Monday, June 29, 2009

Rescue Me

First, I’m having issues with the internet connection, so while I read and appreciate all the comments, I can’t respond at this time. I also have a hard time visiting all my friends. Eventually, this will be resolved.

On to funny bizness.

Remember I promised funny stories from all the mayhem? Here’s one. And it’s all true. Pathetic and sad, but true.

While it wasn’t very funny at the time, looking back, my emergency 911 call was loaded with comedy potential. I was stuck on my beloved couch. I had apparently reached the point of fatness that I was permanently a part of the furniture.

Picture this, a fat guy…ok..fatter..fatter…now you went too far. You went to The Learning Channel Special Episode Fat Guy. Back it off to right around Family Guy’s Peter Griffin Fat.

Ok, now what happened is that I started to retain water like I’m 85% Shamwow. Seriously, probably in the area of 8 to 10 gallons or more, making little things like breathing nearly impossible. My goal was to get up, and drive to the ER. Except I couldn’t get up. So, we called 911.

The first team member showed up-- a very nice, but definitely overmatched-- tiny blonde woman. accessed the situation, and called for immediate backup. Then the police showed up.

Invoking a very Danny Glover-esque “We didn’t sign up for this crap,” they called for the fire department rescue unit. Deciding that the couch was at least 50% responsible for his mess, they immediately destroyed the couch.

And called Tony.

Tony is the department equivalent of Superman. Bends steel with his bare hands, lifts Buicks for fun and stuff like that. The plan was to have Tony lift me off the remains of the couch. Tony gave it his all, but Shamu I wasn’t budging.

Time to call another rescue unit as the gurney is the wrong one and they are afraid of injury. The crowd inside and outside my home now numbers about 15 rescue workers, various supervisors, and a dozen open-mouthed neighbors. My street is impassable due to the sheer number of emergency vehicles. The new, improved gurney won’t fit inside my home. Fireman Chris has to remove all the doors. Ok. The gurney is in, but yours truly is still on the couch, which is now little more than cushions and firewood.

Time for the supervisors to step up. The selfless men and woman who have saved countless individuals over the years. The heroes of emergency rescue.

And they are stumped. Finally, one remembers that another unit has a brand new device, a giant rubber mat/blanket with lots of grab holes. Remember old cartoons with the net thing they held to catch people jumping out of buildings? Like that.

Sadly, it’s also like what they used to hoist Free Willy out of the water. So, they manage to get this under Willy me, and a half dozen or so burly rescue workers flipped me up on to the gurney.

During he ride to the hospital, the gurney came partially loose, threatening to squash the worker in the back with me. We pulled over, and Tony saved the day, as he held the gurney in place for the rest of the ride.

I’ll try to be back tomorrow with more.


Kirsten said...

OMG!! I'm so glad you're back! Don't do that again!!

Anonymous said...


I couldn't help but laugh.

I hope that's okay. The mental images...too hilarious.

But wait. Who stayed behind to reattach the doors?

Yes, I'm paranoid that way!

Me-Me King said...

Welcome back!!!

Chris said...

Glad to see you back here, and I hope you're doing better.

Funny story . . . now.

Kelly Ann said...

I just know that you made that gurney take off, genius move! hehe Hope the missus has a chair or something to sit on, darn them folk ruinin yo couch.

Adullamite said...

Joe you have the opening chapter of your next book there, "Fat Man on a Stretcher."
Turn this into a book and it will be a world best seller!
Great stuff and glad your mind is alive and well.

Unknown said...

Oh Joe! You are so right! It was funny. I am probably going to hell for laughing.. oh wait.. you promised it'd be funny.

It was great talking to you yesterday. Keep your spirits up and you will be home before you know it.

OH and the nurses? They love every minute of you.. don't let em make you think otherwise ;P

shyne said...

OMG........I hate to admit I laughed, too, but I did.

So glad you're keeping your sense of humor and sharing it with us.
Be well and come back again soon!!!!!

nipsy said...

Well you did it again Old Man, made me laugh at something that will surely send me to hell. Luckily it looks like I'll have plenty of company.

Keep them spirits up (I'm sure the pain meds help with that a bit) and keep the funnies coming.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I tell you this because only you could laugh at it.
And I preface the fact that I came up with this name by telling you I am by no means small myself; I would be much more comfortable on the 'bariatric stretcher' than the regular one. our department, we call that Stryker thing with all the handles on it for lifting people 'The Fatapult'.

Melanie said...

Ok, I couldn't help but laugh.

Goodness our county doesn't even have that many emergency personnel! Seriously, these were trained professionals?????

Donnie said...

Damn Joe, that's a bitch! So what's the dialysis for? That doesn't get rid of the fluid does it? Anyway, all the good luck to you and sounds like something you can get over in due time.

Lola said...

It's just like those rescue workers to destroy your couch. I mean, look what they do to crashed cars. Did they get out the jaws of life for your sofa?

Anne said...

What does Mrs. Crotchety think about the destroyed couch? When you are feeling better, will she get to go shopping? I know how much you loved that couch so it must be replaced!

Take care and feel better. Everyone out in the Internets is rooting for you.

Secondary Roads said...

Your story didn't disappoint. Did the gov't charge entertainment tax?
-- Chuck

Unknown said...

"I started to retain water like I’m 85% Shamwow"

Well, at least the fluid sure didn't wash away your sense of humor.

I'm just so glad you're being looked after and hopefully they can get you on the mend soon.

PS- can you also be used to wipe off the dog, the car and cola spilled on the carpet? :)

Unknown said...

wow. through it all you're still laughing, good for you!!!

You are still in my thoughts and huge hugs to you!!!

Jen said...

I just found out. I'm so glad you are okay. I did laugh however. And bummed that you need a new couch. Well have to have a couch-a-thon when you are feeling better. Thoughts and all that for you and Mrs. Don't crack up the nurses to much.

Joel Klebanoff said...

Through this whole ordeal you haven't lost one bit of your sense of humor. Congratulations! Get well soon.

Sandee said...

So you really are a couch potato. Wasn't sure if you were pulling our leg or not.

I'm glad you are on the mend. :)

Unknown said...

i am very happy to hear that you haven't lost your sense of humor through this, and happy that you are recovering now. take care of yourself, you are a remarkable man.

Tattoo Jim said...

Well... they do say that truth is stranger than fiction... did you start to picture Rod Serling and the Twilight Zone theme song start playing???

Phillipia said...

Thanks for the laugh, DOM.
Get better - thats an order:)

Swirl Girl said...

I know what happened to you - too much self-deprication! You've o.d'd on making fun!

hope your doing better and get out sooner than later.

Winky Twinky said...

Wow, DOM, sounds like quite an episode...believe it or not, I've experienced the keystone paramedics myself, and it's definitely not funny at the time... You're doing great keeping your spirits up. Get better soon. {{{hugs}}}

Lipstick said...

Crotchety!! I am so happy that you are back! You can seriously make anything funny! I cackled out loud (and may or may not have simultaneously farted) at The Learning Channel Special Episode Fat Guy part. Hugs!

ReformingGeek said...

Oh no, Joe. It's too bad they have not yet invented a procedure that will just drain the excess water out of you right there in your home, filling up your outdoor spa.

Tsk. Tsk.

Wishing you continued positive healing thoughts!

brokenteepee said...

Oh thank heavens. This telling alone lets us know you are on the mend.

The story is wonderful but most ambulance/hospital tales that you live through do have their comic side. At least mine do....

I hope you are out of there real fast and home on your brandy new super duper indestructible couch very soon.

Anonymous said...

It speaks to your positive personality and heart that you can make a situation that would fell most people into something that makes us laugh.

A New Yorker said...

Good! I'm glad your fat ass is off the couch already. Now you can't wallow and I can come kick your fat ass until you do what is best for you. I know the rest here will think I'm mean. But I also know you will know this is not, and actually the opposite. Now it's time to get well and heal.

Moonrayvenne said...

Only you could turn an emergency into a comedy situation! Keep us posted!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

So now you're on the hospital dialysis diet?

Gosh, that's a funny but not funny story. Is it OK to laugh? Amazing you have such a sense of humor about it so soon.

I hope you're getting better. Did they do something about the water retention? Or are you still "holding"?


Michiganderlady said...

You get better soon...I'm going to keep bumping your thread at Ned's...and if you don't get better, well, I'll make good on that promise about the phone call to the nurse's station. :)

Janna said...

Hopefully you're not retaining water like a Shamwow anymore, and are instead retaining like one of its cheap competitors.

I'm glad you were able to find some humor in the situation. And this particular segment of the story didn't even involve any catheters!

savvy said...

Remember when you mentioned recently that the rescue people have your address highlighted? Someone must have lost the list, because they should have been better prepared.

Also, you know the saying that tragedy plus time = comedy. You, my friend, have lessened that time needed to nearly zero; an award may be coming your way any day now!

Glad you are in the hospital now, getting care and getting poked!

Marvel Goose said...

Here's to hoping you actually get some sleep at the Hospital. The last time I was there I called a conference and told them to figure out everything they needed to do in the next eight hours and do it all at once.

My wife brought them a basket the next day and apologized for me. She's a wonderful girl. Probably saved me from accidentally on purpose getting a staph infection.

Best wishes to a speedy and full recovery. I will bless some cheese for you tonight.

Cheri Pryor said...

Nanny Goats in Panties sent me here. I discovered you through her....and gotta say you crack me the hell up. Glad you are feeling better!

Kate Rawlins said...

Just prayers ~ Kate

Maritess G. said...

Hey Joe,
Just read this. I know you have been wanting my sis to read but alas, she hasn't had the I read it.

Wow, what a story. I laughed a bit, hope that's ok.

Take care ok. Sending good thoughts :)