Monday, April 27, 2009

I Figured It Out

No, not the meaning of life, but what I need to do with all my free time. I'm going to become an inventor, and have Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan promote it.

I saw Pitchmen today on Discovery and that is what they are good at doing. They pitch inventions.
So, here is where you can help out. I'm now an inventor, and my job is to make stuff to make life easier. I sit on my couch all day watching TV and finding stuff for the Crotchety Old Lady to do.

She already has a state of the art snow shovel, a new router to receive my suggestions my notes of appreciation, and a nice lawn mower, so she's pretty flush. Can't imagine anything to make her life any easier.

So, what challenges do you face? I'll invent something to make your life easy just as I did for the Crotchety Old Lady.

I promise to share royalties, or at least to send you a free Shamwow or some Oxyclean.


Shawn said...

I find that every time I buy meat from the grocery store, I put it in the cabinet and it winds up going bad within a few hours!

Please invent something to keep my ground beef cool so it'll last longer.

Me-Me King said...

I seem to misplace items throughout the day. It would make my life much easier if I could keep up with my keys, glasses, bottle water, etc. Thank you!

Unknown said...

You're all heart, Crotchety!

Janna said...

Can you invent a cat that scoops its own poop and bags it up and throws it away in the appropriate receptacle and vacuums up any spilled litter and deodorizes any unfortunate carpet accidents?

Or, failing that, can you at least invent a deodorant that smells like grapefruit?

I like grapefruit.

jana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jana said...

Huh. Mock if you want, but OxyClean rocks!

Good luck with an invention... maybe a shedless dog... or self-washing dishes.

Unknown said...

hmmmmmmmm If you could, a money tree would be SWEET! That would solve 98.2% of my problems.

Marie said...

Not to deprive the Mrs., but maybe you could invent something for that poor sap who is clearly dying his hair AND his beard.

That has to be time consuming.

ReformingGeek said...

I'm still waiting on the transporter.

Get busy, Crotchety!

DouglasDyer said...

I'd like a beer that you can't smell on your breath. Every day after lunch my boss is all, "You smell like a brewery!"

Donnie said...

Don't tell Billy, but I think I would kind of like a Slap Chopper...
I lost respect for B.M. when he chickened out putting his hand under the car tire in the first episode. What a wienie!

Anonymous said...

Mr Tiggy keeps referring to a 'Sham-Wahhh'. I assume it's a high-end Shamwow for people too embarrassed to buy Vince's miracle cloth. It sounds mysterious and French (and you know how the French make good st... oh, maybe not).

Could you invent a ShamWahhh, and perhaps get someone posh like Stephen Fry to sell it?

Moooooog35 said...

Invent a way for my blog to make money so I don't have to worry about writing it while I'm at work.

Thanks in advance.

Porn is definitely an option if all else fails.

Paul Eilers said...

On a regular basis, my wife cannot find her cell phone. We need to come up with somethin' that will help women like her.

That invention along, could make us millions! I say millions!

(Evil laugh) Ha! Ha! Ha!


Eat Well. Live Well.

Chris said...

The opposite of a microwave oven...the microwave freezer. Ice cubes in one minute. Chill the warm beer in seconds!

Sandee said...

I think you need to invent the perfect woman's accessory. A remote control that will zap lazy husbands thousands and thousands of miles away. Yes, that would be something Mrs. Crotchety would love to have. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day Crotchety. :)

Jen said...

I'd like the flying cars we were all promised 40 years ago.

Towels that find their way from the floor to the rack would be nice.

Self loading dishwasher.

Food that cooks itself.

Sheets that never need laundering, clothes for that matter.

Hell, I just need a maid.

brokenteepee said...

Oooh, can you invent something that will get rid of Abby? I would like that very much. Although the male person calls that "the butcher" maybe you can invent something for me.

Squidsquirts said...

You'll need a good patent lawyer: I just ordered a certificate from Degrees-R-Us online, so, if partnership in sloth is what you require, let me know, and I'll eventually get back to you.

RE Ausetkmt said...

my invention is a womans dream tool; and a mans necessity.

can you invent an " Auto Seat Dropper" this gadget could automatically relower the seat on the toilet, when a man flushes after use; how you get it up, let the man do that part; since you seem to have that already figured out okay.

you could probably get billions from the female market alone.

yikes, on second thought, maybe I need to make this baby myself.


A New Yorker said...

I can't tell you the item I want. LOL

nonamedufus said...

I need you to invent a thing that my wife could put all her clothes and shoes in. What? Waddaya mean it's called a "closet"? I don't think she's ever heard of it. Could you tell her? Uh, um, please sign this Anonymous.

Unknown said...

Hm... I could use something that automatically weeds my back yard. It seems I turn around, and suddenly there are all these weeds that weren't there before.

This would free me up for more blogging.

I bet you could invent the heck outta something for this.

Judy said...

I would like you to invent a magical knife that wouldn't hurt, so I can carve out a new body from this very old, saggy, fat one. Pleez?

Nooter said...

wish you could invent a snak dispenser that hooks up to my computer so when people visit my blog they could click a button and a snak would drop out, oh that would be so great!

Lin said...

Hey, my brother had one of those Popeil (sp?)pocket fishermen thingys. Didn't the Popeil guy come first??

Da Old Man said...

@ Shawn: That sounds like one of the results of global warming. I need to solve that, too.

@ Me-Me: I am working on that right now.

@ Sherry: Thanks

@ Janna: Better yet, I will invent a line of kitty toilets.

@ SpeakDog: Isn't that what Dixie makes, already?

@ Dizz: That would be sweet.

@ Marie: I'm sure Billy is coming out with a line of beard paint.

@ Reforming: These things take time. I'm modifying a 1976 AMC Pacer to do so.

@ Douglas: Odorless beer would be pretty practical. Or you could switch to vodka.

@ Don: Yeah, and in another episode he wouldn't agree to get welded inside a steel box. What a pussy.

@ Tiggy: But the Shamwow is already the greatest invention ever.

@ Moooooog: You and me both.

@ Paul: I have seen something that would do that. I'll post it in a follow up blog post.

@ Chris: Finally, something practical!

@ Sandee: That would just be mean.

@ Jen: Sheets launder themselves? Food that cooks itself? You need a Crotchety Old Lady. She does all that stuff and more.

@ Pricilla: Abby seems so sweet, though.

@ Husbands: I'll get in touch with you as soon as I get the inventions "Billy Mays" ready.

@ RE: That is doable.

@ Lauren: Some Mommybloggers are having a giveaway

@ Nonamed: Those are like potato chips. Women keep wanting more.

@ Jenn: Easy enough. In my old 'hood, the old ladies used to go into the fields and pick all the weeds to make a tasty salad. All I need to do is put a small bottle of oil and vinegar in the yard.

@ Judy: That could be a big money maker, too.

@ Nooter: Liver or bacon?

Da Old Man said...

@ Lin: Ron Popeil has been around forever.