Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Mr. Queso del Mundo

The Crotchety Old Lady is the Mary Tyler Moore to my Lou Grant, helping me get the blog published while I remain, more or less, accessless.

So, anyway, here we are in the ER, and a few rooms away, a man is speaking loudly in Spanish about “Queso del Mundo” and “La parabala.” He was quite passionate about Queso del Mundo, as one would expect anyone in an emergency room to be about the world of cheese.
The Crotchety Old Lady sidled over to see who he was talking to, assuming it was someone in the room, or on the phone.
Mr. Queso del Mundo was using his great oratorical skills to spread the Gospel of Cheese among the sick in the ER.
In Spanish.
Though it should be pointed out that every few minutes, for sheer dramatic effect, he did go off on an expletive laden rant, dropping the “F bomb” in perfect English.
This lasted until he sat down after 6 or so hours. Then, after a short 15 minute break, he continued. For another 3 hours.
You’d think I’d know a lot more about the world of cheese now, but I barely know my asiago from a hole in the gouda.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Rescue Me

First, I’m having issues with the internet connection, so while I read and appreciate all the comments, I can’t respond at this time. I also have a hard time visiting all my friends. Eventually, this will be resolved.

On to funny bizness.

Remember I promised funny stories from all the mayhem? Here’s one. And it’s all true. Pathetic and sad, but true.

While it wasn’t very funny at the time, looking back, my emergency 911 call was loaded with comedy potential. I was stuck on my beloved couch. I had apparently reached the point of fatness that I was permanently a part of the furniture.

Picture this, a fat guy…ok..fatter..fatter…now you went too far. You went to The Learning Channel Special Episode Fat Guy. Back it off to right around Family Guy’s Peter Griffin Fat.

Ok, now what happened is that I started to retain water like I’m 85% Shamwow. Seriously, probably in the area of 8 to 10 gallons or more, making little things like breathing nearly impossible. My goal was to get up, and drive to the ER. Except I couldn’t get up. So, we called 911.

The first team member showed up-- a very nice, but definitely overmatched-- tiny blonde woman. accessed the situation, and called for immediate backup. Then the police showed up.

Invoking a very Danny Glover-esque “We didn’t sign up for this crap,” they called for the fire department rescue unit. Deciding that the couch was at least 50% responsible for his mess, they immediately destroyed the couch.

And called Tony.

Tony is the department equivalent of Superman. Bends steel with his bare hands, lifts Buicks for fun and stuff like that. The plan was to have Tony lift me off the remains of the couch. Tony gave it his all, but Shamu I wasn’t budging.

Time to call another rescue unit as the gurney is the wrong one and they are afraid of injury. The crowd inside and outside my home now numbers about 15 rescue workers, various supervisors, and a dozen open-mouthed neighbors. My street is impassable due to the sheer number of emergency vehicles. The new, improved gurney won’t fit inside my home. Fireman Chris has to remove all the doors. Ok. The gurney is in, but yours truly is still on the couch, which is now little more than cushions and firewood.

Time for the supervisors to step up. The selfless men and woman who have saved countless individuals over the years. The heroes of emergency rescue.

And they are stumped. Finally, one remembers that another unit has a brand new device, a giant rubber mat/blanket with lots of grab holes. Remember old cartoons with the net thing they held to catch people jumping out of buildings? Like that.

Sadly, it’s also like what they used to hoist Free Willy out of the water. So, they manage to get this under Willy me, and a half dozen or so burly rescue workers flipped me up on to the gurney.

During he ride to the hospital, the gurney came partially loose, threatening to squash the worker in the back with me. We pulled over, and Tony saved the day, as he held the gurney in place for the rest of the ride.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with more.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Holy Crap, I lived

The access is balky, so this will be short.

I'm in renal failure, and on dialysis. Bit of pain, but still finding funny stuff. Boy, will we have some stories to laugh about. Most involve catheters.

That Foley guy has a weird sense of humor.

Anyway, thanks for all the positive thoughts. In between getting poked and prodded, lots of free time, so if anyone wants to call and hear a real NJ accent, my current hospital room is 732.321.7308.

I've heard estimates of my hospital stay being anywhere from a few weeks to a month or so.


I'll try to get on again soon.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm Feeling Pretty Crappy

I hate to not post, but I'm feeling pretty poorly. Sorry that I haven't been visiting like usual, either.

Waiting to hear from the doctor and expect to be hospitalized. I'll let youse know if anything funny happens.

Thanks for stopping by.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Waiting for the ambulance to arrive

I've made a call to 911, and expect the ambulance to show up shortly. The doctor wants me to go to the hospital today. I'm sure they will be inserting tubes into places I don't want them to be, and sticking me in others.

Yes, it really is serious.

If I die, the Crotchety Old Lady will let you know. Just in case, thanks for everything.

If this works out, well, I promise lots of new stories about very personal attacks on my manly naughty bits. If it doesn't...well, I already covered that.


Important Heroes for the 21st Century

Various magazines will list heroes all the time.

Actors, athletes, and politicians always seem to dominate that list.

Yeah, I know. People who pretend to be others, adults who get paid to play games, and slimy liars.

But every so often, a true hero comes forth. I present one of these heroes, David Traver.

America's Most Humble Hero
Against world-wide competition, and in a contest normally dominated by Germany, Mr. Traver brought home the gold a few weeks ago.

In Alaska, the home of manly men and nervous sheep, Mr Traver, a real life Mr T., battled his way to the top of the heap in

the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championship.

Mr T and his beard stylist worked hard to craft and dye his beard into the shape of a snowshoe that simply wowed the judges.

Like a true champion, immediately following the competition, Mr T announced his retirement and vowed to shave.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

Caption winner announced; PETA News Update

First, we'll announce the winner of this week's contest. With 50 entrants, it was a close one again. But the staff at Crotchety Old Man World Wide Headquarters and Discount House of Worship came through.
Hilarious comments were submitted by Philip Dyer, Lady Sarcasm, Jenn, Moooooog, Quirky, Kirsten, Sheila, FReak Smack, Jeff, Bunk Strutts, Marie, Nonamedufus, (Un)Censored, Haley, and Douglas Dyer.

But only one can win the coveted Zucchini Award for Captioning Excellence. And this week, it goes to
Twitter: For the technologically challenged.
Twitter: For the Amish

by: Swirl Girl
The judges were not sure whether that was one or 2 captions, but it worked either way.

Second place went to Nonamedufus, while third was Kirsten.


And, as promised, here's the latest from those goofballs at PETA.

I'm sure you have heard this "story" by now, but in case you missed it, during an interview in the White House, President Obama killed a fly. PETA observers naturally took notice and sent him some sort of humane trap, so that in the future, flies in the White House can be trapped safely, and returned to the wild.

I swear I'm not making this up. PETA, an organization that has euthanized hundreds, possibly thousands, of animals like dogs, cats, and fluffy bunnies, was in favor of saving a fly. A poop eating, disease spreading insect. This news made me want to eat a sea kitten.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Post 600!!!

Holy crap!!! I just checked. This is my 600th post on this blog.

I really don't have a life.

We had to reschedule our vacation. I was supposed to spend the first week in July ogling cocktail waitresses sitting on the Boardwalk outside casinos, but instead, I'll be sitting on my couch watching fireworks on TV. Photobucket
We will try again in September. September at the beach sounds pretty nice, actually. Get rid of those punk partying kids, and the families with rugrats. Just me and all the old folks and some footloose and fancy free types.

Beach crowd is different in September
If you get a chance, could you stop by and vote for Stacie from Stacie's Madness? She is a regular commentor here, and writes a very funny blog. Right at the top of her blog page page there is a thing to click on to vote for her blog as the best in her hometown. It will take less than a minute and help out a bud.

Thanks. And, if you aren't a regular reader of hers, check it out. It's worth taking a few minutes to read a couple posts.

Starting this weekend, I'm going to switch to summer hours. No weekend posts except for the Super Special Father's Day Edition. Or if it's a special day like Richard Simmons's Birthday.

It's my favorite video, and a Father's Day tradition, and well worth stopping by to see. I promise it will not become stuck in your head, although last year, it did cause temporary blindness, and I'm reasonably sure at least one blog regular spent considerable time sitting in the corner gently sobbing.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Does the Google Hate Me?

This morning the Crocthety Old Lady mentioned that I spend more time scratching than the average human being. Now, how would she know that? So, I checked the Google, and, as usual, I could not find an answer.

Everyone uses the Google as the "Go to" source to find out everything, yet it never seems to answer my questions.

In addition to today's scratching question, a few things I've tried to find, but couldn't are:

How much water does the average person lose per day in breathing?

How tall is Gene Simmons's son?

For how many years can you put 4th grade spelling bee champ on your resume?


Monday, June 15, 2009

Happy Monday to You

So, the Crotchety Old Lady says, "Did you do your post yet?"

No, I'm not doing one.

Why not? You always do a post.

I've been busy.

Busy? All you do is sit on the couch and watch TV.

They were mean to me yesterday.


All of them. Especially Janna They laughed at me, too.

They are supposed to, you moron. It's a humor blog.

Yeah, but then they made me listen to the song.

"You don't even know where Chicago is, Jerkface," she chided.

Well, yeah, it's sort of that way, as I pointed in a more or less westernly direction. I like to assume my couch faces northish.

Just turn off the Married with Children Marathon and write your stupid post.

So I did.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Brain Damaged

Ever get some things into your brain, and you just can't get rid of them?

There is a song that I can not hear, for if I do, it won't leave my brain for weeks on end. I can't get it out, it just rattles around in there. And it's a bad song, which is even worse. And, I can't even repeat a single bar of it because if I do, I'll have to do an a capella version of it, and it will become stuck for weeks.

I was going to tell you the name of the song, but my fear is too great. Only a very few individuals know of this song. It's my kryptonite. Or it would be if I had any superpowers.

But, here is a really weird, embarassing secret: about 25 years ago, I used to work part time delivering pizza. Ok, that's not the embarassing part.

You know how lots of porn movies start with the pizza guy showing up?

Well, I have my own pornish story. It features nudity, and lots of innuendo, so please have kids leave the room.

Sadly, it does not elicit happy memories, ya bunch of pervs. It's one of those things I'd rather forget.

One night, my last delivery was to the nurse's station at a nursing home. A delivery to the nurses. Yeah, I know, this story is getting good. And everyone knows how much I like nurses.

Boom shakalaka mouw mouw.

I went to the nurses station, and waited for Nurse Hotstuff to pick up her dinner, when suddenly, I heard a female voice yell out, "Hey, come here!"

Woohoo, I thought.

I looked to my right, and who was busy stripping off her clothes?

You were expecting Pam Anderson?

I seriously considered becoming a monk that day.

And I really need some brain bleach, now.

Have a Happy Flag Day.Photobucket


Saturday, June 13, 2009

A Wild and Crazy Guy

Yeah, that would be me.

What wild and crazy thing did I do?

The Crotchety Old Lady came home after a 12 hour grocery shopping trip (I'm not making that up) and brought home various foodie treasures. And she offered me what was her unusual find of the day--kumquats.

My first response, of course, was to say no because I have never eaten a kumquat in my life. To be honest, I didn't even know what they looked like.

But, because I live life on the edge, I agreed to try one.

She handed me this little orangey-yellowish fruit about the size of a cherry tomato, but more oblong in shape. Smooth skinned, and smelling slighty citrus-like, it was pretty interesting looking. I was going to peel it, but she assured me the skin was thin and edible. I popped it in my mouth (I live dangerously) and bit down on it.

Holy moley!!! That little thing packed a lot of complex flavors in a tiny package.

It was sort of a sour orange, or a sweet lemon, tough to decide. But it was good. It has a slightly bitter finish, so it covered most of the tastes available to humans in one tiny fruit.

I'm not sure which challenge to face next, now thatI've eaten a kumquat.

How high is Mount Everest?


Friday, June 12, 2009

Caption winner announced

It was another close contest here, making the judges work extra to select a winner. And a clear winner did emerge.
But first, kudos to all the captioners that made our judges chuckle: MA Fat Woman, LL, Lola, Haley, Philip Dyer, Douglas Dyer, Quirky, Gin, Tahtimbo, Me-me, Grace, Joanie, Nooter, Kate, Lauren, and Tiggy. But only one could be the winner. And that was
Bill immediately regretted his answer to the question, "What would you do for a Klondike bar?"
by Moooooog

He wins the coveted Zucchini Award, along with EC credits.

Thanks to everyone for participating. We had nearly 50 entries again.

We are working on a really good prize for next week, so be sure to stop by.

And David Letterman is a putz.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Old People Just Out of Control

Remember when Granny would simply bake cookies and ramble on about crap from when she was your age? If she drove, it was a car that was at least 2 blocks long and had an exotic name like D'Ville or Electra and could fit 14 of her tiny friends. While said vehicle was capable of speeds in excess of 120 MPH, it rarely saw the other side of 40.

Those days are gone, and today's Granny on the Go is as likely to be stylin in a pick up truck as a Honda Fit.

And every bit as likely to assault a police officer after getting caught for speeding as to become an exotic dancer

Support AARP...Keep Grandma Off the Pole
Obviously, every so often, a feisty Granny will run afoul of John Law, and well, will just get out of control. If this happens, and the police officer has to take action...well, let's just say it isn't very grandmotherly to cuss like a sailor while yelling that you are 72 years old. Just take your tasing and get your butt to jail, Granny.

In case you missed this story:



Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Caption This


Don't forget to check out Chica's contest, too.


Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I've Been Busy

Don't forget to visit Etta as the summer tour bus should be arriving to her blog today.

You probably thought I just sat on the couch all day and watched TV, and you are absolutely correct would not be so wrong. I cruise throughout the blogosphere, and enter caption contests. I even won one of the best and got this cool award.
Yup, my blogger buddy Kirsten has a funny weekly picture to caption, and this week, my caption made her laugh the loudest, I guess.

The other thing that has been keeping me busy is the discovery on my cable lineup of a channel called Boomerang. It's probably been on for a while, but it's way up on the listings mixed in with a bunch of crappy channels, so who knew Magilla Gorilla

the Flintstones, Yogi Bear, the Banana Splits, and the Jetsons were all still on air?

I also saw a lot of shows from the 80's and 90's were on the lineup, so I was lucky enough to catch an episode of 2 Stupid Dogs.

I've been watching this since 4 a.m. with just a short break for The Price Is Right.

I have to go catch up on some Huckleberry Hound, now. I'll catch youse later.


Monday, June 08, 2009

The Joy of Pork Roll

Yesterday, I posted about that NJ delicacy known as pork roll, and a couple commentors were not aware of this gastronomic delight.

Pork roll, also known as Taylor ham, has been around for many years, and is uniquely NJ. I checked the Google, and it clearly stated that it is impossible to accurately describe it.

And that would be the best way to describe it, indescribable. It is like nothing you have ever had.
It is sweet, it is salty, and it is porky. And the only place in the world to get it is in NJ. It is available at every diner, deli, and fine dining establishment. In NJ.

Ha! Too bad for the rest of the world.

Someone once suggested it was similar to Spam.

Hummmpf!!!!! Humbug and balderdash, too. Not even close.

And as far as nutritional value; a pork roll and cheese sandwich is about 90% pure fat, mixed with 10% deliciousness. Copious amounts of ketchup does "Healthy it up" a bit, and occasionally a vegetarian will order it with onions.

And did I mention pork? I'm not sure of the percentages, but it's great.

It's worth a trip to NJ just for this sandwich.


Sunday, June 07, 2009

Our Final Day in the Jerseypolitan Area

After a quick NJ breakfast of pork roll, cheese, and egg sandwiches with extra ketchup, it's time to get on the tour bus for our final day before I send you off to visit Etta

And what could be better than a visit to Giants Stadium, home of the Giants and the Jets?

The Meadowlands Sports Complex also features a horse race track and an indoor arena where the Devils play. The Nets used to play there, too, but they moved to Newark, and will probably go to Brooklyn soon. That's ok, because they suck anyway. No one ever confused them with the Lakers.

But the best part about living in central New Jersey is we are about an hour away from the South Bronx.


If National League baseball is more your style, Queens is about an hour away also. That's where the Mets play, and, of course, the current Champions, the Phillies, are about an hour away to the south.

Well, our unofficial state motto is "Welcome to New Jersey, Now Go Home," so I've packed you a sack lunch with some Jersey Mike's Subs, and given the driver some cash for tolls on the Turnpike.

Have a safe trip, and remember our other unofficial state motto, "I didn't see nothing."
Get outta here, ya buncha mooks


Saturday, June 06, 2009

Tour d'Jersey Continues

Glad you're up early. Still lots to see while the tourbus is here in the Garden State.

First, we'll stop by the Exxon Refinery, in Linden, NJ
Do you have any idea how lucky we are to find this picture? Talk about coincidences. See the car on the right that looks like a Plymouth Duster? The date on this picture is about the time I drove a Plymouth Duster, and visited the Linden plant.
Weird, huh? But, no, it's not my Plymouth, because I went on a school bus. Yes, this was a class trip. We do things differently in Jersey. You may have gone to a museum, or a park. We went to an oil refinery. It's a Jersey thing. You wouldn't understand.

Yesterday, we visited Rutgers University, but New Jersey has another more famous University, Princeton.

Ivy Covered Walls and Everything
Einstein used to hang out in Princeton.

No visit to New Jersey would be complete without hitting the beach and shore resort area.
And my personal favorite place; Atlantic City, NJ.
Casinos, beaches, the fabulous boardwalk, cocktail waitresses world class dining, sub shops, top entertainment, and so much more.

At various shows, I've seen, Sha na na, Patti Labelle, Diana Ross, Arsenio Hall (before he sucked) various groups from the 50's and 60's and so many more.

That's enough NJ for today. I do need to give out the award for best caption, and it is made this week from 100% NJ Zucchini.

While Unfortunate names, Lola, Me-Me, Nonamed, Swirl Girl, The Queen, Kirsten, Quirky, Nooter, Reforming, Metal Crow, and Freak Smack all scored very well with the judges, just one point determined that the winner was
Mama always gets the last word, and the downwinds
by Lady Sarcasm

Thanks for another great contest.

And stop by tomorrow for our last day in the Jerseypolitan area as we explore some of the sports venues both here and very nearby.


Friday, June 05, 2009

Welcome to Downtown, New Jersey.


If you are part of the Humorbloggers Summer Road Trip, then I hope you have enjoyed the short trip from Pennsyltucky to here, my home in Downtown, New Jersey. If you are just hopping aboard the bus, you can take a few minutes to go check out what you missed. I'll wait.......

Ok, welcome back.

As you may have heard, New Jersey is the center of the known universe, so we'll spend a few days here, taking a couple of quick trips to such important landmarks like Yankee Stadium and the Rocky Statue in Philadelphia. See, I told you it was the center of the universe.

For today, I'll just give you a quick tour of the county and town where I live, and over the weekend, we'll make a few visits to the greater Jerseypolitan area.

First, a bit about New Jersey and its citizens.

New Jerseyans are among the friendliest people you'll ever meet. You may see some things like this:
Even if your name is Benny, pay no attention to the Benny Go Home signs, Tee shirts, bumper stickers, billboards, chants, graffitti and the like. It's hard to explain, this anti-Bennyistic activity, but it actually is a long story and well beyond the scope of this class in Jerseyana.

New Jersey is well known for its universities. I grew up right near

Queens College at Rutgers University
This part of the University was established in 1766.

I failed out many years ago, and following in my footsteps, the Spawn failed out a few years ago, too.

A number of very famous landmarks are in my town. For instance
This car has appeared in many magazines over the years. Every few years, the car rots out, and is replaced by a different blue car. The current model is a Tercel, replacing the old one that was a Renault.

Another kind of different thing here is this Photobucket
An Art Deco style phallic tribute to Thomas Edison. It was built on the spot where the light bulb was invented.

Stop by tomorrow, and we'll visit the shore, take in a ball game, and if we have time, tour an oil refining plant here in the Garden State.


Thursday, June 04, 2009

Joe Versus the Volcano

Were you expecting a movie review or some reference to that Tom Hanks movie of the same name? Nope, ain't happening here. That movie was fiction, while this post reeks of truthiness.

I eat very little fast food. Sure, the occasional pizza, but generally, I avoid those places. But every month or two, the commercials get to me, and we order something. Last month, it was the Wendy's Frosty with coffee mixed in (yeah, I'm a wild man.) This month, I saw Taco Bell has the Volcano Taco back. I remember having them before, and they were tasty and mildly hot. I bitched and complained nicely suggested to the Crotchety Old Lady to make a run for the border, and get me a couple tacos.

So, Monday night was Volcano Taco Night at Casa Crotchety. And all was good until Tuesday morning.

That is when the volcano struck!
Curse you, Taco Bell

Things have pretty much settled down, but we will choose a bit more carefully next month.

Does McDonald's have a prune McShake?


Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

More Fun with Side Effects

I watch a lot of TV, and because of that, I get to see a lot of commercials. I like the commercials, even though they may get to be repetitious.

A few years ago, my family went on a cruise, and one of the onboard activities was a trivia contest. The Spawn went with me to lend moral support. She was around 9, so she wasn't going to be much help, anyway.

They announced that the topic was commercials. Spawn looked at me and said, "Looks like you are going to win the contest, Dad."

It was a battle, and I tied with an ad executive, so we had to have some bonus questions.

Of course I kicked his butt. Commecials were how he made his living, but commercials were my life. I won some trophy that looked like the ship. Spawn immediately took it, and I never saw it again.

My favorite commercials are probably the medical products ones. I really enjoy the side effects and the disclaimers. They always advise everyone to let the doctor know about other meds, and medical conditions.

Seriously, if the doctor is such a doofus
I was absent that day in med school
that you need to make medication suggestions, shouldn't you consider another doctor?

I thought so.

But anyway, my new favorite commercial is for a sleep remedy. It has an awesome side effect: hallucinations.

There are people who pay big money for that effect in illegal drugs. And the best part? The commercial illustrates hallucinations by having a chicken show up at inappropriate times. That is one kick ass hallucination. I need to get that prescribed for me.


Monday, June 01, 2009

A Political Rant

I am getting called at least 2 or 3 times a day concerning the upcoming local primary election.

They are spending huge money to get elected to an office that pays almost nothing. Our Governor will be running later this year. Last time he spent like $60,000,000 of his own money to win an office that pays maybe (I'm too lazy to look it up) a quarter of a million.

Am I the only one who sees this as kind of screwed up?

I should run for office. It's not like I have much else to do.

That could be my campaign slogan. "Vote for Crotchety. He's got nothing better to do."