Saturday, May 30, 2009

Toasters Can Be Evil

My blogging buddy, Reforming Geek recently posted about her toaster and how it has conspired against her.

I have blogged about my toaster issues in the past, and in fact, I was so happy when I finally bought the toaster of my dreams, I dedicated a blog to it.

Now, the less adventurous among you would probably simply go to Wally World, and pick up one of those crappy ten buck Asian Assassin toasters, but that didn't do for the Crotchety Old Lady and me. Since I always believe in getting the best for her, I searched the entire toaster world to find the finest toaster made. After studying important data such as SPH (slices per hour,) durability, design, and those intangibles of a world class toaster, I made my decision.
The toaster afficianados out there know what decision I made
Uber Toaster
The Dualit 2 Slice Uber Toaster.
I gave great consideration to a sweet red 3 slicer, but it may have really destroyed the feng shui of my kitchen.
Don't laugh. I can't use a 3 tine fork due to a balance issue. Can you imagine the mayhem of an unbalanced toaster?
Anyway, as anyone who knows toasters is well aware-- a Dualit is crazy expensive. I could have gotten a case of Wal Mart toasters for what a new Dualit costs. So, obviously, I had to enter the seedy underbelly of the world of used toasters.
If you thought used car salesmen were slimy, you should see the used toaster sellers.
Dis toaster was used by a little old lady who only toasted English muffins on Wednesdays
I need a shower after just thinking about it.
But finally, we found a toaster with very low toastage, made an offer, and brought it home. For the last year or so, it has provided us with perfectly toasted bread, and the occasional muffin.
I can only wish Reforming Geek finds happiness with a safe and trusty toaster.

Like a bad dog or a red headed stepchild, those cheap Wal Mart toasters will turn on you.


Phillipia said...

Hey, my red-headed step-child has not turned on me...

Adullamite said...

A great post out of nothing. Brilliant writing!

Anonymous said...

"Toastage"!!!!!! Brilliant!

A New Yorker said...

I've had my cheap ass toasta for 7 years, which was a hand me down toasta and it does just fine for me. Hmmm

Lin said...

What is the deal with appliance salesmen?? Are they all the old used car salesmen who went down the drain with the auto industry?? Because we had some very slimy experiences shopping for New Stove (who is fitting in just lovely here, thank you very much). Oooh, like you--I wanted to shower after a couple of experiences. Ick. We ended up at a local place--no showroom to speak of, and a catalog to purchase the model we knew we wanted. It was so easy, so cheap!!

Anonymous said...

I had no idea about the seedy underworld of used toaster sellers. Thanks for bringing this to my (and the rest of the free and enslaved world too) attention.

nipsy said...

Do NOT jinx me!! I've had my cheapie toaster for over 6 years now.. although, I have seen it turn itself on when it thinks no ones looking..

Anonymous said...

a used toaster? Is there like a used toaster store?

Swirl Girl said...

friggin' hysterical!!

Donnie said...

...and may you and the mrs. share many more hours of happy and safe toasting. It's very important in a marriage to have an owner friendly toaster. Your children will be happier adults and you will be just as crusty as always.

ReformingGeek said...

Thanks, Crotchety. I gave my toaster the morning off hoping that will win me some points and longevity. Just between you and me, I don't have high hopes. I'm very afraid that it might have been made with recycled condoms, lead, or whatever they put in their wallboard that made everybody sick.


Anonymous said...


Great post DOM and I totally agree that toasters CAN be evil. Actually I would take it one step further and call them...


heh heh

brokenteepee said...

The publicist's current toaster only toasts half her bread. It is very sad. She is waiting until she gets into her house to buy a new one. By then toast will probably automatically toast itself it will be so far in the future....*sigh*

Da Old Man said...

@ Phillipia: It's just a matter of time. Sleep with one eye open.

@ Adullamite: Thanks

@ Anna: :)

@ Lauren: I've gone through so many cheap toasters, I don't trust them.

@ Lin: I have no idea. We used to have a huge appliance store near here, and they were so slimy.

@ Unfinished: You are quite welcome. I'm here to help.

@ Nipsy: I wish you the best with the toatser. Just be careful. They are quite sneaky.

@ Grace: Ebay :)

@ Swirl Girl: Thanks

@ Don: Toast is the secret to a happy relationship

@ Reforming: Let's hope the toaster comes around and gives up its evil ways.

@ Quirky: That extra e is so right on the money.

@ Pricilla: I could make her some toast and send it, if she'd like.

Janna said...

I keep forgetting I even own a toaster. It's right there next to the microwave, but I never ever use it.
I like toast, but apparently I only want it when other people make it.
I'm weird that way.

Frogs in my formula said...

How did you get that picture of my dad?

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