Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Newscasters are morons


We had a major blizzard in this area, between 20 and 30 inches of snow, and drifting.

The news reporters went batshit crazy, as if we had neither windows nor doors to go outside and see for ourselves. Reporters were all over the streets while telling us not to go out. It's not enough to say the streets aren't plowed, we need to be shown. After all, unplowed Elm St in Elizabeth looks so much different than unplowed Hamilton St. in Elizabeth, NJ.

Damn, I need a font for sarcasm.

And, by the way, Mrs. C wants a new shovel, which I'll buy for her. God, I'm so good to that woman.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Global warming, my butt

We got snow up to my naughty bits, and with wind chill, it's single digits.

The 2 coldest months are ahead of us.

I want to kick Al Gore in the 'nads..

A belated Happy Boxing Day, whatever that is. Hey, it's on my calender.

But it was my nephew's birthday. I chose to celebrate that.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas From the Crotchety Family and our watchdog Pepper.

Pepper is a beloved family member of my friend Sweetneas, and photo is borrowed from her.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Eve

Most of my grinchiness is gone. Thanks to readers/friends The Middle Aged Fat Woman,(read her blog) and Lisa I am having a very nice Xmas. Even though they say Xmas is the season of giving, I like getting a lot.

I probably won't be back until Monday, but I left a present for youse tomorrow.

Which Shake Weight ad is funnier? (sorry I forgot how to make these thing clickable.)



Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Spirit Returns

Mrs. C was driving me around and we saw a house so beautifully decorated it brought about the Holiday spirit in me.

They had one of those wire reindeer, a plastic snowman, and a cow.

It doesn't get any better.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Starve a cold, feed a hallucination

Or something like that.

I was in pain the other day, so I took the pain patch that I haven't used in about a month. I also took some Oxycodone before going to sleep. That night I had so many hallucinations and nightmares. There were people in the room, and, of course, I hallucinated that I pooped in my bed and it was alive. Some of you may remember my hallucinations in the hospital involved pooping Mardi Gras beads. Why do my hallucinations always seem to involve poop? I guess that is for my psychiatrist to figure out.

Which reminds me, in the hospital they took several x-rays of my butt. I asked them to let me know what they found up there because I'm missing some stuff.

They didn't find anything so I received a couple enemas and some prune juice.

Happy times!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A very happy Sunday to youse

It's raining, damp, and cold, yet I feel good. It's probably the Celexa. :)

I'm not going to post the poll, but I'm sure it will run along gender lines. Since more women than men read this, Mrs. C. won the debate. I'm Celexahappy about that.

Also, I found a package of chocolate Twizzlers that she had hidden, which also cheers me up.

On to another subject.

"The boys" were sore. I spent 6 hours in a vinyl chair, and I use a slide board to transfer. A slide board is a 30" by 6" board that I use to go into my chair, go in the car, go on the potty, etc. When "the boys" are sore, youse can imagine the pain.
I called my friend, Freddie, and asked him if he had any ideas. He said to spray them with Pledge.

Said they would be slippery. I thought that made sense.

I sprayed and the pain was incredible!!!

I buffed for a half hour so now they are sore, itchy, and shiny.

But on the bright side, they are lemony fresh.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Now, for something completely different

Instead of my usual bitching this will be different. Yeah, it was a crappy day, so let's talk about something everybody likes--commercials.

Some of youse may know that on a cruise years ago, in a trivia contest about commercials I tied an advertising exec in knowledge of commercials. I won when I anwered a general trivia question. (What is lighter than air, yet can sink a ship? I'll give the answer tomorrow if no noe can guess correctly, but I'm positive one or more of you will.)

Anyway, three commercials truly make me smile every time they come on.

Garth Jr. rocks!!! What's not to like about a 10 year old Viking with a beard? Absolutely hilarious!!!

#2 How can anyone not crack up when they see Peggy from Discover commercials. Peggy is the greatest customer service person ever.

#3 The girl who sings Hyundai carols is so cute and sings like an angel. I get tired of every diva belting out tunes with such a boomig voice that they turn jingle bells into opera.

You miss a lot by not watching TV. I'm sure most are on youtube though, Sandee.

If I can remember, how to do surveys, soon, hopefully tomorrow there will be a survey here on the blog that I hope everyone will participate in. It's about some issue that is currently causing major strife in Casa Crotchety. As usual it is all my fault, alledgedly.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

As hard as I try

no matter how pleasnt my day has been, somebody manages to piss me off.

Today Mrs. C and I went to a nice lunch with my friend MB and her Mom. Got my first Christmas gift. On the way home Mrs. C bought a hot chocolate from Mickey D's for me. Turned on the TV to catch some golf. Life couldn't be better.

Then the news came on.

Charles Rangel (D NY) -you can look up what he did if yer interested- was censured, which means a large percentage of the House agreed he acted inappropiately.

In his first interview with the NY press he stated, among other stuff, and I'm not making this up,
"I didn't have sex with cildren."

Let's build him a monument!!!

I didn't have sex with children either, so make it 2 monuments.

Mine should be with an automatic spray system to wash off the bird doody.

And just in case you were wondering, when some of his illiterate, moronic faithful constituents said they would vote for him again because he had robbed done so much for them.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

More humbuggery

Holy crap!

Did youse see the price of a tree in Manhatten? 900 bucks. Yes, you read that correctly. Some moronswealthy folks are paying that much for a tree. The same tree in places like NJ, or Brooklyn would cost $150.

Bah Humbug!
Happy Hannakah! Youse guys need 8 days of presents.