Eight, so far

We've all seen the devastation in Haiti. Watched the tally rise.

10,000,

20,000

50,000

200,000

But it's really meaningless to most of us.

But not to my aide, Nerlande (Nelly,) who is from Haiti. She has been walking around for the last few days hiding tears. I asked her if her family has been in touch with her, and are ok.


She has lost some members.


"Eight, so far."


Now it became very personal.

I know I'll remember hearing that for a long time.

The kind, gentle woman who has helped care for me for months has suffered a tremendous loss. Nameless, faceless victims aren't dead, but relatives of a friend. And since the initial reports, she has lost even more family and friends. The toll rises.

Sure I gave her a condolence card, and a few bucks to help out. But it is so little. I am asking everyone, if you have been thinking of sending some money to a reputable organization to help out, please do. If you haven't, please reconsider.

Here on the East Coast we have a huge Haitan community. Many of our friends and neighbors have lost family. Help for their sake.


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Crap, crap, crap

Next week my leg is being operated on. Seems there is no circulation below the knee (oh the joy of diabetes) so they will do like a bypass in an attempt to save the leg.

Sounds like a lot of pain. I hope youse guys get me through it like the previous operation. This shouldn't be as potentially dangerous as the last time, but things have a way of going badly for me. The lovely and talented Mrs. Crotchety will provide updates. I'll be getting a fresh Brazilian.
As usual, if I die, thanks for reading.

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Hey there, little buddy

I've always been a rather corpulent guy, with my recent weight loss (180 lbs) some rather striking changes have occurred.
I can see my toes!

For the first time in many, many years I can see my naughty bits!!! And they are cute as can be.

I knew they were there all along, but I was going on blind faith, for there had been no visual confirmation since 1968.

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Bunch of rambling stuff

Has anyone noticed Brendon Fraser has gained a lot of weight, but all in his face?

The EMT transporting me today looked exactly like Zena the Warrior Princess.

I thought that was weird.

I wonder if being an impersonator would be a good job? It would certainly be easy enough. I look enough like John Popper to impersonate him, unfortunately no one knows who he is.

I've been making progress. I get in a wheelchair using a sliding board.

Sounds like fun, huh?

Imagine shoving a board up my bum, then shimmying down to the chair.

Oh joy. Splinters on my naughty bits are just one hazard.

Speaking of my naughty bits, a new aide started last night and within minutes, she was introduced to my naughty bits.


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Whoosh!!!!!!

Christmas came and went and Mrs. Crotchety didn't get a present from me.

Let me run my idea past youse because usually your ideas are pretty good. I was thinking of a stripper pole. Good idea or great idea?


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Merry Christmas

Merry Chrismas to everyone!!!

May there be Peace on Earth!!!



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Guess where I'm going in January?

Well after conferring for 2 months about my foot (not the reason I've been in the rehab center,) the doctors decided I need to be operated on.

So, until the sawblades have another whack at me, my phone number is 732.650.8419

If you haven't done your Christmas shopping for me yet, a phone call is the perfect gift.

And a special thank you to The Middle Aged Fat Woman who sent a box o' Christmas Goodies, along with phone calls.

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Holiday Shopping

I wanted to buy Christmas presents for all my bloggy friends, but the shopping opportunties are rather limited.

Here is what is in your virtual Christmas package:

An adult diaper, available in white (how borinng)and sea (foam much more festive.)

4 oz. cups of cranberry juice

An autographed picture of my naughty bits ,suitable for framing, (not so special as nearly 300 health care professionals and a dozen nursing students have seen them already.

A Sponge Bath by Dave

Let me know which you picked... Or whether you picked them all.

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Formula for sleep

Since so many of my internet buddies have trouble sleeping I'll share my sure fire way to a restful 8 hours.

Step 1 : Have bum washed with warm, soapy water.
Apply powder and fresh diaper.

Add Ambien 5 mg

Plus Dilodin (Also spelled Dilodid) 4 mg equals good night sleep.

You're welcome

By the way, Ambien is known for hallucinations involving giant chickens I am disappointed to say I was hallucinaton free.

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I think I need another pain pill

Here's the long awaited first pulished photo of my surgery. Just looking at it makes me want to have the Lovely Nurse Treena inject me with some Dilodin.

I've been sick and in pain this week, so I haven't been able to post. Prepare to be filled in.

I had minor surgery on Monday. Idiot assistant doctor caught my back in some machine 4 (four, IV, quatro) times. leaving me slightly bruised. Yay for pain meds!

I decided to give up cursing, so if anyone calls me I'll mime most of the conversation.

This will be funnier for those who know me: I'm on food supplements and apettite enhancers. The nurses giggle when they give them to me. The supplemnts taste like a melted McDonald's vanilla shake, with added chalk for texture.

Type to youse soon.



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Change is coming

I expect to be discharged in a few weeks. Mrs. Crotchety isn't too thrilled with my embracing of the diapered life, and she mentioned something about potty training.

Or was it paper training?

Ether way, warm soapy water clean ups are a thing of the past.

And I don't expect to say "Don't be shy, dig in there," anytime again soon.

Youse may have noticed I'm answering your cumments again. Proof I'm doing better.

I'll cut this short as the ambulance will be here shortly to take me to the doctors for an appointment and the pain meds are kicking in.

In about 5 minutes the hallucinations start.


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The crazy night nurse strikes again

Regular readers know about ny crazy night nurse. She woke me up one time at 2 a.m. for my 4 a.m. pickup for dialysis. Another time she woke me up at 2 to make sure I wanted to get up at 3;30.

Well Friday she struck again.

My wake up time is 3:30 a.m. (Jealous? Don't be a hater)

Anywho, she comes into my room at 3:40 and I am sound asleep. She wakes me out of what was obviously a deep sleep then she asks me if I'm ready to go.

I smell like warmed over gym clothes, and my diaper smells exactly as you think it would.

No, I'm not. So she tells me they'll be in to get me ready, and hands me Dilodin. Normally, I get it before dyalysis because the transport guys are as gentle with me as Rocky with a side of beef. But if it is too early, I babble incoherently. It was too early. So I got to explain to transport what they had to do while I was high. Surprisingly it all worked out.


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Groping nurses and more

As most of you know, September was a Dilodin filled month. I spent most of it sleeping and hallucinatting.

Or so I thought.

According to Mrs. Crotchety, and my doctor, both fairly credible sources, I had taken some nurse and refused to let her go.

I asked Mrs which nurse it was and she said she didn't know. I told her Ihoped it was Nurse Treena because she is the most beautiful nurse in the world. No such luck.

And now Mrs. isn't speaking to me.

Oh, I wanted to thank Marisa who called me yesterday. Her call was a pleasant break from the incredible boredom around here


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So much great blog fodder

So much to say, I hope to have more days when I feel well enough to sit up and blog.
I hope to visit everyone's blogs soon. I've gone to a few over the last couple ofdays.

Because of my drain bamage I have trouble reading longer posts because I forget what I just read. I have trouble counting, too..



The mission of pt is to try to get me to stand up. I haven't stood in months, so it's kind of a major undertaking. They have put me in a couple weird Rube Goldberg (Kids look it up) machines. They have used various devices to do it, but so far, no luck. Today they couldn't even get me out of bed.

Be back tomorrow with some Diloudin-laced adventurous memories.




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In Support of Adult Diapers

I have been diapered for a few weeks, and to be honest, I'm enjoying them.



I'm sure most of youse still buy in to the "Big Boxer" Cartel or are under the spell of the "Tighty Whitey" Syndicate.



I'm here to tell you of the joy of adult diapers. Yes, friend, they are not just for funny pictures on Google images any more.



Here, in handy list form, are the top 10 reasons for the move to diapers.



1. Never again fear the wet fart.



2. The Texaco station bathroom is a germ infested nightmare. No problem.



3. Win bets with your friends. Next time at the bar, have a contest with your non diapered buddies, last one to use the restroom wins. Pound your favorite brew while enjoying the others squirming.



4. Your naughty bits and bum are cleaned with warm soapy water. Aaaah, yes, warm soapy water.



5. You can pee while talking to your mother-in-law. Expand the mental image as needed.



6. No need for a Halloween costume. You'll be the hit of every party.



7. Add a sash and instant Baby New Year. And it will be every bit as hilarious as Halloween.



8. Never leave in the middle of a movie for a bathroom break.



9. Now you don't have to carry a seat cushion to a sports event.



10. They are available in such designer colors as sea foam and eggshell. They go with any outfit.


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The Floodgates Are Open

Yesterday I set a record for the rehab center, 6 poops on one shift. Yea me.

Two qualified as mega pooooooooops.

So today, I took a chance with solid food, sausage and pancakes. The pancakes are a speciality here as they are crunchy.

Don't ask.

Because my bum and naughty bits have been so traumatized by recent events, the pt staff got a special cushion for my wheelchair. It cost $5000. You read that right.

My butt should be pleased.


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Important poop update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know this is important because of all the exclamation points.

Yesterday, after the Fleet arrived, there was still no movement.

Then, while cleaning me up, the aide tried to help, erm, "manually."

Yes it did hekp because it appears my butt had Been atempting to form diamonds, not realizing that would only work if I ate a coal based diet.

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not this




dis one


Ouch



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Phun with Pharmaceuticals

In case you missed it, I've been in the hospital the last 7 weeks enjoying surgery and other delights.

I also learned of Dilodin.

While I am no sort of recreational drug user, I almost look forward to various pain killers the doctor describes. This time I developed a favorite. Not only does Dilodin have incredible side effects, incredible halluciations, but no giant chickens. Instead I saw different people in my room and imagined my numerous gaseous emissions could be seen by me in shapes of mardi gras beads of various sizes and colors. Weird, huh?

I also have found out that sponge baths are not what they are cracked up to be especially when given by a guy named Linus.

I have lost count of the number of people who have seen and grabbed my naughty bits.

I have access and so I should be blogging regularly soon. I am making some progress.


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Soon to be blogging...

Crochety is now at Cedar Oaks Rehab Center, Room 110A...still on THE PAIN DRUG...but in pill form so he is more alert when he isn't sleeping. Started physical therapy and his laptop was dropped off today. His new phone number is 732-650-8419.



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