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Yep, I am so bored. Just check out my weekly schedule:
Monday, Wednesday and Friday --
3:00am Wake up in a pain induced stupor (result of Percocets and Ambien). Staff washes me becaused I am so dopey. I then breakfast and wait for transportation to dialysis.
5:00 to 10:00am Dialysis, where I entertain my fellow mates and the PYN's.
11:00am to Noon Watch Price Is Right.
Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday --
8:30am Wake up and have my lousy breakfast.
9:00 to 9:05am I wash myself. Can't take a shower yet.
9:05 to 9:45am Wash naughty bits with vigor -- hey, I said I was bored!
10:00am to Noon Work out in PT. Still can't stand alone.
Noon to Midnight N O T H I N G.
Now except for the daily wound dressing change or enema, I am not interrupted much, so give me a call. I promise to be funny, and since I am off most pain meds, I even make sense now and then. (908-222-5142).
http://www.humorbloggers.com
Showing posts with label physical therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label physical therapy. Show all posts
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 08, 2008
Miniature therapists and the magical medical wedgie
Warning: Adultish content, mild nudity, pornish thoughts
Classic posts from my diary
January 19 2007
Physical Therapy is more than facing challenges. It is learning to walk, or eat, or any of a myriad of activities of daily living all under the tutelage of a trained, highly skilled physical or occupational therapist (both interchangeably referred to as PT's hereafter.)
From my personal experience, a PT is a young woman who is, shall I say for lack of a better term, petite? How would you describe someone smaller than petite?
My current PT's are attractive Asian women, none taller than 5 foot nothing and who would, after a lumber-jacked sized meal and a soaking rain, barely tip the scales at 98 lbs.
This inherent cuteness is a great benefit to their job. Therapy hurts a lot, yet it is impossible to lash out at someone so adorable. Who could be so mean as to swat a pixie?
But PT's have learned to compensate for their tiny physique. I may tower over them, and weigh more than a squadron of them, but they use a method so insidious, so clever, that one must tip one's cap for their resourcefulness. A team of 2 or more PT's help me to get up and walk. One puts her hand on my shoulder or arm, while the other gives me a wedgie.
That time-tested favorite of grammar school bullies everywhere has now become a medical practice. I'm not exactly sure how pulling my shorts way up into my butt helps me to walk--who am I to argue with medical science--it must be admitted that it works. I put one foot in front of the other and hobble my way to recovery.
January 20, 2007
PT is full of triumphs and disappointments.
Yesterday I spent a few minutes tapping a balloon back and forth with the Occupational Therapist.
It made me wonder exactly what type of job was she preparing me to return to? Did she think I was a combination magician/animal balloon maker at Chucky Cheese?
Perhaps she thought I was a Special Olympics caliber volley ball professional or a circus clown.
Either way, I don't recall ever having a job (and I've had plenty of bad ones) where a balloon was used regularly.
Could she be subconciously suggesting to me that I seek a new career?
I put get a "how to make animal balloons" book on my list of things to do as soon as I get out of here. I should probably get a "how to juggle" book, too. I'll need something to do after I've made everyone a balloon poodle.
I mentioned disappointments, and I've had quite a few.
When my overly perky miniature PT suggested that she would get one of her cohorts and we would get in the shower, well, every post puberty fantasy raced through my head.
Of course, this mind movie was scored like a 70's porn flick.
Bwaaah, bwaah bwaaaah. Ooom pukka puuukkka.
Turns out all they wanted to do was watch me get out of my wheelchair, pivot, and then slide onto the shower bench, and then reverse the procedure.
But hope springs eternal. When she suggested that we get into bed, again, that same 70's soundtrack kicked in.
Bwaaah bwaaah bwaaaah. Ooom Pukka Puuukkkka.
We went into a seperate room with a standard issue hospital bed. She drew the curtains. I got into bed just as she asked. I rolled over when she said to.
Yeah!!
I wondered which of my buddies I was going to call first to tell them the old man still had it!!!
Then, in a sultry voice, she huskily whispered, "OK, now give it to me hard, big guy."
Wait, that was from my mental movie. What she actually said was, "Ok, now get your big butt out of bed if it isn't too hard."
**Sigh**
www.humorbloggers.com
Classic posts from my diary
January 19 2007
Physical Therapy is more than facing challenges. It is learning to walk, or eat, or any of a myriad of activities of daily living all under the tutelage of a trained, highly skilled physical or occupational therapist (both interchangeably referred to as PT's hereafter.)
From my personal experience, a PT is a young woman who is, shall I say for lack of a better term, petite? How would you describe someone smaller than petite?
My current PT's are attractive Asian women, none taller than 5 foot nothing and who would, after a lumber-jacked sized meal and a soaking rain, barely tip the scales at 98 lbs.
This inherent cuteness is a great benefit to their job. Therapy hurts a lot, yet it is impossible to lash out at someone so adorable. Who could be so mean as to swat a pixie?
But PT's have learned to compensate for their tiny physique. I may tower over them, and weigh more than a squadron of them, but they use a method so insidious, so clever, that one must tip one's cap for their resourcefulness. A team of 2 or more PT's help me to get up and walk. One puts her hand on my shoulder or arm, while the other gives me a wedgie.
That time-tested favorite of grammar school bullies everywhere has now become a medical practice. I'm not exactly sure how pulling my shorts way up into my butt helps me to walk--who am I to argue with medical science--it must be admitted that it works. I put one foot in front of the other and hobble my way to recovery.
January 20, 2007
PT is full of triumphs and disappointments.
Yesterday I spent a few minutes tapping a balloon back and forth with the Occupational Therapist.
It made me wonder exactly what type of job was she preparing me to return to? Did she think I was a combination magician/animal balloon maker at Chucky Cheese?
Perhaps she thought I was a Special Olympics caliber volley ball professional or a circus clown.
Either way, I don't recall ever having a job (and I've had plenty of bad ones) where a balloon was used regularly.
Could she be subconciously suggesting to me that I seek a new career?
I put get a "how to make animal balloons" book on my list of things to do as soon as I get out of here. I should probably get a "how to juggle" book, too. I'll need something to do after I've made everyone a balloon poodle.
I mentioned disappointments, and I've had quite a few.
When my overly perky miniature PT suggested that she would get one of her cohorts and we would get in the shower, well, every post puberty fantasy raced through my head.
Of course, this mind movie was scored like a 70's porn flick.
Bwaaah, bwaah bwaaaah. Ooom pukka puuukkka.
Turns out all they wanted to do was watch me get out of my wheelchair, pivot, and then slide onto the shower bench, and then reverse the procedure.
But hope springs eternal. When she suggested that we get into bed, again, that same 70's soundtrack kicked in.
Bwaaah bwaaah bwaaaah. Ooom Pukka Puuukkkka.
We went into a seperate room with a standard issue hospital bed. She drew the curtains. I got into bed just as she asked. I rolled over when she said to.
Yeah!!
I wondered which of my buddies I was going to call first to tell them the old man still had it!!!
Then, in a sultry voice, she huskily whispered, "OK, now give it to me hard, big guy."
Wait, that was from my mental movie. What she actually said was, "Ok, now get your big butt out of bed if it isn't too hard."
**Sigh**
www.humorbloggers.com
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