Thursday, April 30, 2009

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

Here I sit with frozen broccoli on my knee, bloody bandages on my elbow and calf, along with a bottle of Motrin. The lights from the Rescue Squad truck are fading in the distance. Typical day at Casa Crotchety. Here's how this all came to pass:

The Crotchety Old Lady pointed out that I spend most of my time sitting on the couch like a festering mound of goo lazy guy, and it is time I start to, oh, what were her words? Oh yeah, "Do something."

So, today was the day I decided to get off the couch, and sit outside for a while.

Baby steps.

So, I went outside and sat and she came out and cut my hair with the electric hair cutter thing (no, not a Flowbee--do you think I'm made of money?) Then I got up to come back inside. I made it almost all the way back in the door, when suddenly, I tripped over the door frame. On the way down, I hit the cabinet, and knocked over the vase of flowers, smashed my elbow (which explained the blood all over the cabinet) and hurt my calf and knee (a lot)--hence the frozen broccoli.

The Rescue Squad?

Well, I couldn't get up. So, I was stuck in the entranceway. It was not "bring the jaws of life stuck," but the "bring some strong guys to lift his fat a** off the floor, stuck." That was a fun phone call to make. And you can only imagine the sheer joy when the Rescue Squad guys showed up, and they had to try to figure out how to do it.

I'll spare you the details, but it involved lots of math and science using fulcrums, leverage, and possibly an inclined plane. They were also treated to a view of my naughty bits that they may never forget, and I received a wedgie of epic proportions.

But don't worry, I have spent much of the day chastising the Crotchety Old Lady for causing all this mayhem. You do remember that she was the one who insisted I "Do something." This was all her fault. As soon as I leave the safety of my couch, bad stuff is bound to happen.


Kirsten said...

Was she trying to kill you? Don't you know that there is swine flu out there? Now is not the time to do something!

jana said...

hee hee... don't knock the Flowbee.

I used to have a Chow-Chow dog, and he got a new summer 'do every year, compliments of the Flowbee...

Anonymous said...


Glad you're okay DOM. And I agree with Kirsten, don't sit outside and ingest whatever might be floating out there!

Adullamite said...

She is trying to kill you! Have you checked with the insurance guys? She may have taken out a new policy - on you dying in an accident!

HR Diva said...

I think I should hand over my former title of DIT (family joke) disaster in training to you.

I did pay the health insurance this month,,,,doesnt mean you have to injury yourself (like i am one to talk)
get well fell better

One Creative Queen said...

I had a feeling you would wind up in the padded cell next door...but I never guessed it would be due to your physical prowess. ;)

I hope you recover quick - and oh yeah. As a former paramedic, don't worry. They quit making a list of people/addresses visited on "memorable" they just mark the address on the station's map, with bright orange highlighter. :)

Feel better! xx

Deb said...

Remember those moose poop earrings for Mrs. Crotchety? Payback's a bitch, huh?

Hope you are up and kicking butt (preferably your own) soon! Get better!

Donnie said...

Sounds like a really painful day! Maybe you should just stay away from
"broccoli" from now own. Geo. Bush Sr. hates it and he's lived to be in his eighties.

Marie said...

That is the kind of humiliation only a sense of humor can get you through.

My legs barely have the strength to get me out of a chair anymore, so I am expecting my own 'I've-fallen-and-I can't-get-up' moment anytime now.

I used to work for the paramedic organization that would respond, so I have an added mortification layer there. Can't wait.

Feel better Joe! Pop some of those Vicodin and take a mini-vacation.

Michelle said...

OK old man I admit it. I chuckled reading this post BUT seriously are you OK? WTF?? Next time really do something so you don't fall just sitting around doing nothing that you think is actually something!


A New Yorker said...

Oh dear it was/IS time to stop using all your health excuses and walk and move and shed some pounds so your body can work better. TOUGH SHIT. I'm with the MRS!

Anne said...

See, nothing good can come from getting off your butt and doing something. Lethargy is the way to go.

Da Old Man said...

@ Kirsten: I know. I'm not getting off the couch for a while.

@ SpeakDog: I've seen incredible results with the FlowBee. Fellow blogger Dead Rooster posted his before and after results.

@ Quirkyloon: True. Outside is off limits for a while.

@ Adullamite: I do need to check with them. I wouldn't be surprised to see a new accidental death policy.

@ HR Diva: No injury, just a lot of soreness today, so no insurance claims.

@ One Creative: I'm sure I got the orange hi-liter treatment.

@ Deb: I really thought she'd like them.

@ Don: Yeah, friggin broccoli.

@ Marie: I only have a couple Vicodin left, and am saving them for a special occasion.

@ Michelle: I'm ok, just sore and humbled.

@ Lauren: Moving leads to trouble. Outside is dangerous.

@ Anne: I'm a big fan of sitting around.

ReformingGeek said...

Um....OUCH! Take it easy up there and are you sure Mrs. C didn't put a wire in that doorway when she supposedly went back inside to the potty?

Take care.

DouglasDyer said...

You may have fooled Mrs. Crotchety but not me. You've safely traversed this little doorframe thousands of times but when you face the prospect of leaving the couch, you "accidentally" take a tumble? Teach me your ways, master.

Unknown said...


I bet your are really sore and now will be laid up on the couch for ever longer.

:( {{gentle hugs}}

Sandee said...

You are a mess. You know that? You really are. Bwahahahahaha. I feel so sorry for Mrs. Crotchety. You are not a diamond in the rough. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day sitting on the couch. :)

Me-Me King said...

Pobrecito, DOM. Try frozen green peas, they may mold to your knee a little easier than the broccoli.

Da Old Man said...

@ Reforming: She may have. Was probably concerned if I start leaving the house she'll be so lonely.

@ Douglas: No, not willing to get all those bruises just to trick her. I could have faked a fall.

@ Stacie: Yup, it'll be a while until I decide to get up again.

@ Sandee: I'm a mess, but Mrs is happy with a fixer upper.

@ Me-Me: We only had broccoli.

@ Rose: Thanks.

Judy said...

I live with someone who sits in his chair all day and watches FOX news. I WAS going to yell at him to get off his a** and do something, but...maybe I will just leave him alone.

brokenteepee said...

Old Man - that was not a fair post. The publicist put her back out yesterday lifting a 10oz flake of hay and all of the laughter was waaaaaay too painful for her.

She, and I, are very sorry for your wedgie. And other injuries. I hope you stay inside now....and in all empathy we hope you feel better very soon.

Winky Twinky said...

Wow really gotta watch out for those door frames... they've gotten so they have a mind all their own.. they do this really evil expansion thing when the weather gets warmer.. it's pretty scary. (shiver)

Marsha said...

Mrs. Crotchety really screwed up this time.

I'm sure she'd much rather be stuck with a lazy-ass man over a lazy-ass man with a boo-boo.

So, how long to you plan to milk this?

Anonymous said...

What Marsha said LOL

Crabby Blogging Lady said...

Ouch, Joe!

The only beneficial thing about painful or embrrassing moments is that at least we can blog about it and spread the misery (and hopefully, a few laughs).

Sorry about your wedgie. That's GOTTA hurt. Bwahahahaha!

Da Old Man said...

@ Judy: Let sleeping dogs lie (and watch TV)

@ Pricilla: Hope the publicist is doing better soon. And don't laugh at her no matter how funny it is.

@ Winky: I'm pretty sure that is what happened

@ Marsha: I'll milk this until I get some stuff from ebay to cheer me up, err, I mean, I'll work as hard as I can to recover.

@ Grace: Same answer, then.

@ Crabby BL: While waiting for the Rescue Squad, sitting on the floor, I reminded her that at least I know what I'm blogging about for tomorow.


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Oh man, she'll never live that one down, will she?

Hope you feel better, Crotchety. You sure are living up to your name these days, eh?

Jen said...

I hope your pride recovers soon. Stay inside and for gosh sakes don't get on a plane or ride a subway train or any other kind of transportation device. Instead just send Mrs. Crotchety to the store for supplies to last for the next couple of weeks so you can ride out this pandemic.

Unknown said...

The next time you get stuck, I've got four puppies with really wet noses that will get you up in no time flat for half the price. In fact, they might do it just for the brocoli.

Unknown said...

P.S.: Grayson, who looks exactly like your killer guard dog on duty and is the capo of the crew, said that if you would throw in a pork chop or two that you would certainly have a deal.

Charmaine said...

Did the broccoli try to kill you?

Lola said...

I hope you're feeling better soon.

When I was a kid, the neighbor dad had back problems and the ambulance took him out of the house in his tighty whities with no sheet or blanket covering him. Knocked him down a few pegs. Back problems seemed to run rampant on our block, my Dad was taken out by ambulance a couple of times too.

I've got bad back problems, hereditary, so I always make sure I'm fully dressed. Even in the shower. You can never take too many chances. Know what I'm sayin'?

Unknown said...

Look old man. You have GOT to be more careful. Yes you need to get around more, but jeez do it in a hoveround would ya. Hugs!

A New Yorker said...

So walk around your house INSIDE OLD MAN!

Da Old Man said...

@ Petra: Eventually she will

@ Jen: I'm not leaving the house until July

@ FishHawk: Puppies ain't gonna do it. You have any fully grown St Bernards?

@ Charmaine: No, the broccoli knows better. I'm tougher than broccoli.

@ Lola: I'm going to be better in a day or so. Soreness is going away as the day progresses. Could have been worse.

@ Etta: I probably should, but I'd wind up crashing it.

@ Lauren: Yup for a while I ain't heading across the threshold.

Lin said...

I think it was an evil plot to kill you, Joe. Is the Mrs. that bored that she needs to cut your hair now?? Man, she needs a job bad!! Glad you survived--maybe she pushed you--did you ever think of that??? I'll bet she did.

Winky Twinky said...

Hey DOM....I didn't write this, but I saw it today, and it just screamed *this is for Crotchety..* I looked all around and nobody was there, so I figured it was meant for you:

"My wife said, whatcha doin today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished!"

Keep smilin...

savvy said...

Oh man, ... let's put it this way, as I read this I began to laugh so violently that the wife asked me... twice!... if I was going to be ok...

you crack me up!!

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