My Favorite Scammer Ever

I was sitting here watching The Price is Right minding my own business, when the phone rang. I have caller ID, so it was obvious that the call was either a telemarketer, or something equally exciting. I couldn't answer the phone quickly enough.

When I did, I heard someone with an accent, and lots of talking in the background. It was a call from a boiler room.

Jackpot!!!

Everyone knows I love a good telemarketer call, and this one had all the promise to be a great one. Read on for what may have been the greatest telemarketer scammer call I ever received. I only wish I had recorded it as it was so good, I hope I don't forget any of the nuances.

It started, as all good calls do, with the scammer asking for the Crotchety Old Lady. Actually, he asked for Frances, which is her name. This confuses most telemarketers as her name could be man or woman. Well, except for the fact FrancEs is traditionally the spelling for a woman, while FrancIs is usually a man. Ok, I can fogive that most aren't aware of that, so it's all good.

I told him she wasn't here. He then went on to tell me he was from the FTC, and I had been scammed. He gave me the name of the company that scammed me (or Frances, it didn't seem to matter to him.) And because he was from the FTC, he was going to replace all the money that was scammed, plus give me $25,000 insurance to be sure it wasn't going to happen again.

Woohoo! My government at work.

And, the best part is, I didn't need to send him any money. Nope, just give him my checking account number, and he would forward the money Frances was scammed. Oh wait, you're not Frances? No problem. We'll send the money you were scammed, because it turned out both you and Frances were each scammed out of $2,000 in 2002 by eVoice.

Good thing he called. Let me give you a bit of the dialog that followed between me and SG (Scammer Guy) after he asked for my checking or savings account so he could forward me all the money that had been scammed from me.

Me: But I don't have a checking account or savings account. Can you just send a check?

SG: No, the US Government doesn't send checks. They don't trust the mail. Anyone could just steal my check and cash it. (Nice to know the Fed doesn't trust the Postal Service or the banking industry)

Me: Ok, just give me your phone number and I'll call you back.

SG: No, there is no way for you to call me directly.

Me: The US Government doesn't have a phone number?

SG: I'm not from the government.

Me: But you told me you were from the Federal Trade Commission.

SG: Well, yes, but not the regular government.

Me: Oh. Ok, then just send me the check.

SG: Can you go and open a checking account so we can send you the money?

Me: No, I can't leave the house. It would be so much easier to just send me a check.

SG: Ok, let me check your information. Your name is Frances?

Me: No, I told you 10 minutes ago it wasn't.

SG: So, what is your name?

Me: Joe Ungatz. (this is my official fake name)

SG: Can you spell that.

Me: Of course I can.

SG: So, will you please.

Me: Sure. U-N-G-A-T-Z

SG: And your address is (he had my real address. This was a well prepared scammer)

Me: Great, so you can send me the check.

SG: No, direct deposit only.

Me: But I don't have an account.

SG: Ok, I'll have to call you tomorrow.

I am so looking forward to his call today. I'm trying to think of goofy stuff to ask him. Any suggestions will be considered.


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I'm being stalked

By my old cell phone company. In addition to daily emails, I also get phone calls on my home phone, and they are tricky.
The prompt says that if "You don't wish to hear from Trikphone any longer, press one." The prompt then says, "Welcome to Trikphone" and then starts to go into a spiel to hook me up with the phone service.

Bastages.

And I still get called a couple times a week about my timeshare.

"Would you like to sell if I can guarantee you a profit?"

No.

"Would you like to buy more time?"

So, that must mean someone is selling at a profit, which means I get ripped off, because I could just buy it from the original company (Wyndham Properties, which is doing quite well, BTW.)

If it weren't for telemarketers, no one calls, so I do look forward to hearing from them.

Any suggestions on how to mess with them?

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Crotchety 1 Telemarketers 0

I bought a timeshare in the last few months, which means every day I get a phone call asking if I’d like to sell it or buy more. And I can tell it’s the timeshare people because I have caller ID, and it’s always from a company like SwamplandinFlorida4U or EarfquakefreeCaliforniadeals. By the way, my timeshare is in NJ. Yeah, whenever I want to get away from the mundane in NJ, I just head to my timeshare unit in another part of NJ.

Don’t ask.

My beach house

The calls themselves are pretty funny. Nearly every one goes the same way.

“Hello, is this Mr. Frances?”

“Yes.”

“Hello, Mr. Frances, would you like to sell your timeshare if I could guarantee you a nice profit?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“But I can guarantee you a good profit.”

“I’m not interested.“

“Would you like to buy more time, then?”

And this is the conversation that takes place every day except Sunday. Most days, it happens twice.

Now, most people would not find this conversation all that funny. I do. Reason number one, I suppose is because no one here is named Mr. or Mrs. Frances. Mrs. Crotchety’s first name is Frances, and apparently every single timeshare company employee can not read a name off a deed. I find it hilarious that among the dozens of different callers, not one has gotten our name order correct.

Until today.

Phone rings, and I didn’t answer it, as I was napping (old people nap a lot.) A minute later, phone rings again. This time I picked it up because well, my nap was already interrupted.

“Hello, is Joseph there?” Already, I realized that I may be facing the smartest telemarketer ever. I was on full alert.

“Yes, it’s me. What do you want?” I asked craftily.

“I’m returning your call.” Hmm. A new tact. I’m impressed.

“I never called you,” I countered, weakly.

“Sure, I called and left you a message, and you are returning my call.” Wow, this one is good. I clutch my checkbook more tightly. A slight sweat formed on my brow.

Quick check, and I realized she didn’t leave a message, and and she had almost convinced me that I just called her . Diabolical. She is trying to take advantage of my addled brain. But I was at the top of my game.

“No, I didn’t.” My quick wit was really kicking in, obviously.

“No, you called me,” Sally asserted. Sally was the smartest and most devious telemarketer ever. I was so impressed.

Finally, I reached down deep, and came up with the ultimate reply.

“No, I didn’t call you.”

She was beaten. I could hear the unhappiness in her voice when she realized she had tangled with the world’s greatest destroyer of telemarketers.


In a voice with just a tinge of meekness, she whispered, “Would you like to sell your timeshare if I could guarantee you a good price?”





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Getting to Know You

I’ve noticed several blogs where the authors have been answering questions about themselves. Some are in response to real questions, and some are in anticipation of questions.

Since I haven’t had an original thought since the early 1990’s, I thought I’d just follow along. Yup, if all my friends jumped off a bridge, I’d do it, too. I’m a freakin’ lemming.

So I’m about to answer that burning question that I am sure my gentle readers have. But first, if you have a burning sensation, may I suggest:


On to the big question: What do I do all day?

I sit on the couch watching Comedy Central and either read blogs (about 50 or more per day) write blogs, and visit 3 other chatboards. I was tested a few years ago, and I read between 1500 and 2000 words per minute, depending on content, so I really do get to a lot of blogs.

And I talk to telemarketers. Oh yeah, you know all those telephone survey results that you read about, and you always wonder, “Exactly who gives all those stupid answers? What type of idiot do they interview? Who even has time for all that nonsense? Do they interview socially maladjusted shut-ins?”

Guess who always takes those calls?



My absolute favorite thing to do is to have a telemarketer just give up.

I’ve done that a few times.

Here’s what works to really mess with a telemarketer’s head: agree to everything. At some point, the telemarketer will ask for money. This is where you try to borrow it from him. Convince the telemarketer that the deal sounds so great to you, and you are ready to move, if he could only spot you the cash.



Lastly, Doodle Week is coming. I have a badge for it over on the side.

More information is available here: http://stickfiguregrrl.blogspot.com/

But here’s my dilemma

Not only do I want to participate in the biggest Doodle event in the history of the blogosphere , but I, sadly, have no talent.

I have created 2 incredibly mediocre stick figure doodles. They pretty much suck. Any ideas on how to make them, I don’t know, not suck so much?


Sucky drawing #1


Sucky drawing #2

Advice welcome.

Coming soon: Someone very special is having a birthday. Be prepared for a huge party right here. Try to guess whose birthday it will be.



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