Monday, September 29, 2008

More Hospital Stories

Everyone loves a good "Crotchety in the hospital" story. And of course, the more humiliating, the more youse seem to enjoy it.

So, there I am, laying in bed, watching The Price Is Right, and in pops an official looking woman of unknown ethnicity. She is dragging a rather large piece of equipment behind her and has some other frightening looking apparatus with her.

Immediately, she indicates that I need to expose my naughty bits so she can rub this large machine over them.

I'm intrigued, yet concerned.

It's been well documented that I can be what may be described as "Non-compliant." But I have good reasons. I swear, those wacky hospital personnel will kill you if you're not careful. So, naturally, I ask why she needs to rub this probe type thing from the large machine on my naughty bits. She explains that it won't touch them


Naturally, I want to know why I'm being tested. She needs to check my bladder. So, basically, I get jabbed with this probe thing while she reads the results on the machine. Turns out it was fine. So, she packs up everything, including what looks like a 50' garden hose.

"So, what's with the garden hose?"

Oh, that's for your catherization.Photobucket

But everything seemed perfect. She told me that she would be back.

I was worried now. Photobucket

The next day, during Price is Right, there she was again, with her huge machine and the garden hose. Again, everything was fine.

Next day, same routine, but by now I'm starting to get annoyed, and the garden hose is looking even bigger. So, I ask her why is she checking my bladder every day?

She said it was to make sure I was urinating.

So, me, ever the diplomat, said, "Wouldn't those huge bottles of golden yellow liquid I'm filling every day give you a f'ing clue?"

So, for the rest of my couple weeks, she would drag machine and the garden hose to my door, I would yell at her, and she would go on her way. And I got written up as non complant again. Photobucket

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They enjoy having garden hoses shoved in their naughty bits at:


lot 2 learn said...

I think I would take the non-compliant report before the alternative with the hose. Great post today, it made me smile

Janna said...

So, wait...
First she says she just needs to wave the machine over you like a scanner or something, tells you it "won't even touch" you...
And then you actually get jabbed with a probe?
To me, the word "jabbed" kinda implies that the thing did indeed touch you.
So did she lie? Am I mis-reading the story?

And, most importantly, did you threaten to demonstrate your exemplary urination skills by peeing all over her nice new uniform, just to prove that you do, in fact, have the ability?

If not, that's something to think about for next time.

Rubba said...

Thank god you didn't need a colonoscopy . . . 8-O


TheFLy said...

Sounds like all you need to do to get you to expose your naughty bits and fondle you is look official. For all you knew, she could have been some crazy woman that stalked hospitals just to touch old man balls, haha.

A New Yorker said...

As someone with a good amount of experiences with doctors both as patient and "healthcare worker" I can tell you that you have good reason to watch out for yourself and speak up for yourself too. Heck if it were me I might have peed ON HER after a while.

Bill said...

She's probably a reader of this blog and figures you're full of piss and vinegar. :>)

Chat Blanc said...

they'd rather charge you for the use of a big machine than take the old-fashioned FREE route. figures, that sounds like their brand of evil ungenius.

GumbyTheCat said...

That wasn't a bladder testing machine, that's the machine they use to punish the non-compliant. If you'd just behave yourself...

Unknown said...

Because somewhere there's a form that tells her to use tools and not logic, I guess. :) And once again our hero, poor Crotchety, gets goosed by the great hose o'humiliation.

shyne said...

Awwww, crotchety!
Don't you know the first rule of every hospital is to take away all dignity from patients asap?

LOL, that's a very real possibility!

Da Old Man said...

@ lot2learn: As did I.

@ Janna: I got jabbed with the probe thing. I probably should have done that. lol

@ rubba: Thye would knock me out for that, which really cuts into my Price is Right time.

@ The Fly: Could have been some weird fetishist

@ Lauren: I probably should have done that

@ Bill: Never thought of that.

@ Chat: Yup, and I'm sure they charged for me to yell at her when she was at the door, too.

@ Gumby: I thought that was why they do colonoscopies

@ Jenn: I'm going touse "The great hose o'humilation" in a future post. I've had a lot of things, humiliating things, done to me in hospitals

@ Shyne: Yeah, those gowns don't exactly flatter my doughy physique.

Bradley said...

I'm kind of afraid to admit it, but this story got me kind of aroused.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for questioning the procedure. You've got to question everything. I had to remind my doctor to take my blood pressure--she just forgot during a routine physical checkup.

Da Old Man said...

@ Bradley: It was a moving post? (cheap, veiled Seinfeld reference)

@ Plant: Got to do it. Who knows what they'll do otherwise.

Kirsten said...

A garden hose for a catheter? Ouch!!! That's a mean, mean hospital.

Da Old Man said...

@ Kirtsen: True dat :(

This Brazen Teacher said...

Oh lord. That story was lovely.

Anonymous said...

I swear that if the instructions said to "strangle patient with a coat hanger" someone would be coming through the door with a wire one.

Da Old Man said...

@ Brazen: Thanks :)

@ Dana: Yup, logic often is set aside.

Anonymous said...

Non-Compliance Saves Lives. It's sad but true.

'wouldn't those huge bottles full of golden liquid give you a clue"! LOLOLOLOL!!!

Alicia aka "Fashiona" said...

hmm... the hose does seem a bit scary

Da Old Man said...

@ jay: Yes it does. :)

@ Alicia: Very