Thursday, November 06, 2008

Things I wonder about

Everyone knows I don't always think like the rest of youse.

For example, I just saw a commercial where they stated that 85% of people suffer with hemorhoids. Do the rest just enjoy them? Those are the types of things that I ponder.
Yes, I have a lot of free time think deep thoughts.

And that reminded me of my colonoscopy I had about a year or so ago. They had no idea what was wrong with me, I kept throwing up. So, one of the doctors got the idea to shove a camera attached to a 50 foot long cable up my butt. I would really like to know how they came up with that. I am far from an expert in the workings of the human body, but oy. Can you imagine that meeting?

Dr 1. Crotchety keeps throwing up.
Dr. 2. Did you give him any type of medicine?
Dr 1. Yes, and he just kept throwing up.
Dr 2. How about a blood transfusion?
Dr 1. Done. And he still keeps throwing up.
Dr 2. Hmmm. How much insurance does he have left?
Dr 1. 2 days.
Dr 2. Hmmm
Dr 1. Hmmm
Dr 2. Is that a new Nikon you have there?
Dr 1. Why yes it is, right next to the 50' spool of cable.
Dr 2. Let's put it up his butt and take pictures.
Dr 1. Ha ha ha.

The doctors did not find anything, I stopped throwing up, but I did have a really unusual Christmas card to send out that year.


Official 100% True (you can look it up)
Greenland Fact of the Day

Country Name
conventional short form: Greenland


Kirsten said...

Oh! It's so cute!
I find that sticking a camera up my butt is a pretty good cure all.

eve cleveland said...

Old Man,
Are you sure my keys was not in there, Hon? That's the last place I remember seein' em...

Chelle Blögger said...

Ok, so um, yeah.

What exactly is that on that card, Joe?? Hmmm??

Unknown said...

Oh man I had one of them. I wasn't puking though, I just had the back door trots like nobody's bidness. I was upset though, I did not get any pictures. They would have matched the ones from my stomach.

Chat Blanc said...

yeah, so I learned two things, 1. I'm never going to the doctor because I'm throwing up, and 2. I really don't want to be on your Christmas card list! :D

A New Yorker said...

Well I'm glad I wasn't on your Xmas card list last year. :-D

Unknown said...

Sung to the Christmas Carol, "Up on the Roof Top"...

"Up in the lab room, the doctors pause
Prepping meds and lots of gauze
Up thru the colon the cameras see
All through Joe's Colonoscopy!

Ho, ho, ho!
Poor ol' Joe!
Ho, ho, ho!
Poor ol' Joe!

Up on the table
Push, push, push
There goes the camera
Up Joe's tush

First comes the corn
And then the peas
Ah, and what is THIS--
Eve's keys?

Ho, ho, ho!
Poor ol' Joe!
Ho, ho, ho!
Poor ol' Joe!

Anonymous said...

Doctors enjoy shoving things up their patients' assess. It's a perk of the job!

Donnie said...

Nice card. Who's that asshole in the middle???

Designing Hilary said...

Dude ... you gotta put a warning at the very TOP of your blog:

CAUTION: Swallow all liquid before proceeding. Blog Owner will not be held responsible for a sticky screen or ruined keyboard.

Da Old Man said...

@ Kirsten: It is a medical miracle

@ Eve: I'll have the doctors check again

@ Offended: Just don't ever count backwards from 10 in the hospital

@ Etta: They never found out why I was puking either. I just stopped on my own. And whenever anyone tries to take my picture, my butt cheeks squeeze.

@ Chat: But I had such a special card planned for this year.

@ Lauren: I thought it was kind of festive.

@ Jenn: If only Ray Coniff were still around...

@ Tiggy: They need to have some laughs, too

@ Don: It's my family holiday portait.

Anonymous said...

Enough about your innards...Where is the "Greenland Fact of the Day!" ?

Da Old Man said...

@ Hilary: Dell pays me a finders fee for every computer ruined.

@ Anon: It's right there

Anonymous said... that doctor musta really took a shine to you Joe, eh?!! hehehe

Erm, very creative Christmas card -- I'm sure your friends and family were thrilled. :D

Da Old Man said...

@ Lux: Glad you liked it

@ Angie: Yeah, they keep the cards so they can remember what happened at the hospital that year. Better than a journal

Unknown said...

I'm not sure what made me laugh more... this post or Jenn's jingle.

Da Old Man said...

@ Shadow: The song was classic. Should be available on K-Tel in time for Christmas

Anonymous said...

Yuck. I've got ulcerative colitis, you know. Got a lot of photos like that.

Hmm. Might have to make a Christmas card of my own...

Lipstick said...

LMAO about the possible 15% enjoying hemorrhoids!

Da Old Man said...

@ The Hawg: We should be on each other's Christmas card list

@ Lipstick: I can only assume.