Thursday, May 21, 2009

Understanding the Female Mind

This post is a rather scholarly treatise, and is directed at the male readers. Youse wimmins can go try to figure out what Yaz is or read the Oprah Book of the Month until tomorrow's post.

Ok, I'll see you ladies then. Take care, have a nice night.

Are they all gone?


Ok, guys, here's what I need you to know. I am one of the foremost students of wimmin. I study them, and have even lived with a few of them for research purposes, so I'm pretty much an expert. Now, here is what I learned today while watching The Price is Right.

We don't have to buy stuff for wimmin. Nope. I'm telling you, Drew Carey suggests that they MAY be getting a new car or jewelry or a washer/dryer (They rarely do) and yet they have a reaction that could only be described as "orgasmic." Photobucket

We've all read of this female reaction, but so few have ever seen it outside of the fake ones in movies. Yet when Drew says "What do you bid for this stuffed aardvark," they attain nirvana, shaking and crying and according to When Harry Met Sally, that's the goal of every man.
Have what she's having
I know what you are thinking. "But Crotchety, you have already adorned the Crotchety Old Lady with the finest jewels and even bought her an ergonomically designed snow shovel. Isn't it a bit late in the game to change?"

Yes, Grasshopper, I understand your concern. But, it will all be explained in my new book, "Wimmin, Go Figure.
A Manly Man's Guide to Chicks in the 21st Century."

I expect this book to be one of the most important ever written, and it should will be included in most college level wimmin's studies programs.


Kelly Ann said...

*rolls eyes and storms off* LOL!

Unknown said...

Sorry, I was lurking. I may write a book about males of the 21st century. Just mention "I'll give you a BJ" and they melt. You don't even have to follow through with it, just the thought that they MAY get one.

LL said...

I always learn so much when I visit here...

This is why I was always taught to respect my elders and learn from them...

Chris said...

Thanks for the tutorial. Is it coming out in handbook form?

Anonymous said...

Well, sometimes the journey is better than the destination. Loving ettarose's BJ comment!


A New Yorker said...

It will never appeal to the idiot 21 year old minds who think they know everything and that men and women are the same. How ironic your funny post today after the insane experiene I had with my 23 year old trainer for my new job. They know it all Joe! Didn't you know that?

Unknown said...

Hope springs eternal.

Shawn said...

Interesting! I'm going to start promising the world. Maybe I can get a woman as hot as the one playing Plinko up there.

ReformingGeek said...

I don't think that first lady really cares about the prizes. She wants Drew.

There's a lesson for you. If you put it in your book, please pay me royalties! ;-)

Anonymous said...


Who you callin wimmin Mister?

heh heh heh

Thinkinfyou said...

Remember....women fake it well also!

Donnie said...

You are SO right. I once mentioned to my EX wife that a week in Cabo San Lucas would do us both a lot of good. We never went, but for several days she was running around telling her friends and all giddy and shit. It bought me a few days of happiness.

Sandee said...

We don't even understand ourselves and you expect to figure us out? Not likely to happen. We change the rules if you get even close.

Have a terrific day Crotchety. :)

The Hussy Housewife said...

Love how you do your research.

I must be different..I hate jewelery..and shopping. But if you tell me you are sending me to a week long spa..or bought me a massage..I will make that face.

Just thought I would give you that inside info for you book!

Moooooog35 said... went way overboard on your research.

Here's how mine would have went:

Understanding the Female Mind

You can't.

Mike said...

I'll make sure to forward a copy to my feminist sister and her feminist choir.

Sans your address of course.

Some of those wimmins can be mistaken for wraslin' mens.

brokenteepee said...

My little goat eyes light up for grain and apples. I am very easy to please.
The publicist on the other hand...she just wants her house built. Not TOO much to ask after two years, is it? IS IT? Huh, huh, huh?

Unknown said...

You received a very honorable mention in what I just posted on Crackerhead about comments, and I can't wait to see how you try to respond to the comments on this particular post.

Da Old Man said...

@ Lady Sarcasm: You didn't read the disclaimer.

@ Etta: That does work. We become very compliant.

@ LL: I want to be known as Perfessor Crotchety

@ Chris: Along with a study guide. Just pay shipping and handling.

@ Anne: It is all about the journey.

@ Lauren: They don't. That is why my book will be so successful.

@ Sherry: Always

@ Shawn: Just invite her back to your place for some Plinko, and you are in like Flynn.

@ Reforming: It's always about the prizes. Drew is just the cherry on her sundae.

@ Quirky: Uhhmm, youse wimmins

@ Thinking: Faking has always been good enough for me.

@ Don: It really is the thought, not the gift that counts

@ Sandee: I keep getting closer, though. Sensible men would have given up by now.

@ Hussy: Ok, we'll promise you a chance for a spa weekend.

@ Moooooog: Good research is important.

@ Mike: It's all good. I'll promise them flannel shirts.

@ Pricilla: The male person is playing the game perfectly. The chance of a house is all he needs to provide.

@ FishHawk: Piece of cake. And thanks.

Patricia Rockwell said...

I hate to tell you this (sorry, I peeked because you said it was a scholarly treatise and I used to teach at a university), but no self-respecting women's studies program would include any book written by a man in their curricula--although yours may be a first!

Lin said...

Ooops, Sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to be reading, but....maybe you need a whole chapter on "Free sh*t". Women love free sh*t--and I think that's where the excitement comes in on those game shows. Something fur nuthin'.

jana said...

Ha ha... Yaz. Ha ha....

Da Old Man said...

@ Patricia: I fully expect to be the first.

@ Lin: It's the chance to get something for nothing. They don't usually win.

@ SpeakDog: I can't figure Yaz out. Maybe someone can explain it to me.

00000000000 said...

Hmm.. I'm a feminist, lols. Nice blog.