheelchair, ideal for racing and cruising the halls for hiney pinching on the go.

OOOOOOOOOHHH There goes a new nurse. Maybe she'll want to look at my naughty bits.

Got to go. See youse soon.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Greetings and felicitations

I finally got online and I'm not busy throwing up so I guess it's time for a blog post. Me and the Mrs. are hanging in. My buddy down the hall is an engineer so he got me online, and will write the directions so I can do it every day.

So far, I sent two physical therapists running from the room crying. (skinny little beotches-heh heh)

Probably explains why I have a psychologist assigned to me. Can youse say anger issues?

I'm healing from the last 10 months of hell and getting stronger every day. Can't stand yet, but I'm working towards it. Got some machine where they slip like a heavy duty bra under my ass and lift me up.

Thanks everyone for staying with me. Your phone calls and messages have been a Godsend.

A special thanks to MA Fat Woman.

And Janna, why don't you call and we can discuss a pork roll contest?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Last night Crochety was sent to a new sub-acute facility. I asked that he come home, but the hospital felt he was "too fragile". They seem to think that he is just too weak now, which is exactly what he projects. He did get excited this morning when I spoke with him and told him I bought a new 40" TV so maybe that will be incentive enough for him to work out more and get his strength up! Lord knows I have tried EVERYTHING else...

His new place is AristaCare @ Norwood Terrace in North Plainfield. Room number is 222B and his phone is 908-222-5140.

Here we go again!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

We Thought Calcium Was a Good Thing.

Crochety was due to go to rehab yesterday but the hospital is confused about where he is going. Crazy right?

Then his blood calcium level shoots up and the endocrinologist says he isn't going anywhere, except a new room!

He is in 2549 and the phone number is 732-321-7125.

We are hanging in there...Thanks everyone,

Mrs. "C"

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Room 4307. Haven't we been here before?

Crochety is still in the hospital but they moved him back to the Telemetry floor and now he is back on a heart monitor. We don't know why yet. Maybe just a precaution. All he is lamenting is how he is being pried away from the prettiest nurses.

He has been nauseous and dry heaving for the past 2 days, for which he is getting shots to calm his stomach. His para-thyroid gland is acting up and producing too much calcium. It is like a vicious cycle, no? All the doctors agree that if he pushed himself to move more and get the circulation pumping he would be on the road to recovery...

His new phone is 732-321-7383.

We are wishing you a great Superbowl day! Maybe he needs a couple of beers to set him up right. I will be snacking and cheering next to his hospital bed...oh goody...

Crochety is still going with the Colts, but I am sure it will be the SAINTS!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

new room...old friends

They moved him down a floor, room 3221.

His phone is now 732-321-7214.

Crochety sat in a chair today for an hour. It took 4 little nurses to move him in and out of bed. Don't know if it was good or bad that they recognized him and updated him on what was new with them.

They will most likely be sending him on to the old rehab facility for p/t very soon.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

From ICU to Telemetry

Thank goodness the blood pressure has stabilized! Phew!

Crochety is still in tremendous pain, but trying to hold off the pain meds...when they moved him to his new room, they didn't transfer all his med orders and he didn't get a sleeping pill as he requested so he was up all night. This should be the least of his problems!

Now in room 4305.

Phone is 732-321-7384.

Sunday, January 31, 2010


Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers!

Joe got through the leg vein bypass on Friday afternoon, but is still in ICU because his blood pressure cannot be stabilized. If he takes the pain meds (LOTS OF DISCOMFORT SO YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING) he needs a medication that constricts his blood vessels which is detrimental to his leg blood flow.

As soon as he gets a phone again, I will give you the new number!

You are all such a blessing!

Tired Mrs. "C"

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Since Crochety's team of doctors have now decided his circulation is not close enough to what it should be, they are going to do the approx. 4-hour leg vein bypass operation tomorrow.

This is serious, so send ALL good thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all your past kindnesses...

Mrs. "C"

Saturday, January 23, 2010

So far, So good

Crochety got through yesterday's angioplasty with a big "YES" from Doc Wong. The decision was made to do this first because the bypass will take approx. 4 hours. For this part he didn't have to go under anesthesia, just had local. Doc thinks circulation to the foot has been improved so much that Crochety may not have to have the leg vein bypass. He debrided the wound on the his heel and if that improves over the next few days, Crochety will have gotten yet another miracle!

He was moved to room 2519 and his new phone is 732-321-7148.

Oh, Crochety says "Go Jets!"...EX Mrs. C says, "Go Saints!"...

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Hi All,

Leg vein bypass operation set for tomorrow, Friday, at 1:30 PM.

Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers.

EX Mrs."C"

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

update news

This is the EX MRS. CROCHETY.

Against my better judgement I read the last entry and just reminded myself why I do no longer read the old fuddy dud's posts (because he will never grow up).

However, I felt I should let everyone know that he is in JFK in Edison, yes again, room 2543. His phone is 732-321-7121.

He should be having the vein bypass surgery tomorrow on his leg and hopefully this will increase circulation so his foot wounds will heal.

Thank you for your good thoughts and prayers.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I still got it

Please if you see Mrs. Crotchety do not reveal the contents of this post. I'll tell her the post has to do with something medical so she won't read it.

But you can tell everyone else because it is amazing.

A really pretty nurse has been flirting with me. Photobucket

Yes, indeed.

This old crip has been flirted with by a really hot nurse who is in her early 20's. And she has seen my naughty bits. (They must be even cuter than I thought.)Photobucket

I should go back and find my first serious girlfriend, who dumped me, and let her see me today, with my Svengali-ish charms. HOOHAAAAAA.

I was going to end this post with a pcture of myself, but then I would have to deal with scores of women getting all flirtatious. That is just too much darn work.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Eight, so far

We've all seen the devastation in Haiti. Watched the tally rise.





But it's really meaningless to most of us.

But not to my aide, Nerlande (Nelly,) who is from Haiti. She has been walking around for the last few days hiding tears. I asked her if her family has been in touch with her, and are ok.

She has lost some members.

"Eight, so far."

Now it became very personal.

I know I'll remember hearing that for a long time.

The kind, gentle woman who has helped care for me for months has suffered a tremendous loss. Nameless, faceless victims aren't dead, but relatives of a friend. And since the initial reports, she has lost even more family and friends. The toll rises.

Sure I gave her a condolence card, and a few bucks to help out. But it is so little. I am asking everyone, if you have been thinking of sending some money to a reputable organization to help out, please do. If you haven't, please reconsider.

Here on the East Coast we have a huge Haitan community. Many of our friends and neighbors have lost family. Help for their sake.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Crap, crap, crap

Next week my leg is being operated on. Seems there is no circulation below the knee (oh the joy of diabetes) so they will do like a bypass in an attempt to save the leg.

Sounds like a lot of pain. I hope youse guys get me through it like the previous operation. This shouldn't be as potentially dangerous as the last time, but things have a way of going badly for me. The lovely and talented Mrs. Crotchety will provide updates. I'll be getting a fresh Brazilian.
As usual, if I die, thanks for reading.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Hey there, little buddy

I've always been a rather corpulent guy, Photobucketwith my recent weight loss (180 lbs) some rather striking changes have occurred.
I can see my toes!

For the first time in many, many years I can see my naughty bits!!! And they are cute as can be.

I knew they were there all along, but I was going on blind faith, for there had been no visual confirmation since 1968.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Bunch of rambling stuff

Has anyone noticed Brendon Fraser has gained a lot of weight, but all in his face?

The EMT transporting me today looked exactly like Zena the Warrior Princess.

I thought that was weird.

I wonder if being an impersonator would be a good job? It would certainly be easy enough. I look enough like John Popper to impersonate him, unfortunately no one knows who he is.

I've been making progress. I get in a wheelchair using a sliding board.

Sounds like fun, huh?

Imagine shoving a board up my bum, then shimmying down to the chair.

Oh joy. Splinters on my naughty bits are just one hazard.

Speaking of my naughty bits, a new aide started last night and within minutes, she was introduced to my naughty bits.Photobucket