Friday, September 18, 2009

Where is Doctor House?!

Dictated @ 2:00 pm:

You all know how much I appreciate all your kind words and prayers -- I even laugh alot when I read the comments Mrs. "C" prints out and brings me.

Most of my day is spent fending off vampires. There is still talk of transferring me to University Hospital in Newark, the only place in Jersey that has fresh maggots, but they cannot find a doctor willing to take my complicated case so I am hanging out here.

The highlight of my night yesterday was when my student nurse, Gina, was so excited that I gave her supervisor permission to let Gina change my wound dressing. At 10 pm 6 students nurses came in to watch and aid in my the cleaning and bandaging. Apparently tape was a very important item.

I am still anticipating my Dilodin shot every 3 hours. It not only kills pain but also has a recreational effect. I am no longer on Nurse "Toots" floor but she comes to visit every couple of days with recommendations for my treatment. Pretty nice, hey? My Nurse Call Bell seems to be for amusement only lately. If they don't come in a timely manner, especially at bathroom times, they are sorely rewarded...

FYI...not for the easily embarrassed...My naughty bits are being flashed at least a dozen times per day. I don't know if everyone else is enjoying it, but I am beginning to...


Jormengrund said...

Heck, you have to be able to get your chuckles somewhere, even if it's at the expense of some cute student nurse, eh DOM?

Get better.. We really do miss some of the posts you're able to come up with when you have full access to your toys!

Marie said...

Oh wow. It is so good to hear your voice I can't even say anything funny.

I am not sure where to reach you, so Mrs. C., if she has any free time at all, is welcome to call me if she still has my number.

You are all still in my prayers and the prayers of hundreds of people all over the world.

I don't thing any of us expected worms to be the answer to our prayers however. But God moves in mysterious ways. Or so I've heard. This would seem to bear that out.

Stay strong. Get well. xoxo

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

I'm sorry, but the Newark Hospital cannot be the only place that city has fresh maggots. Oh, you mean the ones in the gauze packets? OK then.

I'm glad you have some good meds. I'm guessing they knock you out, so I'm also guessing your naughty bits are being seen by others for more than a dozen times a day. You just don't know about it.

ReformingGeek said...

Forget the maggots. I'm sending leeches. If that doesn't work, I'm going to start amputating limbs because that will surely you.

ReformingGeek said...

Forget the maggots. I'm sending leeches. If that doesn't work, I'm going to start amputating limbs because that will surely you.

Donnie said...

Hell, I live in Mississippi. We have fresh maggots and leeches, and all you have to do to get them is go swimming in a creek. Good luck!

nonamedufus said...

Hey Joe know what's worse than finding a maggot in an apple? Finding half of one.

Anonymous said...

You know if you really want to WOW the nurses,or at least freak em out a little,you could always paint a smiley face on your naughty bits...just a suggestion to help with the boredom.

Still praying for ya!!!

Janna said...

I really, really hate maggots.
I'm worm-phobic and maggot-phobic and... well, let's just say I hate ALL invertebrates.

Still, I'm willing to allow them to exist if they help you to feel better. :)

Hopefully the cute student nurse will knock you out with a double dose of the recreational painkiller stuff first, so you don't have to spend too much time thinking of the fact that maggots are crawling and wriggling right next to those naughty bits we keep hearing so much about.

If Mrs. C. has a digital camera, this could turn ugly. :)

Unknown said...

Joe as much as we all miss you, I can't imagine how much you miss your own bed and your own house. You must be sick of all the crap, but the fact that you are holding on to your humor and your private parts tells me how strong I think you are. I really do pray for you dear Joe and the Mrs. Please get well soon. Oh and leave the maggots when you are done with them.

tahtimbo said...

Junk Drawer Kathy stole what I was going to say about the maggots. Oh well, the early bird get the worm/maggots.
Since you say that your naughty bits are flashed so often, that would explain why Gina was so excited to change your dressing ;)
Take care of yourself, we all miss you and wish you all the best.

linlah said...

Uh Oh what if your flashing enjoyment is a result of the recreational effect of your Dilodin? Here's hoping they find a Dr. to take you in Newark.

Adullamite said...

Gina, 6 students and Toots all at your beck and call. Nowonder your flashing all day!

Sorcerer said...

loved reading your blog

One Creative Queen said...

Oh sweetie. I don't know whether to laugh or cry with you. I'm glad you're keeping up your spirits...hey, maybe that's what you need? You won't be driving anything (save the gurney races for when surgery is over), so some spirits wouldn't interfere with your dilaudid. And would even intensify effects. You could become even more well known at the hospital than you already are!

But I digress...I'm glad to hear you're still the same ol' funny man, but GEEZ! This is getting ridiculous. It's about time to have you back home...don't the docs know you are needed in Blogland??

Let me talk to them. I'll straighten them out. Or I can start a petition. Or we could always get someone like JD (from I Do Things) to dress up as a nurse and break you outta there. That would make for some good blog fodder as well as getting you back where you belong.

More blood, eh? And now they're discussing maggot therapy?'re getting the full treatment!

My thoughts and prayers are with Mrs C and you...and especially with the medical team. If you're flashing your naughty bits around like that, the medical team needs all the thoughts and prayers they can get. xx

HR Diva said...

Joe I thought you were in UMDNJ, I will try to visit you soon, keep up your spirit you can always make me laugh. I got a script for Dilaudid pills now so when the migraines hit, I dont have to go to ER for the shot.... Nice effect

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything you know how to reach me.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Hey Joe--
I'm sorry I didn't get here in time to make the FIRST 'Only place in Jersey with fresh maggots' joke.
I lived there, so I'm allowed. :)
Thinking about you ever day; my prayers are that the RIGHT treatment is picked and initiated SOON so you can feel better and be home. I'm sure you are missed there!

A New Yorker said...

Joe, pick up your insurance book, or go online and keyword the kind of doctor you need to be transfered to somewhere else, call them up, and get them to see you. Send your files, call until you get them to take you as a patient. Sadly I have a friend with a bad dx of cancer who we are pushing to do the same thing here in NYC. If you don't push you won't get. It's that simple. And they count on that. Feel well.

Anonymous said...


Things are worse than I feared!

Your inner perv is coming out!

It's amazing that you can still blog, despite everything. But I am so glad that you do!

You are a blogger inspiration!

The good vibes, thoughts, and prayers still being sent your way! I won't use gmail to send them...who knows where they might end up!

hee hee


Moonrayvenne said...

Ah yes, dilaudid, I remember it well. Enjoy that while you can. They never sent any home with me.
HR Diva, how do you get them for migraines?
Keep flashing old man! If they realize you enjoy something, they may stop! Get well soon!
Mrs. C, take care of yourself, too!

Unknown said...

I am finding it very hard to believe that there is only one place in New Jersey where fresh maggots can be found. Hey, maybe the Giants can bring some to you after my Cowboys get done with them tomorrow night?

Joel Klebanoff said...

Fresh maggots? Did I read that right? I didn't know those suckers had an expiration date on them. Will the hospital reduce the cost of your treatment if you're willing to accept maggots that are close to or after their best-before date?

About your naughty bits flashing ... who is causing them to be flashed and is there any movement in them when they are flashed? Inquiring minds want to know.

Joel Klebanoff said...

By the way, no matter what it takes, fresh maggots, stale maggots or whatever, get better soon!

crpitt said...

First of all Hey to Mrs C and thanks to her for enabling your blogging addiction :)

I asked the mumborg whether they had considered maggot therapy for her ever, they hadn't, but a lady she shared a ward room thingy with did have it done and it went well! So yay! I think.

Reading the stuff about dressings and tape, is just like listening to the mumborg lol. They certainly love their tape.

Also she has flashed her naughty bits too many times lol.

brokenteepee said...

I once had a dilaudid shot on top of a fentynal patch. Still had pain but didn't care quite as much and the colors.....

the colors.....

the colors....

ooops. Got sidetracked in the memory. I am sorry your doctors are maggots. Oops, they want to use maggots but I have read it can be very successful.

We have three new kids on the farm these days. They are keeping us hopping!

More goat hugs. We are thinking of you!

HR Diva said...

collette, I have been battling intense 3-5 days a week for about 4 years. I have been on all script with no relief, I was given dilaudid until we try the next thing. Botox. This way I can stay out of ER, where they know me by name

Sandee said...

I hope someone solves the maggot issue soon. You crack me up. You much be doing pretty well if you are starting to enjoy having your naughty parts flashed so often. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day Crotchety. You and your lovely remain in my thoughts and prayers. :)

Anonymous said...

Yah, being a 41 year old woman with 2 children, I don't give a hoot who's bein spyin my naughty bits neither.
I spent 3 days with an epidural filled with yummy-feelin I-don't-know-what in my spine after birthing daughter the 1st. The epidural failed as the C-section started, I suspect they let me keep the Line of Laughter for No Reason hoping I would forget that they screwed up royally.
I think it is only fair to give a person layin flat on their back for days on end some happy drugs for entertainment.
I tell my husband if I'm in that situation I want some laudanum (sp?) then he tells me docs don't use that anymore then I have to tell him to shutty the mouthy & where is my Laudy!!?? He brings me a xanax instead, but, HELLO, I know the difference ;)
Ame in TN

Kirsten said...

Hang in there, old man. I find that a trench coat is a good outfit to wear while flashing people all day. Just an idea. It's nice to miz things up!

Doctor Faustroll said...

Good to hear you're still pissed off, whippersnapper. You'll need it when you see the bills.

Mike said...

If you ever get too lazy to use your hands, you can point to what you want with your junk ;)

Unknown said...

Maggots only hang out in specific areas of Jersey?

Perhaps things have changed since I lived there. It seemed you could find them just about anywhere.

Like the mall.

Jen said...

You crack me up. Keep flashing those naughty bits especially if they don't answer their call button.

LL said...

I'm thinking she wasn't as excited about changing your bandage as she was about scoping out your junk. Glad to see you're enjoying it too!

Tell you what DOM... have the old lady start bringing you in lots of raw garlic. One of the best antibiotics known to exist, and just think of the side benefits!

Mrs Sweetwater said...

Hey Joe, I'll call you tomorrow.
maggot therapy has a good reputation in cases of oxygen necrosis. the necrosis is getting you a Tummy Tuck - You Lucky Bastard. the rest of us lard asses have to pony up for mexican lipo. oh how I hate you damn dialysi-sluts.

always talking about how many kilos the sucked off of your skinny ass before lunch. yeah yeah yeah.. LOL.

Hope you feel better today.
remember do your best michael jackson impression and request "Your Milk" the anesthesia folks will understand. (smdh)

shyne said...

Vampires, maggots, and flashing.....are you sure you didn't wander into the middle of a B movie filming?

Get better soon......and thank Mrs C for me for keeping your blog moving along!

Moooooog35 said...

I read that as 'expecting my Dildo shot every 3 hours.'

I was just about to send a condolences card.

Lin said...

Hey, my neighbor has some fresh maggots just waiting in their garbage cans. Ewwwwww, they are smelly. I'd be glad to mail the whole mess to you if you are interested. Ick. Come back soon, Joe. I miss you.

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Staci said...

I spent six weeks in the hospital in high school with antibiotic-associated colitis. Apparently it's rare enough that they loved using me for a teaching case, especially to the student nurses, so I know how it feels. I usually got more than six nurses at a time, and not all of them could remember the basics, like closing a catheter bag. That was a fun day, LOL.

Hope you get better soon.

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