Monday, July 20, 2009

10 Things I've Learned

I've learned a few things recently and decided to share them with you.

1. When a person with a sharp instrument is about to poke you, and announces "You may feel a little pinch," or "Bee sting" they have never been pinched or stung by a bee.

2. Pooping at an 87 degree angle in a bedpan, occasionally produces messes. No need to test this yourself.

3. Wedgies are an effective method to get old fat men out of a wheelchair.

4. "I'll be right there" is a relative term in the hospital. It ranges from 3 minutes to nearly a half hour.

5. Spongebaths from Nurse Heather -- good. Those from Nurse Dave -- not so much.

6. Brazilians are a good look for porn stars and bikini models. On old fat men they aren't. They make the cute nurses look at your "junk" and giggle. And they itch when growing in.

7. Hospital kitchen staff can't cope with "different". If there is a request for hot or cold tea with no sugar or artificial sweetener, they lose their minds. They will send either "diet" tea (blech) or 12 packs of the pink stuff. Also foods exist there that are nowhere else. I just had grape flavored jelly. Completely grape-free.

8. The nicer a person in a lab coat acts the greater the odds that they will do something painful to you.

9. If you refuse to do something, no matter how logical it is to refuse, you will be labeled "non compliant." And spat upon.
Ok, not really spat upon, but shunned. And given only green jell-o.

10. Fellow bloggers are some of the kindest people on earth.

I have received phone calls from Quirky, Lobo,
Secondary Roads
I know there were more but the stroke kind of killed part of my brain and I really can't remember right now. But for every call, I am extremely grateful.
And, of course, I'd like to thank Janna for the hilarious get well card.

I'll never forget the blog posts by Ettarose, Nanny Goats in Panties, Nonamedufus, and others and the well wishes from all my blogger friends. It all meant so much during a very dark time.

I'll do my best to get back to humorblogging without that hospital smell.


surveygirl46 said... were definitely in the hospital alright...glad you're doing better and they didn't remove that wonderful sense of humor:)

Janna said...

Yay! I'm so glad you got the card. :)

Sorry to hear about the wedgies and the grape-free grape jelly and the bedpan adventures.

Feel free to send Nurse Dave my way.

Anonymous said...

Aw DOM! We lurve ya! And care about ya! We couldn't just sit back and wait and see!

Well I couldn't but I'm hyper that way.


Only you could find the funny about bed pan messes.

hee hee

Kelly Ann said...

Qster is right we love ya old man. Tell them to rub some pit stick on the aftermath of the Brazilian, seriously helps with soothin the irritation should there be any.. lol

Unknown said...

Okay, you finally got to me. It was the part about having to poop in a bedpan that did it. Not that this means that I am going to start showing you some respect, but I do have a tear in my eye right now. Hey, even a Giants fan should not be subjected to such an indignity!

Anonymous said...

So glad you're better! And loved this post - hilarious and heart felt. Yey you!


Da Old Man said...

@ Surveygirl: I was in two different ones. They both sucked.

@ Janna: Thanks again. It brightened my day.

@ Quirky: Your calls really cheered me up. Thanks. How's my couch fund coming?

@ Lady Sarcasm: Plenty of irritation.

@ FishHawk: Bedpans suck. And are cold.

@ Anna: Thanks.

A New Yorker said...

I'm purposely not calling you. You have way too much to handle right now. Just get well.

shyne said...

It's so good to see you laugh, COM!
And, it's great to have you posting again....hope it's from home soon.

You take care and GET WELL!

Mike said...

Crotchety, #6 is because the ratio of fat to penis and bald makes your junk look baby small.

That's what the giggling is about.

Next time that happens you give a little hip thrust and smack them in the face with your junk. That'll show em.

nonamedufus said...

DOM, I'm happy to see that throughout this whole ordeal you haven't lost your touch. You are a funny guy. Good luck with a smooth recovery.

ReformingGeek said...

I need to call you and give you a taste of a real southern drawl, not the fake ones you hear on TV. But part of me is afraid to let you hear me talk!

I love the comment about the hospital food not existing anywhere else. That is SO true!

Keep getting better!

Soapier said...

Glad you're doing better, Joe. Get home soon!

Kate said...

SO glad you're back on track. Love the list.

Anne said...

So glad that you are back. You have managed to maintain your sense of comedy with everything you have been through (I would lose my sense of humor for the Brazilian alone). I hope the new place is taking good care of you.

Sandee said...

I'm thrilled that you're feeling better. I do wish you would quit talking about that Brazilian though. It's making me kind of nauseous. Just saying.

Have a terrific day Crotchety. :)

Anonymous said...

Re: the Brazilian. Now you know how girls have to suffer. *itch itch*.

Take care, keep away from those pointy stabby things!

brokenteepee said...

I am so glad you are feeling better - at least mentally and comedically. You keep working on physically. Otherwise I AM going to send Abby back there to butt you!

Goat hugs.

Chris said...

Glad to see that the biting sarcasm has returned and that you're doing better. We've missed you!

Unknown said...

Those things are so funny and SO familiar. Before the love of my life(The Dawg) died three weeks ago, we spent a lot of time in two different hospitals off-and-on during several months. I wasn't as funny writing about it as you are, but I certainly recognize those things!! Hope you're getting along okay!

Gianetta said...

I spoke to you when I was on vacation a few weeks back, you told me to be on 35 black at the roulette table...I made 75 bucks! (and, I'm not sharing) Glad you are feeling better.

Donnie said...

Don't worry about the hospital smell. Just having you blogging again is great.
...and you are completely right about the non-compliant thing. When they tell you to use the urinal, they mean the little plastic thing. If you get up like normal to use a real urinal-NON Compliant!!!

linlah said...

I'm thinking the rest of your followers won't care about the hospital smell. I know I don't.

Da Old Man said...

@ Lauren: Once I'm done with PT on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have nothing to do.

@ Shyne: I hope so, too.

@ Mike: That'll learn them

@ Nonamed: Thanks

@ Reforming: They served me pasta with meat sauce today. It was ground beef, no tomatoes.

@ Soapier: I'm doing my best.

@ Kate: Thanks.

@ Anne: They do pretty well.

@ Sandee: At least there were no pictures.

@ Tiggy: I was stabbed enough in the hospital, I avoid them now.

@ Pricilla: Abby doesn't need to; the PT dept is filling in nicely.

@ Chris: Doing much better, thanks.

@ Sherry: I'm sorry about your loss. Sometimes it's hard to find humor for the pain.

@ MA Fat Woman: I remember the call now. I'm glad you won.

@ Don: The urinal is not so bad. The little pink bedpan sucks.

@ Linlah: True, but I have a lot of other things to ramble on about

Anonymous said...

We all told you it would itch!

I was in the hospital for a week and never ate a bit of their food and they never noticed. But the nurses wrote on my chart that I was a very nice patient....

Get weller and weller sooner and soonest

Eric said...

Good tips, but I would caution to remember that people should be working for their lives, not living for their work.

HawgWyld said...

Great. Just great. I kind of wander around outside of the blogosphere for awhile and Crotchety has a stroke! Man, that kind of crap just can't happen.

You take care of yourself.

The Natural State Hawg

Kirsten said...

I'm so glad you're back! I'm sorry things have been so tough!! It builds character, right? ;)

I'm happy to know that your sense of humor is still healthy!!

God bless

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

It's so good to hear from you.

Did the green jello have no grapes either?


Also? Brussell Sprout jello is NOT brussell-sprout-free. Just a tip from me to you.

Love your list.

Do you have access to hospital WiFi now? Or did you escape?

LL said...

Good to know on the bedpan thing...

But I'm confused... are there really grapes in grape jelly? I thought it was just that purple sugary crap...

Da Old Man said...

@ Grace: I try to avoid as much of the food as I can. I order mostly hamburgers.

@ Eric: True

@ The Natural State Hawg: Yes, it's become a mess.

@ Kirsten: My character is now like an Olympic athlete.

@ Nanny Goats: I have rehab wifi.
Green jell-o has nothing that was ever a part of nature.

@ LL: Yes, grape jelly is made from grapes. Unless it is grape-free.

Moooooog35 said...

I always try pooping at 87 degree angles just to add an extra degree of difficulty.

Nothing was ever gained without taking risks, my friend.

Except, maybe, a ton of poo on the floor.

Unknown said...

wedgie with the brazilian. good times. :)

your in my thoughts!

Metallman said...

Hey there. Wish you to a speedy recovery. As for the jello, I've learned that the ones in the hospital come in one flavor (blah) yet in many colors. I think it's to deceive us... Damn bastards... lol

Unknown said...

It's wonderful to have you back, Crotchety!

The wedgie technique, by the way... classic-- seen it done on television! (Not that they teach classes on cable, or anything... though they should.)

May your day be wedgie-free.

LOBO said...

So are you home yet? Are things improved at all? I'm kinda blown away you remembered ... you really sounded like a sufferin' pup when I caught you.

But like surverygirl46, I'm glad the sense of humor survived!


Deb said...

I called you the other day but I thought it was a woman that answered, so I hung up. Now that you've explained the wedgie thing, I guess it was you after all.

Not much you can do about pooping at an angle, but you can try writing your name on those acoustic ceiling tiles next time you have to pee.

D.S. said...

I like green jello, I don't see why everybody has to bad mouth it all the time... glad to see you're getting better. Take care.

Swirl Girl said...

It sounds as though your funny bone hasn't suffered a bit !

Glad you feeling better!

Kate Rawlins said...

You're back - wonderful! FYI - recovery is one step forward but two steps back.

Da Old Man said...

@ moooooog: Anyone can poop using gravity

@ Stacie: Gives the wedgie a bit of extra ooommmph

@ Metallman: They have managed to take the flavor out of most foods.

@ Jenn: I can get up without wedgies. Yay!!!!!

@ Lobo: Since the mini stroke, my voice always sounds that way. It will be a week or two until I come home.

@ Deb: It may have been me.

@ D.S.: You're the one who likes green jell-o? You can have all mine.

@ Swirl Girl: Thanks. I'm getting stronger every day.

@ Kate Rawlins: It sure feels that way.