Saturday, May 02, 2009

Flu Update

The flu danger level continues to rise.

Yesterday, your reporter revealed that it has reached "Holy crap, we are all going to die" level, so we can only assume that you are one of the few remaining survivors.

As such, you are getting one of the greatest opportunities ever. Crotchety Old Man Flu Fighters, a division of our World Wide HeadQuarters and Discount House of Worship, is offering a complete line of prophylactic products to prevent the Swine/Avian Flu hybrid also known as the H1N1.463 double play.

We have something for every budget.

For those who want the very best and to protect the entire family, we recommend
A Biodome

But not everyone has the cash for such a purchase, yet they still want to be safe, so we offer high fashion hazmat suits in designer colors
Perfect for work or play

If you are more the traditionalist, there is, of course, the "Classic Bubble Boy"

But times are hard. Lots of good folks are out of work. So, for the truly budget conscious, we offer
Safety at a Discount

Order today. Operators are standing by.


A New Yorker said...

Hey I could do the bubble wrap. I have some left over from wrapping my mother's present. Great idea. THANKS!

Winky Twinky said...

LLLLOLOLOLLLL.... You aren't right...... you know that don'tcha... but then again, I'd probably never go for less than bubble wrap... I LOVE bubble wrap.......

Adullamite said...

Fabulous post!

HR Diva said...

Does the hazmat suit come in purple,,,LOL

Squidsquirts said...

Hey, you survived the Great Flu of 1916, so maybe you have a good immune system. Unless you aren't THAT old...

Kelly Ann said...

I've always wanted my own bubble and colorful hazmat suit! :)

Anonymous said...

I like the bubble wrap too, and didn't realize you had a Discount House of Worship. How much will it cost me for a prayer against this thing?

Donnie said...

I heard on t.v. the other day that docs are saying those face mask don't work... This morning another doctor on t.v. was telling everyone to basically use all of those mask for toilet paper. That was their value against the pig flu. Now I know we are going to die! I'm going to have another cup of coffee first.

Joanie said...

If my ex shows up here any time soon, I may have to resort to one of these measures. He's coming home from vacationing in Mexico today. stupid ass.

Judy said...

Hey--I tried that bubble wrap thingie back in 1976--almost killed one of the kids when I tied the neck tie too tight...but at least he wasn't breathing in deadly germs.

ReformingGeek said...

What's the number? What's the number? I've got the phone in my hand.

Ha! Did you fall for that?

Anyway, my cat was all excited about popping that bubble wrap.

Yeah. I know. It doesn't take much to amuse me.

Da Old Man said...

@ Lauren: You are welcome

@ Winky: I know I'm slightly off.

@ Adullamite: Thanks

@ HR Diva: Sure :)

@ Husbands: There have been so many over the years, I tend to forget

@ Lady Sarcasm: We are having a sale right now. Stock up and save

@ Unfinished: We work on donations. Usually EC credits or HBDC ones.

@ Don: Better have 2 cups. Makes for a better last meal

@ Joanie: Have him wear the bubble wrap.

@ Judy: Those germs would have been worse.

Da Old Man said...

@ Reforming: After we survive the pandemic disaster, the cat can pop all the bubbles.

Mrs4444 said...

Very funny! :) I especially loved your intro.

Anonymous said...

What a shame.

If we are all going to die anyway, why waste bubble wrap.

That would be a shame.

Unknown said...

Do you accept checks?

brokenteepee said...

What no duct tape for your windows ie: FEMA?
Doesn't that cure everything?

I think the green bio suit would look good against my fur....

Carl said...

"Hello? Good morning, Helga. I'd like to order two SEE-THRU hazmat suits for my next door neighbors. I think they will look fabulous in them."

Da Old Man said...

@ Mrs 4444: Thanks

@ Quirky: So true. Bubble wrap should never be wasted.

@ FishHawk: Cash, checks, Discover, and stamps.

@ Pricilla: You must be protected most of all. We don't need swine/bird/goat flu.

Da Old Man said...

@ Carl: Taking advantage of our specials, I see. Helga will be right back with you.

Kirsten said...

Thank God someone is offering practical ways to deal with this situation!

Moonrayvenne said...

The bubble wrap is a color-your-own product. Each bubble can be a different color. I'd use the good-smelling markers, too. That way you can get a nice buzz before death if the bubble wrap doesn't work!

Janna said...

Can my biodome be pretty designer colors too?

I was thinking maybe blue and green, with hand-painted roses and stargazer lilies.

(...pause...)I can't stop looking at that picture of the boy in the bubble with the toilet paper; wondering how he could possibly sit on the toilet and wipe his butt.

Da Old Man said...

@ Kirsten: Someone had to come forward.

@ Collette: I'll let the operators know that, too. Thanks

@ Janna: I need to order a case of markers, so it will cost a buit extra.
I have no idea how he handles that "bidness."
I'll leave you to ponder it further.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

boo to swine flu

Unknown said...

Crotchety, I can only assume you and the Mrs. were your own first customers right? The way you fall out of doorways you would catch the flu. The bubblewrap could of course protect you if (when)you fall and stop the flu at the same time.

Creative Junkie said...

I would like the hazmat suit in polka dot, please.

Lin said...

This afternoon I noticed that we are at a new direction in the media: "The don't freak out peons, it was never as bad as we were saying" level. Ask me why I don't watch the news anymore.


Hahahaha, the bubble wrap is sooooo win-riffic.

I must make me a bubblewrap suit now.

Smoothoperator said...

Great post...I love your blog!! Please visit mine

Mellowzone.blogspot.commaybe we can link to each other.

anyways, please keep the posts coming!!

Da Old Man said...

@ Self: Swine Flu is going down!

@ Etta: I need to completely wrap myself in bubble wrap to prevent injury and germs.

@ Creative: Special orders are no problem.

@ Lin: Thanks to the good folks at COMHQDHW. We have nearly eliminated the disease. You are welcome.

@ Bitter: PLans are available online.

@ Smooth: Thanks

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'd do the bubble wrap, but it would soon disintegrate because I am addicted to popping the bubbles. I can't win.

Chris said...

Yeah,sign me up for the bubble wrap too. But I'll need a few extra sheets.