Beware of the Killer Tomatoes

Warning: This post has been rated PG-13 for the suggestion of possible violent content. There is no violence, but it is suspenseful, and brimming with violence potential. But nothing happens. You've been sufficiently warned.

A few years ago, my phone rang. It was the Crotchety Dad. He wanted to know if I had stopped by during the day while he was out.
It seems the house was messed up, doors were smashed, and generally things didn't look right. I told him it sounded like the house was robbed. So he asked if I could come right over. Being a good son (ok, an adequate son--fine, his only son) I went to help out. It took me about 20 minutes to get there.

In the meantime, apparently, he just sat in the living room and stared at his TV. It didn't work because the wires were cut, and the VCR (I told you this was while ago) was missing. He still wasn't sure what had happened.

I looked around and confirmed that he was robbed. I called the police and then decided it would be a good idea to do a walk through and make sure no one was hiding in the basement or anything like that.
That's when I did one of the dumbest things I've ever done.

I realized that the robbers, if they were still around, may be armed. After all, they had smashed and broken open the gun safe. So, I could walk right into the business end of a .357 magnum.

Not wanting to be at such a disadvantage, I grabbed a weapon to protect myself.

I armed myself with



Don't snicker. This is serious. Tomatoes can be very dangerous, especially in the 28 oz. can like I had chosen.

In fact, in Spain, every year an event called the Tomatina takes place in a small town in which tens of thousands of people die.

Oh, the humanity!!!



I just checked my sources.

It seems no one died from tomatoes being tossed at them. But it is possible that they could be allergic and get a really nasty rash, or a serious bruise.

I have heard of rogue tomatoes and their inherent vicious character, so I'm keeping an eye on them.



Disclaimer: No tomatoes, fresh or canned, were tossed during the writing of this post.

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How to eat at a buffet

Yeah, I know. I'm still cranked up about Atlantic City. I couldn't blog about everything, and rather than just give an uber-blog, I decided to break up all my crap into tiny segments. Easier to read, and who knows, maybe it will make sense.


First, what the hell happens to old people at a buffet?

I was behind these two codgers who had to be, now this is just an educated guess, somewhere between 127 and 140 years old each. They probably baby sat John McCain's parents. I'm talking freakin' old.

I'm no ageist, but for crying out loud, these codgers drive me crazy.

In the breakfast buffet, they must have spent 5 minutes deciding

1) if they actually wanted a slice of tomato for breakfast
2) which slice of tomato they wanted

Finally, after settling on a tomato slice, it was off to the cereal section.

Corn Flakes...no, put those back...Cheerios...Do we like Cheerios...put that back...get the Corn Flakes...ooooh, look, oatmeal...put the Corn Flakes back...oh wait, I'm not in the mood for oatmeal, go back and get the Corn Flakes...but Cheerios has more fiber...wow--they have mini bagels.

Do I even have to tell you how the great cream cheese vs butter vs jelly vs orange marmalade round robin debate went?

I swear, if they kept sharp knives there, I would have slashed my wrists and bled out right by the fresh cut melon.

Then we went back for dinner. Amazing what I'll go through to get a cheap steak for the Crotchety Old Lady.

We were seated near a table of old timers, and one habit I've gotten into is looking at how much people tip. My kid is in the restaurant industry, so I like to check out these things. That, plus I'm nosy.

Anyway, I've noticed at buffets, most people, especially the old codgers, either don't tip, or leave peanuts.

What's up with that? The ones next to me ran the server ragged. He brought them their drinks and refills, kept the table cleared from their multi-course meal, was helpful, and the 6 of them left a 6 dollar tip. Dinner was over 20 bucks each, and the big spenders left a buck each. WTF?

Maybe a dollar was a big tip back in 1952, but it's nothing today. After dining on steak, crab, shrimp and other gourmet items, how about throwing a brother a duece?